Some random thoughts on boundaries and control
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Some random thoughts on boundaries and control
I've been mulling over some of the recent postings and having some "aha" moments about boundaries. I'd like to share, if that's ok. If you find something helpful, take it. If not, leave it, that's ok by me.
I spent a lot of years in my marriage worried about what HE was doing, trying to manipulate and control his behavior. I read his emails. I monitored his texts. I checked his visted websites. I confronted. I yelled. I cried. I used sex to get him to behave. I used guilt. I used food. I used anger. I used shame.
In the last few days some posts struck me...a great post about "I" statements, a couple of threads about what exes are up to, a couple of threads about dealing with an alcoholic partner's behavior.
I think I understand now what a boundary is. It is not something that I say another person should or shouldn't do. In other words, it is not saying "I will stay with you if YOU go to AA...if YOU go to therapy...if YOU stop yelling...if YOU stop cheating." It is not a "you need to..." statement.
A boundary is something of MINE. "I will be with someone who treats me with respect. I will be with someone who is committed. I will not date an alcoholic. I will not live with an abuser." It removes all control over the situation from another person and puts it in my hands. I can state a boundary verbally, I can keep it in my head, I can show it through my actions, lovingly and respectfully. It does not require me to by angry or controlling or abusive, it simply enables me to put the power of staying or going in my own feet.
When I am honoring my own boundaries I am less concerned with another person's success or failure and more concerned with how I behave, how I feel, what I think. I love the people in my life but instead of loving them by controlling them, I love them with respect for their right to be adults and make their own choices. I love my husband. But I will not live with him. It is ok for me to make this choice because I am important, my boundaries are important TO ME and I have the right to enforce them. It has nothing to do with making a judgment about whether he is a good person or a bad person. I can love a person without liking their behavior. I can choose to live free of their behaviors, and take steps to remove myself from the consequences of their behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
Thanks for being patient and not laughing at me while I take these baby steps.
I spent a lot of years in my marriage worried about what HE was doing, trying to manipulate and control his behavior. I read his emails. I monitored his texts. I checked his visted websites. I confronted. I yelled. I cried. I used sex to get him to behave. I used guilt. I used food. I used anger. I used shame.
In the last few days some posts struck me...a great post about "I" statements, a couple of threads about what exes are up to, a couple of threads about dealing with an alcoholic partner's behavior.
I think I understand now what a boundary is. It is not something that I say another person should or shouldn't do. In other words, it is not saying "I will stay with you if YOU go to AA...if YOU go to therapy...if YOU stop yelling...if YOU stop cheating." It is not a "you need to..." statement.
A boundary is something of MINE. "I will be with someone who treats me with respect. I will be with someone who is committed. I will not date an alcoholic. I will not live with an abuser." It removes all control over the situation from another person and puts it in my hands. I can state a boundary verbally, I can keep it in my head, I can show it through my actions, lovingly and respectfully. It does not require me to by angry or controlling or abusive, it simply enables me to put the power of staying or going in my own feet.
When I am honoring my own boundaries I am less concerned with another person's success or failure and more concerned with how I behave, how I feel, what I think. I love the people in my life but instead of loving them by controlling them, I love them with respect for their right to be adults and make their own choices. I love my husband. But I will not live with him. It is ok for me to make this choice because I am important, my boundaries are important TO ME and I have the right to enforce them. It has nothing to do with making a judgment about whether he is a good person or a bad person. I can love a person without liking their behavior. I can choose to live free of their behaviors, and take steps to remove myself from the consequences of their behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
Thanks for being patient and not laughing at me while I take these baby steps.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
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I think I understand now what a boundary is. It is not something that I say another person should or shouldn't do. In other words, it is not saying "I will stay with you if YOU go to AA...if YOU go to therapy...if YOU stop yelling...if YOU stop cheating." It is not a "you need to..." statement.
A boundary is something of MINE. "I will be with someone who treats me with respect. I will be with someone who is committed. I will not date an alcoholic. I will not live with an abuser." It removes all control over the situation from another person and puts it in my hands. I can state a boundary verbally, I can keep it in my head, I can show it through my actions, lovingly and respectfully. It does not require me to by angry or controlling or abusive, it simply enables me to put the power of staying or going in my own feet.
When I am honoring my own boundaries I am less concerned with another person's success or failure and more concerned with how I behave, how I feel, what I think.
