mmeat

Hi everyone. Somewhat new here....been lurking for the last 3 or 4 weeks, reading almost everyday on the Alchoholism and newcomers threads.
I'm so glad to see that there are people like me out there!!! I'm still drinking, but seeing all the posts is strengthening my resolve to stop. A little history for me is that I"m 32 and have an alcoholic father that has not drank in 10 years. On moms side is alot of alcoholism as well.
I have been drinking steadily for at least 15 years now, and lately it seems to be getting worse and worse. I don't know what the hell it is with alcohol, but I have no control over it. I crave it. There is a freaking voice in my head that screams at me all day long how good it will be once I get a few " rockets" into me.....
I have 3 amazing kids....all under 9 yrs old....and every Saturday my wife goes to work early, and I have to take care of them all day. The only problem is that for some screwed up reason, when Friday hits...I have this massive urge to hit the beer store, and grab an 8 or 12 pack of strong beer and then proceed to get drunk. Usually while watching a family movie with the kids. Then after they go to bed, I finish every last beer until I'm drunk and stupid.....hit the bed, and then wake up feeling crappy.
So of course for the rest of the next day, I'm cranky and short tempered and wish I was a better father. I try my best though........
I'm getting desperate. This week sucked. Every Sunday night I vow that this new week will be different and that I'm going to stop drinking. Well I lasted till Tuesday. Man oh man. I went to the gym that night....the wife was very proud of me. What did I do? I rushed through the workout, so I could go next door to the beer store so I could grap a few cans of tall boys........as a reward. Then drank them all while driving around.....tilll they were gone, got some gum then went home and got ready for bed. Kissing my wife goodnight, she says " I smell beer!?" I blamed it on the gum and it worked.
Then on Thursday an old army buddy of mine came to town and was pressuring me to come out drinkin. All day I texted him that it was a work night...and that I can't come out. I gave in. I know it was simply because it would be a good excuse to get beer into me. Anyhow I drove to the bar and only planned on having a couple.
Well.....my couple ended up being about 8. And I drove myself home. I hate to admit it. I hate myself. I dont remember most of the drive except driving past the cops....and hitting the brakes cause I was scared......and they never came after me.......even though I was speeding.
When I passed out....it was around 3am, and I was up for 530......for work....still drunk. OMG.....I was still drunk at work and then the hangover came.......the guilt.....the shame.....the anxiety.......
All day people kept asking me what was wrong with me. I blamed it on the kids getting up at night...sick. I'm sick
I'm tired of this crap. I want to feel in control again...... I am on my 8th and last beer tonight but for some reason I barely have a buzz. I hope I pass out good and not with stress.
****** thing is that I'm one of the luckiest guys I know...a beautiful wife...and 3 really cool kiddies.........
My oldest (9)....has been commenting lately on the amount of times I go to the beer store.......even in the lineup....she'll comment on how much of the "pop" I love.......and ask me how I can drink so much of it....??
I know I'm rambling.......but this truly is theraputic to type it all out for the world to see!
I truly love beer.......I love the feeling of warmth.....the rush of confidence......and I hate it too. I hate what I've become.
Thanks for listening guys.
Steve

Gypsy Feet

I was there. When I quit, I quit because I was disgusted with the person I became drunk. But when I quit, I truly believed that I loved beer, the feeling and taste, and I thought I would miss it. I thought I would be miserable, and stressed, and not be able to sleep.

I am 9+ months sober, and never happier. I have control over my own life now. I am the kind of person/parent I want to be.

Welcome=)

Dee74

Hi Steve

Alcohol made me into a guy I didn't much admire either...I lied, cheated, sneaked about trying to keep it secret, acted amorally, avoided responsibility, put other people in danger, let people down....felt bad and guilty and shameful and filled with self loathing...and kept right on drinking.

I'm finally on my way to becoming the man I want to be - but I had to leave booze behind to start the journey.

There's a lot of people here who know exactly how you feel and where you are - the first step is to admit defeat and draw a line under your drinking days.

One day at a time. It's not an easy journey but you're not alone...but I think you know that already

welcome to ya Steve
D

thirtybubba

Welcome, Steve

Hope to see you around!


-TB

tallcactus

Steve,
ahhh the quilt, the lies, the cravings to drink again and again after the night before. I never and still can't rap my brain around that stupid thinking. I stopped analyzing why.
I can not drink responsible, I'm an alcoholic.
Stay strong.

least

I too hated the person I had become from drinking. My kids hated my drinking and tried to convince me to stop, but I didn't stop until I was ready to stop. But I have to admit that living sober is so much easier on me. I don't have to lie or hide bottles or ever feel hungover again.

