devastated

Hi Guys:

Have a question for you and need some imput. After all we've been through, this is just a joke, I'm sure; however, I've been pondering the answer since Monday.

As you know, Mr. Dev and I dropped off all the baby items for the new baby on Sunday, traveling 3 hours to do so and the GD wasn't there and didn't tell us she wouldn't be, but grandfather was.

She has been out of the program since Monday and haven't heard one word from her since! I'm really annoyed that she hasn't called me to say she received everything, especially since my sister put together a beautiful layette for her.

I feel taken advantage of and I don't like that feeling!! However, it sure makes making decisions easier.

I haven't called her because I think she should have called me. Mr. Dev agrees with that, so maybe it is the right thing here.

I am now taking a poll. How many say I should call, and how many say she should call?

Hugs, Devastated

Thanks, Devastated

LostInTheWorld

She should be calling... I don't chase after no one no more - if they wanted me.. they'd call or chase after *me*. Just my input

outtolunch

I would not call and I would not expect her to do so, given prior experience.

It is what it is and a darn shame.

cmc

Hi Dev.....it's those expectations.....oh boy that's still a hard one for me sometimes. I don't 'do' this much with those I know who are in recovery but it sneaks up in other areas of my life. I want to be treated with respect by those I love- and I don't see anything wrong with that.
What I try to do when in your situation...waiting for a thankyou note or some other acknowledgement of a gift is this: I try to let it go and if I can't and calling makes me feel better I'll go ahead and make the initial contact. If I do that I just grit my teeth and try to be graceful. (!) But even then, I still have forgive and let it go, so that I won't let it fester & drag me down.
The gift _is_ for the baby...and maybe if you rationalize that babies can't say 'thanks' it might help?
I would also imagine how cute she will look wearing your gifts...that outta bring on a smile.

bottom line for your poll:
she should but you can't control that...
she might still thank you.... later.
You can call...if you want or not if that is what you think is best for _you_ to do.

teke

hi dev, honesty i think maybe it would have been responsible for her to call, maybe she will soon. if not, try to think about it as just being a gift that you were gonna give anyway whether she called or not.

i'm sure you gave from your heart and not really expecting anything in return, right? i think that if you want to call just out of your concern for her and the baby, then the choice is yours. remember high expections sometimes causes painful disappointments, she may/ may not react the way you think you should but like someone said earlier, the gifts was for the baby. all of you are in my prayers.

truthhurts

Ideally, gifts should be given with no expectations of the recipient, even though common courtesy requires a prompt thank-you.

When I give a gift and get no thank-you or expression of gratitude in return---I make a mental note of it, and that is the last time that person ever gets a gift from me. But I don't sweat it, either. I just choose not to extend myself to that person in the future.

BBD

Hi Dev, I think the thing that bothers you the most is that you raised your daughter to say "Thank You" for gifts she received. It's a damn shame what drugs have done to our kids. I have a major story to share but will wait a bit longer. I'd kinda try to forget about your daughter calling and get on with life. She'll get ahold of you when she wants to....and that irritates me too.. Enjoy the week-end. Smiles, Bonnie

ElegantlyWasted

Just feel good about yourself for helping. Don't let others actions/ inactions affect you negatively.

Ann

Of course she should have called, Grrrr. I too have lowered my expectations because too many times a simple thank you would have made my day and it just never came.

The important thing is that the baby gets those things. I think I would maybe call to make sure that's the case. Or maybe not, because I would get even more angry if I called and still didn't get a thank you or any kind of decent response.

Poll? Mark me as "undecided" because I really have no clue but wanted to stop by and send a big hug anyway

A Pox on ingrates!! *steps off soapbox*

Hugs

devastated

OK, thanks guys. Guess the concensus of opinion is:

DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING AND YOU'LL NEVER BE DISAPPOINTED!

Guess you're all right. That is, yes she should have called and let me know she is now out of the program, and that she did get the things and to thank, not me, but my sister for the layette! On the other hand, maybe she expected more! Oh well.

As far as I'm concerned, by not saying she got the baby things and was happy about it, just reinforces my thinking that she either doesn't have good manners, or she is still displaying "addict behavior!"

I'm saying? I hate it when the only time they contact you is when they want to use you for something!

Don't forget guys, she's the one I had the deal with about paying her storage unit while she was in the program. It was suppose to be 3 months and ended up now to be over 1 year. I'm going to give her another 2 months and then I'm going to say, it is now her responsibility to take over the payment.

You're right we did do it for the new baby; however, it was doubly rude of her not to let us know that she did not get that pass over the weekend, and we did not have to rush to get there before 12:45!! Had she just called and told me that I could have had a leisurely visit with my sister, then delivered the goods on my way home!

I know one thing I am getting her for Xmas though. It's going to be a box of thank you cards! LOL


Ok, I'm done being a crybaby!
Hugs, Devastated

BohemiMamaof3

In my experience this is how I've reacted: I think that because the A-Loved One are/were in a program for x amount of time, then that should "help them, teach them, whatever" to "do the right thing" regarding the way they treat others. And that would include acknowledging and thanking someone for a gift. The thing is, that is my expectations again. That's me thinking they should act right (IMO), or in a certain way.

I'm just echoing what others have said. I think when it comes to giving gifts in these types of situations, what helps me is this: I try to be prepared to not mind if the gift is not thanked or acknowledged. If I can't be OK with that then I just don't give it. That has really helped me.

Giving gifts can be such a pleasure, so if I find myself not getting much pleasure out of it, that kind of defeats the purpose. Then it reminds me I need to check myself and see why it's bothering me.

BohemiMamaof3

And you're really generous to do all that, but realize by this behavivor that she displayed over the baby layette, she's not likely to be any more grateful that you're covering her storage unit payment for so long. So just brace and prepare yourself and really consider how covering this expense is going to effect you in your recovery.

I was in similar situations with my ABrother, and just from being a generally codie person with other family & friends until I got to a point in my own recovery where I realized that there are certain people, addicts or otherwise that are time-suckers. They will take your time away from the important or fun things you could or should be doing, and keep you waiting around for them. And then they are no-shows or are rude and ungrateful - and it makes you upset! So my solution was/is to try and sort out who is like this, and then only agree to give them my time, gifts, etc., unless I was prepared for the let-down, ungratefulness, un-dependability, etc. Here is an old post that outlines one such situation. I can't tell you all the times I sat by the phone, waited around in jail visiting rooms, or other such places, missing kid's games and other things over codie relationship stuff like this.

I hope you don't get upset at me posting that, but I just thought when I read about you cutting short your visit with your sister, how many times I was in those types of situations! I would be aggravated, hurt, resentful until I learned to pick and choose and prioritize some things.

You sure aren't alone! (hug)

BBD

"Thank-you" cards...now, thats a good one. You never seize to amaze me Dev. I always end your posts with a chuckle...and it sometimes makes my day. Have a great Hallowwen and enjoy the trick or treaters. We hardly get any since we've moved out to the country. Its peaceful but I miss the hub-bub once in a while.....Smiles, Bonnie