Frustrated
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Frustrated
Last night, I attempted to make a nice "family" night. C was home with us which means he was coming down, so he was tired, grouchy...he was drinking but not a bunch.
I made several attempts to be nice, joke around, and make it a fun evening. He had nothing to say that was positive...and I couldn't do enough to make him happy. His take on things last night was that he was home, which I say I want, and I still wasn't happy. Well how can I be happy when he makes it so very obvious he's not happy to be there? It is so very frustrating.
We had frozen pizzas for dinner, he threw them in while I was doing dishes and starting laundry. I was trying to get things done because it was pumpkin carving night. So he cooked ours first, then burnt his (which is my fault because I had him so frustrated). I made a point to sit by him when I sat down to eat, and afterwards sat by him and was trying to be affectionate (because he always says I am not, and he is right). So anyway I made the effort, but he's just so disconent. When Ryan and I carved his pumpkin, we were joking about how we were gonna carve a mustache into it and call it (his name). I don't think he smiled once the whole night.
He fell asleep later on my lap on the couch, but I got up to move b/c my leg was falling asleep. That woke him up, and he was mad that I moved to the other sofa. He got up and told me he was going to bed and asked if I was coming, I told him in a little while (it was going on 9), well that made him mad, he said "just wait until I do this to you tomorrow night, I'll stay up until midnight". That comes from me getting aggravated when he is using and he stays up all night and I always go to bed by myself.
So like a codie, I get up and follow him into the bedroom and try to "talk". I know better, so why do I do this? I told him he's just never happy to be there, and he said "if you would quit bitching then I would be happy". So it got heated and I said "if you aren't happy here then just leave"...but I don't want him to leave.
It is so frustrating that he doesn't see things the way they really are. I am not saying I am a happy person, but I did try very hard to be pleasant to him, to have fun, and interact with him the way I used to (and he would be happy)...and according to him, I bitched and nagged all night??? (BTW, my bitching was me saying to him "why can't you just be happy"...stuff like that. He proceeded to tell me he doesn't have problems getting along with anyone else, and he's fine until he's around me. But to me, those are superficial relationships, they dont' live together, aren't intimate together.
I am also frustrated with myself that I can't enjoy the night and be happy no matter what his mood is.
I made several attempts to be nice, joke around, and make it a fun evening. He had nothing to say that was positive...and I couldn't do enough to make him happy. His take on things last night was that he was home, which I say I want, and I still wasn't happy. Well how can I be happy when he makes it so very obvious he's not happy to be there? It is so very frustrating.
We had frozen pizzas for dinner, he threw them in while I was doing dishes and starting laundry. I was trying to get things done because it was pumpkin carving night. So he cooked ours first, then burnt his (which is my fault because I had him so frustrated). I made a point to sit by him when I sat down to eat, and afterwards sat by him and was trying to be affectionate (because he always says I am not, and he is right). So anyway I made the effort, but he's just so disconent. When Ryan and I carved his pumpkin, we were joking about how we were gonna carve a mustache into it and call it (his name). I don't think he smiled once the whole night.
He fell asleep later on my lap on the couch, but I got up to move b/c my leg was falling asleep. That woke him up, and he was mad that I moved to the other sofa. He got up and told me he was going to bed and asked if I was coming, I told him in a little while (it was going on 9), well that made him mad, he said "just wait until I do this to you tomorrow night, I'll stay up until midnight". That comes from me getting aggravated when he is using and he stays up all night and I always go to bed by myself.
So like a codie, I get up and follow him into the bedroom and try to "talk". I know better, so why do I do this? I told him he's just never happy to be there, and he said "if you would quit bitching then I would be happy". So it got heated and I said "if you aren't happy here then just leave"...but I don't want him to leave.
It is so frustrating that he doesn't see things the way they really are. I am not saying I am a happy person, but I did try very hard to be pleasant to him, to have fun, and interact with him the way I used to (and he would be happy)...and according to him, I bitched and nagged all night??? (BTW, my bitching was me saying to him "why can't you just be happy"...stuff like that. He proceeded to tell me he doesn't have problems getting along with anyone else, and he's fine until he's around me. But to me, those are superficial relationships, they dont' live together, aren't intimate together.
I am also frustrated with myself that I can't enjoy the night and be happy no matter what his mood is.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Reading your post brought back so many memories of my days with exAH. For so many
years I thought if I just did things differently, or like he asked, or loved him more, then we'd be the happy couple I envisioned everyone else was like.
