Don't know how to get out!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 2
Don't know how to get out!
I am married now for approximately 1.5years. We lived together for a year sorta. We both travelled alot for work. He has custody of his now 6yo daughter that has no contact with her biological mom with addiction issues. In the last 3 months his drinking is out of control. He laughs and tells his friends he's an alcoholic but he works so he doesn't have a problem. I have seen him passed out on the floor for 2-3 hours and then he is called into work. He goes and works all night. Yes, he has a technical dangerous job. Everyone he works with in his profession drinks. My problem is I have had enough. I love him when he isn't drinking. Sometimes he goes for a week or longer and never has a drink. But, when he opens the first beer I am angry and it's getting worse. I counted so far this year he's spent over 3000.00 on booze this year and that doesn't count the cigerettes that go with it. Anyway, I am ranting. Sorry. His daughter is a great kid. I am her primary caretaker. She has figured out at this age who she can depend on and who she can't. I have already raised 3 children that are adults and on their own. I knew what I was getting into and that is not the problem. The problem is I am a parent to both of them. It's worse than having an unruly teenager in the house. I have asked him to leave and move back to his house and take his child with him. When I get that angry he begs to stay and promises to change. Stops drinking for a couple of weeks and then falls off again. The cycle is exhausting to me. I know that I will have to be the one to move out and it's my house. I have asked him to go to private counseling, either seperate or together. When he's drunk he agrees but then sleeps through the appts. So now what. Financially I can support myself. For his child I feel a horrible sense of responsibility. I also know that I can't live like this forever and the angry environment isn't good for any of us. OK>>>>>I'm ready for the suggestions! Does anybody have any???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Im2old4this 
The problem is I am a parent to both of them. I also know that I can't live like this forever and the angry environment isn't good for any of us.
You are right, you are not the parent, to either your husband or the child, unless you left something out.
I think you answered your own question about advice. Ask yourself again, do you want to live that way forever?
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Welcome, and I'm sorry there aren't more folks around right now.
All I can tell you is that I"ve learned how to detach from my alcoholic husband and gave up the nasty cycles. We're seperated and I feel like I escaped.
There are many others with greater wisdom here, I would suggest doing the reading above, any of the links can help.
I think things will change when you stop reacting to him.
When you believe his actions, not his words. Also, you don't have to leave your house, you can tell him to leave and make him, I"m just not sure how right now. I think you have to be firm and not get into conversations about it, so he can twist things around. Doesn't matter waht he says anyway you don't need to hear it.
Try pulling back, taking care of yourself and not worrying about or monitoring him. Tell him he needs to leave and he needs to be out by a specific date. If he comes to you with any sort of negotiation or sob story or guilt trip or whatever, say to him, this is not my problem. This is over and you need to move back to your house.
That's what I would do. And do not engage.
I"m glad you're here. Oh, there is a sticky in the above section called When Will The Pain End or something like that and it's really helpful.
Welcome!
All I can tell you is that I"ve learned how to detach from my alcoholic husband and gave up the nasty cycles. We're seperated and I feel like I escaped.
There are many others with greater wisdom here, I would suggest doing the reading above, any of the links can help.
I think things will change when you stop reacting to him.
When you believe his actions, not his words. Also, you don't have to leave your house, you can tell him to leave and make him, I"m just not sure how right now. I think you have to be firm and not get into conversations about it, so he can twist things around. Doesn't matter waht he says anyway you don't need to hear it.
Try pulling back, taking care of yourself and not worrying about or monitoring him. Tell him he needs to leave and he needs to be out by a specific date. If he comes to you with any sort of negotiation or sob story or guilt trip or whatever, say to him, this is not my problem. This is over and you need to move back to your house.
That's what I would do. And do not engage.
I"m glad you're here. Oh, there is a sticky in the above section called When Will The Pain End or something like that and it's really helpful.
Welcome!
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Welcome. Glad you found this site - it has helped me so much! Take some time to have a read through the sticky posts at the top of the forum. When I read them I was amazed at how many stories were so like my own!
I'd also recommend reading 'Co Dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - it was a real eye opener for me! 'Under the influence' was another book I'd recommend.
I also went to counselling - just for me - which was awesome.
Stick around - there is a lot of collective wisdom and experience here!
I'd also recommend reading 'Co Dependant No More' by Melody Beattie - it was a real eye opener for me! 'Under the influence' was another book I'd recommend.
I also went to counselling - just for me - which was awesome.
Stick around - there is a lot of collective wisdom and experience here!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
He won't agree to therapy, okay. You can still go, right? Are there any Alanon meetings in your community?
He is doing whatever he wants. He behaves a few days/weeks to get you off of his back and then the cycle repeats itself. You become angry and resentful that his changes are temporary. Your anger creates hostility in the relationship and the home. Is this healthy for the daughter? Is this the role model you want to portray for her future relationships? i.e., Men are allowed to get drunk, pass out on the floor, make empty promises, and as long as they bring home a paycheck - life is good?
This is one of the things I learned here and at Alanon concerning alcoholism:
The Three C's
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
Please make yourself at home here. Post and read as much as needed.
He won't agree to therapy, okay. You can still go, right? Are there any Alanon meetings in your community?
He is doing whatever he wants. He behaves a few days/weeks to get you off of his back and then the cycle repeats itself. You become angry and resentful that his changes are temporary. Your anger creates hostility in the relationship and the home. Is this healthy for the daughter? Is this the role model you want to portray for her future relationships? i.e., Men are allowed to get drunk, pass out on the floor, make empty promises, and as long as they bring home a paycheck - life is good?
