We're finally done pretending.

Old 10-31-2009, 09:33 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
likealion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
We're finally done pretending.

I'm new here, and I've never written any of this down, so thank you in advance for reading my heartbroken thoughts.

My dad is an alcoholic. Has been for my entire life. And I can't deal with it anymore.

I'm almost 28 and my sister is almost 23. I have good memories of my dad being home and playing with me and really being a father. My sister doesn't. By the time she was old enough to really be able to keep those memories, my dad was spending time away from home. He was on a bowling league, drinking away his Mondays and Thursdays, and then he'd go to 'friends' houses on the other nights.

Then the bowling stopped and he just began spending time with another alcoholic in the evenings. This has been going on for over 10 years now. I think my mom has been in denial -- she has allowed his behavior to progress and worsen, but the past two years things have really started to come to the surface.

I had a party at my home for New Years two years ago. My parents came because my mom didn't want my dad to be wasted at his friend's house and she wanted to spend time with my husband and me. We had other friends over and a guy I've known since childhood was dancing with my mom. My dad was drunk and got jealous and tried to pick a fight with him. It got so bad that I had to have my husband make my dad leave. The humiliation was awful. I know he was verbally abusive to my mother over the situation and it took me a while to forgive him. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

My sister and I both feel like my dad can't stand to spend time with us. When we go on outings as a family, my mom and dad always argue because my dad is constantly checking his watch and is just itching to get away to get to his drinking buddy. I know on some level that my dad loves me, but I feel like he doesn't like me very much. He certainly doesn't know me. And it feels like he doesn't WANT to get to know me.

In July 2008, my dad's drinking almost killed him. He used to be a functioning alcoholic, but the past few years he has been unable to control it. When he came home around 10 PM, he went upstairs to go to bed. My parents have a baby gate upstairs to keep their dogs from going in the bedrooms. My dad was so drunk that he couldn't walk over the baby gate. His foot got caught and he fell down the stairs. He lost a few teeth, broke his nose, and had bleeding in his brain. He was unconscious for ten minutes.

While he was in the hospital, it was discovered that my dad had an aortic aneurysm and required heart surgery to remove it. My mom likes to say that my dad falling was a blessing in disguise, and I guess partially she's right. I don't want my dad to die at all, not by his heart exploding in his chest or by drinking himself into oblivion.

My father's father was an alcoholic and at the end of his life, he had alienated everyone around him. My grandmother divorced him and my aunt and uncles and my dad ran errands for him because they pitied him. I don't understand how my dad is blind to the fact that he is following the same path.

After my dad's fall, I was so angry. I tried going to Al-anon meetings because I knew this was something that we could no longer ignore. I didn't really care for the Al-anon meetings (honestly, I only went to two, so I probably didn't give them enough of a chance). And I was the only one out of my mom and sister who thought the situation needed to be addressed. And I know it's easier for me to be ready to address it because I don't live with him. They do. So we didn't address it.

A few weeks ago, unrelated to his alcoholism (and he is not diabetic), my dad had to have his foot amputated. So now he is stuck at home and he's on about a billion different medications. My mom had a tough talk with him and told him that drinking is not going to be an option. First of all, because his leg is healing and his center of gravity is totally different. Secondly, he really shouldn't be drinking with all of the medications he is on anyway.

So my mom bought my dad some non-alcoholic beer which seemed to make my dad feel okay about the not-drinking. His drinking buddy, who is a woman, came to the hospital and made jokes about sneaking him in a beer. Once my dad got home, she came by again with a twelve pack of non-alcoholic beer but she had opened the pack and slipped in three real beers. My mom went off on my dad and poured the beers out.

Last night around 11:30, my sister called me in tears. My mom had found two tall-boy cans of beer in the trash and basically, my mom said everything she should have been saying for their entire 30 year marriage.

I don't know what to do now. I know that I don't want to watch my father die. I don't think I can stand to watch him shrivel up and turn into my grandfather, who was such a mean and condescending drunk that no one could bear to be around him.

How do I tell my dad the truth? Do I just say what I feel? Do I give ultimatums? Does it make me a terrible person to want to just say goodbye now instead of watching him die more slowly? How do I support my mom? What do I do with all of this anger and sadness that his drinking has caused me?

