honoryourself

So my A(?)H and I had a rough month. I started going to Al Anon, he started hanging out with friends at work, we didn't speak much to each other. Finally he started reaching out to me and trying to figure out what was going on, realizing that this wasn't just 'some fight' and if he held out longest he wouldn't win at all, but rather end up divorced.

At one point he admitted to feeling out of control with alcohol. Then he said he'd try to cut back. He did cut back, and seemed to do so fairly successfully, but that doesn't mean there isn't a beer a day and 4 on a weekend. For the first time we've gone to dinner and he's said "we can just order water". For the first time we went bowling and didn't order a pitcher of beer. I mean, some things are changed, at least temporarily.

At the same time I'm so nervous and cautious and I don't really get it. I don't have alcoholism.. I don't know if he does or if it was a really bad habit or what it is. I mean, I know he has some issues he needs to work through with self esteem and jealous and communication. I lumped everything into Alcoholism at first because it worked. Now I'm seeing maybe the two things are completely separate.

Every time I start to doubt that my H is an alcoholic, I'm reminded of the time I saw him quickly chugging a small glass of warm whiskey just before we went to go play tennis. When I asked him what he was doing he said he just needed to 'take the edge off' after work, as he had just walked in the door and we were rushing back out to play tennis.

Anyway.. I am just having a hard time getting a handle on what's real and what's an act. I mean it feels genuine, but I don't trust anything anymore really.

One thing I've noticed he started doing before was he'd complained about poor sleep. He tried taking melatonin at night to get a better night's rest. I think he felt like he couldn't get to bed without a lot of alcohol... anyway, the melatonin didn't do much for him but if asked he claims it works. When he cut back, on his suggestion, we got a lot of 'bedtime' teas and he'll have a couple cups of tea before bed now. I thought this seemed reasonable.
He sounded sick last week, and I know he went out to buy some cold meds. He got a night time medicine and I know he took it for 4 or 5 nights in a row. He didn't sound too sick to me but he did start out congested, so maybe it's valid. I just find myself looking at any 'aid' as a potential drug to him, another way around having to feel sober.
Maybe I'm too paranoid now?
I also have found clear eyes / visines around our house on a bunch of different occasions, throughout the past two years. I'm guessing this is normal for a person who drinks a lot? He claims his eyes are 'dry' or 'itchy' or something or another, and says it's normal for people to use it regularly. I said yeah, normal for pot heads. He doesn't do that so I know that's not the case.

I know he is trying hard because he's doing what he can to make me happy, saying nice things etc. But I feel so wary. He made an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow. He even got recommendations on therapists from his friends at work. They know we are having problems, so they are 'real' and admitted now. But the alcoholism thing, I feel like he has decided it's not an issue and he's fine... and I don't know, maybe it is fine, maybe it isn't. But I'm scared.

I felt like I knew what I had to do when he was being loud, angry, rude, and drinking a lot. But now I don't know what to do. I do want to give him a chance to turn things around, and I do think this is the first time he's realized it wasn't just a 'fight'... but I don't know how to protect myself and keep myself at arms length. What do I congratulate? He always wants so much praise for the good things. I just don't feel like doling it out anymore.
I feel like I don't know where I stand. I don't want to get too close because while he's being an absolute sweetheart to me, I worry that it's because he just wants something. I'm sure he misses being intimate but I am so far from that right now, I don't even want him to suggest it. What if that's all he's after. How do I know what's real and what's an act!
Sorry for the vent. Maybe the counseling will help. We are going to see the counselor together.

Still Waters

Give it some time. More will be revealed.

MissFixit

My ex gave gifts to make up for drunken stuff. It makes me sick now knowing that. He was always nice with an agenda. I was naive and did not see it as such at the time.

The giving out excessive praise was annoying to me too. He wanted it all the time for basic things that any normal adult does on a daily basis.

cmc

I've learned that it's best for me to try and focus on myself and observe the other person's actions over time. Unless someone else's problem affects me directly, I can continue with life as usual. Otherwise I take steps and make changes to protect myself: to safeguard my wellbeing, sanity, finances etc etc. Why does a adult person need to be congratulated for doing the right thing? When my adult son was seeking recovery...I let any 'congratulations' that were due him come from fellow addicts working a solid program of recovery. I learned it's best for me (and for them) if I remain uninvolved in another person's recovery. It's definitely the best course for me to take regarding anyone who is still choosing to play around with drugs or alcohol.

honoryourself

Thanks, yeah I figure all in good time. Limbo is difficult. At least its a more pleasant limbo at the moment.

The constant praise is something I definitely want to address in the context of a counselors office. I like to be appreciated for things just like anyone else, so I don't want to cut it out completely, but it is true, I feel ridiculous giving repetitive praise for the most basic of things. "I set up a counselors appointment." "good, did you get approval from insurance?" "no. what do I have to do." "call the number on your card" "I called and got approved" "good". I mean that part shouldn't even happen. I don't have to tell him every time I take a baby step and get a "good job" for it.

What makes a person so needy? It seems awful to be that way. Sometimes being around him makes me feel like I need all that praise too. Detaching..!