Moment of clarity
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Moment of clarity
Ok, after freaking out internally, while sitting at my desk at work, it just came to me:
If STBX dares do anything stupid, like take my daughter from daycare, whether before or after I move out, I'll just take out the big guns--the ones I've been trying to avoid using for the sake of my stepson. I'll tell the police that he is a convicted felon in the U.S., that he is still wanted by the FBI for nonpayment of his restitution, that there may be an illegal firearm somewhere in the apartment, and that he's an alcoholic. I have been torturing myself by trying to "be nice" and trying to protect everyone's feelings/egos, but if he dares take my child from me, I'll step on him. Plain and simple.
Considering his current situation (established job, full custody of his son, good standing at work, etc), I don't believe he'll dare do anything that will threaten him in this way.
He can request and demand and threaten to have shared custody, but he's doing it because he knows he can't force me to do anything. I may become the "bad guy" in his world, but whatever.
Ok. I get it now.
If STBX dares do anything stupid, like take my daughter from daycare, whether before or after I move out, I'll just take out the big guns--the ones I've been trying to avoid using for the sake of my stepson. I'll tell the police that he is a convicted felon in the U.S., that he is still wanted by the FBI for nonpayment of his restitution, that there may be an illegal firearm somewhere in the apartment, and that he's an alcoholic. I have been torturing myself by trying to "be nice" and trying to protect everyone's feelings/egos, but if he dares take my child from me, I'll step on him. Plain and simple.
Considering his current situation (established job, full custody of his son, good standing at work, etc), I don't believe he'll dare do anything that will threaten him in this way.
He can request and demand and threaten to have shared custody, but he's doing it because he knows he can't force me to do anything. I may become the "bad guy" in his world, but whatever.
Ok. I get it now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Well, it looks like Mama Tiger is going to HAVE to bear her claws because last night's conversation didn't bode well.
After a lot of hushed arguing (I had my daughter asleep on the breast), STBX said that if I didn't "work with him", he'd go for a legal battle and drag all my "dirty secrets" out in the open (i.e. I was a stripper for 2 years to support him, I once tried to commit suicide and ended up in a halfway house for 2 nights...because he broke up with me!!).
In the meantime, he wants yet ANOTHEr signed agreement guaranteeing that
a) I'll move back in HIS neighborhood by March
b) he can see my daughter whenever he wnats on week-ends (he refuses to travel to her, I have to travel to him)
c) he can pick her up twice a week from daycare, bring her to his place, make me wait there until he's done hanging out with her (read: sit her on the floor at his feet while he watches tv or plays videogames) and then *I* get to drag her back home, via subway, late at night.
When I tried to compromise with him, give him something and convey that I'm not the ennemy, he just told me that if he didn't get what he wanted, he'd just take matters into his own hands. He'll just start picking up my daughter at daycare whenever he wants, without my permission and let me freak out/panic and try to find her while he plays games with me.
My resolve is shaken. I'm officially scared. I've spoken to the police, but they're no help. I've got a legal phone consult either tomorrow or Friday, and an appointment with legal aid at the Y on the 4th, but it all seems too far away!
I can't focus on anything except this custody issue. I didn't sleep last night trying to figure it out. I spent the entire morning writing up a summary of the situation with dates and statements and relevant questions so I can make my legal consult worthwhile. I'd really like to get back to focusing on myself, but this drama is forcing me to hyperfocus on him and what he wants or is going to do to me and my child.
I need some strength here.
After a lot of hushed arguing (I had my daughter asleep on the breast), STBX said that if I didn't "work with him", he'd go for a legal battle and drag all my "dirty secrets" out in the open (i.e. I was a stripper for 2 years to support him, I once tried to commit suicide and ended up in a halfway house for 2 nights...because he broke up with me!!).
In the meantime, he wants yet ANOTHEr signed agreement guaranteeing that
a) I'll move back in HIS neighborhood by March
b) he can see my daughter whenever he wnats on week-ends (he refuses to travel to her, I have to travel to him)
c) he can pick her up twice a week from daycare, bring her to his place, make me wait there until he's done hanging out with her (read: sit her on the floor at his feet while he watches tv or plays videogames) and then *I* get to drag her back home, via subway, late at night.
When I tried to compromise with him, give him something and convey that I'm not the ennemy, he just told me that if he didn't get what he wanted, he'd just take matters into his own hands. He'll just start picking up my daughter at daycare whenever he wants, without my permission and let me freak out/panic and try to find her while he plays games with me.
My resolve is shaken. I'm officially scared. I've spoken to the police, but they're no help. I've got a legal phone consult either tomorrow or Friday, and an appointment with legal aid at the Y on the 4th, but it all seems too far away!
I can't focus on anything except this custody issue. I didn't sleep last night trying to figure it out. I spent the entire morning writing up a summary of the situation with dates and statements and relevant questions so I can make my legal consult worthwhile. I'd really like to get back to focusing on myself, but this drama is forcing me to hyperfocus on him and what he wants or is going to do to me and my child.
