Sponsor . . . . Shopping? Tips?

Old 10-25-2009, 09:27 PM
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Sponsor . . . . Shopping? Tips?

Well, I have done my six Al-Anon meetings.

Yunno. Six meetings and you are One Of Us (repeat) One Of Us. One Of Us.

So there I am and here I am for some time to come from what I understand.

Somewhere down the path, I understand that a Sponsor is part of the path?

I like to do look-ahead and roadmap as much as possible and often more than possible, so I asked something about it at the second meeting -- and the older ladies sort of chuckled and said there would plenty of time for that.

I say "older ladies" because most seem older or at least as old as I am and it is mostly women. (btw, I am a guy, 48). I was pretty much a basket case my first couple of meetings, so bless their co-dependent souls they have sort of adopted me as a special case. Not a good thing, but I know the look and behaviors. OK. Things are what they are.

I follow the sponsor thing is usually same sex -- keeps the 13th steps down -- so to speak -- from what I follow. On the other hand, Mrs. Hammer tells me she wound up in bed with her first AA sponsor (12 years ago -- female pole dancer who totally relapsed at 10 months), so even that is not really fully true. At any rate, I am just as comfortable or not -- male or female, I guess -- most of my PTSD recovery group was female -- at least the sane ones. My therapist is a woman, and most the folks in Al-Anon are women.

I am babbling. What I wanted to ask for is tips, pointers, don't-do, when, where, how, etc. on the Sponsor thing. Any tips, experiences, etc., would be helpful and appreciated.

Thanks.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:27 AM
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Having a sponsor has been invaluable to me. We no longer have Alanon in our little town, but I am blessed to have a sponsor who is black belt AA and Alanon (I qualify for both programs).

That being said, I am female, and my sponsor is male. There have been periods of years where I was the only female in recovery in my little town, and for me, having a sponsor of the opposite sex has created no problems whatsoever. He is happily married, and has never steered me wrong in my recovery.

He has a rock solid program, and has been consistent in how he works it over the past 22 years I have known him. I have seen him struggle, grow, and benefit from recovery, and that is something I admire in him.

He definitely has what I want in recovery, and to me, that is a must in seeking out a sponsor.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or just want to talk one-on-one.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:42 AM
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I am an alcoholic woman very early in my recovery. I have no problem with my husbands female sponsor in al-anon. I do have a problem that he has another female "friend" in the group that he is getting close to. He is pretty much the only man in the group and seems to have become quite a novelty in the group. Right or wrong I have trouble with the understanding that he shows these women that he never had for me. He was the abusive one in our marriage. I have been married to him for 16 years. The alcoholism has only been a part of our life for the last 3 years. His verbal abuse and lying has been there through our whole marriage. I resent that he is now seen as the poor long suffering spouse.
I know I need to let go of these resentments but although I am staying sober I feel like as he gets closer and closer to this woman we are getting farther and farther apart. If I keep trying to swallow these feelings of insecurity I know I will start drinking again.
I dislike the fact that if we have an argument he tells these women details. I think we need a professional for our personal marital problems but he refuses. We have a small group and I feel that there is no privacy or anonymity. If I try to talk to him about maybe going to a different town he becomes angry and tries to say that I am just trying to control him and keep him from being friends with this woman.
I am starting to think that I need to leave him so I can have a recovery without this stress and jealousy.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:49 AM
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Welcome to Sober Recovery lostone460

Can I start a new thread for you? You can introduce yourself to the family and get more support for yourself.
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Old 10-26-2009, 07:49 AM
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lostone - you need to do what you need to do, for you. You can't change him, and if you can't deal with his behavior then perhaps it's time to make changes from your side of the street.

Your recovery is the most important thing.
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Old 10-26-2009, 06:00 PM
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My experience is that, much of the time, one gets a very, very different attitude and approach from Al Anons than from AAs on issues like finding a sponsor, working the Steps, etc..... In my experience, AAs typically have a much greater sense of urgency and of "the right way" vs. any other way with these things.......and that is a sense of urgency as in "this-is-a-life-or-death-matter" and that I personally share, even though I am Al Anon -- and not a "double winner."

