I better spill my beans too
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 156
I better spill my beans too
Hi all,
I have been lurking around these forums for a while now. Part of the reason I got the encouragement to quit has been reading other peoples posts. Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings. The other part in quitting has been how it’s affecting my health.
I have been drinking for the past 4 years, with the last year being a daily drinker, and 50% of those days as a black out drinker. I have never been a social person, even before drinking, so I have always drank at home. My routine is simple…get off work, get takeout for dinner, pick up a bottle if I don’t have a near-full one at home, then proceed to get drunk before dinner. I always got drunk before I ate, I was more worried that the food would steal how fast I was able to get drunk….so ashamed. When I woke up three things always came to mind. How did I get from my couch watching TV to my bed, I don’t remember that? Did I call anyone last night, I better check my call history? Did I check the clock before I went to sleep last night, I wonder if I got a good night sleep? (Hours wise) There are so many more things I could talk about regarding drinking and the embarrassments it brings with it, but I am sure you all have heard it before.
I can honestly say I drank because I enjoyed the feeling. I live in a different state than all of my other family, and when family visits for a weekend, I can easily put down the bottle… but I don’t want to, but I do anyways to hide it. As soon as they are gone I start my routine again. And boy, what a routine it is.
So that’s my history, here’s whats going on now. I don’t go to AA meetings; these forums will be my only support, and frankly the only thing that has encouraged me to want to quit. I have been to Alanon meetings in the past due to my own family’s history; does this sort of thing run in the family? Yeeeshh… never thought I would be here after watching my family grow up drunk.
I am on day 7 now. I chose to detox at home, probably a bad idea, but thankfully nothing has happened. I hope after day 7 there is no immediate danger like seizures. I think I have had a few hallucinations, but they only last about 10-20 seconds before I realize it’s not real. It always happens when I am sleeping and wake up to look at a wall, not finding a wall but some other spectacle displaying itself. The strangest thing for me so far has been, even waking up today, convinced I was drunk the night before, feeling drunk waking up, then after sitting up realizing I had no hangover. I’m tired of feeling my liver hurt, but it’s a good reminder to not drink. I feel so exhausted.
I think the hardest part for me will be 2-3 three months into it, really feeling better mentally and physically, and convincing myself I don’t have a problem anymore.
Sorry for the long read, just needed to spill my beans somewhere, somehow… I will probably tell family or friends later, when I know I have stopped drinking and feel comfortable about bringing it up.
Kinds regards,
wallup
I have been lurking around these forums for a while now. Part of the reason I got the encouragement to quit has been reading other peoples posts. Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings. The other part in quitting has been how it’s affecting my health.
I have been drinking for the past 4 years, with the last year being a daily drinker, and 50% of those days as a black out drinker. I have never been a social person, even before drinking, so I have always drank at home. My routine is simple…get off work, get takeout for dinner, pick up a bottle if I don’t have a near-full one at home, then proceed to get drunk before dinner. I always got drunk before I ate, I was more worried that the food would steal how fast I was able to get drunk….so ashamed. When I woke up three things always came to mind. How did I get from my couch watching TV to my bed, I don’t remember that? Did I call anyone last night, I better check my call history? Did I check the clock before I went to sleep last night, I wonder if I got a good night sleep? (Hours wise) There are so many more things I could talk about regarding drinking and the embarrassments it brings with it, but I am sure you all have heard it before.
I can honestly say I drank because I enjoyed the feeling. I live in a different state than all of my other family, and when family visits for a weekend, I can easily put down the bottle… but I don’t want to, but I do anyways to hide it. As soon as they are gone I start my routine again. And boy, what a routine it is.
So that’s my history, here’s whats going on now. I don’t go to AA meetings; these forums will be my only support, and frankly the only thing that has encouraged me to want to quit. I have been to Alanon meetings in the past due to my own family’s history; does this sort of thing run in the family? Yeeeshh… never thought I would be here after watching my family grow up drunk.
