I leave this week-end
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
I leave this week-end
After much hesitation on my part, I've finally decided it was time to jump ship. I had been planning on a nice, leisurely move in January, with a nice amicable separation from STBX, but things went downhill this week-end, as my last post indicates.
There were no fireworks or grand old arguments. STBX simply told me that he expected me to draft an agreement granting him equal shared custody of our daughter, even though we agreed that she is far too young for overnights with him. He didn't threaten or anything; he just said "there's no way you're leaving without signing that agreement." Of course, he fails to recognize that he's got an alcohol problem, so he thinks there's no problem at all with being given custody. Nevermind that he's got anger management issues, yells and cusses constantly, and may well have some kind of mental disease (whether schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, I don't know)...Needless to say, I got scared.
To make matters worse, I got some nasty calls from various utilities companies, informing me that the bills STBX was supposed to pay have been left unpaid for several months, and they are of course in my name. I've gone ahead and shut down all these accounts, leaving STBX to reactivate the service if he can (apparently he already did make arrangements for hydro and gas), and have made payment arrangements with all these companies.
All this made me feel like I was falling apart, and my emotional instability is finally what prompted me to accept my parents' offer to take me in, for however long it'll take to get me back on my feet.
So, it's time to run. STBX will be away this week-end at which point I'll take the opportunity to move all my things out. An uncle has come out of the woodwork to provide me with a van to move. He's aware of what's happening, but either doesn't care or can't figure out how to prevent it. He won't be seeing my daughter until I can get some legal advice and get some kind of order of protection in place.
Finallt, I've had to make my peace with not being my stepson's savior. I so wanted to do right by him with this separation, but it's become apparent that I need some help myself and I just can't save everybody. It makes me sad, but I'm trying really hard to let my HP take care of him. I had a long talk with him, told him I wasn't abandoning him but that I needed to take care of myself. I asked him to call me if things got "out of hand" with his father, and told him he was welcome to come to my parents' house when he needed or wanted to, despite the fact that it's pretty far to travel. Because he's my stepson, and because both his parents are alive, I have no legal rights to him, unfortunately, so all I can is offer him help if he needs it. I'll be contacting his mother today to inform her of the situation.
So, that's what's happening right now. I'm really not looking forward to having to drag my baby through the Montreal subway and cross the city everyday to bring her to her fabulous daycare, but if it's what it takes for her to be in a safe place, I'll do it.
There were no fireworks or grand old arguments. STBX simply told me that he expected me to draft an agreement granting him equal shared custody of our daughter, even though we agreed that she is far too young for overnights with him. He didn't threaten or anything; he just said "there's no way you're leaving without signing that agreement." Of course, he fails to recognize that he's got an alcohol problem, so he thinks there's no problem at all with being given custody. Nevermind that he's got anger management issues, yells and cusses constantly, and may well have some kind of mental disease (whether schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, I don't know)...Needless to say, I got scared.
To make matters worse, I got some nasty calls from various utilities companies, informing me that the bills STBX was supposed to pay have been left unpaid for several months, and they are of course in my name. I've gone ahead and shut down all these accounts, leaving STBX to reactivate the service if he can (apparently he already did make arrangements for hydro and gas), and have made payment arrangements with all these companies.
All this made me feel like I was falling apart, and my emotional instability is finally what prompted me to accept my parents' offer to take me in, for however long it'll take to get me back on my feet.
So, it's time to run. STBX will be away this week-end at which point I'll take the opportunity to move all my things out. An uncle has come out of the woodwork to provide me with a van to move. He's aware of what's happening, but either doesn't care or can't figure out how to prevent it. He won't be seeing my daughter until I can get some legal advice and get some kind of order of protection in place.
Finallt, I've had to make my peace with not being my stepson's savior. I so wanted to do right by him with this separation, but it's become apparent that I need some help myself and I just can't save everybody. It makes me sad, but I'm trying really hard to let my HP take care of him. I had a long talk with him, told him I wasn't abandoning him but that I needed to take care of myself. I asked him to call me if things got "out of hand" with his father, and told him he was welcome to come to my parents' house when he needed or wanted to, despite the fact that it's pretty far to travel. Because he's my stepson, and because both his parents are alive, I have no legal rights to him, unfortunately, so all I can is offer him help if he needs it. I'll be contacting his mother today to inform her of the situation.
