girlbythelake

hi all, i'm new to these forums, but i'm looking for any resources i can find, in addition to the AA meetings i've been going to daily.

i've been crying all the time, even just reading the 12 steps will set me off. i feel like i'm mourning a loss, that i can never drink again, the relief that (i thought) would come from getting drunk.

also, i sit through the AA meetings all weepy, and everyone else seems to be able to hold themselves together and speak clearly, so i feel even more embarrassed. has anyone else experienced this crying problem? i know i want to stop drinking, but i'm so sad.

thanks.

mariechi

Don't be embarrassed at all! There is a grief process here. Kahil Gibran noted in "The Prophet" that we cannot leave something that has caused us pain and sorrow without grief, odd as that might seem. It was a part of your life, if not a good part. I think it's wonderful that you're going through it. I think it means you're very committed to your decision on a very deep level. Really, when you think about it more, you aren't giving up anything that adds joy and value to your life, and the benefits.....

Welcome to a great place and a great new life!

least

Committing to a sober life is a big change and would leave anyone wondering which end is up. Your body and brain are going thru some big changes in adapting to functioning without alcohol. It takes a while for the body and brain to adjust. Your emotions may be on a roller coaster for a while, but it will calm down after a while and go back to normal.

Do'nt worry about the crying and feeling sad. Just keep going to meetings and maybe try to make some friends there. And remember, don't drink today.

Welcome to SR!

Hevyn

I was just like you - I'd choke up so badly in AA meetings I couldn't even talk about myself at all. I was very emotional about what I saw as a loss in my life. Of course, that wasn't true - but it's how I felt at the time.

As mariechi pointed out, there is a grieving process here. Alcohol was bad for us, and in my case, almost killed me - yet I had fallen back on it for comfort for many years. It was how I coped with things. Also, in the beginning I would only think of the fun I had when drinking - never the horrible chaos my life had become because of it. The early days of our drinking careers can never be recreated. Once we let that idea go, we feel free and can move along on our journey to a better life.

dojoro

I am on Day 4. Everything makes me want to cry. I do cry throughout the day. It is like I lost a best friend. Someone/Something I could count on to cheer me up. I don't have that anymore. I feel like I have lost part of me. I was different when drinking. Better, funner, happier. I am not sure I will ever be any of those things again. Of course this isn't the truth but I still feel that way and hope it passes. Everyday I wonder will I still be fun to be around and make people laugh, will I want to dance at weddings, strike up conversations with random people, smile so big it will make people wonder, sing karaoke, I was that bubbly, energetic just out for a fun time girl. I cry because I don't know who I am now and how I will have fun again. I know it sounds crazy but each day a recovery makes me feel worse. Like a constant hangover. sad, tired, achy, HEADACHE, irritable, anxious. I have yet to feel physically better but each morning I get to tell myself I did it again and will try my hardest to continue. Thay say it gets better. I trust them. I will cry while I wait for that good day and continue to fight the demons in my head. Have a good day and keep the tissues close. "It's all right to cry. Crying gets the sad out of you.
It's all right to cry. It might make you feel better!"

Jo

partydiva

Dojoro...I cried last night watching a movie. I do feel my emotions are also a little out of wack. I am taking valarian root to help with the mood swings. It helps keep my anxiety in check.

I don't miss the constant hangover or sad, tired, achy, HEADACHE, irritable, anxious -but at the same time I do...that is SO wrong! laughable to me that I consider this ok for my body.

Welcome to next day of being sober...keep on moving.

girlbythelake

wow.. thanks for all of your replies.
i know i'm still very early in the sobriety process, and it helps to hear that the emotional rollercoaster is not just me.

i was able to anesthetize my feelings with alchohol for a long time, and i don't know if want to feel or deal with them now. that's a hard part for me.

and hevyn, thanks for mentioning "not being able to relive the early drinking days" -- the past 5 years i've been trying to rediscover the fun i had in my early twenties (i'm nearly 30 now). but i have to laugh (really laugh out loud! how funny) that i'm so delusional that i would think it is possible to meet people, have exciting, unpredictable evenings WHEN I'M DRINKING ALONE in my house. oh, that's insane. and it got that way because i was embarrassed to drink with friends or coworkers because i knew i would outdrink them all. drinking at home means no one can judge me...

i look at the sober alcoholics sharing at AA meetings, and i think "i DO want what they have". that calmness and acceptance of the condition, and they are comfortable and laughing. i know i need to be at those meetings, because i won't stop drinking on my own. drinking is what i do on my own.

sorry for rambling. and thanks for your words.

firestorm090

Hi girlbythelake,

I think the mourning process is two-fold for us, we mourn the loss of earlier years when we had some fun, and then it eventually becomes mourning the loss of those good years that we drank away, opportunities lost, marriages lost, finances in total disarray, we mourn the loss of good, and the loss of what might have been. The grief process is not easy, and even though we may recognize it, we still need to learn how to deal with it. I'm interested in any further replies you receive because I'm where you are too.

skid650

day 7 and i'm in such a lousy, grouchy, angry mood. . . .

tired, annoyed,

i don't have any "space" inside me to deal with my family.