I am on day 7 now. I chose to detox at home, probably a bad idea, but thankfully nothing has happened. I hope after day 7 there is no immediate danger like seizures. I think I have had a few hallucinations, but they only last about 10-20 seconds before I realize it’s not real. It always happens when I am sleeping and wake up to look at a wall, not finding a wall but some other spectacle displaying itself. The strangest thing for me so far has been, even waking up today, convinced I was drunk the night before, feeling drunk waking up, then after sitting up realizing I had no hangover. I’m tired of feeling my liver hurt, but it’s a good reminder to not drink. I feel so exhausted.
I think the hardest part for me will be 2-3 three months into it, really feeling better mentally and physically, and convincing myself I don’t have a problem anymore.
Sorry for the long read, just needed to spill my beans somewhere, somehow… I will probably tell family or friends later, when I know I have stopped drinking and feel comfortable about bringing it up.
Kinds regards,
wallup
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome to the family, wallup. Everything you said has happened to me, too. Continuing the way you were would have been disaster. You've heard it called a progressive disease. So far you've been able to stop when you were getting together with your family - eventually you wouldn't have. I never dreamed my few drinks on weekends would turn into 24/7 maintenance drinking so I wouldn't shake/throw-up/have a stroke or seizure. I drank mainly to calm my social anxiety, but it turned into a living hell of dependence. In the end I took it to work, could not be without it for even an hour.
There's some controversy regarding whether or not we inherit alcoholism. There's supposedly an alcoholism gene. I'm the only family member that I know of who has the problem, though. Regardless, you are doing the best possible thing by coming here. SR is all I use for support, too - but I may attend AA meetings in the future.
Congratulations on your choice to live a free life.
There's some controversy regarding whether or not we inherit alcoholism. There's supposedly an alcoholism gene. I'm the only family member that I know of who has the problem, though. Regardless, you are doing the best possible thing by coming here. SR is all I use for support, too - but I may attend AA meetings in the future.
Congratulations on your choice to live a free life.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
Welcome to SR! I'm glad you joined the family. Lots of support here from people who understand where you've been and where you want to go from here. Keep coming back, read and post your thoughts and questions. We're here to help you get and stay sober.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 6
yes, it is definitely a progressive disease... you think you're a normal drinker at first, then maybe a heavy drinker, then you're drinking 24/7 to keep a baseline. (in this manner, i never had to have a hangover).
although it might be contested, i think there is a hereditary aspect. i fought this belief, because i didn't want it to be true, but when both sides of my family tree are riddled with alcoholics - both living and dead from the disease - i have come to think it is the case. it can't just be circumstantial. but i'm not a scientist and this isn't the forum for that.
what i am thinking now, is even if this is true, i don't have to fulfill that "legacy". even though i am named for my grandmother, who died at 54 of alcoholic liver problems, i don't have to live her life.
i can find a new path that leads me to sobriety, and break this family cycle.
i'm going to AA meetings in addition to this forum, but the extra support is so welcome, because alone i'm hopeless.
let's all hang in there.
although it might be contested, i think there is a hereditary aspect. i fought this belief, because i didn't want it to be true, but when both sides of my family tree are riddled with alcoholics - both living and dead from the disease - i have come to think it is the case. it can't just be circumstantial. but i'm not a scientist and this isn't the forum for that.
what i am thinking now, is even if this is true, i don't have to fulfill that "legacy". even though i am named for my grandmother, who died at 54 of alcoholic liver problems, i don't have to live her life.
i can find a new path that leads me to sobriety, and break this family cycle.
i'm going to AA meetings in addition to this forum, but the extra support is so welcome, because alone i'm hopeless.
let's all hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Welcome wallup,
Great name, I know the feeling, so many walls.... we need a bulldozer to break through, lol.
Glad you came out of the woods and posted. The help is here, so I'm right there with you.
Great name, I know the feeling, so many walls.... we need a bulldozer to break through, lol.
Glad you came out of the woods and posted. The help is here, so I'm right there with you.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi and Welcome,
Omigosh, I remember checking the call history in the morning to see if I called anyone while I was drinking the night before, and if I did, a panic would set in. I sure don't miss that.
Congratulations on deciding to live a sober life and getting through your first week!
Omigosh, I remember checking the call history in the morning to see if I called anyone while I was drinking the night before, and if I did, a panic would set in. I sure don't miss that.
Congratulations on deciding to live a sober life and getting through your first week!
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