Want to be a Break-up Buddy? (BB)

Old 10-28-2009, 06:02 PM
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Want to be a Break-up Buddy? (BB)

Have you left your alcoholic? Do you want to? Are you in the middle of a divorce? A separation? Are you still reeling from the effects of your breakup? Would you like to take a hammer and smash a sensitive body part on your Alcoholic? (OK well never mind about that last one. )

If you're in this boat, you need a Break-up Buddy. A BB. Or you need lots of BBs.

If you want support or resolve to continue with your breakup, shout out to your BB here. I'll be one! I hope lots of you will join me! We'll be here for a good cry on our shoulder or a timely "you're better off without the jackass" talk, or to suggest a way to push past an obstacle on your way to a life free from the relationship or even just make a book recommendation.

Not everybody wants a breakup, nor should they. But if you're committed to a break-up, if you've been ditched without your consent, then join us. It would be great to have a separate board but it's not needed - if you need some support for your breakup, just put something about a BB in your subject line.

I hope that's OK and I'm not stepping on any toes here. I just think it would be really great to have support for those of us who are committed to seeking our freedom.

An added benefit - shoe shopping will be encouraged.
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Old 10-28-2009, 06:24 PM
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Bb

I will join. I fired my XABF a little over a month ago. Some days I feel lonely and self doubt creeps in but then I play with my dogs and life seems better. I have started journaling again and that has been a great help. Staying busy got me through last weekend. I painted my office shades of purple just because I can...home improvement is my version of shoe shopping.
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Old 10-28-2009, 06:31 PM
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Redux, you are adorable! Thanks for the giggle. My heart really needed it tonight.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:10 PM
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Thumbs up

I'll join. AH is divorcing me, because it seems like a better idea to start a new relationship with one of my "friends." I am slowly getting over it. But yes to the body parts thing. And I kind of want to punch her in the face too.
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Old 10-28-2009, 07:21 PM
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Count me in.
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Old 10-28-2009, 08:04 PM
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I'm trying to get a divorce. If his attorney (possibly the slowest attorney on the planet) would get the papers ready it will be done. Now to get him OUT of my house. The man will not leave the house or leave me alone. I'm actually selling the house or I doubt he'd ever be truly gone, divorced or not.
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Old 10-28-2009, 08:10 PM
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I'm in too! This is the strangest, hardest breakup I've ever been though. So many conflicting feelings. When you add the alcohol into the relationship mix, it can really mess with your head! I've never had a relationship end in such a dramatic, immature way. After 6 weeks I'm still really going through a lot of grief - I don't fully understand my xabf's behavior. I mean, I understand it intellectually, but not emotionally. How could someone who was so in love with me and committed to our life together just walk out the door one day just to protect his drinking habit? I know, I know, I've read the stickies. But it's still so hard to accept. Ugh.
So thanks for this thread. And please, don't encourage too much shoe shopping! I already have enough of a problem!
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Old 10-29-2009, 01:45 AM
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Can I join in? I'm separated for a year now and am just waiting for the divorce papers to be finalised before I can take the STB out of STBXAH. Am I too far gone???
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Old 10-29-2009, 02:05 AM
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i have just broken up with my partner after 13 years she was not really a drinker but drank now and again,a massive drinking binge brought every thing to a head though, now i dont drink some one with bottles of jack d,wine in thr fridge and cans of cider with that dew running down them was not a good place for me to be

she was very controlling and jealous i just cant put up with that anymore i need an easy life,i'm not interested in meeting any one the very thought of starting a relationship or sleeping with someone again is not a nice one ,i guess i'm just not ready to expose my soft under belly to anyone yet

my 20 year old daughter has mental health problems and got a false positive HIV test which freaked her out ,she went AWOL; from the US army and flew to the UK ,we had another test done which came back negitive ,and the mental health people have sorted her out she flies back today to the US probably to go to an army prison

life sucks at the moment

thank god i dont drink i think i would drink myself to death today id i did

ok break up buddies ,name that tune
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Old 10-29-2009, 05:17 AM
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Count me in! We're separated, not filing for divorce yet, but I see that as the eventual outcome.
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Old 10-29-2009, 05:39 AM
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This is GREAT!
REDUX you should consider a career in advertising. And Lahita, this
Some days I feel lonely and self doubt creeps in but then I play with my dogs and life seems better.
is hilarious! "Yeah, sometimes I miss him, but then I play with my dogs and don't." It's so understated and dismissive.