My personal feeling is that my recovery and my spiritual journey are just as important and urgent as anyone else's. So, when I decided that I was going to "do the 12 Step deal," I wanted to get to it and I wanted a sponsor. It ended up that things didn't go exactly as I had planned:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2354258

But, you know, I was extremely determined, and so I did what I had to do to make it work for me. Also, at this point (closing in on 6 years), the person on whom I rely most often for "sponsorship"-like support is an AA woman, sober 28 years,.......and, lately, I've been getting the added benefit of her sponsor's support, too -- and that woman has been sober longer than God!

I guess there's probably a couple of things I would say, in general, about getting what you need: The 12 Steps are the 12 Steps, and, if you can't find everything you need and want in one set of rooms, attend open meetings in the rooms of other programs, too. When you've been seen around long enough to be known and long enough to be perceived as serious and willing to do the deal, you will have a lot more options open to you for help, support and fellowship. Anyone who truly lives the last phrase of the 12th Step ("and to practice these principles in all our affairs") is not going to be playing exclusivity games.

One other thing that I think is important: really, truly you do not want a sponsor to whom you might find yourself sexually attracted or who might find herself attracted to you -- that's really what the "same-sex sponsorship" rule comes down to. So, if one of the ladies you've met has what you want -- spiritually and in general program-wise -- and you are relatively confident that sexual attraction would not be an issue on either side, then just go and present your case to her, focusing on your commitment to working a good program and on what you see in her program and character that you want. If her own recovery is truly strong, she should not be so overly hung-up on the "rules" (of which, BTW, there actually are none -- they are all "suggestions") that she'll refuse to help you out -- at least temporarily. And temporarily is fine for a start.

Bottom line, I guess I would just say, whatever happens, don't let anything stand between you and working your program.

Good luck -- freya
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:16 PM
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Boy THIS is an OLD thread.

From the Way-Back Files.

I have a sponsor and very trusted Alanon folks I go to for advice.

But the STEPS -- I have been floundering for a couple of months, now.

BUT . . . . AS OF TODAY! I HAVE ME A STEPS SPONSOR.

[thank you, Jesus]

Real Strong One, too. Starting with the AA Steps. Basis being -- why would we not start with the real foundation work, and then move up to Alanon?

OKAY! If that is the way the road goes, I am on it.

HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! Happy Hammer Heart Time.

Happy New Year to You.

And Happy New Life to ME!
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Boy THIS is an OLD thread.

From the Way-Back Files.

I have a sponsor and very trusted Alanon folks I go to for advice.

But the STEPS -- I have been floundering for a couple of months, now.

BUT . . . . AS OF TODAY! I HAVE ME A STEPS SPONSOR.

[thank you, Jesus]

Real Strong One, too. Starting with the AA Steps. Basis being -- why would we not start with the real foundation work, and then move up to Alanon?

OKAY! If that is the way the road goes, I am on it.

HAPPY! HAPPY! HAPPY! Happy Hammer Heart Time.

Happy New Year to You.

And Happy New Life to ME!

Oh, okay.....I was so confused. You are well-versed in Alanon so I was wondering why you'd be asking questions about finding a sponsor!
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:32 PM
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Originally Posted by readerbaby71 View Post
Oh, okay.....I was so confused. You are well-versed in Alanon so I was wondering why you'd be asking questions about finding a sponsor!
Yeah, that was from 2009, when I first stumbled in here.

Now just some Steps away.
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:57 PM
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Well I guess don,t get a pole dancer for starters

Take your time and get to know people before you ask them to be your sponsor,

and hopefully you,ll end up with a guy.




Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Well, I have done my six Al-Anon meetings.

Yunno. Six meetings and you are One Of Us (repeat) One Of Us. One Of Us.

So there I am and here I am for some time to come from what I understand.

Somewhere down the path, I understand that a Sponsor is part of the path?

I like to do look-ahead and roadmap as much as possible and often more than possible, so I asked something about it at the second meeting -- and the older ladies sort of chuckled and said there would plenty of time for that.

I say "older ladies" because most seem older or at least as old as I am and it is mostly women. (btw, I am a guy, 48). I was pretty much a basket case my first couple of meetings, so bless their co-dependent souls they have sort of adopted me as a special case. Not a good thing, but I know the look and behaviors. OK. Things are what they are.