If you made it this far, I thank you. I'm not sure what's going to happen from here, but I am certainly open to ideas, guidance, advice, whatever.
likealion is offline  
Old 10-31-2009, 01:04 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
GingerM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
Welcome to the board, Lion. I am very sorry that you had to find us, but I am also glad you did.

Al-Anon wasn't for me either, so the fact that it didn't work for you doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're somehow incapable. We all walk our own paths through this morass of a situation.

First, I'd like to point you to the top of this forum, the section that has all the "stickied" posts and suggest you read the "Bill of Rights of Adult Alcoholics." I think you will find some strength there.

Secondly, I'd like to introduce you to what is referred to as the 3C's: You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

Taken one at a time:

1. You didn't cause it: I don't hear in your post any self-blaming going on. This is good. This means that you haven't fallen into the pit many of us did of believing that somehow our parent's drinking is our fault.

2. You can't control it: Your father *chooses* to drink. If he didn't want to drink, he wouldn't. I do not drink. No amount of begging, pleading or peer pressure will make me. I do not choose to drink. In reverse, no one is holding him down, prying his mouth open and forcing the alcohol down his throat. The only person whose behavior and decisions you can control is YOURS. You can't control his decisions - and it is highly unlikely that anything you do or don't say to him will make one iota of difference in his behavior - because this is what he *chooses* to do. Accepting this, I believe, is one of the hardest things to do. Accepting that someone we love chooses to take a self-destructive path, and to be able to stand back and say "They have the right to screw up their life in whatever manner they so choose, and I can not change them," is a very very difficult thing. Your mother tried to control the situation by not buying alcoholic beer, yet he found a way to get beer anyway. You can not control him.

3. You can not cure him: Only he can make the decision to stop drinking. You cannot make this decision for him. You can only change you, you cannot change him. No amount of cajoling or harping or whining or begging or pleading or confronting or issuing of ultimatums will make him change his behavior. He will change when, and only when, he WANTS to change - assuming he ever does.

I know that I don't want to watch my father die. I don't think I can stand to watch him shrivel up and turn into my grandfather, who was such a mean and condescending drunk that no one could bear to be around him.
Unfortunately, this is a possibility you must learn to come to peace with. It is entirely possible (and even probable) that he will follow the behaviors modeled to him by his own father, and that he may die in the same way. We all must die sometime, in some manner, and he may be choosing both his time and manner of death in his behavior. But again, you can't control that and you can't change it. You CAN change YOU. You can decide how you want to deal with him as things continue onwards. You can choose to be witness to the process, you can choose not to, you can even choose to bang your head against the wall that is the alcoholic trying to get him to change. But until such time as he wants to, it won't happen.

It may be helpful to frame your "want" in another light. What else do you not want to see happen in this world? Personally, I don't want to see children starving to death, to see families ripped apart in war, to see famine when there is no need of it. I do not want to see social injustice, I do not want to watch my own parents travel down the road of alcoholism that has only one end. But I can do nothing about any of these things. Children WILL starve as long as there are countries being run by warlords. War WILL rip families apart as long as humans still feel the need to fight one another. And my parents WILL continue drinking, even as it rips their world and their minds apart.

How do I tell my dad the truth? Do I just say what I feel? Do I give ultimatums? Does it make me a terrible person to want to just say goodbye now instead of watching him die more slowly? How do I support my mom? What do I do with all of this anger and sadness that his drinking has caused me?
1. Your dad will not hear the truth, no matter what words you use to say it. He does not want to hear it, and most likely, is incapable of hearing it. Your truth is not his truth. In his mind, there is nothing wrong with what he's doing. In his mind, he is doing what he wants to do and it doesn't affect anyone else. And it is highly unlikely that you will find any way at all to change what is going on in his mind - because it is too threatening to him, and our minds have very convoluted ways of supporting our beliefs, even in the face of large amounts of facts and logic that contradict those beliefs.