I"m separated from AH, we've left each other multiple times, this last time he "left" me after an affair, living with the b**** down the street, I took him back, he wouldn't stop talking to her, drinking, late night drunken verbal abuse and drinking our house into foreclosure. I had rented this sweet little house for all of us to live in but about 4 days later I caught him drunk texting the bimbo again so I said I was moving here alone with the kids.

But, somehow, he still left me. Still keeps saying, "I can't live with you because..." I'm too messy, controlling, change my mind a lot and he doesn't agree with my lifestyle.

But up until a few weeks ago we still slept together, he called me on every break from work, everything, just like we were still married. In one month of being separated I caught him communicating with the bimbo AND signing up for four dating sites.

No Contact has given me immense freedom and peace of mind. For me, letting go of contact with him was scary, but I realized it was an old fear, like a habit. I don't want to know what he's doing. He doesn't give a rats a** about me, my day, my work. It's all about him. Except he can look like it's not, like he's a nice, understanding, wonderful guy. but he ain't, really, not to me at least.

Now I just need a job. I work part time for a non profit and also freelance, so my main focus is on getting more money. lots of folks dont' agree with this, but at this point, financial independance will fix all of my problems.

I still have to untangle from him emotionally at times, we swap the kids regularly and communicate about school, the health of my youngest son and other things but it's getting easier to be pleasant and detached. It's my choice and makes me feel excited for the future.

But--I'm sure I will come here some times angry or sad. The good news is I know how to grieve him. I did it last summer when he was living down the street with the piece of garbage he ran off with from work, after I busted him having the affair.

I still have to go back to our house (where he's living) and remove a majority of my things. That will be a lot of work and difficult, but I sort of feel like I can do anything after all of this. Besides, if I just play with my dog, he doesn't matter...
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Old 10-29-2009, 07:48 AM
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Me! Me! Oh pick me!!

Right here, right now, I'm in the middle of what is shaping up to be a messy breakup/separation/divorce. I DEFINITELY need a BB or two or three...

I received yet another morning request for a separation agreement. My STBX "expects" that he'll be signing it tonight. HA! I expect not to come home tonight.

I've got 2 more days before I leave. Won't I be relieved when I don't have to deal with manipulative, demanding and angry STBX...Um, wait, we have a child together and I'll have to deal with him for life.

I'm doing my best not to get involved emotionally, not to focus on him and his quacking, but when I hear that my baby girl has been crying a lot at daycare, and that she's generally very difficult, my heard breaks.
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:21 AM
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That's great - glad so many are on board!

This book I'm reading "It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken" (which by the way is hilarious, fun to read and gives you a great perspective) says that you should definitely have a BB if you're going through this. The best way to do it is to have a BB that is also going through it because you hate to keep bugging your happily married friends with your misery.

I think this will be great!

BBs Unite!
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:25 AM
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imtheidiot, permit me to be a supportive BB about one thing in your post. If your child is small enough to be in daycare and not school, I wouldn't worry too much about the impact of a separation or divorce on him/her. Not that it WON'T affect them at all, but I have read and have noticed with my own 5-year-old that they are pretty resilient little buggers at that age. And if there was any abuse/drama in your relationship, your child will probably thrive once he or she is in a safer, less chaotic home.
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:30 PM
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Count me in, I'm committed. Well about 85%. I'm scared about the financial side of this.

