intheknow

I haven't posted for a while, seems that life has me caught up. My daughter and I went and visited a college in Kansas today, my son has had so many things going on with football, my middle daughter has been home, we had a family wedding, I had a regional meeting at work...

So I haven't really had alot of time to focus on me. I also haven't had alot of time to focus on AH and how his recovery is going. I am dead tired tonite, so why is my brain choosing now to focus on things?

Some things I need to figure out and focus on:

1. AH left my house Sunday very upset. He claims that he is feeling things for the first time in a long time, and I am not open to his attempts at being close to me. I keep pushing him away when he tries to hug or kiss me. I hurt his feelings, and he did not want to upset the kids by letting them see him so upset.

How do I deal with my feelings of apathy towards him? I have no desire to hug or kiss him. I don't tell him I miss him or love him right now, because I want to feel these things before I just give it away. He doesn't understand this. I saw him cry twice this night - and have seen him cry twice before during our entire married life of 20 years.

Is this my sign? I guess I have been waiting to make a decision about the future of my marriage until I knew what I feel and what I want. But, the feelings aren't here for me.

2. AH asked me Sunday nite what I wanted deep down. Where I thought our relationship was headed. He just wants me to tell him something. I think I am not sure, but a big voice in my head wanted to scream it's over when he asked. I said nothing to him.

Is this my sign? Do these feelings change? I don't want to end things if I am not sure, but I don't want the relationship I had before.

3. I have spent alot of time by myself lately, and find that I don't think about him or miss him when I am gone. After my meeting out of town, I really dreaded coming back to my house because I knew he was here with the kids, and as soon as I got here I wanted to cry. He left and went to his house.

Is this my sign? I felt great the whole time I was gone and did not think about him at all, but as soon as I was around him again, I fell apart.

4. Al-Anon meetings are going well, and I start individual counseling tomorrow. I can't wait to find out who I really am and what makes me really happy. I have been married for so long, and have put the needs of AH and our four kids first for so many years that I think I forgot who I am and what makes me happy.

I have started to visualize another life where I am happy - sometimes I see a job in another city, I see myself looking and acting different in my visualizations. Is this my sign? Have I had enough of this life and want another?

5. My entire married life I have always had serious problems with my in-laws. I married her baby boy. I have competed with her for his attention (she can have it right now!), I have been gossiped about, lied to, manipulated, and been treated very poorly by this woman.

I told AH yesterday that there are still some serious issues happening since he came home, and I am unhappy about what is going on. I told him I still have the same problems as I was having before he left and went to treatment.

I am not even going to ask if this is my sign. I know the situation with her is never going to change, and he even talked to her again yesterday about backing off and about how he really does have a serious problem and wants her to realize that.

It's just not going to change. And I need it to change to be happy in the future.

6. I am truthfully afraid of AH. Not afraid of physical abuse, just afraid of trusting him. I am afraid to enter into a relationship with him again because I have seen this thing crash and burn so many times before. I know that he is being very sweet and trying to give me what I want - - but I am afraid that he is eventually going to decide it's just too hard to live this way and go back to the same old crap.

In the past he was not a communicator. He was argumentative and mean. He manipulated situations until he got what he wanted. He had no friends. He did not play nice with others, or say nice things about others. He did not compliment me or say nice things to me. He rarely said please or thank you. He did not show affection - hugs, kisses, touching. He went straight for his own sexual gratification if he did show affection, and if this included compliments it could have been written into a porno. He rarely wanted to go anywhere or do anything with me. Little by little we just kind of did our own things until I realized about a year ago that pretty much do nothing together anymore.

Is this my sign? This fear that I have of the past? Can people really change this much in the short time they were in rehab?

Dissect me please. I need help and this is too much for me to handle all on my own right now.

Details to consider...we have been separated for 6 weeks now. He lives in another house we own, I live in the family home. I cannot afford this home by myself if we divorce. I can afford the one he lives in.

We have four kids - two adult children out of the home, two children still at home. Grandbaby #1 on the way.

He has a very good job, I have a good job. We won't have to make any huge life changes and plan to continue our current employment.

He has cheated in the past, and has come clean about what happened in rehab. He is not currently cheating. I have not cheated, and do not plan to. I just want this to be a clean break - one that does not involve other parties.

intheknow

Oh, and on a humorous note...he told me Sunday night that he was seeing some bad signs from me...

1. I said I would call two different times, and didn't call. The second time the only thing I said was..."I just didn't want to." He saw that as a bad sign.

2. I asked him where he was when I was out of town, and when he told me that he was at my house, I responded in a not very nice voice.

3. When he told me he was going back to work, the only thing I said was "Glad you are making money again." I was supposed to tell him I was happy for him, or something. I thought my response was rather honest. He hasn't had a paycheck in a month and I am stretching the bank account a little thin here.

