Feeling sad.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Feeling sad.
I am having a rough morning after hearing that STBXAH asked his sister if she'd be open to meeting the OW that he had his affair with. Of course, SIL said she has no interest.
This is the OW who was my "friend" that X started having an affair with after he "quit" drinking. (He has had 4 relapses since.) She had moved across the country before I found out, and X is indicating that she may be moving back.
I have felt totally OK about this posibility up until I heard it presented as an actual possibility. I am pretty sure she is coming into town this weekend, because he asked if I could keep the kids this weekend.
As hard as I tried not to give them free rent in my head, I could not stop stewing over it last night.
I think I came to the realization this morning that I am afraid that I *was* the problem in our marriage and that a relationship between those two will be beautiful and glorious. My head tells me that this is BS, and that if she does move back, they will have the chance to see each other for what they really are.
I am also afraid that I will always be bitter, that I will always want to kick her @ss, that I will always be waiting for them to fail so I can laugh. I just want to not care. I just want to honestly be able to say, "Good luck and goodbye," without feeling so cheated and abandoned.
Blegh...help?
This is the OW who was my "friend" that X started having an affair with after he "quit" drinking. (He has had 4 relapses since.) She had moved across the country before I found out, and X is indicating that she may be moving back.
I have felt totally OK about this posibility up until I heard it presented as an actual possibility. I am pretty sure she is coming into town this weekend, because he asked if I could keep the kids this weekend.
As hard as I tried not to give them free rent in my head, I could not stop stewing over it last night.
I think I came to the realization this morning that I am afraid that I *was* the problem in our marriage and that a relationship between those two will be beautiful and glorious. My head tells me that this is BS, and that if she does move back, they will have the chance to see each other for what they really are.
I am also afraid that I will always be bitter, that I will always want to kick her @ss, that I will always be waiting for them to fail so I can laugh. I just want to not care. I just want to honestly be able to say, "Good luck and goodbye," without feeling so cheated and abandoned.
Blegh...help?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ugh!
It's not you. He had an affair. With your "friend." He is an amoralistic jerk who is running as fast as he can to try to prevent being alone. Keep running, jerk, you're taking yourself with you.
While you my dear, are learning to embrace being alone, knowing yourself and facing your demons. You are Working Hard. I promise it will pay off.
Do you have any journal writings you can refer to? For me, going over my writings from the past helps me realize and remember how abusive my marriage was.
You have been traumatized, betrayed. That beats down your self esteem.
This is sadness. And fear. Not your true, beautiful self.
It's not you. He had an affair. With your "friend." He is an amoralistic jerk who is running as fast as he can to try to prevent being alone. Keep running, jerk, you're taking yourself with you.
While you my dear, are learning to embrace being alone, knowing yourself and facing your demons. You are Working Hard. I promise it will pay off.
Do you have any journal writings you can refer to? For me, going over my writings from the past helps me realize and remember how abusive my marriage was.
You have been traumatized, betrayed. That beats down your self esteem.
This is sadness. And fear. Not your true, beautiful self.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Ok you're really going to like this
I just booked my flight to the conference, my AH will have to go in and make the payment.
I just had a moment of panic because he's soooo beautiful and when the woman who books my flights (who knows all my woes' I"ve booked flights with her for years) sees him, she'll fall madly in love and wonder what is wrong with me!
But when I stop to think about it, this is not how I really feel. It's a habit I think, to panic, feel left out and like I"m making a mistake by not being with him. Like it's the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
But I think it's a habit I've outgrown. It takes a minute, but I'm not stunned by his "beauty" anymore, not weeping anymore. Not even sad, unless I'm triggered like I was recently.
NO CONTACT offers all this healing. And that, my dear wanting, is what you helped me realized.
I was thinking about you today, wondering how you are because of your support when I was guy wrenched. You said,
and really helped me. A lot.
I just booked my flight to the conference, my AH will have to go in and make the payment.
I just had a moment of panic because he's soooo beautiful and when the woman who books my flights (who knows all my woes' I"ve booked flights with her for years) sees him, she'll fall madly in love and wonder what is wrong with me!
But when I stop to think about it, this is not how I really feel. It's a habit I think, to panic, feel left out and like I"m making a mistake by not being with him. Like it's the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
But I think it's a habit I've outgrown. It takes a minute, but I'm not stunned by his "beauty" anymore, not weeping anymore. Not even sad, unless I'm triggered like I was recently.
NO CONTACT offers all this healing. And that, my dear wanting, is what you helped me realized.
I was thinking about you today, wondering how you are because of your support when I was guy wrenched. You said,
Transform, I've only been in no-contact for a few weeks. The benefits have been huge. I give myself pep-talks when I know he's coming to get the kids or drop them off: "You will only discuss matters of importance about the kids." He served me with divorce papers on Friday, and then tried to ask if I was OK, you know, inviting me to start crying and asking, "Whyeeeeee???" I just said, "I only want to discuss matters of importance about the kids." He stuttered a bit and I just said I'd get my stuff notarized and give it back to him when I can. After he left, I cried a little, because I am sad that it's come to this. I am not willing to feed the situation or his ego by continuing to tell him that I love him and begging him to go to counseling with me. The hard part is that the more I pull away, the more interesting I become to him. But it does feel good to be holding my own cards.
Anyway, the point is that this isn't coming naturally to me yet. I have to pep-talk myself and constantly remind myself that the man I loved is dead. I trust that it will come naturally one day.
Also, that where I am isn't "someday" away. I'm not far ahead of you at all. Just a couple of weeks of no contact is all.
