...he didnt call because he's in jail
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 34
...he didnt call because he's in jail
Well to follow up my previous post...
he got arrested. I called the police because I was worried he died or something. Well they picked him up. He has so many warants out for him, he is not going to get bailed out. He is going to detox in jail!
He must be in hell right now. (it's dangerous too since he is diabetic and needs to take insulin and to be carefully monitored during detox)
I can't believe this is how it ends!
My poor kids!
What do I do now? does his family know? do I tell them?
Do I tell the kids....they are going to wonder why he's not visiting them.
Jail!
how scarry is that!
(by the way I think he deserves it for the HORRIBLE things he did to get money for dope...he will go to Hell for sure)
Why did I pick this man for the father of my children?!
Why!!!!
I'm so mad at myself for getting married to him. (he was very different then, but I should of not been naive, I knew he had 'issues' as a teen...I just thought if you stopped you stopped....I'm so stupid!)
I can't believe the father of my kids is a heroin addict and in jail.
I NEVER WANTED THIS FOR MY KIDS! I only wanted nice, kind and loving things-people around them. How did I let this happen?
he got arrested. I called the police because I was worried he died or something. Well they picked him up. He has so many warants out for him, he is not going to get bailed out. He is going to detox in jail!
He must be in hell right now. (it's dangerous too since he is diabetic and needs to take insulin and to be carefully monitored during detox)
I can't believe this is how it ends!
My poor kids!
What do I do now? does his family know? do I tell them?
Do I tell the kids....they are going to wonder why he's not visiting them.
Jail!
how scarry is that!
(by the way I think he deserves it for the HORRIBLE things he did to get money for dope...he will go to Hell for sure)
Why did I pick this man for the father of my children?!
Why!!!!
I'm so mad at myself for getting married to him. (he was very different then, but I should of not been naive, I knew he had 'issues' as a teen...I just thought if you stopped you stopped....I'm so stupid!)
I can't believe the father of my kids is a heroin addict and in jail.
I NEVER WANTED THIS FOR MY KIDS! I only wanted nice, kind and loving things-people around them. How did I let this happen?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Stop blaming yourself. You didn't do this, HE did. He is having to face the consequences of his own actions, not anything YOU did. Stop and breathe. You are not responsible for him. Just take care of your kids as best you can and let him deal with the fallout of his own actions. I know how scary this is if you've never dealt with it before, but it happens all the time. There are a lot of people here who have been exactly where you are. I'm sure they'll be along soon to give you some good advice, but, in the meantime, stop blaming yourself and just BREATHE! 
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
(((CT)))
None of this is your fault.
Try to tell yourself that he is exactly where he needs to be at this moment, and he is safer their than on the streets.
As far as the kids, given what they've recently witnessed, perhaps you could explain that thier dad is sick and needs to try and get better before he can see them. Hopefully they will find comfort in that.
Hang in there...this isn't an easy road we travel.
(((Hugs)))
None of this is your fault.
Try to tell yourself that he is exactly where he needs to be at this moment, and he is safer their than on the streets.
As far as the kids, given what they've recently witnessed, perhaps you could explain that thier dad is sick and needs to try and get better before he can see them. Hopefully they will find comfort in that.
Hang in there...this isn't an easy road we travel.
(((Hugs)))
Drug Addiction Has No Mercy
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Milwaukie Oregon
Posts: 875
It isn't your fault. How it happened isn't as important as what are you going to do for YOU and your kids. That is the focus now. He is in jail I'm sure they will make sure he has medicine for his diabetes. Yes, he will have to detox and he will be miserable, but that is not your problem.
You are in good hands and I hope you continue to come to SR there is much to be learned from this forum and all the awesome people who have walked the path before you ... Don't let go, keep holding on and reading here. If you could find a nar-anon meeting in your area it would be worth it to start going.
You need to focus on your recovery. Yes, we need recovery too. Even though we may not have used drugs the addict becomes our drug and our main focus is on what he is or isn't doing, we become consumed with him, trying to fix, save, rescue him. Read all you can about codependency, enabling, detaching with love. Knowledge is power.
Understanding the dynamics between the two of you will help shed light on what happened and how it got to where you are today as well as how to make the necessary changes in you to mold, fashion and shape your life into what you want it to be, not living in the shadow of someones addiction.
Hugs,
Passion
You are in good hands and I hope you continue to come to SR there is much to be learned from this forum and all the awesome people who have walked the path before you ... Don't let go, keep holding on and reading here. If you could find a nar-anon meeting in your area it would be worth it to start going.
You need to focus on your recovery. Yes, we need recovery too. Even though we may not have used drugs the addict becomes our drug and our main focus is on what he is or isn't doing, we become consumed with him, trying to fix, save, rescue him. Read all you can about codependency, enabling, detaching with love. Knowledge is power.
Understanding the dynamics between the two of you will help shed light on what happened and how it got to where you are today as well as how to make the necessary changes in you to mold, fashion and shape your life into what you want it to be, not living in the shadow of someones addiction.
Hugs,
Passion
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Home of the Ravens-MD
Posts: 1,316
whoaooo stop blaming yourself, you didn't do this, you didn't know.
As for being in jail, it may not look pretty to you, however it is probably the best place for him right now. He'll detox, he'll get his diabetes under control, he won't be on the streets.
Right now, focus on you & the kids. That is what's important!
Hugs,
Chris
As for being in jail, it may not look pretty to you, however it is probably the best place for him right now. He'll detox, he'll get his diabetes under control, he won't be on the streets.
Right now, focus on you & the kids. That is what's important!
