crazytrain

So it finally happened....My AH is on the street.
He has nothing left but the clothes on his back and his puppy (long story!)
He called my house 2 nights ago to say goodnight to the kids (he does every night...well till 2 nights ago)
He asked if he could come by he needed to talk to me. I said ok (I was hoping it was to tell me he was off to rehab and needed a suitcase or something)
Well when he got here he was a mess, smelly and he had a black eye.
his hands are swollen as he said he's been injecting into his hands!!!!
He has missed 3 court dates and there are many arrests warrants out on him I'm sure.
He hugged the kids and then quickly said (IN FRONT OF THEM!!!!) that I need to let him sleep here just for that night as it was raining and he was cold and wanted to go to detox in the morning (I had told him I would drive him up to an hours drive to go to detox...there is nothing open(wait lists) in the city I'm in).
I almost said yes to letting him sleep here...But I said no
well the SH** hit the fan.
He said (in front of the kids) that I was going to kill him by throwing him to the mercy of the streets. He would freeze. The kids were screeming. MY 6 year old begged me not to hurt daddy. they begged me to let him stay.
HE SOOOOOOOO USED THEM TO TRY TO MANIPULATE ME INTO LETTING HIM STAY!
I had to threaten to call the police for him to leave.
my kids are horrified.
he yelled at me and called me every name in the book.
I told him he was no longer EVER welcome to come to my house ever for any reason.
...now this is where I messed up....
I said stay away from MY kids, he said they were his kids too. I said NO they are not anymore. They are just mine and they are not yours you junkie dirt bag. I did not mean it, not forever, i was just so mad.(the kids did not hear any of this)
Now he hasn't called in 2 days to talk to the kids.
What do I tell them now?
Do I tell them he just forgot? he's out of town? he's a junkie and is probably happy he doesn't have to find a phone everynight around 8pm to say goodnight to his kids.?
I hate this so much, my poor kids.
THEY DID NOTHING WRONG, THEY LOVE HIM SO MUCH. IT KILLS ME TO SEE THE PAIN IN THEIR FACES, THEY MISS HIM !
How can he just disapear and leave his little boys crying for him?
A little while ago he would have done anything FOR them.
It's so sad, I can't stop crying about it. I hope I didn't ruin any hope for my kids and their father having some sort of a relationship, now or in a sober future.
(I'm sensitive, as my father left and I had a distant relationship with him and it always stung)

hello-kitty

That's horrible. I'm sorry. I know it's so hard. I'm glad you didn't let him guilt you in to anything. It would have changed nothing for him. Have faith. He is exactly where he needs to be right now and you did absolutely the right thing for him and you and your boys.

And you don't have to tell the kids anything. Unless they ask. And then you can tell them "I love you. Your daddy loves you. He has some adult things he has to take care of right now. He will see you when he can. But I am here to take care of you and I will never leave you. You have nothing to worry about. How about we get some ice cream?"

nytepassion

You very well may have pissed your AH off, but rest assured you didn't ruin anything for your children. The truth of the matter is your AH is on the downward spiral and less contact is a part of the package. Of course he will blame you for the reason he did not call, but don't buy it. You, I'm sure have done everything within your power to try to keep your husband from self destructing and your family from falling apart, but you realized you were powerless over his addiction and now he is out of the house.

Addicts will use their children to try to manipulate you. It is emotional abuse to your kids. I went through that with one of my ex's but I had told my children that daddy had a problem .. that he was taking something that made him sick and do, say and act strange.

Don't stand for him pulling the pity party in front of your kids. Stand your ground and keep focused. You're not keeping your kids from seeing their dad. Dad is choosing drugs over his kids. That is the hard, cold truth.

If he wanted to be home with them. He would get his butt clean and do what it takes to get into recovery. Instead of wimping out and blaming you for him being on the streets. If it is raining and cold outside he always has the option of going to the salvation army. It isn't your responsibility to diaper his butt. He is a grown man who seems to have no problem finding dope to put into his veins I'm sure if he was determined to stay off the street he could find a shelter to keep warm and stay dry in.

but he'd rather pull a guilt trip on you and get the kids all upset then to man up and get his crap together.

Don't ever doubt that you are doing the right thing and the best thing for you and your children. I've been where you're at before and it is a painful place to be, but if you give in now you'll only be giving his addiction a comfortable place to continue to destroy your husband.

Not the kind of stuff you want to hear, but the kind of stuff that the truth is made out of.

Hugs and prayers for you and your kids,
Passion

crazytrain

Thank you, I needed to understand that I'M not the one who put him on the street. I am NOT the one who has picked drugs over the children. He did. It's not me who did this. I must live with the mess...but just for now, we will get better.
His life is his own. What a horrible place he must be in. I seems like a nightmare. I hope the kids will understand one day and not blame me for making daddy leave. It's like he's dying and we miss the good dad, because the new addict dad killed him.

barb dwyer

he's STILL using them to hurt you.
he thinks by not calling the kids will make you put up with him.
see?
they're not even people to him.
They're jsuty another tool to get what he wants.

that... is not love.

you are not the one who put him on the street.
you did not black his eye.
you did not make him use.
you DID do the right thing and protected your children.

they don't need to see that.

you've done the right thing.

teke

sorry you and your kids have to go throuh this. your kind of response is just what it took for me to get desperately serious about getting sober and staying sober. i pray that your ah finds his way to recovery and that it sticks. in the meantime, good to see that you are taking care of you and the kids.

try to keep the focus on you. i'm guessing that he's been out in the cold before while looking for his next high so i'm thinking that he'll probably be okay while looking for some place to crash. he's out there because of the choices he's making and that has nothing to do with you or the kids. i will keep all of you in my prayers and will say a special prayer for his safety.