Anyway, the point is that this isn't coming naturally to me yet. I have to pep-talk myself and constantly remind myself that the man I loved is dead. I trust that it will come naturally one day.
Also, that where I am isn't "someday" away. I'm not far ahead of you at all. Just a couple of weeks of no contact is all.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Thank you Transform. 
It does help to hear my own words and this:
really resonated with me. It is a habit for me to feel like this. I felt like this the whole time I suspected they were having an affair. He'd leave me with the kids at home to go out with her, and they'd do all these fun things that we never did. I felt like such a frumpy old bore. And that's how I feel now. I'm taking the kids down to my parents' area for Halloween weekend, while he'll be out living it up with this person. The unfairness of it all is just making me so upset. People keep saying to me, "Karma is going to be a bi**h for those two," but I don't even believe in karma! But isn't it a little sick that my biggest fear is that they'll be happy together? I need to find a way to let go of wanting him to realize what he's thrown away. It's going to be the death of me.
To make matters worse, I may have PMS.
It does help to hear my own words and this:
It's a habit I think, to panic, feel left out and like I'm making a mistake by not being with him. Like it's the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
To make matters worse, I may have PMS.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
Oh, Wanting, I know how you feel. My xabf is off having the time of his life. How unfair is that! While I grunt through all this work I have to do on myself, which is certainly not much fun. This coming weekend, I will put a good face on and drag myself to a couple of Halloween things (it was our favorite holiday, so it kind of hurts), while he has an absolute blast.
I LOVE what transformyself said though:
Keep running, jerk, you're taking yourself with you.
Very funny!
I don't know about Karma, but I DO know that I'm incredibly grateful that I'm not addicted to alcohol and that this addiction rarely ends in happiness, so he may be having the best time right now, but who knows what the future holds for him. Also, I was thinking the other day that people don't always go through periods of growth at the same time. This is MY time to do some work, his time will hopefully be later. Not much of a comfort sometimes, I know, but good times will come again, I'm sure.
I LOVE what transformyself said though:
Keep running, jerk, you're taking yourself with you.
Very funny!
I don't know about Karma, but I DO know that I'm incredibly grateful that I'm not addicted to alcohol and that this addiction rarely ends in happiness, so he may be having the best time right now, but who knows what the future holds for him. Also, I was thinking the other day that people don't always go through periods of growth at the same time. This is MY time to do some work, his time will hopefully be later. Not much of a comfort sometimes, I know, but good times will come again, I'm sure.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
The OW is ending up with him. Pity her.
People don't change when they're with someone else, especially if they're alcoholics who are still drinking. They're still the crappy jerks that they were in the last relationship. The only difference is the new person in their life reacts differently to them. BUT NOT FOR LONG. If this OW is any kind of normal, she's going to end up in the same place you're in right now - or worse.
They're pretty much doomed. First of all, relationships that begin as an affair are DOOMED. Statistically they only RARELY work out. Very rarely. I read that on Dr. Phil's website somewhere. So, starting out they're already facing an uphill battle. Add to that the fact that he's an alcoholic.
That relationship is toast.
I think after a few months she'll dump him and he'll be back on your front doorstep. And come back here and we will ALL celebrate the fabulous feeling you had when you laugh in his face and tell him to HIT THE ROAD!!!!
(((((HUGS))))))
People don't change when they're with someone else, especially if they're alcoholics who are still drinking. They're still the crappy jerks that they were in the last relationship. The only difference is the new person in their life reacts differently to them. BUT NOT FOR LONG. If this OW is any kind of normal, she's going to end up in the same place you're in right now - or worse.
They're pretty much doomed. First of all, relationships that begin as an affair are DOOMED. Statistically they only RARELY work out. Very rarely. I read that on Dr. Phil's website somewhere. So, starting out they're already facing an uphill battle. Add to that the fact that he's an alcoholic.
That relationship is toast.
I think after a few months she'll dump him and he'll be back on your front doorstep. And come back here and we will ALL celebrate the fabulous feeling you had when you laugh in his face and tell him to HIT THE ROAD!!!!(((((HUGS))))))
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 234
You will not always be bitter. One day you won't give a flying flip what he is doing.
You will realize that you are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such. You will value yourself more than you value the cheating jerk.
Remember to post here when this happens so we can all celebrate! It will happen.
You will realize that you are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such. You will value yourself more than you value the cheating jerk.
Remember to post here when this happens so we can all celebrate! It will happen.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: London
Posts: 145
Wanting I must thank you for sharing this thread. And thankyou Transform, Free and Redux for sharing things too. All of you in this thread have written at least one thing which has set off a little lightbulb in my head. Nothing I didn't already know, but things I forget because I sometimes drown so much in my own sorrows!
My xabf finished with me at the end of May after three years. You know I couldn't get my head around it as he always seemed proud to have me at the end of his arm. Loved showing me off to his friends as apparently they all thought I was posh and attractive, and asked how come he could get someone like me and they couldn't.
Posh and attractive maybe! Common sense? Negative!
For months after he finished with me I couldn't get my head around it. How could someone who seemingly worship me treat me that way.
I went back over some old emails I'd sent to one of my closest male friends at the time I was with my xabf. They spanned a year in about the middle of our relationship. Do you know what? If any of you have done the same, and are in my position where even now sometimes I want my xabf back, I strongly recommend you read your old material. What an eye opener! Far from the xabf I remembered, the one who was always so funny, sweet, charming, protective, etc, I was overwhelmed with grief. There are incidents in those letters to my friend I'd blocked out. I didn't even know I was capable of blocking out incidents that made me sad. One incident where he'd been lovely to me all night, cooked for me, held me in the kitchen and told me how beautiful I was, how lucky he was, etc. Then five minutes I'd arrived home from his (a 40 minute drive) he'd texted me asking me to ring him. When I did, he finished with me. After we got off the phone he sent me threatening texts. (I can't remember what was in them, but I'd written, and have since remembered, that the last one ended 'you'll pay'). I was so overwhelmed on reading what I'd written to my friend I had to go out of the office for some air.
