ElegantlyWasted

Just read in another post of how once things things start going well again negative thoughts/anxiety creep into the mind in anticipation of another downward spiral ensuing. I get this... Is it a rationalization to pick up the bottle again, the "disease" rearing it's ugly head? A fear of failure and/or success. Obeseesion of the mind kind of stuff that just needs to be meditated away??? It's almost a fear of fear kind of thing for me. Anyone else have this sort of ideation and how do/did you deal w/ it? For me it is a sort of guilt for feeling good combined with anxiety laden thoughts of everything going down the tubes again. Thanks in advance. Day 89 with a plan.

Anna

Oh yes, most definitely!

When I began recovery, I realized that I had lived all of my life in fear, in the dark. Every decision I had made, large or small, was ultimately based on fear. And, I really had a fear of success. I had no idea what it would feel like and it was very scary.

In recovery I had to take a leap of faith and learn to live in the light.

watsonc

Not sure if this is the same, but I'm new at this, day 9, and previous attempts have failed mainly because after a spell of feeling upbeat and cheerful in recovery, I start to anticipate the almost certain failure. Its as though its not something that will or can continue for life....that I'm doomed to have relapses. I apparently don't trust that I can ever get to a point when I will be happy without, that I'll miss the taste/effect, and will end up being who I am at my soul - a drinker. Awfully fatalistic. I guess I'm trying to do some living in the moment mindfulness thinking to stay anchored. Its all mysterious!

Dee74

At the time I thought it was simply I didn't want to be different - and that pulled me back in. But it goes much deeper than that - I realise now I was scared that I wouldn't be able to do it, and even more scared that I would. Every time I got more than a week up the fear that I might actually do this bought me undone.

I was scared of change because I knew it meant facing a lot of things about myself I'd avoided by drinking...and I was terrified of letting go of my familiar life, however horrible, for the great unknown of sobriety.

Eventually, of course, I *had* to do it - and I'm so glad I did.

It's been hard, sure, but the fears were groundless, and my life is immeasurably better

Keep the faith EW

D

coffeenut

Yeah....I think the brain in early sobriety tries to rationalize everything...since it's so grateful it's not being soaked in alcohol!

Those early days can be a roller coaster. Take it easy....we're glad you're here.

tallcactus

Yes, I have those same thoughts too. Scary at times, afraid that I'll screw my sobriety up somehow.
I just think it has 2 do with the brain wanting me 2 drink. I just keep busy and push those thoughts out of my head. I pray too.
Congratulations on day 90 today.
Stay strong, keep yr plan.