I have no where to go even if I did have the guts to leave. I don't make enough $ to support myself & my boys. My family lives in another state. I've gone over this 1000 times in my head and I can't figure out how I will ever be free of him. How does a woman with thousands of dollars worth of debt, a job that I love but won't support me on my own and 2 small boys move out of her house? Where does the money for food, rent, car payments, insurance, gas and childcare come from? I honestly don't know.

What I do know with certainty is if we don't live separately during this process then we will end up together again. That's exactly what happened last year. He does NOT want a divorce and is doing everything within his power to keep me here. He's sober (currently), he's bringing in income (we can pay the bills this month) and he's being an attentive father. He's making many attempts to be an attentive partner. Roses & lilies were delivered to my work last Friday with a little note about how he hoped I didn't mind if he slipped these (flowers) past my boundaries.

My "boundaries" have become the little joke between us. He continually hits on me, sends me emails, texts, comments on FB about how attractive (etc) he thinks I am. I have asked him to stop.... and I do mean it, I want him to stop. But there is an unhealthy part of me that tells myself it would just be easier if I stay with him. I love him, I do.

I need to part of the BB system because I'm worried that I might not be strong enough to go, and the part of me that want's to be healthy knows I need to go.
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:58 PM
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I'm in! Husband (soon to be wasband) has chosen alcohol over me and 4 great kids....finally can say "good riddance" and it will turn out to be the nicest thing he's ever done for me.

Know it in my head, but my heart (after 28 years) sometimes gets the best of me...so I still need the reminders from friends here.

So here's to us! and getting to the other side together!
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Old 11-24-2009, 07:53 AM
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I just broke up with my alcoholic fiance and could use a BB.
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:00 AM
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I'm in.

Like Lahita, I fired my exABF a few days ago (love this way of putting it) and while it's been hard, the journey gets easier, knowing there's lots of love and support here at SR, from new friends in Al-anon and from my family.

Unlike exABF who is living in "splendid isolation" and who wanted me to do the same, having friends and family makes a hard road a lot less lonely to travel down.

As for the shoe shopping-in my case, change that to book shopping. I'll need help though-no more books on addiction - I have enough as it is-perhaps a good ripping romance would be in order....LOL
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Old 11-24-2009, 08:28 AM
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Since some of us have dogs and can relate and all of us here are in various stages of a breakup and we all need something to make us smile, I'd like to share this wonderful email I got today:

"Great Advice"
If a dog was the teacher you would learn stuff like:

**When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
**Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
**Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
**When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
**Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
**Take naps.
**Stretch before rising.
**Run, romp, and play daily.
**Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
**Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
**On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass.
**On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
**When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
**No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout .. Run right back and make friends.
**Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
**Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
**Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
**If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
**When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
**And never trust anyone until you have sniffed their butt.
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Old 11-24-2009, 10:03 AM
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I think we can count me in.. had my first lawyer's appointment yesterday to start the separation. I thought my AH was ready and accepting this result, but as soon as I started emailing him about dividing our debts and paying our way and developing our sep agreement vs having to take it to court, he seemed taken aback like he couldn't believe I was actually going through with it!

I think the only time I waiver in my feelings for him is when he is sleeping peacefully. I just want to crawl over to him and cuddle, because when he is sleeping he can't be mean or hurtful to anyone, so he looks like the man I thought I was with. He seems innocent and vulnerable just like I feel. Then when he snores and stuff I don't want it anymore haha.


But this is hard, I want to cry approximately 50 times throughout the day, luckily I can fight it off pretty well, a few tears and then back to normal. I wrote in another thread I have to put on rap music or something in order to keep my stride in the car ... if I hear something sappy I turn into a wreck.

On my way to work this morning they played that song "I'm ready to sign the papers" no clue who sings it but it's R&B and about divorce. I thought that was appropriate.. haha. Except I have no papers to sign yet.

I just go back and forth between hating him and thinking of him as the biggest jerk (he is making this very hard for me) to feeling sad and sorry for him and wondering if I'm doing the right thing, when he talks to me calmly or sadly. UG. I keep having to remember certain things he's said to me, to make me angry again so I don't feel sorry.
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