I need some strength here.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Wow-- I would stop engaging in any discussions about custody. Period. if he brings it up just say "Hunh. I see you've given this a lot of thought. I'm speechless!" Continue non-committal disinterested responses until you have secured legal representation. Then it becomes: "Oh, custody and visitation? Talk to my lawyer."
It's really dangerous to engage in these discussions. Tell your lawyer EVERYTHING and find out how the law will shake down in your situation specifically. Until then, don't fret, don't borrow trouble by awfulizing the future, because you don't yet know your legal options specifically. Just stay in the moment as best you can. And hone those non-reactive skills/responses -- they are very helpful in dealing with EX Spouses!!!
peace-
b
It's really dangerous to engage in these discussions. Tell your lawyer EVERYTHING and find out how the law will shake down in your situation specifically. Until then, don't fret, don't borrow trouble by awfulizing the future, because you don't yet know your legal options specifically. Just stay in the moment as best you can. And hone those non-reactive skills/responses -- they are very helpful in dealing with EX Spouses!!!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”~Mahatma Ghandi
please please follow bernadettes advice. Do not commit to anything. Less than 2 days now. Can you leave your child with someone else like a family member instead of taking her to daycare? Did you call the daycare and inform then what was happening?
He sounds crazy. He probably won't follow thru on his threats but best to take him at his word in this situation. Better safe than sorry...
please please follow bernadettes advice. Do not commit to anything. Less than 2 days now. Can you leave your child with someone else like a family member instead of taking her to daycare? Did you call the daycare and inform then what was happening?
He sounds crazy. He probably won't follow thru on his threats but best to take him at his word in this situation. Better safe than sorry...
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
What happens in Canada when parents disagree about custody? Here, before you go to court, you need to see a family mediator. Anytime my husband made the same threats as yours did, I calmly told him that since we disagreed on this matter, I would refuse to talk to him without a third qualified party involved. He never had an answer to that. Then, back in june, I had to be hospitalised for 2 days for a pneumonia and then, he had to take care of the kids (aged 8 and 4) and guess what: he realised he could not handle it at all. Since then, there has been no more threats of custody battle.
In the meantime, just tell him that you too need to go to mediation to resolve this matter and that from now on, you refuse to talk to him without a third party involved.
In the meantime, just tell him that you too need to go to mediation to resolve this matter and that from now on, you refuse to talk to him without a third party involved.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Oh and don't forget: he is only doing all this to punish you (I'm sure you are aware of this). It only works because he is bullying you, intimidating, blackmailing etc. I bet that if you only allowed to have conversations with him when someone else, neutral, was present, none of this would happen. Try and find someone neutral, calm to be there when you talk to him so he stops playing these manipulative tricks on you. Don't give him that power. This sort of guys are complete cowards.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
OK I'll say it.
That @$$hole.
First of all, your supposedly "horrible" past can probably not even be brought into evidence. Compared to his status as a convicted felon, given the fact that he can be picked up at any time and hauled off over the restitution, the judge is not going to give a rats' ass what your former career was. They don't take breastfeeding children away from their mothers and give them to someone who is on an FBI wanted list just because she used to be a stripper.
DO NOT LET HIM SCARE YOU. Do not give in. And frankly I'd breastfeed that baby until she was at least FIVE. LOL
That @$$hole.
First of all, your supposedly "horrible" past can probably not even be brought into evidence. Compared to his status as a convicted felon, given the fact that he can be picked up at any time and hauled off over the restitution, the judge is not going to give a rats' ass what your former career was. They don't take breastfeeding children away from their mothers and give them to someone who is on an FBI wanted list just because she used to be a stripper.
DO NOT LET HIM SCARE YOU. Do not give in. And frankly I'd breastfeed that baby until she was at least FIVE. LOL
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Follow Bernadettes advice.
Let daycare know what he has threatened.
Stall, Stall and Stall til you have legals sorted, then tell him deal with lawyer.
If he quacks about taking your daughter, to freak you out, panic and try to find her, tell him it will be the police who will be out looking for her. He needs them on his back I don't think, after all blackmail and kidnapping are frowned upon, and the FBI could end up being notified of his whereabouts. Pity they haven't been already.
The more he rants the more he proves to me, that he cares much more about his power play and bugging you, than he does about his daughter.
Honey, work on disconnecting those buttons ASAP, so he can push them all he likes and only end up with a sore finger. Trust me, somewhere he will make a real boo boo or hit the booze big time, and blow all his imaginary plots out of the water, but til then STALL.
God bless
Let daycare know what he has threatened.
Stall, Stall and Stall til you have legals sorted, then tell him deal with lawyer.
If he quacks about taking your daughter, to freak you out, panic and try to find her, tell him it will be the police who will be out looking for her. He needs them on his back I don't think, after all blackmail and kidnapping are frowned upon, and the FBI could end up being notified of his whereabouts. Pity they haven't been already.
The more he rants the more he proves to me, that he cares much more about his power play and bugging you, than he does about his daughter.
Honey, work on disconnecting those buttons ASAP, so he can push them all he likes and only end up with a sore finger. Trust me, somewhere he will make a real boo boo or hit the booze big time, and blow all his imaginary plots out of the water, but til then STALL.
God bless
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