i don't know how to handle this anymore
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Olive Branch, mississippi
Posts: 2
i don't know how to handle this anymore
My husband and i have been married for 14 years. We had a great marriage. but for the last year, he has been drinking more and more and now he is getting drunk at least three times a week. A month ago, he even got violent and started choking me. I grew up with an alocholic father and my husband is reminding me of my father every time he gets drunk. He even admitted that he is drinking more than he should but he continues to drink. I would have thought that after the choking episode he would have realized he needed to stop, but he continues to drink. We have talked about it and he tells me I nag him about it. I guess, now i do, but i have tried to talk to him and i get nowhere. I don't know what to do anymore. Suggestions please.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
Undecided, welcome to SR.
I'm concerned that with the choking incident you are focused on what HE learned from it...what did YOU learn from it? This isn't about him, it is about you, being safe and happy.
Others know more about violent situations, so I will defer to them.
I'm concerned that with the choking incident you are focused on what HE learned from it...what did YOU learn from it? This isn't about him, it is about you, being safe and happy.
Others know more about violent situations, so I will defer to them.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the Sober Recovery family!
You will find support and information here. You are not alone.
The reason your husband continues to drink inspite of admitting he has a problem, inspite of choking you, and inspite of the fact he can't control his drinking is because he is addicted to alcohol. He is an alcoholic.
He has become powerless over alcohol and his life has become unmanageable.
When you speak to him about his drinking he hears you saying: "whine, whine, blah, blah, blah"
When he talks to you about trying to cut back, blaming you for making him drink, wishing you would get off his back he is saying: "quack, quack, quack"
We call alcoholic jabber quacking. They twist and turn everything you try to say into blame and justification for another drink.
There is a lack of communication in the relationship when alcohol is involved.
These steps may help you find strength and hope:
Read the sticky notes at the top of the forum for information.
Post your questions.
Check into local Alanon meetings and/or counseling with a therapist experienced with addiction.
Please make yourself at home. We understand.
You will find support and information here. You are not alone.
The reason your husband continues to drink inspite of admitting he has a problem, inspite of choking you, and inspite of the fact he can't control his drinking is because he is addicted to alcohol. He is an alcoholic.
He has become powerless over alcohol and his life has become unmanageable.
When you speak to him about his drinking he hears you saying: "whine, whine, blah, blah, blah"
When he talks to you about trying to cut back, blaming you for making him drink, wishing you would get off his back he is saying: "quack, quack, quack"
We call alcoholic jabber quacking. They twist and turn everything you try to say into blame and justification for another drink.
There is a lack of communication in the relationship when alcohol is involved.
These steps may help you find strength and hope:
Read the sticky notes at the top of the forum for information.
Post your questions.
Check into local Alanon meetings and/or counseling with a therapist experienced with addiction.
Please make yourself at home. We understand.
Last edited by Pelican; 10-27-2009 at 06:54 PM.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Hi! Welcome!
You have found the right place for lots of support.
Many of us have been where you are.
Here are some things that helped me in the beginning
Educating myself about the disease of alcoholism. There are a lot of good recommendations in the "Classic Reading" sticky. 2 of my favorites are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting them Sober". They are both quick easy reads.
Another thing that has helped me is going to Al-anon meetings and going to counceling.
Remember the 3 C's,
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and you can't cure it
I had to learn that nothing I did would make my AH change. He had to want change for himself and then carry out that change on his own.
Keep Posting!!!!!
ETA: I just wanted to add a link to the sticky with helpful information about abuse. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
You have found the right place for lots of support.
Many of us have been where you are.
Here are some things that helped me in the beginning
Educating myself about the disease of alcoholism. There are a lot of good recommendations in the "Classic Reading" sticky. 2 of my favorites are "Marriage on the Rocks" and "Getting them Sober". They are both quick easy reads.
Another thing that has helped me is going to Al-anon meetings and going to counceling.
Remember the 3 C's,
You didn't cause it
You can't control it
and you can't cure it
I had to learn that nothing I did would make my AH change. He had to want change for himself and then carry out that change on his own.
Keep Posting!!!!!