2. For YOUR peace of mind, you may want to tell him what you feel. You need to focus on you and your needs - his needs are being met right now by a liquid. You can not meet his needs, but you can provide for your own needs. Do you need to get this off your chest so that you can look back and say "I did try"? If so, then by all means, talk to him - but do it knowing that you are doing so only to meet your own needs, not in an effort to change him (remember the 3C's).

3. An ultimatum is also called a "boundary" and it is something many ACoA's struggle with. I will only say that if you do issue him an ultimatum, think very carefully about it - because once you have drawn your line in the sand, you must be willing to defend it over and over and over again. And if you draw the line, then ignore it, soon the ultimatum carries no weight (example: the most recent time my dad called me drunk and told me he was never going to speak to me again, I related it to my husband, who laughed and said "as if you could be so lucky!" Notice that I said "most recent time," for he has threatened this more times than I can count. I don't believe his line in the sand anymore because he will not defend his boundary). Make certain in your mind and in your heart that whatever ultimatum you're willing to make is one you can rest at ease with in your conscience.

Also note that not all ultimatums need to be vocalized. The first time my dad told me he'd never speak to me again, my response was "If that is what you want, I will honor your boundary." In MY mind I made an ultimatum as well - if he wanted to be a burro's butt, I would not grovel or beg for him to speak to me anymore, to expose myself to more treatment of the kind I had been getting. The words I spoke to him contained that ultimatum, but not in the way I was feeling it in my heart.

It does not make you a terrible person to want to remove yourself from a toxic situation. It makes you a healthy person. If this person was not related to you, would you give them a second thought? If he was a homeless person, drunk and belligerent, that you found on a street spouting off nonsense and yelling at you, would you decide that you wanted to associate with the person longer? I wouldn't. You are an adult, you are now in full control of your future. To decide that you want to remove the toxicity from your life is far from making you a bad person.

Supporting your mom is a hard thing for me to address. She obviously isn't enabling him or in denial. You can support her by talking to her. You can support her by telling her that your door is open to her. You can let her know you're there for her. But as with your dad, you can not change your mom either. You can't make her leave him, no more than you could make her stay if she didn't want to. You can do nothing for her other than offer her your support and an ear (as I am doing here with you). I can no more change your behavior than you can change your mom's, but I can say "I'm here for you to talk to, I'm dealing with the same horrible family mess, and I am willing to open my electronic door to you whenever you need someone (you can always send me a private message).

The anger will fade as you come to accept what you can and can not change. When you can peacefully accept that there is nothing more you can do about your dad's behavior than you could do about the movement of the tides or the orbit of the moon, you will find the anger fades away. Instead, the sadness will become greater. Acceptance can help with the sadness, but, speaking only for myself, it never really goes away.

My mother now has alcohol induced dementia. Her short term memory is shot, and her long term memory is going. She was once a highly intelligent woman, she was once beautiful, she was once (I've been told) happy. I see in her a loss of human potential, eaten up by alcohol. That makes me profoundly sad. It is not the sadness of a victim who has been wronged, but the same sadness that I feel when I hear of children starving or wars happening, when there is nothing I can do about it. It is a sort of grieving sadness of "what could have been." But right now, it is a "what could have been," not a "what is." "What is" is that I now have a mother who can't remember what's going on from one minute to the next. And a father who is angry, and drowns his anger in drink, and becomes more angry until he threatens - every so often - to stop speaking to me, as if this is somehow my fault (see again the 3C's).

I can't tell you what will happen from here either. I can tell you that if you place your father at the center of your intents, and not yourself, you will make yourself crazy. You can only change YOUR behavior.

I wish you well in your journey - it is neither simple nor short.
GingerM is offline  
Old 11-01-2009, 04:39 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 4
Thank you both (Likealion and GingerM) for sharing your stories; there is so much in both these posts that I recognise, it's scary.