So, that's what's happening right now. I'm really not looking forward to having to drag my baby through the Montreal subway and cross the city everyday to bring her to her fabulous daycare, but if it's what it takes for her to be in a safe place, I'll do it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Can you draft the agreement with a clause that stipulates that there be no alcohol allowed by either party while caring for your daughter?
Mine reads that way. It is up to me to police that if needed, but it is there for the protection of my children.
Peace and hugs to you as you begin a new phase of your life.
Mine reads that way. It is up to me to police that if needed, but it is there for the protection of my children.
Peace and hugs to you as you begin a new phase of your life.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers ITI as you make this enormous step. I know it is hard, but sounds like your HP is helping things fall into place.
Nowhere to go but up! Oh, and re: daycare? If its a terrific daycare it may well be worth it, but give yourself permission to check out other daycare closer to where you will be living. I've had to move my kids on occasion and they always adjusted better than I thought they would - and I've always been able to find a place that was good. Its not a bad idea to limit the amount of stress you add to yourself right now.
Nowhere to go but up! Oh, and re: daycare? If its a terrific daycare it may well be worth it, but give yourself permission to check out other daycare closer to where you will be living. I've had to move my kids on occasion and they always adjusted better than I thought they would - and I've always been able to find a place that was good. Its not a bad idea to limit the amount of stress you add to yourself right now.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
You are doing the right thing for yourself and your daughter, and I am glowing with respect for you. Getting out of an irresponsible, abusive, worsening situation takes courage - I'm glad you've decided on sooner rather than later. A lot can happen between now and later.
Hugs, strength, and courage
Hugs, strength, and courage
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 741
Just my advice - I had to do this so I know...
Have a plan in place as to what you might do if your hubby's weekend plans change and he either doesn't leave for the weekend or comes home unexpectedly. Make sure someone else is there (maybe even the police) just to ensure peacefullness and to have a witness to any crazy BS that may occur.
Also, don't be afraid to let your daughter's teachers, doctors, etc. know that you are splitting. Change the school records if you can to show that only you are allowed to pick her up from school or go on field trips and such. Since you are both her legal parents I don't know how much good you can do with this one, but just tell the school very discreetly that he is not of his right mind and therefore not to be picking her up. And if she starts to act out in class, this will also give them some idea as to what is going on and how to react to it.
Have a plan in place as to what you might do if your hubby's weekend plans change and he either doesn't leave for the weekend or comes home unexpectedly. Make sure someone else is there (maybe even the police) just to ensure peacefullness and to have a witness to any crazy BS that may occur.
Also, don't be afraid to let your daughter's teachers, doctors, etc. know that you are splitting. Change the school records if you can to show that only you are allowed to pick her up from school or go on field trips and such. Since you are both her legal parents I don't know how much good you can do with this one, but just tell the school very discreetly that he is not of his right mind and therefore not to be picking her up. And if she starts to act out in class, this will also give them some idea as to what is going on and how to react to it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
DirtMagnet...I've already got my parents and my uncle who will be there helping with the move, and there's also my daughter's regular daycare worker who has volunteered to come watch her the day of the move, so I don't think STBX is going to make an appearance.
As for the daycare issue, I'm starting to look for another one, but I'm honestly worried about changing the daycare for somewhere more convenient for ME. In order to leave, I had to lie and manipulate a lot, making false promises left right and center. I promised STBX that he would be able to go pick up my daughter from her daycare sometimes...if I suddenly change her daycare to someplace inconvenient, he'll cry "foul" and start making trouble. I'm really not feeling up to dealing with any kind of drama from him right now, but I also want my daughter to see her dad. Despite his crumminess, she loves him a lot; I can see that. I sort of feel frozen in place where the daycare issue is concerned. Thankfully, my awesome parents have offered to go pick her up for me a few days a week each, making my commute back home a lot easier.
As for the daycare issue, I'm starting to look for another one, but I'm honestly worried about changing the daycare for somewhere more convenient for ME. In order to leave, I had to lie and manipulate a lot, making false promises left right and center. I promised STBX that he would be able to go pick up my daughter from her daycare sometimes...if I suddenly change her daycare to someplace inconvenient, he'll cry "foul" and start making trouble. I'm really not feeling up to dealing with any kind of drama from him right now, but I also want my daughter to see her dad. Despite his crumminess, she loves him a lot; I can see that. I sort of feel frozen in place where the daycare issue is concerned. Thankfully, my awesome parents have offered to go pick her up for me a few days a week each, making my commute back home a lot easier.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
imtheidiot -
Bravo to you for making such a tough decision and doing all you can to get it done. Goodness knows I was in the same boat twice in the last four months. First, I had to put my head down do a lot schlepping and inconvenient arrangements to get away. I was resentful of the fact that he seemed to have it so easy. Fell into a job and housing with my codie help and made a couple trips to take what he wanted. I had to dispose of what he left behind. I packed up a big truck, three cats, two dogs, and a car in tow and made the journey 7 hours to room with a friend.