ETA: I just wanted to add a link to the sticky with helpful information about abuse. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Welcome to this forum. You've got some great replies- please remember that the disease of alcoholism is progressive and that the one thing you _do_ have control over is yourself. Nobody deserves to be abused....either by someone drunk or sober. I suggest you give your local domestic violence hotline a call....just in case it happens again; you will be prepared or at least better informed of your rights and options. Please take care of yourself.
There are so many others here who have been in your shoes and you can learn alot from them, what they did and how they have managed (or not managed) the situation of living with an active alcoholic. As a mom of a recovering addict, I learned from my own mistakes, how to do things a better way. I learned also from others who shared their experiences and solution with me here on SR and in Al-Anon.
I'm so glad you found us, please keep coming back to let us know how you're doing. There's no judgement here, just alot of people with shared experiences offering support. What helped me the most when I first came to SR was learning that I could take bits and pieces from what worked for others and apply them to my own life.
You're in a safe place, with friends who understand and care.
There are so many others here who have been in your shoes and you can learn alot from them, what they did and how they have managed (or not managed) the situation of living with an active alcoholic. As a mom of a recovering addict, I learned from my own mistakes, how to do things a better way. I learned also from others who shared their experiences and solution with me here on SR and in Al-Anon.
I'm so glad you found us, please keep coming back to let us know how you're doing. There's no judgement here, just alot of people with shared experiences offering support. What helped me the most when I first came to SR was learning that I could take bits and pieces from what worked for others and apply them to my own life.
You're in a safe place, with friends who understand and care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Olive Branch, mississippi
Posts: 2
Thank you all for the encouraging words. I'm really thinking about moving out, or having him to move out. I've have not made my mind up yet. I always said that if he ever abused me in any way, i would leave. I guess you don't really know what you would do until it happens to you. I really want to give him another chance, but i am very afraid that he will do it again, because he is still drinking.I have a big mouth sometimes and it is hard to keep it shut when i feel hurt or betrayed. We both have invested so many years in this marraige and i love him dearly. I do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I'm sorry for what you are going through. It really is hard, and we all draw boundary lines and when they get stepped on we draw new, worse ones. Then they get stepped on too...
My advice is to hold your boundaries now, so that it doesn't get any worse. Easier said than done, I know.
If your husband hasn't taken a serious look at what he did and decided to go full swing into AA and sobriety, but on the other hand has called you a nag and told you he would continue to drink, then that should be what you're looking at.
I would remove myself from the house or vice versa immediately and keep it that way at least until he becomes sober. Personally I would be afraid to stay with a person who could get physically violent. But like trapeze, I have no experience with violence, just anger and smashing things, intimidation style.
Take care of yourself!!!
My advice is to hold your boundaries now, so that it doesn't get any worse. Easier said than done, I know.
If your husband hasn't taken a serious look at what he did and decided to go full swing into AA and sobriety, but on the other hand has called you a nag and told you he would continue to drink, then that should be what you're looking at.
I would remove myself from the house or vice versa immediately and keep it that way at least until he becomes sober. Personally I would be afraid to stay with a person who could get physically violent. But like trapeze, I have no experience with violence, just anger and smashing things, intimidation style.
Take care of yourself!!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
Also, you said you 'have a big mouth' etc., but unless I'm reading wrong, it sounds like you are giving yourself the same self doubt many of us feel about our emotions. If you talk and no one hears you, you might keep talking. That doesn't make you wrong. But it is one behavior that has gotten many of us nowhere-- being told we nag, whine, complain, are never happy, are over reacting, are over sensitive, or need to just let them be. That doesn't mean you're wrong for wanting him to stop drinking, it just means he doesn't care and isn't listening. Don't doubt yourself when it comes to feeling hurt and betrayed--there is no gray area when it comes to choking--it wasn't your fault for nagging, that's for sure! He chose to drink and he chose to do it. You just want better, and for good reason!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 31
My boyfriend says I "nag" a lot too - when we went to counseling we found that he just uses that word whenever he doesnt agree with something Im saying whether Im right or wrong.
My mom grew up w an alcoholic mom - my grandma was awful and my mom said she would have done anything to have a different childhood. My grandpa was a wonderful man and didnt deserve any of it - neither do you.