What a shock!
Do you know what though? I don't know whether the rules of rebound relationships etc, apply to alcoholics. What I do know is he went for someone totally the opposite to me (a classic rebound sign!) While I am 35 with no baggage, ie no children, no divorce, etc, - something he always said he loved about me - he has gone for a woman who is divorced and has four young children under 10 by at least three different fathers. While I am a well educated, career girl, this girl is on benefits. The differences are endless.
My xabf didn't work in all the time we were together - apart from about a month where he worked for a friend. Since he's been with her he's had a job -for about five weeks - now he's on the dole again. So I no longer think it's all rosey over there. Also I'm not sure how the British DWP (Department for Work and Pensions) handles benefits for people like my ex but he cannot physically work because he drinks. He hasn't worked for four years. Does he want to stop drinking? No. Can a relationship survive something like that? Well it did for him and me until he ended it, but then I never had children to consider and I never lived with him (incidentally he moved in with her six weeks after I last heard from him and less than three months after we broke up - he only met her about a month before
Transform you are absolutely right. Rather than jumping from one relationship into the next, latching on to the next person, I have been taking a lot of time out to work on myself, picking up the pieces of myself after he totally shattered me. The strength I have gained from this website and from people such as yourself has been incredible. I have also been reading books on personality traits, etc, as well as the bible... Co Dependent No More! In the three years I was with my ex the word Co-dependent never entered my diction! It's amazing you can fit the description of a word perfectly and never know it until it's too late and the damage has been done!
Transform thank you also for posting Wanting's original post up. It's the equivalent of holding a mirror up which plays back your life and you see things for what they really are Sometimes I have the urge to try to find my ex (It wouldn't be hard - the village pub is always a safe bet - daily drinker!) When the desire becomes so strong I simply go into 'my posts' on this website and read from the beginning, relive those feelings he caused. Or I read my emails to my friend. I tell you one thing that has really helped me with this website. Try to post on every thread that really hits home with you. That way it's easy to find them again. I have found this a tremendous tool in my quest to rebuild my life.
Redux you're absolutely right we should pity the next 'hostage'. But do you know what? That girl talked my ex out of a relationship with me. I had a feeling about her from the second I clapped eyes on her. And do you know what? This is where Wanting and I differ. I do believe in karma. And I believe she'll get hers in all this. I don't pity her - I pity her as much as I trusted her. But I do pity her children.
Free108 - You're right. Even if they are having the time of their lives it won't last. I doubt very much my ex and his current woman are having the time of their lives. He couldn't stick around for his own children. Even less than 12 months ago he apparently told his housemate he didn't see them because 'couldn't be bothered'. Quite a different story from the bleating, blubbing baby I used to see. He's been in and out of their lives for four years. This time does seem to be the longest time but I doubt it will last. And if the DWP does decide he will have to get a job, and if he can't through drink, then the drink will have to go, I doubt very much it will be too long before he comes knocking at my door for money.
Sorry, having an angry rant - been one of those days in my thoughts about him!
My xabf finished with me at the end of May after three years. You know I couldn't get my head around it as he always seemed proud to have me at the end of his arm. Loved showing me off to his friends as apparently they all thought I was posh and attractive, and asked how come he could get someone like me and they couldn't.
Posh and attractive maybe! Common sense? Negative!
For months after he finished with me I couldn't get my head around it. How could someone who seemingly worship me treat me that way.
I went back over some old emails I'd sent to one of my closest male friends at the time I was with my xabf. They spanned a year in about the middle of our relationship. Do you know what? If any of you have done the same, and are in my position where even now sometimes I want my xabf back, I strongly recommend you read your old material. What an eye opener! Far from the xabf I remembered, the one who was always so funny, sweet, charming, protective, etc, I was overwhelmed with grief. There are incidents in those letters to my friend I'd blocked out. I didn't even know I was capable of blocking out incidents that made me sad. One incident where he'd been lovely to me all night, cooked for me, held me in the kitchen and told me how beautiful I was, how lucky he was, etc. Then five minutes I'd arrived home from his (a 40 minute drive) he'd texted me asking me to ring him. When I did, he finished with me. After we got off the phone he sent me threatening texts. (I can't remember what was in them, but I'd written, and have since remembered, that the last one ended 'you'll pay'). I was so overwhelmed on reading what I'd written to my friend I had to go out of the office for some air.
What a shock!
Do you know what though? I don't know whether the rules of rebound relationships etc, apply to alcoholics. What I do know is he went for someone totally the opposite to me (a classic rebound sign!) While I am 35 with no baggage, ie no children, no divorce, etc, - something he always said he loved about me - he has gone for a woman who is divorced and has four young children under 10 by at least three different fathers. While I am a well educated, career girl, this girl is on benefits. The differences are endless.
