transformyself

AH is a ranting mess lately. The further I get from him the less inclined I am to interact at all. These are his problems not mine. But that makes him angrier.

If I suggest a solution to him, he blows up and says I'm trying to control him. "I'll take care of this myself! " he announces.

Mostly now I am silent when he vents about his multiple issues (and he's got plenty) and then guess what? he accuses me of not caring.

Mind you, these exchanges usually occur when we're handing off the kids, or discussing essential items. He always finds a way to end the conversation about him and his problems.

I needed to purchase the plane ticket for my trip to a conference by wednesday in order to get the 14 day advance ticket price. AH wrote a check for the plane ticket on Wednesday, which immediatly bounced and cost him $50. So he has called me several times irate about it, saying, "anything you can do to help me out?" I asked him what he wanted to do, he said pay the $50.

He's so freaking hostile. He called me this morning to check on our sick son, and also announced he went to bed at 1 and got up at 4 to go to work and doesn't feel stable. That he sent me two emails I should ignore. I think he's out of money and out of booze and really jacked up. Only hostile.

He's got all the money, doles it out to me, so I dont' know what he wants from me. His account is always jacked up, always, and he keeps saying, "I had my account under control, it's ironic that your check bounced."

To be honest, I don't give a crap about how upset he is. I really don't. I'm not angered by it, or sad or worried about him. I'm beginning to feel like nothing he can say or do will truly upset me, all though I have recently had my turn at wanting to kill him when he threatened to take the kids and not give me any more money.

I"m pretty sure this is due to NC and NOT SLEEPING with the guy. Geez Transform, how long did it take you to figure that out?

Um. 14 years?

Anyway, my stupid question is: how many of you have experienced this lack of empathy for your A? I mean, it's not anger or sadness or anything remotely related to wanting to engage with him. I see him as an adult now, as completley outside of me. There is nothing I can-- or WANT--to do to "help" him.

What is this? It's new and odd and different from anything I"ve expereinced with him. I mean, I'm not even attracted to him, anymore, really which is a first in the 14 years I"ve known him.

Thanks, sorry to go on and on..

LorraeOz

I know that lack of empathy feeling. I felt it for about the last 6 months of our marriage. He would put on his poor-me act and I really couldn't care less. It was this indifference that told me I was through.

It all happened about the same time I realised that he had become a different person. He was no longer the man I married, alcohol had won. It was then I realised I didn't want to cling on to a man who was a stranger to me.

It makes it easier to deal with him though. I don't feel dragged into his dramas.

Sorry, I have no enlightening explanations! But I get what you're feeling.

Lorrae

Cowgirl1265

Oh, transform, I TOTALLY GET THAT. I have the same feeling of apathy toward my husband. And the more I detach, the more upset he gets.

As crappy as they have been to us, we have been their enablers. Our detachment upsets the apple cart of their lives, the false stability they relied on in their lives. The more you detach, the more he will rage, and the more he rages, as you recover, the less it will affect you.

Personally I think its a gift from my HP to not be so emotionally affected by his anger and emotion. I can see him throwing the hooks at me and I just stand there and let them bounce off. No need to feel guilty about that.

transformyself

Oh yeah, this is a TOTAL gift. What I've prayed and begged for for along time.

wanting

Awesome, transform! I'm almost there, I'm almost there.

Thumper

My AH does this sometimes too. I get the apathy.

I feel great sadness regarding my husband. It is sad, what he is going through. It is a lot. There is depression and pain etched in every inch of him. The apathy came when I accepted him for what he was (an alcoholic), stopped trying to fix and control him, and made a plan to extract myself from the entire dysfunctional mess. I had to accept that I had permission to do so and that I was not completely defective.

I also suspect that, for me, there is some depression because honestly - I'm not feeling much of anything. Sometimes I worry that the apathy is there only because I feel so defeated and tired.

I sometimes feel frustration and anger but that is usually only when I dwell on what is going on with regards to the kids or when I let go of my 'one day at a time' chant. We are still living together - and it is killing us all. I think it is probably harder on him them me at this point but he won't leave. I can't leave or the house will go into foreclosure. Pray for me that this house sells fast! He is suppose to be getting an apartment.

catlovermi

Sounds like Part B of detachment.

Part A is intellectual detachment.

Part B is emotional detachment.

B usually comes later than A and seems to be a lot harder to achieve.

Just my 2 cents.

CLMI

transformyself

This makes perfect sense.

For a while now, I've been doing my research, listening to wise folks, taking it all in and then acting out compulsivley. The intellectual detachment comes after getting my guts blown out by compulsive behavior. My compulsive behavior. Sleeping with him, engaging with him. Caring about him, trying to understand and "work with" him. L

So I start the No Contact, begrudgingly, but out of sheer desperation. Desperate to find peace, even in the unfamiliar waters of no contact. I guess I become willing to do whatever it takes to feel better, even when I don't want to do it.

And the NO CONTACT is what facilitates the emotional detachment, coupled with the intellectual detachment.

Ah, I love it when I understand my life. Thanks everybody. I've been in a fog for so long..

laurie6781

What it is, is simple .................................................. ...

its ENOUGH.

You have reached your point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, and now your growth will really come.

For each of us it is different in how long it takes, but once we get there, that's it. We continue to move forward and away and we do find peace and serenity.

It is a GIFT!!!!

You go girl!

Love and hugs,

ps; there are no stupid questions, only unasked ones. <vbg>

Still Waters

I agree that what you are calling apathy is detachment. You have detached from the crazy making, the chaos. Things become much clearer when you step back and detach.

Not to say that I don't have moments of still

catlovermi

I've found this to be true for myself. That physical separation and lack of contact allows for a different environment where we can settle down and get quiet and think, without either the chaos, drama, or the hooks of the addict constantly pulling on us, emotionally.

And secondly, making that decision to draw that line in the sand WITH OURSELF that we are going to go no contact then allows us to quiet the constant debate about WHETHER, or HOW, or WHAT contact we will engage in. It simply takes it off the table, so we can stop re-negotiating WITH OURSELF about the whole deal. Half of the chaos and drama is within us, in this scenario.

CLMI