I follow the sponsor thing is usually same sex -- keeps the 13th steps down -- so to speak -- from what I follow. On the other hand, Mrs. Hammer tells me she wound up in bed with her first AA sponsor (12 years ago -- female pole dancer who totally relapsed at 10 months), so even that is not really fully true. At any rate, I am just as comfortable or not -- male or female, I guess -- most of my PTSD recovery group was female -- at least the sane ones. My therapist is a woman, and most the folks in Al-Anon are women.

I am babbling. What I wanted to ask for is tips, pointers, don't-do, when, where, how, etc. on the Sponsor thing. Any tips, experiences, etc., would be helpful and appreciated.

Thanks.
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Old 01-01-2014, 04:58 PM
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what was alanon sponsor for if you didnt do steps w that person?
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Old 01-01-2014, 06:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Earthworm View Post
Well I guess don,t get a pole dancer for starters

Take your time and get to know people before you ask them to be your sponsor,

and hopefully you,ll end up with a guy.



THAT part is from 4 years ago.

Just got up to a Serious Step Sponsor today.
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Old 01-01-2014, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
what was alanon sponsor for if you didnt do steps w that person?
I started into this much righter back those 4 years ago.

Had a Sponsor who got me up into the 4th Step.

Real Life changing stuff even at that level. God smiled greatly on me.

Got what I wanted and totally dumped Alanon and stopped the Step Work.

Lived to regret all that. Life and Mrs. Hammer all spiraled out of control.

After I got back in Alanon, I went looking for what I wanted as the Big Happy Ending.

My current Sponsor is old. Near 80. Fading out and really just sort of doing "duty" until he dies and gets home with his wife. (She was AA and he Alanon for 34 years.) She died this last year. They were married for 56 years. But that is what I sort of wanted for Mrs. Hammer and me.

He would let me (not) do things at my own pace.

Today's Step Sponsor is much more Basic Training, Get It Right, Get It Done.

Better match for how I work (or fail to) in life.

I will still keep my current sponsor -- the Step Sponsor required it in fact. Just figured I would put this type stuff in this thread.
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Old 01-01-2014, 07:15 PM
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i get it. you started. got what you thought you wanted and stopped. then realized oops, not quite what i wanted. and started back.

you have made a lot of progress. some people go a b c d, others go a c a b a b c d. its all about the journey. my thing for a while was trying to see the positive in bad (really bad) situations i lived through. one take away is that well that was a hard experience, but now i have it under my belt. i know what it feels like. some people never experience things like that. i did. and lived to tell.
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Old 01-02-2014, 07:14 AM
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mkay.

Have my first assignment.

Made my first morning report call. Was hoping to hit Step Sponsor's voice mail, but wound up talking a little. Got off before I got Peanut Butter mouth, or my voice started cracking.

I can do this.

. . . . by God's Grace.

Thank you, SR.
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Old 01-02-2014, 08:12 AM
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You can do this!
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Old 01-02-2014, 08:15 AM
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what i meant was some people take a direct route, others take the scenic route. i have take the scenic route many times and had to learn hard lessons, but in the end i am glad i learned them.

i also understand your tagline now.
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Old 01-02-2014, 09:09 AM
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Originally Posted by MissFixit View Post
what i meant was some people take a direct route, others take the scenic route. i have take the scenic route many times and had to learn hard lessons, but in the end i am glad i learned them.
Yeah. Put less kindly (thank you) Some Alanon folks . . . well THIS one at least . . . can Relapse. I did. Hard. About a year and a half in or so into the Program. I got everything I wanted and just quit.

Strange how I left the path. We came out of the deep hood side of Dallas. Rough Area. Just Rough. Getting the kids a decent house and decent school was my 4th Step. Just 12 hours into it we already had the house. We had been looking for 3 years. But just so I could know it was a God thing, He delivered that day. Big family house, way up in Lilywhite, on an acre with trees and horses in the meadow in back.

But I loved my old Alanon group so much that I did not want to go to another group up here. Even when folks would come and ask me to show up to help new guys. Boy, THAT is some shameful and selfish sh1t.

But God Gives and God Takes Away. Mrs. Hammer had already Relapsed, as well, and was spiraling downward. We wound up homeless just from the crazy -- not money like I would have thought. She wound up in Rehab, and I am back in Alanon -- and I have learned the only Bad Alanon is No Alanon.

And God restores. Have a nice house again, the kids are happy in school. Mrs. Hammer is working in a Rehab Center helping other folks. As I am reading in the Big Book this morning . . . THAT is the Best Way for an A to keep their Sobriety -- to be helping others. I guess God knows His business.