My xabf didn't work in all the time we were together - apart from about a month where he worked for a friend. Since he's been with her he's had a job -for about five weeks - now he's on the dole again. So I no longer think it's all rosey over there. Also I'm not sure how the British DWP (Department for Work and Pensions) handles benefits for people like my ex but he cannot physically work because he drinks. He hasn't worked for four years. Does he want to stop drinking? No. Can a relationship survive something like that? Well it did for him and me until he ended it, but then I never had children to consider and I never lived with him (incidentally he moved in with her six weeks after I last heard from him and less than three months after we broke up - he only met her about a month before
Transform you are absolutely right. Rather than jumping from one relationship into the next, latching on to the next person, I have been taking a lot of time out to work on myself, picking up the pieces of myself after he totally shattered me. The strength I have gained from this website and from people such as yourself has been incredible. I have also been reading books on personality traits, etc, as well as the bible... Co Dependent No More! In the three years I was with my ex the word Co-dependent never entered my diction! It's amazing you can fit the description of a word perfectly and never know it until it's too late and the damage has been done!
Transform thank you also for posting Wanting's original post up. It's the equivalent of holding a mirror up which plays back your life and you see things for what they really are Sometimes I have the urge to try to find my ex (It wouldn't be hard - the village pub is always a safe bet - daily drinker!) When the desire becomes so strong I simply go into 'my posts' on this website and read from the beginning, relive those feelings he caused. Or I read my emails to my friend. I tell you one thing that has really helped me with this website. Try to post on every thread that really hits home with you. That way it's easy to find them again. I have found this a tremendous tool in my quest to rebuild my life.
Redux you're absolutely right we should pity the next 'hostage'. But do you know what? That girl talked my ex out of a relationship with me. I had a feeling about her from the second I clapped eyes on her. And do you know what? This is where Wanting and I differ. I do believe in karma. And I believe she'll get hers in all this. I don't pity her - I pity her as much as I trusted her. But I do pity her children.
Free108 - You're right. Even if they are having the time of their lives it won't last. I doubt very much my ex and his current woman are having the time of their lives. He couldn't stick around for his own children. Even less than 12 months ago he apparently told his housemate he didn't see them because 'couldn't be bothered'. Quite a different story from the bleating, blubbing baby I used to see. He's been in and out of their lives for four years. This time does seem to be the longest time but I doubt it will last. And if the DWP does decide he will have to get a job, and if he can't through drink, then the drink will have to go, I doubt very much it will be too long before he comes knocking at my door for money.
Sorry, having an angry rant - been one of those days in my thoughts about him!
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OK You know about the stages of grieving, right? Denial, barganing, anger, sadness, depression, tequila and acceptance? I can cycle through each of them in one day, but also have cycled through them on a microcosm level as well.
The first six months I swear I was in denial/barganing and sadness. Then for a good 6 months I would swing into anger and that really felt better. It helps me to remember these are normal stages, normal reactions after being tramautized.
You're shifting into flashbacks. This is not back then Wanting. It's the present.
Stop this. Stop it right now. instead of thinking he'll be living it up or ANYTHING about him say, This is none of my business. It's not my problem.
The unfairness of it all is just making me so upset. People keep saying to me, "Karma is going to be a bi**h for those two," but I don't even believe in karma! But isn't it a little sick that my biggest fear is that they'll be happy together? I need to find a way to let go of wanting him to realize what he's thrown away. It's going to be the death of me.
And this is so true.
Believe it. I hope you're feeling better today. Start getting ready for this weekend now. Let yourself cry if you have to but then wash your face and take back your life!
The first six months I swear I was in denial/barganing and sadness. Then for a good 6 months I would swing into anger and that really felt better. It helps me to remember these are normal stages, normal reactions after being tramautized.
He'd leave me with the kids at home to go out with her, and they'd do all these fun things that we never did. I felt like such a frumpy old bore. And that's how I feel now.
I'm taking the kids down to my parents' area for Halloween weekend, while he'll be out living it up with this person.
The unfairness of it all is just making me so upset. People keep saying to me, "Karma is going to be a bi**h for those two," but I don't even believe in karma! But isn't it a little sick that my biggest fear is that they'll be happy together? I need to find a way to let go of wanting him to realize what he's thrown away. It's going to be the death of me.
And this is so true.
You will not always be bitter. One day you won't give a flying flip what he is doing.
You will realize that you are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such. You will value yourself more than you value the cheating jerk.
Remember to post here when this happens so we can all celebrate! It will happen.
You will realize that you are a wonderful person and deserve to be treated as such. You will value yourself more than you value the cheating jerk.
Remember to post here when this happens so we can all celebrate! It will happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Thank you, thank you, thank you. So much of what's been said has resonated with me. The biggest thing is that what he does is not my business. My business is to tend to my own happiness. I am going to have a great weekend with my family.
In a way, I'm glad that I heard about this through the grapevine. It has strengthened my reslove to protect myself through no contact. I've been doing good with no contact, but I need to remember to stick with it.
Thanks so much everyone. I don't know what I'd do without you. Especially you, Transform!
In a way, I'm glad that I heard about this through the grapevine. It has strengthened my reslove to protect myself through no contact. I've been doing good with no contact, but I need to remember to stick with it.
Thanks so much everyone. I don't know what I'd do without you. Especially you, Transform!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Wanting,
I am sure that neither of them will be happy or together for very long.
You on the other hand can be content, happy and have a lovely life, because you do not have to endure the hassles and hell of alcohol anymore.
Frankly I wish them happy, and a long time together, so he will NEVER, EVER come anywhere near you again, and you will forever be FREE of him.
God bless
I am sure that neither of them will be happy or together for very long.
You on the other hand can be content, happy and have a lovely life, because you do not have to endure the hassles and hell of alcohol anymore.
Frankly I wish them happy, and a long time together, so he will NEVER, EVER come anywhere near you again, and you will forever be FREE of him.
God bless
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yay! I'm glad my rantings were able to help you.
