What have I done to feel this awful and this empty?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 31
What have I done to feel this awful and this empty?
My A/BF and I have been apart for a few days now. I told him last week I would leave him but then we got back together. After a couple days of him continuing to be insensitive and mean (still drinking) I told him again that I couldnt put up with it anymore. I got mean, but as much as this sounds bad - I had every damn right to say the things I said to him. I called him a dissapointment and told him I deserved better than him. I cried and put everything I had into that argument. He just stared at me and then replied with an argument that made me feel bad for saying those things about him. We didnt talk for a couple days and I told him that he must go to treatment or at LEAST AA. If he refuses to do that - then I refuse to let him put his addiction before me. He asked for a couple days and I said ok. So I am staying with a really close friend for a few days.
He called me last night. I was a little annoyed bc he asked for space and then he calls me to "check up." He mentioned that he was out with one of his friends who is known for only coming around when a trip to the bar is involved. Oh - and he sold his Xbox 360 Elite, which he paid about $500 for a few months ago. He told me he needed it for gas which is true - but as to why he would sell it .... doesnt make sense - he knew there were people he could get rides from and he gets paid in 3 days. The fact that he sold his beloved game system just put up red flags. He would only get $100 or so at the most for it. That and if he was out with that friend, Im sure he was drinking the rest of the money away. If I was that broke and had no gas - i would just stay home for a few days til I get paid - rather than sell something that I wouldnt get much money off of based on what I paid for it. He did this last year before we broke up the first time. He had an Xbox then too that he sold to get drinking money.
This morning I get a text from him that he loves me. I said the same and said I missed home. He replied with "Well you can come home whenever you want and I will step out for awhile." He didnt get it. I didnt mean I miss the damn house. I miss the idea of "home" being somewhere safe and happy with my dogs and rabbit. Not being scared of what will happen the next day and having somebody there who loves me. He just didnt get it. I didnt have the time to explain it to him and I'm sure he wouldnt have cared anyway if I said it.
I talked to his friend last night for about an hour - this is one of his good friends. His friend was so angry about how my A/bf had been acting and told me I didnt deserve the way I was being treated. He said he would smack him accross the face if he was in the state and tell my bf how stupid he was being. He told me that I didnt do anything wrong. Im just the victim in the situation - and I probably would hurt from all this. He said the same thing many of you have told me. If my bf refuses to stop drinking for us -then that means I was NEVER more important than the bottle and that the last 2 years was a waste of my time.
How awful. I have been sitting at work all morning - holding back tears and trying to figure out what the hell I did to deserve this. A good friend of mine told me to go home and read the Shack bc God has bigger plans for me than I am seeing. The pain is just so unbearable anymore. I hurt more than I have in my life and I dont think he really hurts at all - that or he is doing a good job of hiding it.I know I did nothign to deserve this and its his fault...butbeing able to blame something still doesnt make the pain go away.
We are meeting up on saturday to talk about things and see what will happen. I guess when it comes down to it the only thing that matters is whether or not he will go to treatment. Otherwise anything else he says is BS and I am going to have to leave.
Im not suicidal for sure. But lately I feel so empty that the idea of not being here anymore doesnt seem so bad. Its just a random thought...I would never take any action and am not seriously thinking that... but how low can you get? being tore into pieces by somebody you love so much - and they just dont seem bothered by it at all.
He called me last night. I was a little annoyed bc he asked for space and then he calls me to "check up." He mentioned that he was out with one of his friends who is known for only coming around when a trip to the bar is involved. Oh - and he sold his Xbox 360 Elite, which he paid about $500 for a few months ago. He told me he needed it for gas which is true - but as to why he would sell it .... doesnt make sense - he knew there were people he could get rides from and he gets paid in 3 days. The fact that he sold his beloved game system just put up red flags. He would only get $100 or so at the most for it. That and if he was out with that friend, Im sure he was drinking the rest of the money away. If I was that broke and had no gas - i would just stay home for a few days til I get paid - rather than sell something that I wouldnt get much money off of based on what I paid for it. He did this last year before we broke up the first time. He had an Xbox then too that he sold to get drinking money.
This morning I get a text from him that he loves me. I said the same and said I missed home. He replied with "Well you can come home whenever you want and I will step out for awhile." He didnt get it. I didnt mean I miss the damn house. I miss the idea of "home" being somewhere safe and happy with my dogs and rabbit. Not being scared of what will happen the next day and having somebody there who loves me. He just didnt get it. I didnt have the time to explain it to him and I'm sure he wouldnt have cared anyway if I said it.
