I've been a bad bad codie

Old 10-30-2009, 11:53 AM
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I've been a bad bad codie

I try not to be a codie, but I SO am. When it comes to STXH and his life, I can honestly say that I'm able to detach rather well. Maybe not fully, but overall, I do fine. When he brings up our 1 year old daughter however, I'm a full on codie. Pathetic, I know.

I'm moving out tomorrow morning. He won't be home tonight and I didn't go home last night, just to be safe. Of course, he sees the date of my moving out as some kind of D day where he HAS to have some kind of signed custody agreement in place. I really don't see why but anyhow...

So he wrote me again this morning and sent me into a panic. He wanted me to agree to a temporary sort of arrangement whereby he gets to pick up our daughter from daycare once a week, and then I have to figure out how to get her back to my place. He also wanted week-ends. There were other stipulations putting the onus of moving back to his neighborhood back on me. I could see that he was trying to give me some leaway, but I'm still SO concerned about leaving my child alone with someone who drinks daily and is in the habit of yelling at his older child.

This is where I'm ashamed of myself. I totally broke down. I'm SO close to moving out and so stressed out that anything upsets me. I called my parents in a panic, sent them the email and asked them what I should respond. I felt that I needed to respond IMMEDIATELY, as a good codie should, because he told me he wanted this resolved before 4 p.m.

I managed to calm down after a good cry, and hammered out a response with my parents' help. I just felt like I wanted it said and done, so I could get on with my day.

I basically told him we really needed to discuss all this in front of an impartial mediator, because there were obviously things we didn't agree on. I pointed out several things I'm concerned about as proof that we are in disagreement (his lack of care for our daughter, his late night meetings, bi-weekly evening classes, his leaving his son alone at home at night, etc). I also reminded him that my leaving the family home was at HIS request and for HIS comfort, so HE would have to deal with the repercussions whatever they may be. Finally, I gave him the name of the mediator, and told him that if he felt insecure we could immediately plan for our first visit next week-end (supervised by me of course).

Behind his back I've scheduled a meeting on Monday morning with a lawyer who specializes in domestic abuse cases and divorce.

I'm trying very hard to keep my cool but I know I should just have ignored that email and let it slide off my back. Instead I went into MAJOR OVEREACTION LAND and lost it.

I'm such a bad codie...someone want to punish me?
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:01 PM
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Maybe your reaction feels bad on the emotions side, but I think your response sounds fine. Deep breaths! It sounds like he has figured out exactly where your button is - talk of your daughter - and he's pushing it all he can. I wonder if you can try to make it a habit to say to yourself, "Step away!" when you hear him bring up your daughter in any way. You are not legally obligated to discuss this with him right now, or to sign anything right now. I'm a lawyer, and I'd say not to sign anything until have spoken with your attorney and seen what options you actually have!
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Old 10-30-2009, 12:30 PM
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hi imtheidiot-

actually, i think you reacted well. you reacted, you sought assistance, you verbalized your concerns and you communicted it to him. then, you made an appt. to resolve it in a manner you feel comfortable with.

great for you for not permitting him to rush you into a decision you are not ready to make.
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Old 10-30-2009, 05:12 PM
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You did just fine, after all you have to cope with moving, and remaking a home for you and your daughter, and that is a stressful business on it's own.

He now knows that further comments will only be in front of a third party, so he will not be free to threaten or menace you as he has.

That has taken away some of his power plays and removed the "fun" from pushing your buttons and driving you bats. Shucks, how sad!!!

As I posted on one of your other threads,

Honey, work on disconnecting those buttons ASAP, so he can push them all he likes and only end up with a sore finger. Trust me, somewhere he will make a real boo boo or hit the booze big time, and blow all his imaginary plots out of the water, but til then STALL.

All the best for a smooth and safe move away from him.

God bless
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