I was thinking, and would like to offer some unsolicited advice about your interactions with him,Hope this doesn't offend you if you already know these things, but they're what's worked for me. When i do it..
Should you talk to him before the weekend DO NOT ask any questions, make snide comments or other wise acknowledge you have been told about his potential visitor this weekend. Be cheerful, distracted by the excitment of the weekend with the kids and your own life and only do Happy Cashier Lady. You know, like the cashier at the grocery store? "did you find everything ok?" "that'll be twelve thirty two please." "thanks have a great day"
This is not a game. This is to empower YOU. When you are relaxed, engaged in your own life and utterly not interested in his, you will be living in the opposite mode of scared, angry and hurt. Just smile, discuss only kids and finances and get away quickly--without anger or really a second thought about him--only showing him contentment with your life with the kids the walk away into the fantastic realm of your own life. Fake it till you make it sister.
I've been able to do this now for about a week and am amazed at how quickly my life returns to normal. Yes, I keep slipping and engaging with him, talking about stuff I have no business talking to him about, sleeping with the b*****d, but each time I come back to this: detach detach detach.
I was thinking, and would like to offer some unsolicited advice about your interactions with him,Hope this doesn't offend you if you already know these things, but they're what's worked for me. When i do it..
Should you talk to him before the weekend DO NOT ask any questions, make snide comments or other wise acknowledge you have been told about his potential visitor this weekend. Be cheerful, distracted by the excitment of the weekend with the kids and your own life and only do Happy Cashier Lady. You know, like the cashier at the grocery store? "did you find everything ok?" "that'll be twelve thirty two please." "thanks have a great day"
This is not a game. This is to empower YOU. When you are relaxed, engaged in your own life and utterly not interested in his, you will be living in the opposite mode of scared, angry and hurt. Just smile, discuss only kids and finances and get away quickly--without anger or really a second thought about him--only showing him contentment with your life with the kids the walk away into the fantastic realm of your own life. Fake it till you make it sister.
I've been able to do this now for about a week and am amazed at how quickly my life returns to normal. Yes, I keep slipping and engaging with him, talking about stuff I have no business talking to him about, sleeping with the b*****d, but each time I come back to this: detach detach detach.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Originally Posted by transformyself 
I've been able to do this now for about a week and am amazed at how quickly my life returns to normal. Yes, I keep slipping and engaging with him, talking about stuff I have no business talking to him about, sleeping with the b*****d, but each time I come back to this: detach detach detach.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Should you talk to him before the weekend DO NOT ask any questions, make snide comments or other wise acknowledge you have been told about his potential visitor this weekend.
You would have been so proud of me yesterday. I wanted to make a snide comment, something to the effect of ditching his kids for some skank, but I totally played cheerful cashier lady!
I really liked this that Jadmack said:
Frankly I wish them happy, and a long time together, so he will NEVER, EVER come anywhere near you again, and you will forever be FREE of him.
I feel much better today. I didn't read through old journals again, but I reminisced about all the terrible times, and I just feel that I deserve to be treated so much better. Not just in the obvious ways, like don't f**k my friends, but in the not-so-obvious ways that are harder to describe. It was, overall, not my ideal marriage at all. I can't think of one redeeming thing about it. In fact, I had one foot out the door, and then when he "quit" drinking, I thought all our problems were over. Oh boy, they were just beginning. Anyway, I am happy to be getting divorced, I just get tripped up in petty stuff like this.
By the way, can I just rant a little about how dumb this girl is if she's moving back? She moved away because there are no jobs in her field here. The situation is only getting worse. AH has no job and there's no sign of him getting on any time soon. He rents a room in a house full of bachelors. He's got 2 kids. He's just starting out at community college. Not to mention he's an alcoholic, liar, and cheater. He's also totally exhausting to be around, because he talks and talks and talks about himself the whole time. And she's moving across the country to be with him!? She's not like, deformed or anything. She could get a decent guy if she tried. I just don't get it. Oh, and, her friends here hate her and won't speak with her because of what she did with AH.
Anyway, gah! I just don't get it.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I feel much better today. I didn't read through old journals again, but I reminisced about all the terrible times, and I just feel that I deserve to be treated so much better. Not just in the obvious ways, like don't f**k my friends, but in the not-so-obvious ways that are harder to describe.
I know about these "more subtle" aspects of a loving, respectful relationship because I"ve seen it in friends that I respect, not because I witnessed them first hand from my parents or in my marriage:
Getting sincere, undivided attention from my husband.
My husband is self obsessed. His job, his projects, his hobbies, his thoughts, his drinking. Sure, he can LOOK like he's listening. But he's not. My husband has never read anything I've written, and yet I listened ad nauseum to his woes and stories about work every day. Why? I think so he would like me. That's what I was worried about. I didn't stop to sort out if I like him, because I was so scared he would leave.
Now that he has, I have one word to describe it. Hallelujah!! Fear of and preventing abandonment is NOT love or respect. It's just cold dark fear running my life.
Watching my friend with her husband is amazing. He loves her!. He makes her food, listens to her, converses with her, is present and attentive. They are friends. My AH can't do that.
Ok, your turn..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
XH is the same exact way - totally self-involved. He couldn't even be bothered to read emails I sent him. I'd sit and try to have adult conversation with him and he'd play his guitar the whole time. He'd roll his eyes if I tried to talk to him about my business or any of the other stuff I was into.
One thing that has always been a really sore subject for me is how he treated me when I was sick. When HE was sick, you better believe I made him chicken soup and let him sleep all day. When I was sick, he would sigh and moan and whine if I asked him to do anything. I made my own chicken soup. I took care of the kids. Of course, I usually got sick after taking care of two sick kids, so I was doubly exhausted.