Then I had to leave my friend's home at her insistance out of the blue and now I have to spend more hours out of my day schlepping back and forth to care for my horses across town and I'm living with all my pets in one big room.
But you know, after all this, I still find myself looking on the bright side of things, and that's what recovery will give you.
Roll with the changes because this too shall pass. When you are away and safe, he'll kick scream to keep you in his life or he'll use seeing the baby as an excuse to get something from you. Stay strong and just keep looking out for what is best for you and your baby. He will struggle at first, but Addicts have a way of landing on someone else's doorstep eventually (either a new enabler, rehab, or with their HP).
I'm with you in spirit!!
Alice
Bravo to you for making such a tough decision and doing all you can to get it done. Goodness knows I was in the same boat twice in the last four months. First, I had to put my head down do a lot schlepping and inconvenient arrangements to get away. I was resentful of the fact that he seemed to have it so easy. Fell into a job and housing with my codie help and made a couple trips to take what he wanted. I had to dispose of what he left behind. I packed up a big truck, three cats, two dogs, and a car in tow and made the journey 7 hours to room with a friend.
Then I had to leave my friend's home at her insistance out of the blue and now I have to spend more hours out of my day schlepping back and forth to care for my horses across town and I'm living with all my pets in one big room.
But you know, after all this, I still find myself looking on the bright side of things, and that's what recovery will give you.
Roll with the changes because this too shall pass. When you are away and safe, he'll kick scream to keep you in his life or he'll use seeing the baby as an excuse to get something from you. Stay strong and just keep looking out for what is best for you and your baby. He will struggle at first, but Addicts have a way of landing on someone else's doorstep eventually (either a new enabler, rehab, or with their HP).
I'm with you in spirit!!
Alice
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
This is amazing! You're escaping! I'm so glad. You can do this, you are strong. Everyone here has great advice, mine is to keep that list of reality based things he has done, is doing and will do on hand in case denial or magical thinking starts to creep in.
And, you're doing the best possible thing for your daughter. Of course she loves him, she's a baby. But she would also love to eat candy three times a day but you would never let her do that because it's not healthy.
There will be other adults that she will love as well. She'll have two doting grandparents!
Hugs, and sending you strength.
And, you're doing the best possible thing for your daughter. Of course she loves him, she's a baby. But she would also love to eat candy three times a day but you would never let her do that because it's not healthy.
There will be other adults that she will love as well. She'll have two doting grandparents!
Hugs, and sending you strength.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
As for the daycare issue, I'm starting to look for another one, but I'm honestly worried about changing the daycare for somewhere more convenient for ME.
Why? Isn't this what you need to teach your daughter? to adapt to change and make her life as easy and hassle-free as possible? I agree with above posters, you can check out closer day cares and if one convinces you... you have no reason to feel guilty... AT ALL.
When my parents divorced my dad came to Mexico all the way from Indonesia where he was working at that time. If your soon ex partner (thank God you are soon out of his madness) makes any excuse not to see her, it will be his decision, any parent that loves his or her child would travel until the end of the world for a minute together IMHO.
Besides, the very reason they won't be together anymore is because HE is toxic to you and your daughter. You are doing the right thing. Maybe you can seek legal advice regarding this, so you are reassured you can change your opinion about daycare in preparation for your new life...
Remember you no longer need to be afraid. How ironic, he makes his family unsafe yet wants everything on a silver plate for HIM to be comfortable? And who has been worried about YOU? did he ever thought you moving out would be an emotional, legal and financial struggle? you need to think of you and your daughter.. that's all.
I'll be sending you good vibes!!! I am very proud of you!! Takes GUTS to do what you are doing now.
Why? Isn't this what you need to teach your daughter? to adapt to change and make her life as easy and hassle-free as possible? I agree with above posters, you can check out closer day cares and if one convinces you... you have no reason to feel guilty... AT ALL.