My mom grew up w an alcoholic mom - my grandma was awful and my mom said she would have done anything to have a different childhood. My grandpa was a wonderful man and didnt deserve any of it - neither do you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
I'd never heard anyone call me a "Nag" before in my life. Now if I never heard it again I would be a happy woman! It seems like a convenient way to dismiss the validity of anything that I'm saying that the A doesn't like!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
It took me a long time to finally leave--over a year. STBXAH was verbally abusive to me and my older son (8) and started to get physically abusive.
I understand that you have been married 14 years (it was 12 years for me this summer) but abuse is abuse is abuse. He choked you. If you read your post step back and read that sentence. It is NEVER OK for someone to choke another person.
Keep yourself safe.
STBXAH--there are times I think he is the king of quack. For the longest time I was a doing all those things we codies do--beg, bargain, threaten. At some point I did realize the 3 Cs are true and I stepped away from the alcoholic. It was a process for me. Coming here helped me with that process. I have talked to friends since I left STBXAH and they all said they were trying to nudge me in the right direction but knew it was my decision to make--then later they all told me they were happy I finally decided to take care of the kids and myself and let the alcoholic go his own way. He still is quacking away and it is frustrating because now I know it is quacking but many do not and he makes me sound like the bit** from hell. But that is because I finally removed myself from him both physically and mentally. I finally set my boundaries and I put them in cement. So far even a jackhammer would not remove those boundaries. I came to realize he was poison to me and my kids and it was never going to end.
If there is anything I can say--please, please, please take care of yourself and I highly recommend Melanie Beattie's book Codependent No More. I saw myself more and more with every page I turned.
Welcome and please come back as much as you need--there are great people here who will listen and often help you see things you yourself are not seeing.
I understand that you have been married 14 years (it was 12 years for me this summer) but abuse is abuse is abuse. He choked you. If you read your post step back and read that sentence. It is NEVER OK for someone to choke another person.
Keep yourself safe.
STBXAH--there are times I think he is the king of quack. For the longest time I was a doing all those things we codies do--beg, bargain, threaten. At some point I did realize the 3 Cs are true and I stepped away from the alcoholic. It was a process for me. Coming here helped me with that process. I have talked to friends since I left STBXAH and they all said they were trying to nudge me in the right direction but knew it was my decision to make--then later they all told me they were happy I finally decided to take care of the kids and myself and let the alcoholic go his own way. He still is quacking away and it is frustrating because now I know it is quacking but many do not and he makes me sound like the bit** from hell. But that is because I finally removed myself from him both physically and mentally. I finally set my boundaries and I put them in cement. So far even a jackhammer would not remove those boundaries. I came to realize he was poison to me and my kids and it was never going to end.
If there is anything I can say--please, please, please take care of yourself and I highly recommend Melanie Beattie's book Codependent No More. I saw myself more and more with every page I turned.
Welcome and please come back as much as you need--there are great people here who will listen and often help you see things you yourself are not seeing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"... I always said that if he ever abused me in any way, i would leave...I really want to give him another chance, but i am very afraid that he will do it again, because he is still drinking...."
There are a lot of alcoholics/addicts out there who would like to sit back and blame the alcohol and/or the drugs for their bad behavior, including their violent behavior sure, "I'd never do that if I hadn't been drunk/high." I'm sorry, but that line is complete bs.
Just a wee FYI.....regarding this misconception that I'm seeing more and more lately.....drinking does NOT cause violence. Although alcohol may lower one's inhibitions, like hypnosis, it cannot 'make' anyone do anything against his/her will.
NoelleR
There are a lot of alcoholics/addicts out there who would like to sit back and blame the alcohol and/or the drugs for their bad behavior, including their violent behavior sure, "I'd never do that if I hadn't been drunk/high." I'm sorry, but that line is complete bs.
Just a wee FYI.....regarding this misconception that I'm seeing more and more lately.....drinking does NOT cause violence. Although alcohol may lower one's inhibitions, like hypnosis, it cannot 'make' anyone do anything against his/her will.