I also look at my Mom now, and try to separate the person from the Alcohol - which some days is more difficult than others. Yesterday she was relatively dry, but completely lied to my face repeatedly as to whether she's drinking. She's never going to change - the only thing I can change is how I deal with it.
usedupdaughter is offline  
Old 11-01-2009, 08:53 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
Welcome Likealion, you have found a great forum.
Just FYI there are Al anon books that you can read to get more insight into this awful disease. I got the "How Al Anon Works" book from the library. It has been quite informative and helpful. Also you may want to try the meetings again... either the same one or another one that may be more your style... Don't give up too easily just yet. I go to one every week and it has been so supportive, showing me how others deal with their loved ones. It's hard at first listening to others tell their stories and just sitting there but if you listen you will hear something that may relate to your situation. Eventually you may want to share and those there will listen and may comment. There is usually no cross talking (you can talk to people after the meeting though) so someone may hear what you say and let you know how they handled something similar. It took me two-three times before I felt comfortable to talk. I was so nervous but there is no pressure to speak and after a while it became easier. The people there are not judgmental or condescending. They are caring and loving. They will not give you answers on how to change the alcoholic but instead they show you how to work on your behaviors and responses so you can cope better. Like Ginger says we need to work on our healing, our needs, our boundaries and behaviors.... Al Anon and/or the literature are very useful for that and the tools to help you get through. Hang in there and keep coming back to this forum too... It is soooo helpful!! We all need support. We are here for you. Ditto all what Ginger said and that someone's here for you to talk to. BTW the 3c's are from Al anon I think? Great reminders. They have many more.
God's peace to you,
Goldberry is offline  
Old 10-30-2011, 09:14 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
likealion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
I think it's ironic, I've found my way back here almost exactly two years later.

Things with my dad are bad. In January, he had to have his other foot amputated, leaving him a double amputee. Then in March, he had several strokes because his heart valve that he had replaced in 2008 was infected, and pieces of the infection broke off and went to his brain, and spent the entire summer in rehab (not for his alcoholism). We thought he was going to die during the surgery, and I hate that part of me even wished for it.

My mother has told my dad that he has to find a different place to live by mid-November. There's a lot of sneaking around, and women that he knows via Facebook have been sneaking him beer. We caught him trying to sneak beer at my sister's wedding a few weeks ago, but we had already told the bartender not to serve him. He is hell-bent on continuing drinking. I had really hoped that he would focus on his health, since he's been through so much, but now that he's had the stroke, he has even less mental clarity than he did before.

If they are splitting up, which I am in favor of, because my mom deserves so much better, then I really have no reason to have any contact with my dad. My contact with him since my last post has really just been at holidays, and whenever I visit my mom, since he lives there.

My line in the sand is that if he's drinking, I don't want anything to do with him. He never calls me as it is, and I don't want to see him die this way. I feel bad, because I've been reading posts on this board that talk about never giving up on the person, but that's exactly what I want to do. He has demonstrated time and again that he has no interest in being involved in my life, so why should I watch him kill himself?

My mom has told me that she doesn't want me to take sides, but I told her that I'm not taking HER side, I'm taking MY side.

If you made it this far, thank you.
likealion is offline  
Old 10-31-2011, 06:08 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 588
Likealion: You sound healthy! I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am encouraged by your response to it.

GingerM: What a beautiful post re the 3Cs. I would love to see it as a sticky!
wellnowwhat is offline  
Old 10-31-2011, 06:28 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
tromboneliness's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Back East
Posts: 704
Originally Posted by likealion View Post
My mother has told my dad that he has to find a different place to live by mid-November. There's a lot of sneaking around, and women that he knows via Facebook have been sneaking him beer. We caught him trying to sneak beer at my sister's wedding a few weeks ago, but we had already told the bartender not to serve him. He is hell-bent on continuing drinking.
You and your mom are taking the right approach. If your dad wants to drink, there's no point in trying to stop him, because he's always going to be cleverer than you. What's more, if he wants to drink, that's his right. If he wants to get sober and healthy at some point, that's his decision. My Dad never did, although the ironic thing is that his death may have been precipitated partly by the effects of alcohol withdrawal when he tried to give it up (finally, at the age of 90). Whatever. It was his right to drink, and he did.

I'd say try a different Al-Anon meeting -- there are a lot of them, and the perspectives vary a lot from one group to another. Some people have trouble with all the God-this and God-that, but as an atheist (basically), I just take what I need and leave the rest, as they suggest! Good luck....