I talked to his friend last night for about an hour - this is one of his good friends. His friend was so angry about how my A/bf had been acting and told me I didnt deserve the way I was being treated. He said he would smack him accross the face if he was in the state and tell my bf how stupid he was being. He told me that I didnt do anything wrong. Im just the victim in the situation - and I probably would hurt from all this. He said the same thing many of you have told me. If my bf refuses to stop drinking for us -then that means I was NEVER more important than the bottle and that the last 2 years was a waste of my time.
How awful. I have been sitting at work all morning - holding back tears and trying to figure out what the hell I did to deserve this. A good friend of mine told me to go home and read the Shack bc God has bigger plans for me than I am seeing. The pain is just so unbearable anymore. I hurt more than I have in my life and I dont think he really hurts at all - that or he is doing a good job of hiding it.I know I did nothign to deserve this and its his fault...butbeing able to blame something still doesnt make the pain go away.
We are meeting up on saturday to talk about things and see what will happen. I guess when it comes down to it the only thing that matters is whether or not he will go to treatment. Otherwise anything else he says is BS and I am going to have to leave.
Im not suicidal for sure. But lately I feel so empty that the idea of not being here anymore doesnt seem so bad. Its just a random thought...I would never take any action and am not seriously thinking that... but how low can you get? being tore into pieces by somebody you love so much - and they just dont seem bothered by it at all.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by Cucumber2Pickle;2413618IQUOTE
but how low can you get? being tore into pieces by somebody you love so much - and they just dont seem bothered by it at all.
You're offering yourself up as a victim here.
Do you really want to keep doing that?
Go no contact for an extended period, feel what you need to feel, and I can guarantee you that you will feel better about yourself after a period of time.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
but being able to blame something still doesnt make the pain go away.
I totally agree.
It wasn't until I went to a therapist and started asking the questions to figure out what MY responsibility was for the end of my marriage that I got better.
Even if it was very, very easy to point out all my exH's faults and all his crazy behavior, I realized I had to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror. I had to accept 100% responsibility for 50% of the problems in my marriage!
This led me to an exploration of my self - of what I wanted, and what I was attracted to, and who I attracted. It led to an understanding of myself that helped me to change and become more of the person I WANT to be.
I accepted that I have a choice, each day, in how to live my life and who to allow into my life.
The more I discovered myself, the less lonely I was, even though alone, and the less I hurt.
Who am I?
What do I want in my one precious life?
How did I get here, and not there?
These were some of the questions I brought to therapy. Tough questions, but very illuminating to answer!
peace,
b
I totally agree.
It wasn't until I went to a therapist and started asking the questions to figure out what MY responsibility was for the end of my marriage that I got better.
Even if it was very, very easy to point out all my exH's faults and all his crazy behavior, I realized I had to put down the magnifying glass and look in the mirror. I had to accept 100% responsibility for 50% of the problems in my marriage!
This led me to an exploration of my self - of what I wanted, and what I was attracted to, and who I attracted. It led to an understanding of myself that helped me to change and become more of the person I WANT to be.
I accepted that I have a choice, each day, in how to live my life and who to allow into my life.
The more I discovered myself, the less lonely I was, even though alone, and the less I hurt.
Who am I?
What do I want in my one precious life?
How did I get here, and not there?
These were some of the questions I brought to therapy. Tough questions, but very illuminating to answer!
peace,
b
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I'm sorry you are hurting C2P
He is addicted to alcohol. Do you feel like you are addicted to him?
I think in your heart you are ready to give up your front row seat to his alcoholic drama, but your head keeps trying to find reasons to stay in the front row seat and keep watching the same show over and over?
Give yourself some time away from the drama. Be gentle with yourself.
Have you read on SR about the hardware store yet? I was thinking about that analogy when I read your post. You have been talking to him about your relationship, your concerns about his drinking, your need to be respected and other rational, legitimate expressions of your feelings. In return, you are getting manipulation, lies and denial.
It's like going to the hardware store and asking for a fresh loaf of bread - you come away empty.
He is addicted to alcohol. Do you feel like you are addicted to him?
I think in your heart you are ready to give up your front row seat to his alcoholic drama, but your head keeps trying to find reasons to stay in the front row seat and keep watching the same show over and over?
Give yourself some time away from the drama. Be gentle with yourself.
Have you read on SR about the hardware store yet? I was thinking about that analogy when I read your post. You have been talking to him about your relationship, your concerns about his drinking, your need to be respected and other rational, legitimate expressions of your feelings. In return, you are getting manipulation, lies and denial.
It's like going to the hardware store and asking for a fresh loaf of bread - you come away empty.
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