Sadly, when dealing with an active addict, nothing we do can change them. They have to take initiative and work to makes things better too. Like doing all the things he asked of you, he still wasn't happy. And likely, his unhappiness is because he knows his addictions are out of control, he knows things aren't right, and instead of him being miserable alone with it, it's easier to blame you. Blame. It's "What Addicts Do". In times of weakness, I always like to go read the "What Addicts Do" sticky post. It reminds me it's not my fault.
(((HUGS)))
years I thought if I just did things differently, or like he asked, or loved him more, then we'd be the happy couple I envisioned everyone else was like.
Sadly, when dealing with an active addict, nothing we do can change them. They have to take initiative and work to makes things better too. Like doing all the things he asked of you, he still wasn't happy. And likely, his unhappiness is because he knows his addictions are out of control, he knows things aren't right, and instead of him being miserable alone with it, it's easier to blame you. Blame. It's "What Addicts Do". In times of weakness, I always like to go read the "What Addicts Do" sticky post. It reminds me it's not my fault.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Summerside, PE, Canada
Posts: 53
I felt exactly the same way sodetermined, and let me tell you... it hurts to be always treated as nothing else is ever good enough! I came to realize that I didn't cause him to be the way he was, and I can't help him get out of the way he was either so... I packed his stuff and said "ok.. see ya". I didn't want him to leave either, but I wanted his addiction and poor behavior to go. They went hand in hand, and ... they still walk hand in hand just without me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Thought this was interesting.....and it's got nothing to do with addiction
Characteristics of People Pleasers:
1. People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires.
2. People Pleasers often take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem.
3. People Pleasers often feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment.
4. People Pleasers often blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong.
5. People Pleasers are frequently more concerned with others' feelings than their own.
6. People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives.
7. People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems.
8. People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others.
People Pleasers are often the unwitting contributors to family dysfunction, although they are far from being the only culprit in a dysfunctional family. People Pleasers tend to have Injustice Collector counterparts: the Injustice Collector in the family remembers every slight, real or imagined, and throws it back in the People Pleaser's face, while the People Pleaser scurries to set things right with the angry Injustice Collector. The cycle will repeat indefinitely, because the particular dysfunctions of the People Pleaser and the Injustice Collector are a perfect fit with one another: Injustice Collectors feel entitled and People Pleasers feel that everyone ELSE is entitled.
Characteristics of People Pleasers:
1. People Pleasers rarely consider their own needs, wants, and desires.
2. People Pleasers often take any criticism as fact, and immediately suffer a deflation in their own self-esteem.
3. People Pleasers often feel an extraordinary fear of abandonment.
4. People Pleasers often blame themselves for everything that ever goes wrong.
5. People Pleasers are frequently more concerned with others' feelings than their own.
6. People Pleasers have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility, expecting of themselves magical abilities to fix the significant others' in their lives.
7. People Pleasers learned early in their lives to bury their own feelings, needs, and wants, and keep them buried until they get help for their problems.
8. People Pleasers chronically confuse pity with love and self-sacrifice with caring for others.
People Pleasers are often the unwitting contributors to family dysfunction, although they are far from being the only culprit in a dysfunctional family. People Pleasers tend to have Injustice Collector counterparts: the Injustice Collector in the family remembers every slight, real or imagined, and throws it back in the People Pleaser's face, while the People Pleaser scurries to set things right with the angry Injustice Collector. The cycle will repeat indefinitely, because the particular dysfunctions of the People Pleaser and the Injustice Collector are a perfect fit with one another: Injustice Collectors feel entitled and People Pleasers feel that everyone ELSE is entitled.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Originally Posted by sodetermined 
Last night, I attempted to make a nice "family" night. C was home with us which means he was coming down, so he was tired, grouchy...he was drinking but not a bunch.
I made several attempts to be nice, joke around, and make it a fun evening. He had nothing to say that was positive...and I couldn't do enough to make him happy. His take on things last night was that he was home, which I say I want, and I still wasn't happy. Well how can I be happy when he makes it so very obvious he's not happy to be there? It is so very frustrating.