T
tromboneliness is offline  
Old 10-31-2011, 10:40 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
likealion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by wellnowwhat View Post
Likealion: You sound healthy! I am sorry for what you are going through, but I am encouraged by your response to it.

GingerM: What a beautiful post re the 3Cs. I would love to see it as a sticky!
Agreed. GingerM, you have no idea how much your reply comforted me and how often I have reread it. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It has been a tremendous burden lifted to know that I'm not alone and that I don't have to put up with it.
likealion is offline  
Old 11-01-2011, 04:46 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
GingerM's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Under the Rainbow
Posts: 1,086
You're quite welcome. I'm glad there was something useful in what I posted.

Two years after your original post, my father is in jail facing many many felony counts, and there is a high probability of him spending the rest of his life in prison. I did not cause that, I certainly couldn't control it, and I can't 'cure' this mess. My mom still has dementia but interstingly, has decided to not drink much anymore. We'll see how long that lasts. She seems to have traded religion for alcohol, something I've known many alocholics/addicts to do. But she made that decision, not me.

While your father suffers the medical consequences, mine suffers the legal consequences. They are not so very much different really - both are expensive, both are/were preventable, both of our fathers chose not to prevent it.

And you and I are left to try to put our lives together in as healthy a manner as we can. It is good to have people remind us that we're not alone in our troubles. Trauma is experienced much more severely if the victim (us) feels alone. I am glad I don't have to be alone in dealing with the fallout from my parents drinking. And a little part of me has been very very relieved to know that if I get a call from my parents home phone number, I no longer have to hide from it - it won't be my dad calling me drunk anymore. Until he's adjudicated, my dad isn't allowed to talk to me at all, or communicate with me in any way. And? In an odd way, I miss him - but I don't want to go back to how things had been before he was arrested when his drinking was really out of control.

We live strange lives, us ACoAs. Where half the world seems so self-centered that they need a good whacking with a clue bat, us ACoAs struggle to focus on our own needs. Maybe we can stand down field from the clue bat and try to catch some of the self-centered being knocked out of the people who have far too much of a sense of entitlement and self-importance.... Oh, if only it was that simple!
GingerM is offline  
Old 11-09-2011, 07:52 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
likealion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 26
I'm feeling 8 years old today. My mother has arranged for my dad to spend Thanksgiving with his sister. My dad asked mom if she'd told me and my sister that they're splitting up and my mom said "Of course." He hasn't called or contacted me about it.

From what my mom has said, he's been trying to sweet-talk her, but she doesn't seem to be falling for it. She says she wants to do this as amicably as possible and since my dad is a double amputee AND a stroke victim, she says she still feels responsible for helping him finish physical therapy. She's the one with the health insurance. As far as we know, he is only drinking a few days a week because my mom allows him to spend time at a friend's house on Fridays and Saturdays. I know once he moves out, it's going to worsen.

I mostly am just feeling sad today that my dad has never been able to talk to me, really talk to me. I know that he was beaten severely by his own alcoholic father, and maybe he feels like he broke the cycle because he never hit me. I'm thankful mostly that his abuse was his absense. Trying so hard to realize he is the way he is in large part to abuse he suffered. Trying not to take any of this personally. This has never been about me. It's just hard some days to keep that in mind.
likealion is offline  
Old 11-09-2011, 08:08 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
chicory's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
your post has really touched me. Both my parents were A's. they both died young, tho had quit drinking for the last few years of their lives.
I know you are feeling so sad. Knowing there is nothing you can do, and that your dad is choosing to do nothing, as of yet.
it is almost like you have all been victims of a shipwreck, and all except your dad have decided to climb aboard the liferaft. He chooses to do nothing,just wait to sink, thinking someone surely is going to be there to keep the worst from happening to him. You cant go after him without risking your life, and if you did, he would just fight to get free of your helpful arms.

maybe when everyone stops reaching out(which you all have rightly done), he might see that death is waiting to take him. I hope that he gets a wake up from this.

you are doing all you can- taking care of yourself, and choosing to live a sane life. you are in my thoughts today.

hugs
chicory
chicory is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 12:03 AM.