Apparently, my two days worth of bad behaviors equal his twenty years worth of bad behaviors. Ironic, huh?

wanting

I think I'd give it more time without making a decision. All your feelings are pointing to it being over, but you don't seem entirely sure. Are you in marriage counseling?

wanting

Heh, yeah Mel, what you did is totally as bad of 20 years of alcoholism and cheating.

intheknow

Yeah, that's what I thought to. Waiting all nite for a phone call is certainly the same as waiting all night for the a**hole to come home.

No marriage counseling yet. I need to figure out me, and he needs to figure out him. Then we can decide if there is a WE or not.

bookwyrm

I think you just answered your own question. You have some decisions to make that you need to think about - you can't decide something like this overnight - though your post is saying that it is over right now. Do you think that will change? How? Remember, you can only control you in this situation. I hope your counselling session helps bring you clarity and strength! :ghug3

Redux

Mellane I think you have hit the wall. You've gone from unhappy to apathetic. That is a GREAT thing. Everything you've written sounds like he has finally managed to kill off all of the love that you have for him. Everything you've written is a very very good sign that your personal strength is returning, that while you may feel like a mess, everything you've written shows that you are over the worst part of your life and ready to make a new, wonderful exciting life. I don't know you at all and haven't read your posts before but I fwish I could reach through the screen and give you this huge giant hug and say "CONGRATULATIONS!" And then take you shoe shopping because we've figured out in another thread that shoes really are an amazing antidote for a broken heart.

It seems your feelings have turned from love to apathy. Believe me - apathy is a whole lot less painful than that sick feeling of "but I love him and he doesn't love me and he's off with some gorgeous babe having the time of his life and I'm left here broken hearted and unable to get up and take a shower". It's really hard to recover from apathy. Look in your past - ever had an old boyfriend who you finally got to the point of just saying "whatever" and not wanting to be around him? You're at that "whatever stage" and that is a GOOD thing. It makes it easier for you to leave. I had a boyfriend of 8 years during college and later, and once I "hit the wall" the only thing I had left was the dread of breaking it off and the guilt about having to deal with him. I didn't want to talk to him or even have him around. I was over him. You are over your AH and that is a very healthy place for you to be. And pretty dam*ed convenient too! (Not for him - for you.)

Mellane he killed this relationship. It is great that he went to rehab but he went too late to save you. He may not have driven drunk and killed anyone, he may not have killed anyone by getting angry and beating them up, but his alcoholism killed your relatioionship. That is why you feel so much apathy towards him. There is no relationship left because he killed it.

Can it be rekindled? Only if you really REALLY want that. It sounds like you're not interested in that. Your mistrust of him is a defense mechanism your body is putting out. Your brain is telling you "danger" and you need to listen to it. Yes people can change but frankly, it sounds a bit like he HAS changed since the rehab but you still dont want him around. You can't guilt yourself into loving someone and having a good relationship. You can't "should" yourself into a good relationship when so much in your emotions is lacking.

I'm so happy to hear about your financial independence. That is WONDERFUL and it is one more thing that makes your life easy. Take the smaller house if it's OK with your children. If not, make him continue to assist paying for the larger house until your kids are out of high school and then agree to sell them both so you can both start over.

It would be great if you could sell what you have now and get something new - so many amazing deals in the Real Estate market right now and having a new nest that you can build all for yourself is amazing therapy.

Mellane I know you're feeling shaky about this and scared but you asked if these things were your sign. As Bill Engvall says it so well, "There's your sign!"

Hope you have a wonderful blessed day with lots of energy for the new you!

L

whereisthisgoin

Thanks for your post. I wish you lots of continued strength!

intheknow

I keep hearing him say things like...this is the first time I have had feelings in so long. I feel so good inside and I want to share that with you. I feel like I did when we were first dating, I just want to hug you and kiss you and touch you and be by you.

I begged for years for something deeper in our relationship. I asked repeatedly for affection in a non-sexual way. I asked to talk about feelings and emotions. I wanted to go to marriage counseling to try to figure this all out. We went. Five times. I found out things in marriage counseling that shocked me. These things would have made me question my marriage to him had I known it before I married him...like when he told the last one "I was a cocaine addict." WTF? Seriously? When?

I saw myself go from begging to threatening to manipulating to where I am today. I just don't care. I can tell you the exact day it happened. Last spring, I had a serious accident where I broke my foot, my arm, and my ankle. I was in a wheelchair for 10 weeks until my arm healed enough to use crutches. I didn't want to call him on the way to the hospital. Once we got there I still did not call. I waited until we found out how serious it was - then I called. "Oh, you are keeping me overnight? I am going into surgery? I will have to be in a wheelchair? I better call then."

He took care of me for a little while, helping me shower and wash my hair. Helping me to get food and try to maneuver around the house. He had to get my clothes (downstairs in the house) and help me get dressed (try to pull up your underwear or hook your bra with left arm broken and in a wrist to shoulder cast and right leg in a cast from knee down.) In order not to be a pain, I just asked for help every other day if I could go that long.