We had frozen pizzas for dinner, he threw them in while I was doing dishes and starting laundry. I was trying to get things done because it was pumpkin carving night. So he cooked ours first, then burnt his (which is my fault because I had him so frustrated). I made a point to sit by him when I sat down to eat, and afterwards sat by him and was trying to be affectionate (because he always says I am not, and he is right). So anyway I made the effort, but he's just so disconent. When Ryan and I carved his pumpkin, we were joking about how we were gonna carve a mustache into it and call it (his name). I don't think he smiled once the whole night.
He fell asleep later on my lap on the couch, but I got up to move b/c my leg was falling asleep. That woke him up, and he was mad that I moved to the other sofa. He got up and told me he was going to bed and asked if I was coming, I told him in a little while (it was going on 9), well that made him mad, he said "just wait until I do this to you tomorrow night, I'll stay up until midnight". That comes from me getting aggravated when he is using and he stays up all night and I always go to bed by myself.
So like a codie, I get up and follow him into the bedroom and try to "talk". I know better, so why do I do this? I told him he's just never happy to be there, and he said "if you would quit bitching then I would be happy". So it got heated and I said "if you aren't happy here then just leave"...but I don't want him to leave.
I made several attempts to be nice, joke around, and make it a fun evening. He had nothing to say that was positive...and I couldn't do enough to make him happy. His take on things last night was that he was home, which I say I want, and I still wasn't happy. Well how can I be happy when he makes it so very obvious he's not happy to be there? It is so very frustrating.
We had frozen pizzas for dinner, he threw them in while I was doing dishes and starting laundry. I was trying to get things done because it was pumpkin carving night. So he cooked ours first, then burnt his (which is my fault because I had him so frustrated). I made a point to sit by him when I sat down to eat, and afterwards sat by him and was trying to be affectionate (because he always says I am not, and he is right). So anyway I made the effort, but he's just so disconent. When Ryan and I carved his pumpkin, we were joking about how we were gonna carve a mustache into it and call it (his name). I don't think he smiled once the whole night.
He fell asleep later on my lap on the couch, but I got up to move b/c my leg was falling asleep. That woke him up, and he was mad that I moved to the other sofa. He got up and told me he was going to bed and asked if I was coming, I told him in a little while (it was going on 9), well that made him mad, he said "just wait until I do this to you tomorrow night, I'll stay up until midnight". That comes from me getting aggravated when he is using and he stays up all night and I always go to bed by myself.
So like a codie, I get up and follow him into the bedroom and try to "talk". I know better, so why do I do this? I told him he's just never happy to be there, and he said "if you would quit bitching then I would be happy". So it got heated and I said "if you aren't happy here then just leave"...but I don't want him to leave.
Then I have to point out that asking him to leave but not really meaning it is passive-aggressive behavior. I bet you were angry when you didnt get the response of "no, no, I dont want to leave I love you and want to stay."
I bet that if you would have been present in the moment of having family night with your kids and doing stuff with your kids REGARDLESS of if he was having a good time, you wouldnt be frustrated today. Instead most of your post is about what you were trying to do (control) to get him to be happy and participate more.
I see, from the outside looking in, alot of controlling behaviors. So I would go back and replay the night and see that its not up to you to make someone else happy. Its not up to you to entertain ANYONE. If he didnt want to be there he would not have been there. Simple as that. Now it was his choice to be in a bad mood and not participate that means its HIS LOSE. Not yours. Especially when you look at it from a healthy view point.
Next time I would take this approach....He shows up for family night, be thankful that he is there. Then if his mood stinks go about YOUR night in YOUR own way and NOT worry about what kind of mood he is in.
I agree with outtolunch on this NOT being about addiction. This whole post screams codependence.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I first have to ask why are you trying so hard to make someone else happy?
Then I have to point out that asking him to leave but not really meaning it is passive-aggressive behavior. I bet you were angry when you didnt get the response of "no, no, I dont want to leave I love you and want to stay."
I bet that if you would have been present in the moment of having family night with your kids and doing stuff with your kids REGARDLESS of if he was having a good time, you wouldnt be frustrated today. Instead most of your post is about what you were trying to do (control) to get him to be happy and participate more.
I see, from the outside looking in, alot of controlling behaviors.
Next time I would take this approach....He shows up for family night, be thankful that he is there. Then if his mood stinks go about YOUR night in YOUR own way and NOT worry about what kind of mood he is in.
I agree with outtolunch on this NOT being about addiction. This whole post screams codependence.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Congrats to you for recognizing it as unhealthy behavior and wanting to change it. I think that probably is the hardest part of changing.