I hope you'll give sobriety a good try. It's so worth it.

mmeat

Good morning guys, and thank your for your replies I don't feel too bad today. After passing out on the couch last night, and waking up at 4am feeling like garbage, I drank a bunch of water and took a vitamin and some tylenol.
Like you said Dee...I have to admit defeat. It's true..I can't control it anymore( not that I ever did, now that I think of it). I have no idea how I've made it this far in life without killing myself drinking and driving....or how I've managed to luck out in certain situations so that I didn't get fired from some jobs I've had?!?!?!
I'm drawing the line today. That's it for me...I'm done.

So today's day 1. Right now I feel confident, but I know next weekend will be my first big challenge.
Thanks again everyone ....this place is awesome.
Take care,
Steve

CarolD

By the end of my drinking....depression and self loathing were daily.
That is why I decided to join AA....

I'm glad you are chooseing a healthy sober future
Blessings to you and your family Steve

baldjim

i loved the drunken me ,life and soul of the party always happy

little did i realise i was just king of the idiots the losers who spent every day and every penny in the pub

i never drank much at home which made me feel good till i realised i was always up the pub

and the very reason i was happy up the pub was my craving for beer had gone and all the time i was with a bunch of losers i felt better about myself

drink is like the emperors clothes every body pretends they are ok but the kids can see what is really happening

my daughter loves the fact i dont drink,on a sunday we go swimming,bike riding,we walk the dogs we do loads of stuff ,its not daddy dont feel to good ,you watch tv i need to lay down

sorry ranting away i even forgot if i had a point let alone what it was

er here is a different point ... if you want to stop just stop no one makes you pour that poison down your thoat its not just your life you are destroying ,your kids need you to stop,your wife needs you to stop and the family you may drunk drive into and wipe out next time needs you to stop

next time the police may force you to stop ...could you manage without a driving license ????

just stop my friend the answer is so very simple dont drink today

all the best ..jim ...an ex drunken freak

mmeat

Thanks Baldjim. I can't wait until I have the energy on a Sunday to take the kids swimming! God, so many weekends I've wasted.
See I always felt good about drinking at home since I was doing it at home and not in some bar somewhere. Quality family time 'eh..lol.

And our family would suffer HORRIBLY If I didn't have a liscence!!!
Today I draw the line under my drinking
Thanks guys

serenelife

Steve,

Welcome! I too am on day one after a slip up. I wish you the best of luck in your quest for sobriety.

Take Care,


D

Wolfchild

Jane47

Welcome Steve!
Congrats on deciding to get sober, your life and your family's life will be so much better.

hps

Good luck on you day 1, and 2 and 3 and so on...

As for myself, there were countless number of times that I announced (to myself, others or both) I was no longer drinking, and I did stop for a bit, only to start again, for one reason or another. Maybe because after drinking for so long, my body and/or brain was not at all comfortable with removing the alcohol! In any case, what worked for me was to be hanging out with lots of people who had managed to break the habit- i.e. attending AA meetings & talking to people there I liked/respected.

You should also be talking to your doctor, probably there is nothing to worry about, but stopping drinking can be deadly. I didn't talk to a doctor when I stopped, but since I have heard stories, and read statistics. At least in retrospect, I don't think I should have taken this risk...

NAchic

Welcome Steve, You have made a great decision to get sober, Please keep coming back...tons of support here at SR.

mirage

Welcome Steve..glad you're here! A fellow beer drinker, eh? I can relate. Hope to hear more from you...I find reading and posting here is really helpful. :ghug3

spen71

Welcome Steve. I always like my beer. Back to day 2 for me after a relapse/

NewMe11109

Welcome Steve - Your story is mine. Same 3 kids. Same short temper. Same cravings. Same anger at myself for not being able to "fix it."

Finally, I just gave up. I decided that I couldn't do it myself and that I had no ability to control my drinking. I reached out to others (just like you are doing), started going to AA, and began working on the problems I was having in life (that were being covered up by my drinking).

I'm 9+ months sober now and so it is possible. I'm not going to drink today and that is all I have to worry about. It isn't easy, but you have such a great family -- it only goes down from here.

Welcome to SR!

coffeenut

Welcome....keep coming back.

mmeat

Thanks for all the replies guys!! I really feel like I have some support here
I was feeling so great yesterday with a new resolve to stop drinking. Yet as soon as the sun went down....here was this big urge to hit the beer store. I don't know what it is, but when evening hits....my brain switches over to buzz mode, if that makes any sense. I was in the shower last night and started to get a little scared thinking I could never go out with friends again ( like I used to). A night out with the boys was always a good release after a few weeks of hectic family life/work.
Here where I'm from, in the maritimes( Canada) beer is a way of life!
Anyhow, I ended up painting a room and keeping myself busy, and feel so clear headed this morning! I even woke up before the alarm.
Thanks again everyone, and have a great day.
Steve