*sigh*

one day . . . one day . . . one day . . . one looooooooooong day . . . . . . . . .

everybody hang in and stay sober . . . cuz if you fail, i'm gonna REALLY be pissed off.

Wolfchild

txsar

Hi girlbythelake,
I went to my first AA meeting this morning. I immediately cried when I walked up to the door and cried almost through the whole meeting. For me it's partly grieving the loss of my "friend" but also in today's case admitting publicly that I had a problem. It was very emotional. I'm only on Day 5 and know this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's very difficult. I don't want to be this person who has a problem. But it is what it is.

girlbythelake

hi txsar,

yes, i think admitting it to others -- even though they are strangers -- is partly why i'm crying at meetings. and listening to everyone sharing and recognizing myself in their stories. this tells me i DO have a problem and that i am an alcoholic, then i cry some more.

i have felt so many different feelings just in the past 6 hours. right now i'm angry. i'm angry that i have to have this problem, this disease, that i can't go out tonight on halloween and drink normally. i'm being such a child, ie "it's not fair! whaa whaa"..

the more i think about it, i really must go through all the grief stages to deal with losing my closest friend, who knew me better than anyone. and it IS sad.

i'm making it one minute at a time, until the 5:30 meeting, where i will probably cry, even though i think i have concocted "the perfect clear-minded thing to say" when the sharing gets to me...

i just found the SR forums this morning, and already i think it's helping me stay focused --- or just distracted from drinking thoughts.

i hope it's doing the same for you.

Hevyn

Girl, you are getting wise early, compared to most of us. I went on for over 20 yrs. trying to relive the euphoria I once felt. What you'll be missing by quitting now: Broken relationships, DUI's, financial ruin, health issues - the list goes on. I'm so happy for you that you've come to this conclusion at a young age.

cambridge

That really struck a chord with me. I think I was trying to find that again too, that early 20s fun, but alone more and more. I'm really sad to have this, and cried a lot at the first few meetings (I think they are used to it). But hopefully realizing it this early will prevent the twenties disappearing into the fifties with no memories in between.

girlbythelake

hevyn, your post is poignant to me, because i really think i was on the "fast-track" to alcoholic hell. the things you mentioned have already happened, and i haven't needed much time to accomplish these monstrous goals.

i've already lost a fiance, my drivers license (DUI where i blew a .24), any hope at good credit, friends, and an entire town. i had to move to get away from facing daily shame and 'triggers' at every intersection.

but i was foolish to put stock in the 'geographic cure'. it took me 2 years to get to a meeting in the new place (it was just 4 days ago...), during which time i handily located the watering holes and 24 hour stores.

i realise i'm lucky that i'm still young, but it doesn't make it easier.
i don't think i'll be able to hang out with my peers for a long while, since they only like to go out to bars. i'm stuck with AA people and my own company.

how does anyone else deal with not having any sober friends? (not that your friends are drunks, but just that they drink).

CarolD

My AA home group keeps a box of tissues on every table.
No, you are not alone with the weepy condition.

Please relax.....you are in the initial de tox period.
Drink lots of water and or gatorade to flush your
system quicker.
Small meals are better for you than large heavy ones.

Welcome to our recovery community
I too use SR as a supplement to my AA committment.

Dee74

Welcome girlbythelake
You're not alone by any means

D

Mark75

Absolutely, I mourned the loss of alcohol. Micro-brews, french vodka, merlot.... And the sense of fun and sophistication the advertisers imply.

There was no way around it, I had to let it go...

The solution was time... yea... doesn't happen overnight... and a good step one...

I've been there.

Mark

Oatmeal

Just hang tight guys. This too shall pass. Better days really are just days away.

Anna

I think that the discovery and acceptance that we are addicts is a very emotional thing. Not one of us set out to become an addict, but nevertheless, here we are. I've posted about this book many times, but it had such a profound effect on me. It's called "Drinking: A Love Story" by Caroline Knapp. It's a memoir of a young, high-functioning alcoholic and her love affair with alcohol. Reading her book was the first time I allowed myself to believe that, yes, maybe I could do this.