The way that I have found to not be so consumed with anothers behavior is to be consumed with me. Figuring out what makes me happy. Throwing myself into this forum makes me happy because I can reach out to others who are in the same boat I was in and found a paddle to get out. That makes me happy. Watching trashy TV makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. Those are the things that I focus on right now. Doing stuff for me.
I went a few weeks ago and got a pedicure after thinking about it for too long. That felt good. And it didnt matter what anyone else thought or was doing or wasnt doing or what their moods were. I was focused on myself.
I know that its hard but its not impossible. Using your family night as a scenerio I would again say that for that moment you could have thrown yourself into carving the BEST pumpkin for YOU. Tried a new design. Made it look different. And just be totally into making that the BEST DAMN pumpkin in town. Or making the best pizza you can. Looking in the fridge to add extras to the topping. And before you know you dont even realize what someone else is doing or feeling because your so wrapped up in doing for you.
Baby steps. As long as your willing you will get there.
The way that I have found to not be so consumed with anothers behavior is to be consumed with me. Figuring out what makes me happy. Throwing myself into this forum makes me happy because I can reach out to others who are in the same boat I was in and found a paddle to get out. That makes me happy. Watching trashy TV makes me happy. Reading makes me happy. Those are the things that I focus on right now. Doing stuff for me.
I went a few weeks ago and got a pedicure after thinking about it for too long. That felt good. And it didnt matter what anyone else thought or was doing or wasnt doing or what their moods were. I was focused on myself.
I know that its hard but its not impossible. Using your family night as a scenerio I would again say that for that moment you could have thrown yourself into carving the BEST pumpkin for YOU. Tried a new design. Made it look different. And just be totally into making that the BEST DAMN pumpkin in town. Or making the best pizza you can. Looking in the fridge to add extras to the topping. And before you know you dont even realize what someone else is doing or feeling because your so wrapped up in doing for you.
Baby steps. As long as your willing you will get there.
Formerly known as soconfused11
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
Watching trashy TV makes me happy
I definitely need to do more of what pleases me, but first I have to figure out exactly what that is, cuz I seem to have forgotten.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Do you like music? Reading? Tv shows? Knitting? Playing on the computer? Organizing your house? Tackling large projects?
Thats your assignment. Figure out what you like to do for you.
Sometimes I wash my face and then put make up on just to see what looks good or if I could do something different. Sometimes I paint my nails. Sometimes I look random stuff up on the internet. Sometimes I look through the want ads just see what other people are doing. Sometimes when I take the kids to the park I people watch.
Just to give you some ideas.
Thats your assignment. Figure out what you like to do for you.
Sometimes I wash my face and then put make up on just to see what looks good or if I could do something different. Sometimes I paint my nails. Sometimes I look random stuff up on the internet. Sometimes I look through the want ads just see what other people are doing. Sometimes when I take the kids to the park I people watch.
Just to give you some ideas.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 285
I am very new to this site and just starting on this journey of recovery. Reading your post, was a replay of so many scenarios in my family. After having to live through these times for so long with young wonderful children, he told me about an affair with a person that is the complete opposite of me. That was my wake up call. This is not about us doing something wrong, I gain strength from your post. Hang in there. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
This is my first post to this forum. Having been in a similar scenario for far too long, I have to say my heart goes out to you. But for me, I have to ask myself, is this worth it? Playing second fiddle or having my family be second fiddle to addictions? I'm detaching, and personally done with trying to make the family thing work with my AH. I pray I'm moving to the next stage like I think I am, but really, it is not enjoyable.
My AH who has refrained from drugs for a bit chose to go to the bar after working last Friday. I confronted him, something I have never done at a bar. And, he walked out of the place without a ride and walked a ways to get to his truck. I went and picked up my kids and we hit blockbuster and WE had a movie night. AH made it back home and had the guilt going on, was all lovey dovey to son, but it is bread crumbs. I am finally realizing that my life and my desired "family" life can no longer be on hold while I wait for AH to wake up and smell the coffee, which truthfully probably won't happen until we are apart. I'm the same way, I don't want to be apart, I don't want to break up my precious family, but I'm tired of bread crumbs. I think you can want something and still let it go. I don't see the point of fighting a losing battle together anymore. All it's served for me is to allow me to sink further into codependency and him into dependency. Meanwhile my precious kids get the short end of both sticks! So friggin sad.