I love the people in my life but instead of loving them by controlling them, I love them with respect for their right to be adults and make their own choices.
I love my husband. But I will not live with him. It is ok for me to make this choice because I am important, my boundaries are important TO ME and I have the right to enforce them. It has nothing to do with making a judgment about whether he is a good person or a bad person. I can love a person without liking their behavior. I can choose to live free of their behaviors, and take steps to remove myself from the consequences of their behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
Thanks for being patient and not laughing at me while I take these baby steps.
A boundary is something of MINE. "I will be with someone who treats me with respect. I will be with someone who is committed. I will not date an alcoholic. I will not live with an abuser." It removes all control over the situation from another person and puts it in my hands. I can state a boundary verbally, I can keep it in my head, I can show it through my actions, lovingly and respectfully. It does not require me to by angry or controlling or abusive, it simply enables me to put the power of staying or going in my own feet.
When I am honoring my own boundaries I am less concerned with another person's success or failure and more concerned with how I behave, how I feel, what I think.
I love the people in my life but instead of loving them by controlling them, I love them with respect for their right to be adults and make their own choices.
I love my husband. But I will not live with him. It is ok for me to make this choice because I am important, my boundaries are important TO ME and I have the right to enforce them. It has nothing to do with making a judgment about whether he is a good person or a bad person. I can love a person without liking their behavior. I can choose to live free of their behaviors, and take steps to remove myself from the consequences of their behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
Thanks for being patient and not laughing at me while I take these baby steps.
exactly, I mean I struggled FOR YEARS with this concept, I mean for DECADES, I couldn't figure out why my boundaries only worked with "healthy people" because they weren't boundaries, they were behavior modification or "control" if you will
The last few weeks I have been contemplating learning how to set boundaries "inside love" because for the most part I am great about setting boundaries in MOST areas of my life, I have learned if I love someone, I trust them, and if I trust them, i don't have any boundaries, it was black and white thinking, but it was the ones I loved that were harming me, I thought love meant the absence of boundaries on some level, strictly an unconscious level, but it was there nonetheless, so I have been taking the last X number of months learning how to love people but still set boundaries, learning it's not one or the other
So if this is a baby step I have a ways to go, because it took me the better part of two decades to learn this.
always love your posts BTW, your honesty is refreshing, not honesty like cash register honesty, but telling the truth to yourself and us, it's always a learning experience for me reading your stuff
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Excellent thread !!!!!
You are totally right... boundaries are for oneself.... no need to shout them out
They show themselves in our daily actions
And more than that, on the way we feel and the way we carry ourselves
Cowgirl I agree with Ago its a joy to read your posts, very insightful !
You are totally right... boundaries are for oneself.... no need to shout them out
They show themselves in our daily actions
And more than that, on the way we feel and the way we carry ourselves
Cowgirl I agree with Ago its a joy to read your posts, very insightful !
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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It has nothing to do with making a judgment about whether he is a good person or a bad person. I can love a person without liking their behavior. I can choose to live free of their behaviors, and take steps to remove myself from the consequences of their behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
So I realize that by honoring my boundary I have freed myself of the stress, the anxiety, the absolute twistedness of the consequences of someone else's behavior.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Congratulations, Cowgirl!
Personally, I've found that another really nice benefit of having and maintaining good, healthy boundaries is that I don't find myself feeling angry and resentful...After all, if I'm not letting people use and abuse me, then that pretty much eliminates the lion's share of what I might have to be angry and resentful about...either toward others or toward myself.
freya
Personally, I've found that another really nice benefit of having and maintaining good, healthy boundaries is that I don't find myself feeling angry and resentful...After all, if I'm not letting people use and abuse me, then that pretty much eliminates the lion's share of what I might have to be angry and resentful about...either toward others or toward myself.
freya
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Originally Posted by Im2old4this 
You are so right about the bounderies. It's just so hard to keep the boundries I have set when there is a child involved and everyday is different. Plus I just get tired of saying NO!
'No' is a good word. Say often. Wash, rinse repeat.
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Originally Posted by freya
I've found that another really nice benefit of having and maintaining good, healthy boundaries is that I don't find myself feeling angry and resentful..
This is so true. I'm doing everyone a favor when I set up boundaries for myself... No one has to suffer the wrath of my discontentment when I get let down or things don't go my way--I only have myself to blame now!
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