Lilly Burn

I keep reading and reading the wonderful words written here on this forum, recognising, recognising, understanding what role alcohol has played in my life with my STBEXAH and how it affected both his actions and mine. I am slowing moving away from the terrible hurt this has all caused me, whilst he wafted into the sunset, set up home with a new woman within weeks in the west indies and left me in the UK to pick up the pieces, which to some degree I still am...I just got in touch with my step daughter this week. I have no contact with her because her mother (another partner of my ex's took the opportunity to ring and tell me terribly upsetting things, ringing me drunk (she also has problems) and she had me in bits so I have been unable emotionally to carry on my involvement with my stepdaugher...But someone was looking down as she had sent her own message on facebook in July, but I had never been on my page. I sent her a big apology and let her know how much i still cared and now feel by her response she is happy not to be forgotten but 10 months is a long time in the life of an 11/12 year old. This was a couple of days ago and this morning, I think triggered by this event, I just had the worst nightmare about my X, I woke myself up and it is still with me hours later..the pain, the betrayal, the anger, all of it was so so strong in my dream and I kept getting added layers of pain as the dream went on... I woke up exhausted and almost traumatised by the strength of feeling...I wish I had a button I could just switch off....I need this to be over for me...my life to feel complete and not to care what he is doing, where he is. I havent had any closure and yet have not engaged with him since he left. No contact...I know I wouldnt get closure, it would all still be my fault, (Killjoy that I am).In that I have remained strong...Just wanted to write this down...thank you for listening..Lilly Burn.

Free108

Ugh, I understand how you feel. Oh for that magic button that would just switch off the feelings you have for your X. Funnily enough, I had a disturbing dream last night too, but it wasn't a nightmare. I dreamt that we started talking again and he was amazingly understanding and loving and that we decided we should get back together again. Good Lord!!! Might as well have been a nightmare, but I woke up all upset because I realized how little I have let go, after so much effort.
What are you doing for yourself at the moment? Are you seeing friends, doing any hobbies, reading any good books? All of these kinds of things really help me. At least I feel like I'm building a life for myself and make me look forward to a time when I'm done grieving this relationship. Al-anon has helped too, although I don't go as often as I should...
(oh, btw, I was the killjoy too. Ha. Typical)

Redux

Bad dreams are the worst, especially when you still have unresolved feelings about a person. You think that when someone is gone they can't hurt you and then dam*ed if they don't sneak in your dreams and hurt you there!

What you dream is what is on your mind or worrying you and it's trying to get out. A lot of people with post traumatic stress syndrome dream about the things that caused the hurt - maybe you have a bit of that going on.

I'm so sorry for your hurt. Your stepdaughter will understand that you haven't been on FB - it's not like you have a ton of posts there where you were chatting with some folks and ignoring her. All you can do is our best.

You need to spend the next few months spoiling yourself - showing yourself that you are valuable and worth self-love. And remember that the woman he's with is now with an alcoholic who is going to hurt her like he hurt you. Pity her, don't envy her. You don't want that mess in your life anymore. I think in a few months you're going to realize that she did you a BIG favor by taking him off your hands.

((((HUGS)))) Hope you sleep better tonight!

Lilly Burn

Oh thank you redux...your words help so much..Lillyx

Learn2Live

I obviously can't say what will happen but would like to share a shortie: The "ex" who is out of my life dumped me and went to another woman months ago. They both have rather serious issues, including alcohol and heavy drugs. He set up house with her too but eventually she did to him the same thing he did to me (the same thing he has done to every other woman he has ever been with in his adult life).

So, it may help to remember that when a person hangs around people who choose that kind of lifestyle, they are as subject to the pains of that lifestyle as we are. So, what comes around goes around. The fact that you continue to think that everything is all peaches and cream with them is denial.

Lilly Burn, Do what it takes to get yourself out of denial, start accepting the cold, hard truth, and you will feel better and be able to turn off the switch. The nightmares will stop.