Although being a newbie I found Cassandra's post to be harsh feeling, she is right on when she says we have to focus on ourselves...key, ourselves. We have to correct our wrong behavior and get well...we have no control over the other and they may or may not chose the right path. All we can do is focus on ourselves. I also am not sure I agree that your AH wanted to be there anymore than mine does when he tries to do the homelife thing. I know my AH is battling inside at those times, and probably somewhere in his head wants to be there a tiny tad, but the reality is he's usually not there, or at least is not wholly there. And I get so sick of the nastiness and the laying around and the disengagement. Why do they bother?
I have thought alot lately this: how can I make a healthy decision, i.e. separate, divorce, whatever else is left to choose, when I'm so unhealthy emotionally and spiritually? I have to somehow get myself healthy and I'm praying this stays my focus right now.
Sorry to ramble on your post...you are not alone. But you know, we deserve better...our kids deserve better. Take care.
My AH who has refrained from drugs for a bit chose to go to the bar after working last Friday. I confronted him, something I have never done at a bar. And, he walked out of the place without a ride and walked a ways to get to his truck. I went and picked up my kids and we hit blockbuster and WE had a movie night. AH made it back home and had the guilt going on, was all lovey dovey to son, but it is bread crumbs. I am finally realizing that my life and my desired "family" life can no longer be on hold while I wait for AH to wake up and smell the coffee, which truthfully probably won't happen until we are apart. I'm the same way, I don't want to be apart, I don't want to break up my precious family, but I'm tired of bread crumbs. I think you can want something and still let it go. I don't see the point of fighting a losing battle together anymore. All it's served for me is to allow me to sink further into codependency and him into dependency. Meanwhile my precious kids get the short end of both sticks! So friggin sad.
Although being a newbie I found Cassandra's post to be harsh feeling, she is right on when she says we have to focus on ourselves...key, ourselves. We have to correct our wrong behavior and get well...we have no control over the other and they may or may not chose the right path. All we can do is focus on ourselves. I also am not sure I agree that your AH wanted to be there anymore than mine does when he tries to do the homelife thing. I know my AH is battling inside at those times, and probably somewhere in his head wants to be there a tiny tad, but the reality is he's usually not there, or at least is not wholly there. And I get so sick of the nastiness and the laying around and the disengagement. Why do they bother?
I have thought alot lately this: how can I make a healthy decision, i.e. separate, divorce, whatever else is left to choose, when I'm so unhealthy emotionally and spiritually? I have to somehow get myself healthy and I'm praying this stays my focus right now.
Sorry to ramble on your post...you are not alone. But you know, we deserve better...our kids deserve better. Take care.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Originally Posted by cassandra2
Do you like music? Reading? Tv shows? Knitting? Playing on the computer? Organizing your house? Tackling large projects? .
LOL
seriously, I agree. Focus on you, and what you want. If you need to stay in this horrid (basically) relationship.... at least try to play what feels good for YOU instead.
Perhaps it will wake him up at least...
It always does for mine.
Love,
Cess
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I have been focusing on ME lately, a little at a time, until now it has become a lot more comfortable. I started out by getting together with girlfriends at least 2x a month.... for dinner or a couple glasses of wine...a movie...whatever. That has been really important to me and I allow nothing to get in the way. I also signed up to volunteer at an agency that I've wanted to work for a very, very long time. The time commitment for training has been significant, but I'm almost done. Nothing gets in the way of that either. The volunteering has been the best thing for me because for those 3 hours/night I am totally focused on helping others and it gets me out of my own head. It provides a balance to my life that I couldn't achieve otherwise. I feel (almost) complete even though I have my fair share of chaos going on.
Finding out what makes you 'complete' and then aggressively pursuing that interest will do amazing things for realizing your sense of self. I highly recommend it!