This is one of the things I learned here and at Alanon concerning alcoholism:
The Three C's
You did not cause it
You can not control it
You will not cure it
Please make yourself at home here. Post and read as much as needed.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Im2old4this...First off..WELCOME!!
Next, I think there are some similarities between your experience and mine. Though your stepchild is younger than mine, you are essentially her mother. I have been in this role for several years now. I have also lived with an alcoholic (albeit a slightly more functional one) and raised his child. This child has held me back from dumping his dysfunctional father for a long while now. I love my stepson dearly, we get along fantastically, and I knew that if I left, he'd be very alone. So I waited. He was 6 when I met his father, and now he's 12.
It's taken me this long to come to terms with the fact that I cannot and will not accept his father's drinking, addictions, verbal abuse and overall manipulations. I've also come to terms with the concept that I cannot save everyone if I am not safe myself. So I'm leaving. Tomorrow. With my baby girl. I've done my best to give my stepson the tools he needs to see his father's patterns. I've introduced him to Al-Anon and given him some literature. I've kept the lines of communications open with him; he can call/text/email whenever he wants. I've given him the option of coming to see me where I'll be living anytime he wants. He's old enough to travel to me so that makes things easier. I've asked him to call for help if he needs it; I've informed his biological mother of the situation. Aside from that, I cannot do more. I am not superhuman. Because both of his biological parents are alive, I have no legal rights to my stepson. I am saddened by how things turned out. I will continue to offer my support and presence in his life, but that's all I can do.
With regard to your situation, what legal rights do you have to your stepdaughter? If her father were out of the picture, would you be willing to take her? Also, is her father drunk and behaving dangerously in her presence? This is something you could report if you're willing. My X never behaved "dangerously" around his son, and there was never any abuse, which made it tricky for me...
Finally, as a woman, do you want this girl to grow up thinking that this is how all relationships with men are supposed to be? Imagine HER involved with someone like her father...Ultimately, this is what prompted me to take action and leave my X: my 1 year old daughter.
Next, I think there are some similarities between your experience and mine. Though your stepchild is younger than mine, you are essentially her mother. I have been in this role for several years now. I have also lived with an alcoholic (albeit a slightly more functional one) and raised his child. This child has held me back from dumping his dysfunctional father for a long while now. I love my stepson dearly, we get along fantastically, and I knew that if I left, he'd be very alone. So I waited. He was 6 when I met his father, and now he's 12.
It's taken me this long to come to terms with the fact that I cannot and will not accept his father's drinking, addictions, verbal abuse and overall manipulations. I've also come to terms with the concept that I cannot save everyone if I am not safe myself. So I'm leaving. Tomorrow. With my baby girl. I've done my best to give my stepson the tools he needs to see his father's patterns. I've introduced him to Al-Anon and given him some literature. I've kept the lines of communications open with him; he can call/text/email whenever he wants. I've given him the option of coming to see me where I'll be living anytime he wants. He's old enough to travel to me so that makes things easier. I've asked him to call for help if he needs it; I've informed his biological mother of the situation. Aside from that, I cannot do more. I am not superhuman. Because both of his biological parents are alive, I have no legal rights to my stepson. I am saddened by how things turned out. I will continue to offer my support and presence in his life, but that's all I can do.
With regard to your situation, what legal rights do you have to your stepdaughter? If her father were out of the picture, would you be willing to take her? Also, is her father drunk and behaving dangerously in her presence? This is something you could report if you're willing. My X never behaved "dangerously" around his son, and there was never any abuse, which made it tricky for me...
Finally, as a woman, do you want this girl to grow up thinking that this is how all relationships with men are supposed to be? Imagine HER involved with someone like her father...Ultimately, this is what prompted me to take action and leave my X: my 1 year old daughter.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi i'm too old for this-
i am concerned if he has the little girl without you there because:
1. he passes out for a few hours.
2. he gets up from his passout and drives, which to me says he's still over the limit.
couple of questions:
1. does he drive over the limit with her in the car?
2. do you have any custodial rights with respect to your step-daugher?
3. is your home rented or owned? who is on the lease/deed?
you are in a tough spot and the little girl, in even a worse one. when i read your post, my first thought is for the little girl. someone must protect her and keep her safe. i don't know how to accomplish that, but if you keep posting here, we will all find a way together. there's a lot of experience and knowledge here, i hope you stay.
all that said, welcome!
naive
i am concerned if he has the little girl without you there because:
1. he passes out for a few hours.
2. he gets up from his passout and drives, which to me says he's still over the limit.
couple of questions:
1. does he drive over the limit with her in the car?
2. do you have any custodial rights with respect to your step-daugher?
3. is your home rented or owned? who is on the lease/deed?
you are in a tough spot and the little girl, in even a worse one. when i read your post, my first thought is for the little girl. someone must protect her and keep her safe. i don't know how to accomplish that, but if you keep posting here, we will all find a way together. there's a lot of experience and knowledge here, i hope you stay.
all that said, welcome!
naive
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
I've asked my husband, very seriously, to go to counseling three times over the last few years. He always refused. In hindsight it wouldn't have made a difference anyway since he was in active addiction. My biggest regret is not going myself. My advice is to go to that counseling yourself.
Sorry you are in such a difficult place.
Sorry you are in such a difficult place.
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