Hugs,
Chris
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
I agree, don't blame yourself. HIS actions got him where he is today. HE will have
to deal with the consequences.
My AH went to jail several times... like a good wife (before I found SR and learned about addiction/enabling) I bailed him out each time. Each time he promised this was it, he was definitely going to "change". Sometimes, it lasted a few weeks, or a few days, or the last time until that night... he would be back to disappearing/doing drugs. The last time I bailed him out, the bail bondsman had even advised me to leave him there (I'd used him each time).
I finally got "nothing changes if nothing changes". The next time he went to jail, I didn't bail him out. He finally got to suffer the consequences of his actions. Being on probation, that time was his last chance. After 3 chances in rehabs, he went to prison for 2 years. Even prison didn't make him see the light... to give up the drugs and find a better way. Today, he is out doing the same thing. Hasn't seen the kids in a year now.
But, as hard as it has been, I have tried to keep family life for the kids as normal as possible. They are active in sports, church, school activities, etc. There is peace in our home without the constant chaos active addiction brought us.
I share all this to give you hope... you can find peace and joy again. If there is a possibility of bail for him, I urge you to leave him there and let him feel the consequences of his actions. Let him have time to reflect on his choices he's made. Jail can be a bottom he needs to change his ways.
(((HUGS))) I know how hard this is.
to deal with the consequences.
My AH went to jail several times... like a good wife (before I found SR and learned about addiction/enabling) I bailed him out each time. Each time he promised this was it, he was definitely going to "change". Sometimes, it lasted a few weeks, or a few days, or the last time until that night... he would be back to disappearing/doing drugs. The last time I bailed him out, the bail bondsman had even advised me to leave him there (I'd used him each time).
I finally got "nothing changes if nothing changes". The next time he went to jail, I didn't bail him out. He finally got to suffer the consequences of his actions. Being on probation, that time was his last chance. After 3 chances in rehabs, he went to prison for 2 years. Even prison didn't make him see the light... to give up the drugs and find a better way. Today, he is out doing the same thing. Hasn't seen the kids in a year now.
But, as hard as it has been, I have tried to keep family life for the kids as normal as possible. They are active in sports, church, school activities, etc. There is peace in our home without the constant chaos active addiction brought us.
I share all this to give you hope... you can find peace and joy again. If there is a possibility of bail for him, I urge you to leave him there and let him feel the consequences of his actions. Let him have time to reflect on his choices he's made. Jail can be a bottom he needs to change his ways.
(((HUGS))) I know how hard this is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Sunshine State
Posts: 410
In the early stages of my Abrother's addiction, I used to feel that jail was just horrible for him. As the years and his addictions progressed I began to feel a little relieved when he was in jail because then at least he was getting 3 meals a day and not killing himself with the drugs and alcohol. I know that might sound really hard but it's true. Jail is the natural consequences of his actions and he needs to face it. Take good care of yourself and your children.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
i agree with the others, not your fault. i'm sure you didn't willingly decided to marry into active addiction. i did the same thing, not knowing what i was marring into, so what? that was then and this is now. time to focus on you and the kids.
my ah has gone to jail many times and prison, but it was his actions that got him there. i tried everything i could do or say to keep him out and i'm sure you probably did the same thing. he has to suffer the consequences of his actions. think about it, this may be his hp's way of saving him from himself or even death. he's safe, with food/shelter,time to detox and time to think about where his life is headed. take care of you. you all are in my prayers.
my ah has gone to jail many times and prison, but it was his actions that got him there. i tried everything i could do or say to keep him out and i'm sure you probably did the same thing. he has to suffer the consequences of his actions. think about it, this may be his hp's way of saving him from himself or even death. he's safe, with food/shelter,time to detox and time to think about where his life is headed. take care of you. you all are in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Relax. Breathe. You are fine. Your kids are fine. HE is exactly were he needs to be.
When I feel like panicking, I force myself to stay in the now. I don't allow myself to over think things or worry about what could happen, what might happen or what I should do.
These things have a way of working themselves out. Repeat the serenity prayer to yourself. Try to live by it.
And you don't have to tell your kids anything until you are ready. You can tell them "daddy is where he needs to be right now to get help with his problems but don't worry. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. We will be just fine."
Patience really can be a virtue in these situations.
When I feel like panicking, I force myself to stay in the now. I don't allow myself to over think things or worry about what could happen, what might happen or what I should do.
These things have a way of working themselves out. Repeat the serenity prayer to yourself. Try to live by it.
And you don't have to tell your kids anything until you are ready. You can tell them "daddy is where he needs to be right now to get help with his problems but don't worry. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. We will be just fine."
Patience really can be a virtue in these situations.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
I think you are beating yourself up pretty bad. I wonder if he is asking the same questions of himself that you are asking.
I hope you will take this time away from him to use to your best advantage. It is not your fault consider it a blessing that he got locked; up your HP's way of looking out for you and him really.
I hope you will take this time away from him to use to your best advantage. It is not your fault consider it a blessing that he got locked; up your HP's way of looking out for you and him really.
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
Self hate, blame, guilt and all other negative emotions are counter productive at this point. You have the power of choice, use it to make the best decisions you can for yourself and children. Detaching from his drama may be tough and you may need help and support, but you can do it. Sounds kinda backwards, but by detaching from him you are ultimately doing the best thing for him to a point where he starts a real "recovery". Don't listen to the talk.... Watch the walk. That goes for the voices in your head that tell you to believe what he says. Just my 2 cents. Support and help from people who have successfully navigated similar situations could be of great help. Find them here, alanon etc. Best of luck... There are people here who really care and want to be your cheerleaders. Humbly on day 90.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