Finding out what makes you 'complete' and then aggressively pursuing that interest will do amazing things for realizing your sense of self. I highly recommend it!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
one thing that has been helpful to me, is to understand that everything the addict does, while in the throes of it, he does still retain, on some level. he will later (when he is sober) revisit those painful moments when he acted out of character and behaved in ways he is ashamed of.
i think this is helpful because it reminds me that he is the beautiful, caring person that i still love, but the addiction takes over. it is a monster. it helps me to remember, really know, that it is not me or my ways that send him over the edge, cause his bad mood, make him feel shame, etc. but it is the monster inside. and that he loves all of us every day, but when the addiction is active, he just can't feel it.
i think this is helpful because it reminds me that he is the beautiful, caring person that i still love, but the addiction takes over. it is a monster. it helps me to remember, really know, that it is not me or my ways that send him over the edge, cause his bad mood, make him feel shame, etc. but it is the monster inside. and that he loves all of us every day, but when the addiction is active, he just can't feel it.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
I get away from addiction by surrounding myself with folks who are doing the same thing... I go to Alanon meetings. And sometimes, I go to speaker meetings and sometimes to potlucks and picnics and campouts and three day retreats.
And no, my family doesn't like me being gone - but it isn't THAT much, and it is all about figuring out why I relate with others the way I do. It is all about self-discovery.
And a nice side-benefit... I am happier. My home life is happier. And nobody changes... but me.
((hugs))
And no, my family doesn't like me being gone - but it isn't THAT much, and it is all about figuring out why I relate with others the way I do. It is all about self-discovery.
And a nice side-benefit... I am happier. My home life is happier. And nobody changes... but me.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
So....
I know. I did it too for years. Frustrating as heck and I kept thinking it must be me. I was the one who wasn't happy but it must be my fault that things were so nuts. Or maybe things weren't nuts, just that there was no pleasing me. Truth? I was trying to control what was happening in my life instead of letting go and figuring out what I needed to make me happy.
It is so disheartening to know what you want things to be an feel like and then to feel like no matter what you do it doesn't work. Go easy on you and find small things that make you feel good. And from someone who didn't follow this advice for a long, long time.... don't worry about how he's feeling. He's not. Find what makes you happy... I know easier said than done... and follow it.
Coming here for support was huge for me. Thanks to everyone! Keep coming back.
I know. I did it too for years. Frustrating as heck and I kept thinking it must be me. I was the one who wasn't happy but it must be my fault that things were so nuts. Or maybe things weren't nuts, just that there was no pleasing me. Truth? I was trying to control what was happening in my life instead of letting go and figuring out what I needed to make me happy.
It is so disheartening to know what you want things to be an feel like and then to feel like no matter what you do it doesn't work. Go easy on you and find small things that make you feel good. And from someone who didn't follow this advice for a long, long time.... don't worry about how he's feeling. He's not. Find what makes you happy... I know easier said than done... and follow it.
Coming here for support was huge for me. Thanks to everyone! Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I remember doing the exact same things you've described in your post.
I was so consumed with making things "right". I was hell bent on creating the type of family and home-life that I wanted for my son.
Nothing I did worked, of course, because my husband was an addict.
Things didn't get better until I accepted teh situation for what it was and admitted to myself how incredibly powerless I was to change things where he was concerned.
Once I stopped including him and his happiness in the equation and started doing things solely for the benefit of me and our son, my life improved dramatically.
Your husband is an addict.
If he isn't out using or chasing the next high, he's going to be miserable.
You could be mother teresa, pamela anderson, june cleaver, and wonder woman all rolled into one and you wouldn't be enough. Not to an addict.
This is not about you or where you're failing to measure up.
Its about the fact that you're trying to put out a forest fire with a cup of water.
Rediscover what makes you tick apart from him and put your energies there.
You've taken a big step in the right direction by just recognizing the sitatuion for what it is...unhealthy.
Keep going!
You can make things better no matter what your husband might do.
I was so consumed with making things "right". I was hell bent on creating the type of family and home-life that I wanted for my son.
Nothing I did worked, of course, because my husband was an addict.
Things didn't get better until I accepted teh situation for what it was and admitted to myself how incredibly powerless I was to change things where he was concerned.
Once I stopped including him and his happiness in the equation and started doing things solely for the benefit of me and our son, my life improved dramatically.
Your husband is an addict.
If he isn't out using or chasing the next high, he's going to be miserable.
You could be mother teresa, pamela anderson, june cleaver, and wonder woman all rolled into one and you wouldn't be enough. Not to an addict.
This is not about you or where you're failing to measure up.
Its about the fact that you're trying to put out a forest fire with a cup of water.
Rediscover what makes you tick apart from him and put your energies there.
You've taken a big step in the right direction by just recognizing the sitatuion for what it is...unhealthy.
Keep going!
You can make things better no matter what your husband might do.
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