BS08

And as I get closer to going, the more I feel like I don't want to go.

My emotions are all over the place the closer I get to going. I haven't seen any of them in 15 years! Hell, I've never been back in my home state for 15 years. And I'm trying to get a grasp on it all. Having this whole life thrown back at me is going to be hard to take.

I talked to my therapist about it the other day and how I was feeling. What doesn't help is that as I get closer, the more I obsess about my ex, the worse I feel, and all this stuff comes up. Will they accept me? Will they even like me? Will they abandon me? Can they understand? Can the kids understand? It's just so completely overwhelming. I don't even know if I feel good about it. I just know that I feel really alone right now, that I feel I've been isolating myself and retreating. It's also really making me look at my life and seeing this huge whole of what I'm missing. I always thought I had a great life, but it's all stuff. What I've really wanted is close, loving relationships, and while I have some, they are few. It makes me feel like a failure now in this department, I've protected myself for so long, that now it's more visable. My therapist told me that this would happen. She said it's going to be hard and my focusing on my ex is a way to void feeling what I truly feel. I need to feel it, but it's just so damn hard. I keep thinking how life was so much easier a year ago, even if it was with my ex. I was happy then (in my ignorant bliss) and long to run back there. But I know I have to go through this to have my family back. It's hard for them too. I talked to my sister about it tonight and she understands. She said that there were some old childhood family friends that wanted to see me when I come back, but my older sister told them not this time. She felt it would be too much, and she's right now that I think about it. I just feel like I'm going to be bawling everywhere. It's a weird feeling right now, just kinda empty. I thought I should be happy now that this is happening. And I just don't feel happy, more depressed. My therapist said that I should stop "shoulding" all over myself. Just feel what I feel and keep communication open with my sisters. How many people get a second chance with their family like this?

Just trying to deal with this overload of feelings right now and trying to rejoin the world emotionally. Luckily, I've been so busy the past 2 weeks, haven't had much time to just sit by myself. Going to a Halloween party tomorrow night and hopefully that will help jolt me back to the land of the living. I just feel so detached right now and don't even like being around myself!

Anybody ever had to deal with these feelings reconnecting with your family?

bookwyrm

I haven't been in your exact situation. I have reconnected with friends who stopped talking to me and my STBXAH 9 years ago because of his behaviour (I didn't know why at the time). It was a bit scary but I met with them anyway and I now count them as good friends.

Its such an emotional time for you and for your family and you seem to have so many self doubts. Who cares if you cry - I'd expect you and them to have tears because of high emotions!!

I too 'should' myself a lot - it is something I've been working on with my counsellor. You are who you are and you feel what you feel. Should doesn't come into it. I have to be aware when I'm 'should'ing myself into depression - I find it all too easy to do. Something Givelove said on the forum clicked with me - have a look at my sig line. It has kinda become my mantra. I have it on my screensaver etc. (Have I thanked you for this Givelove? If not then thank you. Your words have helped me more than I can ever tell you.) I am who I am, I feel what I feel and I've done what I've done and no amount of shoulding can (or should! ) change it.

Maybe its time to have a look at the first step again? Let go of the worry - what will happen will happen. It does sound as if your sister is looking out for you and cares! I hope that, once it is all over, you'll wonder what all the worry was about. Be kind to yourself.

:ghug3

Bernadette

A good trick I learned in CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) is to turn "shoulds" into "wills."

"I should have gone back to school in 1999 when I first looked into it!"
"I will take a class next month and see how I like it."

"I should have recognized how toxic this relationship was years ago!"
"I will make an effort to be mindful of my gut feelings and not minimize other people's bad behavior."

"I shouldn't have cried like a baby when I saw my sister!"
"I will allow myself to feel whatever emotions come naturally. I will look at my past behavior with compassion for where I was at in that moment."

Y'know - like that! Gets me out of the "beat myself to a pulp" mode and into a more active stance towards my life.

BS08 - it sounds very intense what's coming up for you! keep an open mind, about yourself and about your family.

Louise Hay's affirmations REALLY help me when I am just on the edge and in a total panic -- unless I am falling off a cliff I can always say (out loud or in my mind) "I am safe. All is well." Sometimes I have had to repeat this a thousand times to myself in order to calm my nerves. It does work...if I work it!

"I thought I should be happy now that this is happening."
"I will be open to whatever feelings come my way and maybe just be curious about what is in store and who these people are to me now."

Maybe keep a journal handy - to unload your observations and feelings.

Good luck BS08 (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
you are being very brave!
peace-
b

BS08

Thanks guys for you posts. Your suggestion Bernadette was really helpful. It's changing that attitude and mindset that makes all the difference. I started replacing the "shoulds" with the "wills" and it really did make me feel better.