One thing that has always been a really sore subject for me is how he treated me when I was sick. When HE was sick, you better believe I made him chicken soup and let him sleep all day. When I was sick, he would sigh and moan and whine if I asked him to do anything. I made my own chicken soup. I took care of the kids. Of course, I usually got sick after taking care of two sick kids, so I was doubly exhausted.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
wanting, thank you for being so honest.
Many times I keep the focus on myself and my life but when there are triggers I go back to sad and have to brainwash myself to feel better. And sometimes it does not work and I end up sad again.
Its natural. Its mourning. I read somewhere if your psyche didn't think you could come out of this, you would be in shock. But you are not. If you are feeling sad it is a sign your psyche thinks it can deal and trascend this hurt. That you will survive. Sadness, anger, etc. are the mechanisms to achieve that freedom you seek.
I posted this a while ago... there are great comments that helped me a lot !! perhaps they help you too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ess-again.html
If you don't have time to go through it, let me paste you something justtakestime pasted that I thought may help you:
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
December, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a. Not all the time of course------but MOST of the time------ when a later-stage alcoholic leaves his/her spouse-----and "finds" a "new person" that he/she claims is "all wonderful"------ that ALMOST ALWAYS means he has found a new person WHO NOT ONLY WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DRINKING-----BUT WHO WILL DRINK ALCOHOLICALLY WITH HIM.
b. Now------ how does that usually "play out"?
1. They both try to "present to the world" that they are the happiest//sexiest//most compatible//most intimate------- "couple" that ever was.
2. The truth? Behind the scenes-------if he was doing mental abuse to you------- he will continue mental abuse to her too--------BUT IN PROBABLY A DIFFERENT FORM.
If you liked silence, he talked all the time, following you and not even letting you sleep.
If SHE likes talking and can't stand silence--------he's gives her the silent treatment.
3. The truth? MOST relationships like that (where both are alcoholic), end up with some kind of physical violence.
Why? Both have their left frontal lobes of their brains chronically toxic. That means their judgment of reality is skewed------------AND they either lack or greatly lost their "internal stop signs"-------those 'stop signs' that normal people act on, where they don't act out physically, even if they feel like it.
4. Women alcoholics "get sicker quicker than men". If a woman alcoholic is 35 years old, her alcoholism is as advanced as a man around 50. If you add 12-15-18 years to the actual age of a woman------ and if the woman is alcoholic, her disease progresses MUCH faster than does a male alcoholic.
5. He will probably get tired of her----------much quicker than one can imagine.
Almost EVERYONE I tell this------says to me, "oh no Toby! He'll never get tired of her!"
Well-------he may even marry her------but the chances are, that he will divorce her------------and then come back to you and knock on your door and say, "hi babe! how ya doing?" -------as if he never left.
THAT is what I was writing about when I wrote in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, "it's hard to lose an alcoholic".
c. I do realize that it is SO hard to fathom that "this" alcoholic (yours) will come back......and drop that woman in a heartbeat.
Almost everyone says, "well, it's been months now-------or a year or more"........... etc etc............ but give it time.
In my professional experience (over 30 years of training counselors and writing the "Getting Them Sober" books and helping families through this awfulness--------- more than 95% of them have returned.
If you want them.
(They have 'radar'-------- they usually wait until you have just about given up all hope OR INTEREST in them coming back.........and then comes the proverbial knock on the door.)
Now------- there will be some people who say, "well, MINE never came back."
Yes, it is not 100%. But it sure is close to that.
c. Now------why is this important to know all this? Because it takes away much of the panic that we naturally feel when first abandoned. In the first weeks//months after he left it is NORMAL to obsess and feel awful. And this knowledge DOES help to calm down to some degree-----knowing that "she" is a temporary "animal comfort" in his life.
The more we can know facts like this---the faster our healing.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I felt so tortured by the thought of ex and his new life.
I thought everything was unfair!
He earns more and does NOTHING. I work my a$$ off, with frequent night shifts.
He had the time of his life while I was sick of crying and hurting and mourning.
He had someone else and friends. I had no one.
He did not hear about me EVER. While he was showing off everywhere I was silent and discrete about my whereabouts.
But you will understand one day that if he is happy, sad, drinking his a$$ off, cutting down, indifferent, WHATEVER, it makes NO DIFFERENCE in your life !! this world is abundant and God/HP made enough joy and good times for YOU.
I saw a wonderful sunset the other day and it sank in... no one ever can take away the joy I feel watching the changing colors of the sky. And so on with anything else I, TC999, enjoy thoroughly.
Also, we sometimes think happiness means the same for everyone.
What is happiness for YOU?
- sleeping next to someone you think you know, then out of the blue living your worst nightmare when Hyde is finally let out of the cage. (it didn't go anywhere, its just better concealed. for now. waiting for the best moment to destroy.)
OR
- sleeping with your furry pet or teddy bear.
- going out for a drink with friends. end up with a drunkard picking fights with you, stuck with the idea HE has to DRIVE - nope, the fact you could lose your LIFE doesnt matter- waking up feeling shame. and guilt because you may have triggered something. spending the whole day hearing empty promises and apologies. dreading the next time. meanwhile: walking on eggshells.
OR
- going out for a drink with friends. arriving home safely. waking up smiling the next day, because you had fun and keep good memories.
- dreading the weekends and holidays.
OR
- looking forward to the weekends and holidays.
- silence. a cup of tea. a good book.
OR
- never ending noise. never ending chit chatter. never ending distractions.
