abcdefg

I'm looking for experience, strength and hope for what you do when you feel/are lonely.

I am feeling lonely. I went to a meeting and that was a huge help but I'm wondering what suggestions anyone might have for how to deal with the feelings.

I just don't know what to do with myself. I wish I didn't feel this way because I feel like it doesn't help. I have lots of friends, plenty of activity, so I realize this must be my head working up this problem...

freya

How's your relationship with your HP????

Sometimes we've just got to feel our feelings -- but if a negative or disturbing feeling seems to be holding me hostage for no discernible reason or for an unusually long time, then usually that's a good indication that I need to work on my connection with and my trust in HP.

freya

FreeBird09

Loneliness ...... umm.. use to be a best friend of mine!!.

I reach out to my HP. I cry and let myself feel. I journal my thoughts, no matter how hateful and absurd they may be at the time. I punch and kick a punching bag crying my heart and soul out.

Meditation, talking (to yourself, or others), walking, and just letting yourself be YOU.. will let the loneliness slip away into an awakening. I found that I was never alone, it was all a state of mind.

Stick around here, SR is a great place to be.

abcdefg

Thanks, freya.

I think that's really it. HP right here for me but I don't think I made much conscious contact today.

I know I'm never alone. Truly.

Still Waters

And I read too, something totally fictional and upbeat - that takes me and my mind away from the stresses of the day.

trapeze

If I'm lucky, I'm where I can have a good cry. It helps me to get rid of some negative energy. I read, journal, and come here. Sometimes I have to reach for the chocolate.

I'm also working on a plan to get involved in positive activities so that the loneliness comes less often.

Live

I married young and then divorced after 17 years of marriage.
At times I thought I would die of the loneliness.
Then, I began to love my total freedom....I dated, but stayed single for 13 years before re-marrying and I didn't intend to change my life around then. That relationship broke up after only 5 years, but I know now it was due to illness....physical illness being treated wrongly.
I had no intention of meeting anyone for some time..but unexpectedly, I did.
But, I still maintain ...as does he, he has never been married and had quit even dating...our own selves, freedoms, independence, interests etc within a committed relationship.
I wouldn't suggest you neglect having a social life....but with time, your time with yourself can be a time of great discoveries, finding who you really are, what you like and how you like to live....unencumbered by blending your home and life to suit someone else as much as yourself.
My mom tried to marry me off for all those 13 years, she finally decided I had become set in my ways. Yep. They were truly MY WAYS and I loved that.
But it took time, alot of time......trial and error, mistakes, grieving....a lengthy process, but certainly well worth it to me.
It was my chance to put all the focus on me.

Live

yes, Trapeze....go and experiment with things you think you might be or could be interested in.....it is trial and error...some things won't click and others will take off well and lead to many other directions and opportunities. Expand your options,,,,feel free to experiment...take what you like and leave the rest!

sclarke64448

What a wonderful thread - one that shows that when you're feeling lonely, even though we can't be with you physically, we will do our best to be with you emotionally. ABC I never ever had time to be lonely when I was with my ex. I never had a second of peace to myself. When he left there was just this huge void in my life. The fact he lived 30 miles away and didn't drive, and the fact I work long hours and go to the gym, also helped. But Freya is right, you just have to work through those feelings and feel them. I have to say much as though I didn't want my relationship with my xabf to finish and hated all the extra time I had, I have learned to enjoy being with myself. Sure I see a lot of my friends (and family) but you can't impose yourself upon people all the time - they all have their own lives. But it doesn't seem that long ago that when I was with my xabf I was crying out for a weekend away from him so I could catch up on some of the things I wanted to do by myself. Do you know it's been five months since we spent a weekend together and I'm still catching up on those things. If you try you really can learn to be happy in your own company. And if you need someone to talk to, there's some great people on here :-)

Redux

Oh I KNEW I liked you instantly!!!

There is loneliness, but then there is the fear of being lonely and I think the latter is much worse than the actual loneliness.

Try to throw away your preconceived notions about being alone. Recognize that being alone and being lonely are two VERY different things. You can be lonely and in a crowd of people. Or you can be alone and be happy. They're not the same.

I'm also kind of re-embracing my "alone-ness". I make myself spend time with my friends when I can, and I spend lots and lots of time enjoying my children. And frankly in the last couple of days I've discovered that this place can really help an attack of the lonelies.

Don't be afraid to be alone. Embrace it. Look for the benefits. Here is a list of the things that I personally like about being alone:

1. You get to sleep alone. Yes that's right - you GET to sleep alone. Nobody hitting you with a long cold toenail in the middle of the night. Nobody waking you up with a SBD fart. You can stretch all across the bed and have every single bit to yourself. No, it's not as good as sex but it's a hell of a lot better than having to share it with a snoring drunk who farts.