But the rest of this week has been really hard emotionally. I've found myself not liking to be alone. I have gotten very depressed these past few days and today's the first day I feel really that I'm starting to get out of it. I've been really busy with work/patrol/Halloween, but the moment I got home and on my own, I would just start to cry and feel empty. And the obsession with my ex amped up. I knew ski season would do that to me. We did most of our stuff together during ski season, and I have to get used to not driving over to his house after skiing anymore. Just a bunch of memories and triggers around for me right now I have to work through. It just complicates things emotionally. It's like I don't have just one situation to work through, it's 2.

But my therapist told me that a lot of the feelings I have are actually feelings of grief and mourning over all the years that I have been without family and all the things I've missed. It's part of the mourning process that I didn't even really realize I was going through. They send me photos and I've missed weddings, birthdays, watching the girls grow and just all the other life events. They send me photos of the time they all spend together at one of my nieces soccers games, and it makes me feel on the outside. I asked my nieces if they would just like to sit around the table one night and I would cook them dinner and we could get to know each other and they all responded but one. My sister said she was like that and don't take it personal. But at the same time, the girls don't know me. They were babies when I left. I don't want them to think they are obligated to spend time with me, but it really means the world to me if they do.

I also think reconnecting with them is also reconnecting with that part of me I've tried so hard to remove. The growing up with an abusive, dry drunk of a mother. All the pain and hardships she caused. My aunt (her sister), which I also recently go in touch with (and has always been a pretty functional alcoholic) stated that she didn't realize all the stuff going on in my house while growing up and she was sorry she wasn't there. I also had to deal with learning that my older cousin committed suicide at their house in 2007 after his wife had an affair and he was going through a bad divorce. God, do I know how he was feeling a bit.

But while I'm happy I have reconnected, it has also brought on a flurry of other emotions that I'm trying to deal with, and it's kinda hard. I'd have more theraphy session, but I can't afford them right now. Tired of burdening my best friend with this, so just trying to just realize they are feelings and will pass. But it's really hard. I'm hoping I'll be more emotionally stable after the visit.

But it's a start. We'll see what happens from here. I just keep telling myself that even if I don't understand it and it feels awful, God knows what he's doing and is bringing me where I need to go...even if he is dragging me by the ankles...

Thanks for reading...

bookwyrm

I think you're doing so well. You're aware of your emotions and that you can experience them without having to act on them and that they will pass. I've found that grief can be very sneaky sometimes and it often takes someone else pointing out to me what I'm going through to recognise it.

Getting stuff done helps me when I'm feeling low - it gives me a sense of satisfaction to have actually done something. You sound like you need a distraction for you when you have some alone time and 'those' feelings intrude. I became a sudoku addict after STBXAH moved out! Can you find something that will absord you so you don't start thinking about the ex?

Reconnecting is scary - of course you're going to feel like the outsider. Try not to focus on what you've missed out on but on what you can now share in. I don't have a big family and it isn't very close. I'm kinda envious of you having all these family members to reconnect with!

You can do this. :ghug3

BS08

Okay, I leave in 2 days. And what did I do? I had an appointment for a cut and highlight with my hair yesterday. I've been blonde for YEARS and then on Monday, I called the salon and told them to change it to a color. My friends all said I looked good with dark hair after I wore a wig at a Halloween party. And I don't know what possessed me, but I called up the salon told them to change it to a color, and here we are. My hair is now chestnut in color with red highlights. I've never had it this dark!! I feel like I'm in a wig. I went to a meeting last night and no one recognized me at first.

So what's this got to do with anything? After I got home yesterday, I was feeling all out of sorts and a bit like I'd lost a little control after looking at my hair. I've been playing with depression for a week (I think just from the overload of emotions as I get closer to leaving), I've also been really pissed off and angry about having to deal with all this myself (my ex had been talking about going with me when I visited them). I talked with my therapist yesterday and she asked how I felt with the hair and I said "hidden". That's how I feel. Hiding under my hair.

She told me that this was an outward symbol of what I'm feeling inside. This weekend changes life for me as I know it. I will no long be the lonely girl without family trying to get by. I will now really have family to call my own again, and it's a really scary thing. This will really change me and my world as I have know it. Hence, I threw away my "old" self (the blonde) and changed to a new person (the brunette). It's funny I didn't realize it until she said it. I just didn't want to be blonde anymore. My therapist said it's because I'm not really that girl anymore. Life is changing for me in some amazing ways, and it's a way of purging. And I do feel different. I do feel like in some weird way that I have left that life behind- the aexbf, feeling alone in the world, not really having that support system, feeling that I'm not okay and don't belong somewhere, feeling different from others because I didn't have family. Just telling people at work that I'm "going home" this week seems unreal to me. And they can't really understand the impact of those 3 little words. I'm going home.

So yup, I've changed my do, I'm packing my bags, and I'm heading out.

I'm going home...

bookwyrm

Awesome.

Wishing you a fantastic reunion.