When do I tell him? Seeking opinions...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
When do I tell him? Seeking opinions...
Looking for opinions on when I should tell my XABF that I am not going to be reconciling with him when he returns from rehab.
He's been in rehab about 3 weeks now, I think. He went very willingly after a horrible incident in which he just went nuts and became physically threatening towards me. (Yelling from him had been common - this was the first time he'd actually become physically threatening.)
I called the police, he left the property willingly and then I called his daughter to tell him what had happened. Within days, his kids did an intervention and he went off for the next three months.
He has called me several times from rehab. I've told him I was proud of him for going. Mostly I just listen to him talk about it. Once he mentioned that he told his therapist that he wants to work things out with me when he gets out. I remained silent. He said another time that his therapist might want an impact letter from me. Again, I haven't made any promises. Most of the phone calls are "all about him" - his therapy, what's going on there, his roomates, the doctors, etc. He asks very little, practically nothing about me or how I'm doing, which is fine with me. I don't want my life to be any of his business anymore. Sometimes we talk about the business we run together but not much of that even.
I listen politely when he calls, make encouraging comments about the program or treatment or whatever he's talking about, and then find a way to get off the phone after I've listened awhile.
He always tells me that he loves me before he hangs up. I do not say "I love you too." I don't say anything in response to that.
He has not asked me whether I would be willing to consider a reconciliation when he gets out but I know him. He wouldn't be calling me if he knew I didn't want it - too much pride to chase after someone who doesn't want him. He has a big enough ego to ASSUME I want it if I don't say anything to the contrary and that's what he's doing right now I think. He probably hasn't asked because he doesn't want to know the answer. He's probably hoping I'll come around over time and "get over" it all and everything will be all right when he gets out.
But like I posted in my first post here, I don't want to get over it. I just want out.
I don't know when the best time is to tell him that.
He's having some health problems right now - he has chronic high blood pressure and they're having a problem regulating it. I don't want to increase stress on him until that has resolved but at the same time I worry that I'm using that as a stalling tactic. God, my luck would be I'd tell him and he'd stroke out and everyone would hate me the rest of my life! lol
I dread it. I dread the confrontation and despite the fact that he has hurt me really badly over the last few years, I don't relish hurting him. I dread it.
Do it now and get it over with? Wait until his blood pressure stabilizes? Wait until I'm asked by his therapist to come in for a therapy session with him (which apparently is going to happen, according to him.)
And how do I tell him? Write him a letter? Tell him over the phone? I won't see him at all since he's in rehab unless I go in for a visit, which probably won't be allowed for another month.
I don't want him to get up the false hope that I'm considering a reconciliation. I don't want it to drag on unnecessarily. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse for him by screwing up the timing on it.
I'm ready to do it because I'm tired of dreading it. Like getting into a cold pool - I want to get it over with and don't want to wade in and suffer longer.
What's your vote? What would you do? Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
He's been in rehab about 3 weeks now, I think. He went very willingly after a horrible incident in which he just went nuts and became physically threatening towards me. (Yelling from him had been common - this was the first time he'd actually become physically threatening.)
I called the police, he left the property willingly and then I called his daughter to tell him what had happened. Within days, his kids did an intervention and he went off for the next three months.
He has called me several times from rehab. I've told him I was proud of him for going. Mostly I just listen to him talk about it. Once he mentioned that he told his therapist that he wants to work things out with me when he gets out. I remained silent. He said another time that his therapist might want an impact letter from me. Again, I haven't made any promises. Most of the phone calls are "all about him" - his therapy, what's going on there, his roomates, the doctors, etc. He asks very little, practically nothing about me or how I'm doing, which is fine with me. I don't want my life to be any of his business anymore. Sometimes we talk about the business we run together but not much of that even.
I listen politely when he calls, make encouraging comments about the program or treatment or whatever he's talking about, and then find a way to get off the phone after I've listened awhile.
He always tells me that he loves me before he hangs up. I do not say "I love you too." I don't say anything in response to that.
He has not asked me whether I would be willing to consider a reconciliation when he gets out but I know him. He wouldn't be calling me if he knew I didn't want it - too much pride to chase after someone who doesn't want him. He has a big enough ego to ASSUME I want it if I don't say anything to the contrary and that's what he's doing right now I think. He probably hasn't asked because he doesn't want to know the answer. He's probably hoping I'll come around over time and "get over" it all and everything will be all right when he gets out.
But like I posted in my first post here, I don't want to get over it. I just want out.
I don't know when the best time is to tell him that.
He's having some health problems right now - he has chronic high blood pressure and they're having a problem regulating it. I don't want to increase stress on him until that has resolved but at the same time I worry that I'm using that as a stalling tactic. God, my luck would be I'd tell him and he'd stroke out and everyone would hate me the rest of my life! lol
I dread it. I dread the confrontation and despite the fact that he has hurt me really badly over the last few years, I don't relish hurting him. I dread it.
Do it now and get it over with? Wait until his blood pressure stabilizes? Wait until I'm asked by his therapist to come in for a therapy session with him (which apparently is going to happen, according to him.)
And how do I tell him? Write him a letter? Tell him over the phone? I won't see him at all since he's in rehab unless I go in for a visit, which probably won't be allowed for another month.
I don't want him to get up the false hope that I'm considering a reconciliation. I don't want it to drag on unnecessarily. At the same time, I don't want to make things worse for him by screwing up the timing on it.
I'm ready to do it because I'm tired of dreading it. Like getting into a cold pool - I want to get it over with and don't want to wade in and suffer longer.
What's your vote? What would you do? Thanks in advance for your suggestions!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
I think you should tell him while he's there -- probably the sooner the better. That way his counselors are there to help him thru it.
You might want to call the center and ask to speak to his case manager. Ask his/her advise about the best way and best time to say what you have to say. They may even ask if you want to come in and have a session with him and his counselor. Not a bad idea if you ask me.
Good luck to you!
You might want to call the center and ask to speak to his case manager. Ask his/her advise about the best way and best time to say what you have to say. They may even ask if you want to come in and have a session with him and his counselor. Not a bad idea if you ask me.
Good luck to you!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