And then one day it all changed. I needed to get in the shower when he got home from work, and needed help. He had been at work talking about my accident with his co-workers - and they told him they wouldn't be doing the things he had done for me.

So he quit. And I quit. All in the same day.

And **** went downhill ever since.

Pelican

Thanks for checking in and letting us know how you are doing. I'm glad you are still taking steps to care for yourself. Alanon and counseling are wonderful ways to focus on your needs.

One of my most used tools from Alanon is patience. I was accustomed to reacting to life while living with an active alcoholic. I was living my life in anticipation of the next crisis. Learning to be patient has been a struggle but a blessing when I am able to practice patience.

It is self love that motivates me to give myself time to make decisions. I love myself, I trust myself to make healthy decisions for my life. I can love myself enough to forgive my own mistakes too.

I hope you find love, trust and acceptance of yourself in your recovery. You are worth the time and effort!

Thumper

Your post reminded me a lot of my situation as well. I don't have any advice. Just chiming in to lend some cyber support - and read all the responses.

Everything seems so hard sometimes. Not that I expect life to be easy, I just want to get some joy along with the hard and sometimes it seems that no decision or action will bring that back.

ANEWAUGUST

Mellane....

Hugs to you...what a roller coaster of emotions to be experiencing.

My first thought here, it is too soon in his recovery for him to know what all he is feeling, and where it is going. His soberiety has to be a priority, with or without you
as his wife. He has to get to that point. There is no magic wand that once waved,
makes the alcohol go away and life sunshine and roses.

Keep on doing what you need for your recovery. Journal these feelings, these signs..and
remind yourself and him, that you all need time...t-things, I, m-ust, e-arn.

You have the right to your feelings and reactions right now..he is having to deal with all of this, in the here and now, rather then numbed by alcohol for the first time in many
years.

trapeze

Hi Mellane, good to see you back on SR. I have been thinking about you.

I have no advice, other than be kind to yourself. Make your decisions on your schedule based on what you want.

ItsmeAlice

Through my relationship with my XABF I was always jumping through hoops it seemed. It should never have been a surprise that when he decided to stop drinking for a short while, he expected me to be loving, kind, and trusting of him when his binge drinking prior to that had all but destroyed those feelings in me.

When he tried to quit smoking, he told me I had to be patient and understanding of his grumpiness because he couldn't get his nicotine fix. When I quit smoking, he told me I had better not get grumpy with him because it was my choice not to smoke.

My dear Mellane,
His expectations of what you should be feeling or doing and his opinion on how you should be moving through your recovery are all his own problem. Trust, love, and kindness, in my opinion are granted easily at the start of a relationship, but when they are destroyed by someone that person has no right to expect or even ask that they be granted again. If they are, it is by their deserving actions over long period of time.

It sounds to me like your RAH is still living in a quick fix mindset. He has gone down the road of recovery and expects that to be a quick fix to his troubles. Since any recovery is a lifetime endeavor, he's not getting the results he expected so now you are the one that has to change and change right now to fix his troubles. Phooey on that!

You will feel what you feel in your own time. If he cannot wait then he can leave. If you never feel the same feelings for him again, then you can move on. Don't pressure yourself and don't let him pressure you either.

I wish you the best!

Alice

intheknow

You are all such truly amazing people and I have missed you in the last couple of weeks.

Went to counseling today for the first time ever by myself. Wow. I am not nearly the mess he made me out to be. I have issues, yes, but not nearly the bitchy, hot mess that I thought I was.

When I tried to describe the hole he leaves in my soul, she said..."Is it like someone is sucking the life out of you?" Holy crap. That is exactly what it is like! I love feeling like it now has a cause, and a purpose. This great big hole has an explanation, and it is not my fault at all. It is just my fault that I have allowed it for so long.

He tried the other nite to get me to stick to that timeline that is in his head - you know the one where I have to have a decision made by November 1st at 12:01am and 0 seconds...well he can take that mindset and walk right out my door. I feel stronger, I feel better and I finally feel like I am going to figure out what my needs are.

Funny how a little self help - this forum especially - and counseling can do wonders.

I am going to be ok after all.

Bonkers

Wow! I am going thru the same thing!!! Not sure if I should leave or stay, although I strongly believe I need to leave. A friend suggested I read the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay." It was really helpful in my finding inner peace with my decision. However, when I announced that I was done, I certainly wasn't expecting the husband to want to fight and guilt me into giving the relationship another six months (he deserves that much from me). Then I find out the next day he was stoned but he meant it all... Ugh! Why do we still find it difficult to walk away when it's clear that in the long run we'd be better off? I wish you the best. My goal is to find serenity... I continue to pray to my HP that I may find it.