NoelleR
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: pa
Posts: 260
We begin to accept things we thought we never would.
Soon it becomes normal behavior to us.
Your father was a drunk now you are married to one,we seem to repeat the pattern.
He choked you,you are still there. What will it take for you to leave?
My life got better when I asked myself what is wrong with me that I am accepting this behavior from another person who happens to be my husband.
Learn about you Codependent no more is a wonderful book,read it then read it again.
Please save your life you cannot save his.
I wish you peace........................
Soon it becomes normal behavior to us.
Your father was a drunk now you are married to one,we seem to repeat the pattern.
He choked you,you are still there. What will it take for you to leave?
My life got better when I asked myself what is wrong with me that I am accepting this behavior from another person who happens to be my husband.
Learn about you Codependent no more is a wonderful book,read it then read it again.
Please save your life you cannot save his.
I wish you peace........................
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Quote: (((I would have thought that after the choking episode he would have realized he needed to stop, but he continues to drink. We have talked about it and he tells me I nag him about it.)))
Dear Undecided,
Firstly, it is highly likely that his befuddled mind has reduced that "choking" episode to just "putting his hands round your neck", something minor to him, not the dangerous and frightening action it really was. Denial is not just minimising the amount of drinking, or that they have any problem for themselves; it also is reducing and lessening the damage caused, minimising actions and behavior. How often some unpleasant action is thrown back at the person who was hurt or made unhappy, by them being told "it was just a bit of fun", or asked "what is wrong with you? Can't you take a joke?"
Being throttled and afraid for your life IS NOT FUN, nor is it a JOKE. It is and could end up DEADLY serious. So this was the first time he has done that, and how many times is he allowed to do so again, before he gets to face the consequences of this? The second time may be the last, FOR YOU, if you end up dead.
Once would be 1 time too many for me, and I would be gone already.
As for nagging, anything said to them that interferes, upsets or threatens their drinking habit IS called nagging. Ask for something once, get no response or action, so you repeat your request, .....Nagging.
So you have a husband who has choked you when in an angry drunken state, and calls your trying to speak to him, ...nagging.
He is NOT going to make any changes sometime soon, if ever so what can you do to take care of YOU and keep yourself safe?
Whether you leave him, or he is asked to go, or you stay there and take what comes is up to you.
I hope you get a second chance at life and happiness, before he has a second go at choking you.
God bless
Dear Undecided,
Firstly, it is highly likely that his befuddled mind has reduced that "choking" episode to just "putting his hands round your neck", something minor to him, not the dangerous and frightening action it really was. Denial is not just minimising the amount of drinking, or that they have any problem for themselves; it also is reducing and lessening the damage caused, minimising actions and behavior. How often some unpleasant action is thrown back at the person who was hurt or made unhappy, by them being told "it was just a bit of fun", or asked "what is wrong with you? Can't you take a joke?"
Being throttled and afraid for your life IS NOT FUN, nor is it a JOKE. It is and could end up DEADLY serious. So this was the first time he has done that, and how many times is he allowed to do so again, before he gets to face the consequences of this? The second time may be the last, FOR YOU, if you end up dead.
Once would be 1 time too many for me, and I would be gone already.
As for nagging, anything said to them that interferes, upsets or threatens their drinking habit IS called nagging. Ask for something once, get no response or action, so you repeat your request, .....Nagging.
So you have a husband who has choked you when in an angry drunken state, and calls your trying to speak to him, ...nagging.
He is NOT going to make any changes sometime soon, if ever so what can you do to take care of YOU and keep yourself safe?
Whether you leave him, or he is asked to go, or you stay there and take what comes is up to you.
I hope you get a second chance at life and happiness, before he has a second go at choking you.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
My AH was an aggressive drunk and at his worst, he had gotten violent. When I knew when it was going to be one of those aggressive nights (you get to know the lead up), with the help of counselling, I had enough sense and self esteem to get out and sleep in a motel. Actions do not have to be all or nothing. You can leave for a night. You have every right to be safe. If you are worried about the cost (as I was - we always seemed to be struggling for money), just think, how much is the drinking costing yet the household money always seemed to be able to support that.
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