dojoro

This was my routine for years. Tonight I have to do everything except the take a sip. it is killing me. Cooking dinner, feeding the boys, cleaning the kitchen, emptying the dishwasher, mopping the floor all took place with wine. It all went together. It worked until my bleeping liver enzymes decided to rat me out. I still have to do all those things without my wine or any drink for that matter. What usually takes an hour or two is going on 3 and I still have tons to do. being in my own kitchen seems to be the most difficult. At this point I am trying to tell myself reasons why I should be able to drink...the best I can come uo with is why would I want to put myself through this any longer...I could cut down, hey every other day is better then every day! Maybe I'll eventually move to every three and then every four. Those are my thoughts...heading back to the kitchen to continue cleaning the mess. I miss my wine which was always right there on the corner of the counter when I needed her. Together we made that kitchen shine!

Jo

Dee74

Drinking was my constant companion too.
It made the mundane bearable, and made me think I did a better job.
I think now I just felt 'better' when I was drinking because I was addicted...

It's not easy to break that cycle Jo but it's not impossible
try and vary your routine as much as you can
....and keep posting

D

txsar

Hi dojoro,
I read your original post and saw a lot of myself in you. It's 5:35 here in TX and I too drank my wine as I was cooking dinner, then with dinner and then after the kids went to bed. I was craving just a little while ago but it has passed for now. This is not my first attempt at trying not to drink but I'm hoping this time is my last. I played some of the mind games that you too are playing. I thought "I really don't drink THAT much", maybe I'll just try to drink on the weekends. So I'd buy a bottle on Friday that would normally last until Sunday. But then Monday came and I ended up having to go get more. And on and on. The "weekends only" drinking didn't work, the "buying only a litte at a time" didn't work and all of the other approaches I tried to use for moderation did not work. What I realized was that I could not moderate and I could not control it. And so here I am again. Maybe you can moderate it but maybe it's the alcohol talking. Hang in there!
txsar

joedris

Have you called AA yet?

Lonewolf515

That stinkin' thinkin'....well its a battle but it sounds like you're aware and fighting back. You can do it. The kids will thank you for it.

PurpleCat

It helps if you have something else to drink, like sparkling water or tea, to replace the habit part of it.

dojoro

haven't called AA. I feel funny doing that, not sure why. My plan is to get the boys to bed and take a tylenol pm and read until I fall asleep. the kitchen is almost done I haven't eaten yet I don't feel all that hungry. just ready for the day to end. I will look up AA after they are asleep. See what is happening locally. Is it possible to drink again or is it never ever. I just keep yhinking of all these upcoming events I can't imagine not having a drink through so why torture myself now when it is inevitable. But if I could get through them WOW...I would feel empowered...thanks for the replies and the help tonight!

barb dwyer

hi -

what you've described I've come to call a 'reward oriented alcoholic'.

so instead of rewarding self with a drink - I had to change the thinking to -

when I'd done the whole thing (whatever - kitchen, house, horse stalls, whatever)

I rewarded myself with a 'pretty'.

like a little token jewelry item from the department store.
or a pair of jeans.
or a fancy bath salts thingy ....


At the end of my first month -
I rewarded myself with a coffee cup.
I still have it.

And I had to start by 'paying' myself
instead of the drink reward.
I kept an old ornate flower pot on the counter
and threw change in it
every time I kept the house clean for a whole week.

The 'payment' went from task - by task
to later on - week then months at a time.

it really helped me to do it that way - hope there's something in there that helps!

smacked

Miserable way to live hun.. I hope you hang in there and get help soon.

least

You CAN get thru this without drinking. Replace your drinking with, as was suggested, sparkling water, tea, or any other non alcoholic drink. Your liver is begging you to quit. Please don't do your health any more damage. Your kids need you sober and healthy. But do it for yourself and they will reap the rewards along with you.:ghug3

Anna

We do understand how very hard it is.

When I knew I had to stop drinking, I couldn't even imagine getting through a day without alcohol. Like you, my health was suffering. Thank god, I made that choice more than 9 years ago, and I am here, enjoying the gift of two grandchildren this year.

My suggestion is to change your routines. That really, really helped me. If cleaning the kitchen at the end of the day is a trigger, can you do it at another time? Can your husband help you and you switch to another chored? Do whatever it takes. And, if you are an alcoholic, you can never drink again. But, don't focus on that.

dojoro

I know cleaning the kitchen sucks. Complete misery. And cooking dinner yuck! Maybe I should hire some help...brilliant!

Boys are in bed. Day is done. Love the reward idea. That is just my thing. I always head to TJ Maxx after I have done a week at the gym or less. Just an excuse to shop but this time it has meaning I am going to spend tonight thinking of a reward...maybe one of those new charm bracelets things...they're cute and symbolic I guess...this could be fun.

Thanks!

TexasDan

Dojoro - my story exactly (but it *wasn't* cleaning the kitchen). 3pm was my magical hour - and consequently the same time all productive work stopped. Hard to build a house/deck/barn/etc and hold a drink at the same time.

I am newly sober - but find that this board makes a great place to browse/hang/post when I feel the urge to imbibe. I've also noticed that when I *eat* I don't want a drink. Too full already!

I am new and won't say much - but hang in there. Really good folks here...wish I had found this site sooner!

Dan

barb dwyer

I would KILL to have a TJ MaXX here !!!!!

uh, metaphorically.

watsonc

Ah! Am so with you on this! Txsar, dojoro. Women and wine. I think there's something in the substance that gets to women more than men. I'm on day 13 without drinking. Wine is my problem. 30 years of about 5 glasses (nearly a bottle anyway!) of wine *daily*. I'm 47 and know I can't continue that. I didn't have children, and my husband and family members all drink. I'm responsible, have a masters degree, work hard....there's never been any bad consequences. A friend and addiction counselor said I was the sort of alcoholic that was tough to work with because focusing on bad consquences of drinking is a big motivator. Having children and being sober for them must be a huge motivator. Meanwhile, I miss wine like mad at the end of day; cooking, sipping, watching tv. But, I know my liver must be thanking me...and I do feel more calm and less depressed I think.

traderjane

I am a Mom, too, and got into drinking wine to relax at home at night (before dinner during, and after -- while cleaning up!)

I think the reason that we turn to wine for that nightly relaxation or escape as Moms is that we are stuck here. We can't go out and do something else to relax at least while the kids are very young. So we turn to wine as something we can do at home and still manage to do all those other things we need to get done -- the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, packing the kids' lunches, etc. All can be done while sipping wine.

I'm now at the stage where it has come back to bite me in the @ss.... and it is no longer the escape it used to be. It is work but I am finding other ways to "escape" and trying to redefine what I do in the evenings. My kids are also getting a little bigger, which makes it easier to get out and do different things (and away from that cozy bottle of wine at home).

So... welcome to SR and keep reading and posting. You'll figure it out.

barb dwyer

the highest selling wine in the nation is white zin

the second and third are reisling and chardonnay.

I think if anyone bothered to take a national poll on that - they'd find it was the women population drinking that volume.

I think they'd find (whoever 'they' are)
that the actual number of women drinking alone
is shockingly higher than 'they' thought.

higher than they want to admit, probably.

Dee74

It's not just women, guys.

I was stuck at home too - and drank for many of the same reasons - boredom, escape, loneliness.

I'm still stuck at home, but I changed my mindset, I changed my approach
and I changed my life.

It really can be done

D

barb dwyer

I was speaking of drinking white wine, tho

Dee74

oh, I drank any wine that was cheap Barb.
The point was we stay at homes can turn things around

D