Suspicious

I am having some trouble in knowing how to feel, how to deal with something... maybe someone here can help.

I am trying to focus on me and worry about MY health & happiness. I am having trouble reconciling my feelings with my actions tho. For instance, all the kids were off with friends & family and we had a night all to ourselves. AH had asked me earlier what I wanted to do with our free night. Feeling all pissy about his sneaked use I tell him he can decide. The whole time I would be thinking 'I dont want to do anything with you because it is all an illusion. You sitting there acting like everything is hunky-doory and me sitting there acting like I dont know what I know.' As I thought about it tho I thought that attitude isnt focusing on me cuz what I really want to do is for us to go see a movie and then celebrate the empty house the way most parents do when the kids are gone (hint, hint). So I call him back and tell him about the movie I want to see & etc. I got the movie and the etc and I enjoyed the whole night. Then I wake up today feeling GUILTY!!! Like I was fraternizing with the 'enemy'. I dont know how to do this part! I still desire my husband and even tho the knowledge of his pill abuse is never completely gone I come the closest to forgetting during those times.... lost in the heat of passion I guess. But then after I get this dirty feeling... almost like I got drunk at a party and made out with some random guy... that whole feeling of having lost my inhibitions and the morning after regret.

So how do I do this? I have tried to think of 'that' part of our marriage the way I did about a guy I dated back years ago. When it was 2 consenting adults who have no intention of living happily ever after, no relationship even, just 2 people who like to spend time together sometimes but mostly 2 people who enjoy a sexual relationship with no strings attached. I try to tell myself that I am entitled to still enjoy the sexual part of our marriage even tho I know that so much of the rest of our marriage is a sham.

I am really sorry if this is too personal but I am just so depressed about feeling this way.

splendra

So you feel like you want to have sex with your husband but your feelings about his addiction make you feel like it is wrong to enjoy having sex with him.

Maybe decide which is more important having sex or creating distance with your H. It might be hard to get distance if you still have sex with him.

SailorKaren

I think some of us live with mixed feelings about our A. We love the person, but hate the addiction, and all the behaviors around it. Good for you for going back and claiming the movie experience for yourself. That's good self-care. You were honest about what you wanted, and he responded to that. Nice! I think we can detach from an addict and their behaviors and still remain close in other areas. I think it is a matter of knowing yourself, knowing what you are happy or willing to live with, and what parts you need to keep your distance from. Every relationship is different, and some of us cannot reconcile living in the same space as an addict. Others of us find ways to cohabit, where we get our needs met, and still maintain a relationship with a loved one.

I don't think you're relationship is like that of a one-night fling. You are still married, and it's OK to feel entitled to intimacy with your husband. Your marriage is not a sham. But it is in distress. Your husband is not really in his right mind. He is addicted. The best chance for your marriage, should you choose to continue with it, is to get and keep yourself healthy and at peace. Some detachment is likely to be necessary for you. But that will be his best chance to recover as well, once he realizes that you have stopped the codependent behaviors that have assisted him in maintaining his addiction. He will either come face-to-face with the consequences of his actions and recover, or continue deeper into his personal abyss. Sharing intimacy is not codependent behavior; being pissy, nagging, and ignoring your needs is. I haven't read any of your other posts, but you sound like you are on the right path and are taking some great steps for you. Way to go! Please keep posting and let us know how we can help.

Chino

If your husband is active in his addiction, there is no emotional intimacy when you have physical intimacy. Maybe you know this on some level already and that's why you get that yucky feeling?

Suspicious

Thanks to all of the answers... even the ones that were not telling me what I wanted to hear LOL.

I have been in a real funk today, dwelling on this. Right now I am focusing on back when I knew something was wrong but not what... this was before there was even a suspicion of pain pill abuse. I withdrew from him.... and I stressed for months and thought our problems were because of me and the distance I thought I was causing between us. I think that was the point that my subconscious sensed he wasnt connecting with me on an emotional level. At one point this past summer I got this glimpse of the man I first met and I knew without a doubt that my feelings for THAT person had not changed... I want my husband back. All the distance I put between us was in reaction to this whitewashed version of my husband.

I dont know if he will ever admit the problem and seek help let alone know if he will ever be off of these things. I do know that it may be a year or more before I am able financially to leave the situation (this hoping that this progresses slowly enough that I am not forced to leave before I am ready). In the meantime I will not stop hoping that the lightbulb eventually goes off over his head and he seeks help. I truly feel that if I shut myself off to him in that way that I am harming our marriage as much as he is... if he seeks help before I inform him that I am going to leave because of it what would happen if I had already ruined our marriage by withholding intimacy?

I dont know... I dont know who I am trying harder to convince with this... me or you guys. Right this second I am really regretting even putting this out there... as much as I wanted advice I think it might have been too personal.

splendra

Let's say he does go to treatment and he gets better he will know that withholding intimacy from some one who is strung out is not uncommon. Do what seems right to you. Whatever you decide to do is okay but, it is not okay to beat yourself up which ever way you go with it. Be gentle with yourself okay

imallright

I understand how confusing this can be. You are trying to make life "normal" and trying to connect with someone who can't right now. I know that feeling of "this is what I want so maybe if I do it THIS time it will make everything better". Don't beat yourself up for trying.... your heart is in the right place.

Unfortunately, my reality is that no matter what I did, it didn't change what he did. He either figures it out and wants to change or he doesn't. You owe it to you to think about if you want to continue to live like this or not. If not, then take those difficult steps to figure out what you DO want and move forward. When it is time you will know what forward means and you will just take the steps. I can't explain it totally.

I beat myself up for doing just what you are doing now... I thought MAKING it what I wanted was the answer... I thought if I stayed close to him and worked super hard at it, I would mean more and he would stop... he didn't. Yours might, but not because of all that you are doing or not doing.

Try to keep the healthy happy picture in your head and try to do something good for you and towards that "happy goal" every day. It's not an easy road, but neither is just faking it and turning yourself inside out to change him and the situation.

PM me if you want or at least keep coming back and keep asking yourself the questions. The lights are coming on and you are moving forward. I can hear it in your words. Hugs to you.