- constant stress by trying to convince the other you are worth something.
OR
- relaxation and keeping company with people that SEE YOU for who you are and cherish you. no "efforts". no need to demonstrate anything to anyone.
- having a partner that consider you his personal slave. or a doormat if you are lucky. who loves what you DO for him and what you make him FEEL. he does not love you for who you are. and the moment you dont comform with his ideals, out you go. and if he can, he will put his new wonderful life in your face so you are convinced it was you, not him, never him. NEVER.
OR
- having a partner willing to meet you halfway. or if he is unwilling, able to say "hey, sorry it didnt work out. wish you all the best. sorry if i ever caused a bad time"
-being around a zombie whose only talk is either HIM, his favorite drink, or where the drinking spot will be tonight. oh and who looked hot today.
OR
-being around human beings, capable to talk about culture, sports, arts, history, travel, spirituality, religion, pets, astronomy, news, etc. etc.
When I remember my happiness involves silence and yoga, it makes it easier for me to let go of others, who cares if they claim they are having the time of their life drinking, partying, or whatever. That is not what I enjoy. That is soooooo not what I like to do. That is not joy for me. And having a partner that does not make me #1 priority ... - it will always be him and alcohol first- why would I envy that?
As LTD says: magical thinking can torture you without end. If you indeed look at REALITY - it is crystal clear. And suffering subsides.
E.g.
I see ex smiling, well I can think he is this great person back again. Or I can see REALITY and say "he is probably drunk, wouldn't be the first time he is drunk in the office"
I can see them together and I can think "he left me for her, he changed for her, that is real love"
OR
I can see REALITY and say "I would not put up with abuse. its not my business if someone else accepts frequent verbal abuse or more and finds it normal. its not my problem if someone finds a great partner in a drinking jerk"
Another thought that helps me is "am I willing to put up with verbal abuse? am I willing to drink alcoholically? I am willing to make alcohol my Personal God?" NO. End of story.
Magical thinking involves imagining someone else's life - you are not there and you don't know what it is like. For all you know he may have already abused her, and she doesn't think she deserves any better so she stays. You don't know. In reality, people that do not take time to mourn repeat the same mistakes, only with a higher toll. That is life.
And I believe this because I have gone from guy to guy, always the same losers and always the same pain. None of them were the solution to anything and by the end I had to face myself.
There is no way out. I had to obsess horribly about ex and his lover to be DONE and stop it, know I did not deserve that torture. Hope you arrive to that conclusion soon.
I wish you the best!
PS Its great you can see what you did for someone and how they reacted towards you in the same situation. That way we can restrain from giving more than we are receiving. Great progress!!!! :ghug3
Many times I keep the focus on myself and my life but when there are triggers I go back to sad and have to brainwash myself to feel better. And sometimes it does not work and I end up sad again.
Its natural. Its mourning. I read somewhere if your psyche didn't think you could come out of this, you would be in shock. But you are not. If you are feeling sad it is a sign your psyche thinks it can deal and trascend this hurt. That you will survive. Sadness, anger, etc. are the mechanisms to achieve that freedom you seek.
I posted this a while ago... there are great comments that helped me a lot !! perhaps they help you too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ess-again.html
If you don't have time to go through it, let me paste you something justtakestime pasted that I thought may help you:
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
December, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a. Not all the time of course------but MOST of the time------ when a later-stage alcoholic leaves his/her spouse-----and "finds" a "new person" that he/she claims is "all wonderful"------ that ALMOST ALWAYS means he has found a new person WHO NOT ONLY WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DRINKING-----BUT WHO WILL DRINK ALCOHOLICALLY WITH HIM.
b. Now------ how does that usually "play out"?
1. They both try to "present to the world" that they are the happiest//sexiest//most compatible//most intimate------- "couple" that ever was.
2. The truth? Behind the scenes-------if he was doing mental abuse to you------- he will continue mental abuse to her too--------BUT IN PROBABLY A DIFFERENT FORM.
If you liked silence, he talked all the time, following you and not even letting you sleep.
If SHE likes talking and can't stand silence--------he's gives her the silent treatment.
3. The truth? MOST relationships like that (where both are alcoholic), end up with some kind of physical violence.
Why? Both have their left frontal lobes of their brains chronically toxic. That means their judgment of reality is skewed------------AND they either lack or greatly lost their "internal stop signs"-------those 'stop signs' that normal people act on, where they don't act out physically, even if they feel like it.
4. Women alcoholics "get sicker quicker than men". If a woman alcoholic is 35 years old, her alcoholism is as advanced as a man around 50. If you add 12-15-18 years to the actual age of a woman------ and if the woman is alcoholic, her disease progresses MUCH faster than does a male alcoholic.
5. He will probably get tired of her----------much quicker than one can imagine.
Almost EVERYONE I tell this------says to me, "oh no Toby! He'll never get tired of her!"
Well-------he may even marry her------but the chances are, that he will divorce her------------and then come back to you and knock on your door and say, "hi babe! how ya doing?" -------as if he never left.
THAT is what I was writing about when I wrote in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, "it's hard to lose an alcoholic".
c. I do realize that it is SO hard to fathom that "this" alcoholic (yours) will come back......and drop that woman in a heartbeat.
Almost everyone says, "well, it's been months now-------or a year or more"........... etc etc............ but give it time.
In my professional experience (over 30 years of training counselors and writing the "Getting Them Sober" books and helping families through this awfulness--------- more than 95% of them have returned.
If you want them.
(They have 'radar'-------- they usually wait until you have just about given up all hope OR INTEREST in them coming back.........and then comes the proverbial knock on the door.)