As for me . . . Continue to March. (my favorite military drill command). I pray I NEVER again take my eyes off of Him, His Will and His Way.

i also understand your tagline now.
Yeah, I am an Electrical Guy. Texas Master and Electrical Engineering. But I came up through the trades. And often on job sites there is a pleasant animosity between the Plumbers and Electricians. Both sides look down on each other. So I was SEVERELY humbled when at meeting a Plumber told me that he would think it extremely stupid to not be doing the Steps when in a Step based program.

So I have struggled for the past couple of months trying to do the Step stuff, but making no real progress.

Had to ask at a meeting last week for help. God delivers. As always.

Probably what is true on the A side is true on our side, too.

Best Way for an A to keep their Sobriety -- to be helping others.

I guess God knows His business.
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Old 01-02-2014, 02:31 PM
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Hey, folks, not for nuthin', but I cannot think of a single reason that a pole dancer would necessarily not be a good sponsor.

We need to be careful of slipping into that kind of judgmental, sex-negativity and into making these kinds of totally bizarre assumptions.

I mean, seriously, where is it written that a pole-dancer can't be a spiritual person? Can't have good recovery? Can't have had a spiritual awakening as the result of doing the 12 Steps and/or can't perhaps be the best person in the world to pass that on to someone else?

This kinda stuff bothers me a lot. I hear this crap from sponsees all the time...and the only thing that pisses me off more than hearing them say it is the way they just assume that I'm gonna co-sign it, no questions asked: like somehow being a recovered person necessarily means that I'm never going to have sex again -- unless I get married again -- to a man-born-male -- and suddenly develop a weird obsession with the missionary position; like because they perceive me as a spiritual person, I am some kind of sex-negative ***** 2 seconds away from joining the convent (not that I necessarily think that all nuns are sex-negative, but this seems to be the assumption on which most sex-negative people are operating).

Just last week I was going over 4th Step directions in the book with a sponsee, and when we got into the sex inventory part, she says to me, totally nonchalant and offhandedly, like it is the most to-be-expected comment in the world: "I really need for you to teach me how to be a lady when it comes to sex!"

...and my first thought is: 'WTF?????'

...except that I am totally familiar with WTF-it's about because I deal with this kinda of sex-negative BS all the time with sponsees, so my second and third thoughts are: 'Not again!' and 'Oh, sweetie, if that's really what you want, you really need to get a different sponsor!'

...and finally, because God is in charge and I do have an unfortunately sad amount of experience dealing with this kind of trite, not-at-all-thought-through, knee-jerk morality and sex-negativity from sponsees, what I actually said is:

"Well, let's do the inventory first, and, when we get to your 5th Step on this part, we'll talk about that...about what your values and ideals are around sex and sexuality and what you need to be doing to live according to those, rather than just some free-floating nonsense you might have absorbed from the culture you were raised in..."

..at this point they usually look at me like I'm speaking ancient Greek, so the rest goes something like this: "...because we just read about how only God can be the arbiter of our sex conduct. So, this all depends on how you understand God...not on how your neighbor, or your mom, or patriarchy in general, or sex-negative people in recovery, or the church you grew up in understands Him -- on God as you understand Him...and we just read that the no-nos here - just like in everything else -- are acting out of dishonesty, fear, inconsideration, and selfishness.

It doesn't say anything anywhere about being 'unladylike,'...so you probably need to think a little about -- and maybe take it into prayer and meditation, too -- : What does being 'a lady' mean to you? And then what does that have to do with your sexual identity and your sexual expression -- if it even ends up having anything at all to do with it....because that is for you and your God to decide...and you need to think about those no-no's, because those no-no's are the things that make a particular sexual situation 'wrong.' According to the book, it doesn't matter what you're doing or who your doing it with, what matters is are you being selfish, inconsiderate, dishonest or fearful?"

So, yeah, let's not be trying to arbitrate, or assuming we have the right to arbitrate, the sex conduct of pole-dancers...because it's silly to even assume we know what it is on an individual to individual basis!

freya
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Old 01-02-2014, 03:16 PM
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Um, my only thought about the pole dancer was that she shouldn't have been sleeping with her sponsee. That does seem like dubious behavior.
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