When my parents divorced my dad came to Mexico all the way from Indonesia where he was working at that time. If your soon ex partner (thank God you are soon out of his madness) makes any excuse not to see her, it will be his decision, any parent that loves his or her child would travel until the end of the world for a minute together IMHO.
Besides, the very reason they won't be together anymore is because HE is toxic to you and your daughter. You are doing the right thing. Maybe you can seek legal advice regarding this, so you are reassured you can change your opinion about daycare in preparation for your new life...
Remember you no longer need to be afraid. How ironic, he makes his family unsafe yet wants everything on a silver plate for HIM to be comfortable? And who has been worried about YOU? did he ever thought you moving out would be an emotional, legal and financial struggle? you need to think of you and your daughter.. that's all.
I'll be sending you good vibes!!! I am very proud of you!! Takes GUTS to do what you are doing now.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Just wanted to second (fifteenth?) everyone here, good for you, I know this is not how you pictured your life, not what you wanted to do, but you are taking the situation as it is and dealing with that.
Re the daycare: finding out about options closer to you doesn't force a decision, and if he thinks he can pick her up but you're not going to allow that without legal advice, then having options for where she will can go otherwise would be useful.
You are in my thoughts this weekend,
XX
Re the daycare: finding out about options closer to you doesn't force a decision, and if he thinks he can pick her up but you're not going to allow that without legal advice, then having options for where she will can go otherwise would be useful.
You are in my thoughts this weekend,
XX
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I will be thinking of you, and of course praying that all goes well and according to plan.
It is so hard for you to have to take this big step, going thru the hassles of a move and all he does is to quack and squawk about his wants and demands.
He gives you orders when he can't even be responsible for his own actions or pay his bills, nor accept his own faults, failings or limitations as a husband and father. He takes the easy way out all these years, and wants you to arrange daycare etc, to make it easy for him, no matter if it is darn hard for you.
Won't it be sheer bliss to be away from this selfish, selfcentred, angry man?
Good luck and God bless
It is so hard for you to have to take this big step, going thru the hassles of a move and all he does is to quack and squawk about his wants and demands.
He gives you orders when he can't even be responsible for his own actions or pay his bills, nor accept his own faults, failings or limitations as a husband and father. He takes the easy way out all these years, and wants you to arrange daycare etc, to make it easy for him, no matter if it is darn hard for you.
Won't it be sheer bliss to be away from this selfish, selfcentred, angry man?
Good luck and God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: In the barn
Posts: 324
Originally Posted by imtheidiot 
As for the daycare issue, I'm starting to look for another one, but I'm honestly worried about changing the daycare for somewhere more convenient for ME. In order to leave, I had to lie and manipulate a lot, making false promises left right and center. I promised STBX that he would be able to go pick up my daughter from her daycare sometimes...if I suddenly change her daycare to someplace inconvenient, he'll cry "foul" and start making trouble. I'm really not feeling up to dealing with any kind of drama from him right now, but I also want my daughter to see her dad. Despite his crumminess, she loves him a lot; I can see that. I sort of feel frozen in place where the daycare issue is concerned.
I gently suggest that you do everything in your power to take care of your needs and your daughter's needs right now, including making her daycare situation convenient for YOU and not for your alcoholic.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
The week isn't going by fast enough for my taste, and more drama continues to happen. I've tried my best not to be affected by it, but when it comes to my child, I'm a big mama bear.
My STBX has again emailed me requesting that I draft a separation agreement granting him shared custody. We got into an "email argument" where he point blank asked me how many hours EXACTLY he would get with his daughter. I couldn't answer because I was too afraid. I'm afraid that if I answer something he doesn't like, he'll go nuts and do something stupid. I'm trying to walk on eggshells until Saturday comes, at which time he can't do a damn thing to prevent me from leaving. Also, my daugther will start staying with me full-time, which will begin to set a legal precedent. This is specifically what STBX wants to avoid, but I can't have an honest discussion with him about *why* he shouldn't have custody.
He won't admit that he has a drinking problem and that it affects him and his parenting skills.
He won't admit that he's never cared for his daughter since her birth (never bathed her, changed her, got up at night, took her for a walk, dressed her, etC).
He won't admit that his lifestyle won't allow him to be a good parent (he's out drinking twice a week or more).
And yet, he's fighting me tooth and nail for shared custody. Why? I just don't get it. He told me about a month ago that he never wanted her (our daughter) in the first place, and now he's all gung ho about requiring shared custody. I'm stumped.