Now------- there will be some people who say, "well, MINE never came back."
Yes, it is not 100%. But it sure is close to that.
c. Now------why is this important to know all this? Because it takes away much of the panic that we naturally feel when first abandoned. In the first weeks//months after he left it is NORMAL to obsess and feel awful. And this knowledge DOES help to calm down to some degree-----knowing that "she" is a temporary "animal comfort" in his life.
The more we can know facts like this---the faster our healing.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
I felt so tortured by the thought of ex and his new life.
I thought everything was unfair!
He earns more and does NOTHING. I work my a$$ off, with frequent night shifts.
He had the time of his life while I was sick of crying and hurting and mourning.
He had someone else and friends. I had no one.
He did not hear about me EVER. While he was showing off everywhere I was silent and discrete about my whereabouts.
But you will understand one day that if he is happy, sad, drinking his a$$ off, cutting down, indifferent, WHATEVER, it makes NO DIFFERENCE in your life !! this world is abundant and God/HP made enough joy and good times for YOU.
I saw a wonderful sunset the other day and it sank in... no one ever can take away the joy I feel watching the changing colors of the sky. And so on with anything else I, TC999, enjoy thoroughly.
Also, we sometimes think happiness means the same for everyone.
What is happiness for YOU?
- sleeping next to someone you think you know, then out of the blue living your worst nightmare when Hyde is finally let out of the cage. (it didn't go anywhere, its just better concealed. for now. waiting for the best moment to destroy.)
OR
- sleeping with your furry pet or teddy bear.
- going out for a drink with friends. end up with a drunkard picking fights with you, stuck with the idea HE has to DRIVE - nope, the fact you could lose your LIFE doesnt matter- waking up feeling shame. and guilt because you may have triggered something. spending the whole day hearing empty promises and apologies. dreading the next time. meanwhile: walking on eggshells.
OR
- going out for a drink with friends. arriving home safely. waking up smiling the next day, because you had fun and keep good memories.
- dreading the weekends and holidays.
OR
- looking forward to the weekends and holidays.
- silence. a cup of tea. a good book.
OR
- never ending noise. never ending chit chatter. never ending distractions.
- constant stress by trying to convince the other you are worth something.
OR
- relaxation and keeping company with people that SEE YOU for who you are and cherish you. no "efforts". no need to demonstrate anything to anyone.
- having a partner that consider you his personal slave. or a doormat if you are lucky. who loves what you DO for him and what you make him FEEL. he does not love you for who you are. and the moment you dont comform with his ideals, out you go. and if he can, he will put his new wonderful life in your face so you are convinced it was you, not him, never him. NEVER.
OR
- having a partner willing to meet you halfway. or if he is unwilling, able to say "hey, sorry it didnt work out. wish you all the best. sorry if i ever caused a bad time"
-being around a zombie whose only talk is either HIM, his favorite drink, or where the drinking spot will be tonight. oh and who looked hot today.
OR
-being around human beings, capable to talk about culture, sports, arts, history, travel, spirituality, religion, pets, astronomy, news, etc. etc.
When I remember my happiness involves silence and yoga, it makes it easier for me to let go of others, who cares if they claim they are having the time of their life drinking, partying, or whatever. That is not what I enjoy. That is soooooo not what I like to do. That is not joy for me. And having a partner that does not make me #1 priority ... - it will always be him and alcohol first- why would I envy that?
As LTD says: magical thinking can torture you without end. If you indeed look at REALITY - it is crystal clear. And suffering subsides.
E.g.
I see ex smiling, well I can think he is this great person back again. Or I can see REALITY and say "he is probably drunk, wouldn't be the first time he is drunk in the office"
I can see them together and I can think "he left me for her, he changed for her, that is real love"
OR
I can see REALITY and say "I would not put up with abuse. its not my business if someone else accepts frequent verbal abuse or more and finds it normal. its not my problem if someone finds a great partner in a drinking jerk"
Another thought that helps me is "am I willing to put up with verbal abuse? am I willing to drink alcoholically? I am willing to make alcohol my Personal God?" NO. End of story.
Magical thinking involves imagining someone else's life - you are not there and you don't know what it is like. For all you know he may have already abused her, and she doesn't think she deserves any better so she stays. You don't know. In reality, people that do not take time to mourn repeat the same mistakes, only with a higher toll. That is life.
And I believe this because I have gone from guy to guy, always the same losers and always the same pain. None of them were the solution to anything and by the end I had to face myself.
There is no way out. I had to obsess horribly about ex and his lover to be DONE and stop it, know I did not deserve that torture. Hope you arrive to that conclusion soon.
I wish you the best!
PS Its great you can see what you did for someone and how they reacted towards you in the same situation. That way we can restrain from giving more than we are receiving. Great progress!!!! :ghug3
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Like Jadmack I hope he goes somewhere else and never comes back to you. So you are not tempted to hell again.
But I trust even if he comes back, you will be soooo farrrrr in your recovery you will laugh so hard you will cry The other day I was very close to this guy and my stomach TURNED... I believe I am getting the correct response to the stressor now. I literally feel sick. "LEAVE! LEAVE ASAP!" is my body's reaction. Great. That is what I need, LOL.
What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?
But I trust even if he comes back, you will be soooo farrrrr in your recovery you will laugh so hard you will cry
The other day I was very close to this guy and my stomach TURNED... I believe I am getting the correct response to the stressor now. I literally feel sick. "LEAVE! LEAVE ASAP!" is my body's reaction. Great. That is what I need, LOL.What are your plans for the upcoming weekend?
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