2. Same thing but about the bathroom. No stinky drunk in your bathroom.

3. Shoes. You don't have to answer to anyone but your credit score about the way you choose to spend your money. Shoes are definitely key.

4. You get to set all the rules. If you want the basement door closed all the time, so be it. If you want the forks put in the left hand drawer, it's all yours.



Now I'm not saying that being alone is better than being in a good relationship. But it ROCKS compared to having to live with a stinky drunk.

Make your own list as an exercise - list all of the things you like about being alone. Don't do it while you're feeling sorry for yourself. Do it during a positive moment. It will make that positive moment grow into something more than just a moment.:day6

Learn2Live

I'm actually having fun lately talking to old friends from high school on FB. Never thought I'd say that but it's true. I'm sure the novelty will wear off soon but I feel less lonely. Also, the longer I am No Contact with the alcoholic, drug-addicted person, the less lonely I feel.

trapeze

I'm sleeping in the middle of a king size bed for the first time ever. And I mean the middle. Very decadent. I've moved stuff around in the closets and have taken up both sinks in the bathroom. One for the hair dryer, one for other stuff. I'm smiling thinking about it!

I've had fun with old friends on FB. Much more fun than I thought I would.

abcdefg

Oh, my gosh, you guys are all wonderful. Thank you so much for this great feedback. AND for making me laugh! I love when that happens.

abc

intheknow

I totally get lonely! And I do like to be alone, and do things alone. But my marriage was lonely, and now being separated for the last 6 weeks is lonely.

I agree with everyone here that FB does wonders for me. I can catch up quickly with friends I don't get to see all the time.

And I am liking what I am reading about trying new things...I think I need to make a bucket list.

Free108

I get lonely too, but I was also very lonely in my relationship and I think it's actually easier to be alone when you are not in a relationship because you're not expecting anything else!
Oh my goodness, I had forgotten the stinky drunk farts. I'm so glad you reminded me! Gross! And the stinky bathroom(s). Thanks for that!

Jadmack25

My RABF and I have our own units in the same complex, share meals at each other's place and tho we co-own a car, have no joint finances or commitments...it is perfect.

He needs the whole bed, that's fine as he has HIS queen size just as I have mine to sleep comfortably in.

No-one farting, burping, snoring (only my own)
No icy foot in the small of my back
No-one tossing and turning, pinching blankets

No TV on in the middle of the night because he can't sleep.

If I want to read in bed at 2am I DO

Bathroom drawers belong to MY toiletries, and no residue in basin after his shaving

Toilet seat stays DOWN, no icy bowl under bum in middle of the night

Can be on computer when I want, and play MY music as I please

I can leave dentures out, and go around in bra and knickers without scaring him out of his wits at the sight of a "naked witch" running around

I get the hugs, cuddles and his company, but the space and solitude also, so I have the best of both worlds.

For me, lonliness is a state of mind.....and I don't live in that state anymore.

God bless

FreeBird09

mellane...... bucket list! I am making one today!. ;-)

Cowgirl1265

I am using my loneliness as a motivator to connect with my HP in a very meaningful way. I know that I am not nearly ready to start seeking a romantic relationship. I also joined the choir at my church and so have plans two nights a week between meetings and choir practice; the rest of the time is spent with my kids, and on my kidless Fridays I either read or watch movies. I have also reached out to some women I know at work and we are having a get together at my house next month. I'm looking forward to that very much.

coyote21

Amen. By the way, what is this "good relationship" you speak of?

I don't get much chance to be alone anymore, 8yo little girls are pretty good company, and all their extra curricular activities keep old dads on their toes. I am truly having the time of my life raising this kid. I am very blessed.

An unexpected benefit is, I get to meet/talk to lots of other "moms" that I wouldn't get to if not for LMC. Dads to of course, but mostly moms! It's been very nice, kinda brought me outta my shell, as I tend to be fairly shy.

When she's not around, during summer visitation, Christmas holidays, spring break, I relish the aloneness! I do miss her, but alone time rocks.

I've never been particularly lonely, I'm kind of a loner anyway.

I will say this, the most lonely I've ever felt was with my wasted wife sitting next to me on the porch.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

P.S. Axw has been gone for 3 years, I'm still enjoying being single. No dating (well one), no hassles, no drama, no BS. I like it. Liveweyerd's and Jadmack's setups sound ideal.

Still Waters

You know, anything is better than living with an out of control insane alcoholic/dry drunk. I'm sharing a tiny room with a teenager, and it's heaven compared to living with my AH. I have basically the clothes on my back and a computer, and it's heaven compared to living the way I was.

There is no such thing as lonely for me, there is just time that I haven't learned to fill up yet. I love being alone, and having total peace and quiet. It's a true gift for me.