I've been running around all day talking to the police, to the daycare and trying to get legal aid, but I don't think I'll be able to get any kind of temporary custody granted to me before the week-end. If he decides to "take" my daughter, from daycare or something, I don't know what I can do.
I'm trying desperately not to freak out, to be patient until Saturday and to try to keep the peace, but I'm losing the battle sometimes. Someone give me the emotional stability I need to get through this!
My STBX has again emailed me requesting that I draft a separation agreement granting him shared custody. We got into an "email argument" where he point blank asked me how many hours EXACTLY he would get with his daughter. I couldn't answer because I was too afraid. I'm afraid that if I answer something he doesn't like, he'll go nuts and do something stupid. I'm trying to walk on eggshells until Saturday comes, at which time he can't do a damn thing to prevent me from leaving. Also, my daugther will start staying with me full-time, which will begin to set a legal precedent. This is specifically what STBX wants to avoid, but I can't have an honest discussion with him about *why* he shouldn't have custody.
He won't admit that he has a drinking problem and that it affects him and his parenting skills.
He won't admit that he's never cared for his daughter since her birth (never bathed her, changed her, got up at night, took her for a walk, dressed her, etC).
He won't admit that his lifestyle won't allow him to be a good parent (he's out drinking twice a week or more).
And yet, he's fighting me tooth and nail for shared custody. Why? I just don't get it. He told me about a month ago that he never wanted her (our daughter) in the first place, and now he's all gung ho about requiring shared custody. I'm stumped.
I've been running around all day talking to the police, to the daycare and trying to get legal aid, but I don't think I'll be able to get any kind of temporary custody granted to me before the week-end. If he decides to "take" my daughter, from daycare or something, I don't know what I can do.
I'm trying desperately not to freak out, to be patient until Saturday and to try to keep the peace, but I'm losing the battle sometimes. Someone give me the emotional stability I need to get through this!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Imtheidiot. (i don't like typing that name.)
Just keep moving forward. keep your eye on the prize and keep the best interest of your child first and foremost. When a parent is an addict/alcoholic, it isn't always in the best interest of the child for there to be equal custody. Sometimes it needs to be supervised contact. I encourage you to focus on getting yourself settled and THEN worry about the paperwork.
If you are worried about him taking her from daycare, then contact the daycare and let them know you are separating and if he comes to get her they need to call you immediately. They will be sympathetic to your concerns.
It doesn't matter why he is forcing this issue about custody. It could only be manipulation and threats or it could be something far more serious. Try not to put anything in email or writing yet. Don't let him pressure you until you are safely situated somewhere else and able to think clearly about what is really best for you and your child. What's important is your childs welfare - it's only a few more days.
You are almost at the bottom. After Saturday things will improve. And you will be able to make better decisions about the whole custody arrangement. Do not allow yourself to be pressured sweetie. Custody and visitation is a huge, life-effecting decision that should not be rushed or decided under duress. Just put him off however you can. Tell him you are busy moving and you'll write the letter as soon as you can. If he wants to force an agreement, tell him to write it. That should give you some time... (you don't need to sign ANYTHING he writes.)
I used to tell myself "I can put up with anything for xxx time. Because it's only temporary. And I have a plan for my future."
Just keep moving forward. keep your eye on the prize and keep the best interest of your child first and foremost. When a parent is an addict/alcoholic, it isn't always in the best interest of the child for there to be equal custody. Sometimes it needs to be supervised contact. I encourage you to focus on getting yourself settled and THEN worry about the paperwork.
If you are worried about him taking her from daycare, then contact the daycare and let them know you are separating and if he comes to get her they need to call you immediately. They will be sympathetic to your concerns.
It doesn't matter why he is forcing this issue about custody. It could only be manipulation and threats or it could be something far more serious. Try not to put anything in email or writing yet. Don't let him pressure you until you are safely situated somewhere else and able to think clearly about what is really best for you and your child. What's important is your childs welfare - it's only a few more days.
You are almost at the bottom. After Saturday things will improve. And you will be able to make better decisions about the whole custody arrangement. Do not allow yourself to be pressured sweetie. Custody and visitation is a huge, life-effecting decision that should not be rushed or decided under duress. Just put him off however you can. Tell him you are busy moving and you'll write the letter as soon as you can. If he wants to force an agreement, tell him to write it. That should give you some time... (you don't need to sign ANYTHING he writes.)
I used to tell myself "I can put up with anything for xxx time. Because it's only temporary. And I have a plan for my future."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
