transformyself

AH called to talk to the kids earlier, asked to speak to me when he was done. He was already sloshed.

I care so little about him now. It's as much a miracle as an alcoholics sobriety. Seriously. My obsession with him ran my life, for 14 years.

I think the more I consciously I make space from him and do not engage, the more freedom I will feel. Gee, ya think?

So, he texted me about 30 minutes ago, "hows it going?"

I know by now he's wasted. I don't want to hear what he has to say.

I read a post earlier from a woman who keeps answering the phone when her A calls and is all twisted up inside by it and am grateful for her posting, grateful for the reminder of what that is like, grateful that for me I've tried that long enough to try something new and scary and exciting and detach detach detach no matter what.

That space has given me clarity to see myself more clearly. I am not a pathetic, sniveling, scared, immobilized person. I am scared at times, yes, but mostly scared of living this way for another 14 years, another year another day or moment. I just don't want to. And I dont' have to and I can make a new life for myself. There's a better place.

And this distance helps me see him more clearly. He is not a victim, a savior, a man misunderstood, abused and taken advantage of. I believed his lies. Eagerly.

But now I just want him to leave me alone. I don't want to hear the lies, the drunkeness, the anger the terror. Yes, his life is in shambles, but it's not my fault. I put it right back on his plate. He knows he needs help. He knows where to go. There is a better place.

But right now I just want him to leave me and the kids alone. He has no friends. I can't help him, I do not want to help him, I only want to heal and help my kids heal. I don't think I'm experiencing guilt either. That's a bit weird but I"m grateful for it.

It's a miracle. The urge to engage has been lifted. Right now. And right now is all that matters. Thank you Grandmothers, Grandfathers and Creator!

wanting

Awesome!

tigger11

Wow Transform - GREAT post!

transformyself

You know, for years that guy (my AH) has hung out with other women while I felt dismissed and unloved just yards away. He's laughed it up with his pals drinking while I've stewed. I've simmered, and at times blown. Anger was a way of life for me.

Now I"m free. I have the choice to turn away from it all and get in control of myself. Make actual choices instead of reacting.

Now I need to help my kids get there. My two youngest have anger problems. With each other. They act out what they've seen me and AH do. I saw it today and went and just sat with them and encouraged them to get in control of their words and actions. Made them laugh.

Finally they have one somewhat sane, present parent. Thank you thank you thank you..

heavenlyone

Wow. I just read your post a few times over and I feel real hope and strength.

Wonderful

transformyself

Norma, I hope my post was a sustaining inspiration for you.

Here's an update: I got up this morning and wondered, briefly, what he was up to last night. He also called, late, and I answered quickly because the phone was by my head and it woke me, startling me.

He said he as "on the way home from getting a bite to eat," but was drunk. Did he have a date? don't care, not my problem. Had he met up with the bimbo he had the affair with? Again,

DON'T CARE, NOT MY PROBLEM.

He was suppose to be working on a budget to let me know if he had enough money to pay me the full amount this paycheck (last Friday). He's most likely drank it already.

Guess what. It's still not my problem.

There is nothing he can do to hurt me anymore. I will get more work. I'm leaving for a conference Nov 11 and every single person in the industry where I work will be there. Someone will give me more work.

He cannot disrupt my determination and serenity. He could show up bloodied and beaten on my doorstep and I'd call him a cab and put him in it. Seriously. My life has to be my own again. I have to be free of his madness and I'm doing it again today, I say.

tigger11

Transform - you are an inspiration! Thank you for your post. Congratulations on turning all of that crap over to HP, and strongly and with conviction moving forward and embracing your newfound healthy way of being. AND for being an inspiration to your babies! You rock!