That man is stark raving mad
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
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That man is stark raving mad
So earlier this week I had an all night screaming/ crying match with AH while he details why he can't live with me, that he doesn't want to go to counceling with me. It only takes me a few days to get over that, but I do.
Last night he calls me to say that the place he was going to move into has fallen through and he needs for me to "start thinking" about the fact that he may need to move into this house with me and the kids.
He's on the lease. He pays the rent. I have been trying to get a job because financial independance will fix all of my problems with him.
This morning we had a discussion about it. Calm like. I told him we would have to go to counceling. It ended very nicely. Sweet even.
Then I went and had lunch with my soon to be ex mother in law, who left my AH's father in july. He and his father are exactly alike. They are both alcoholics and they are both passive aggressive jerks. Charming, sexy. Liars and drunks.
She told me, for the first time, why she left him. He's a sex addict and she found years worth of disgusting stuff. Years. She also told me all the horrible things that my AH says about me to them, how he brought his affair partner over to her house, what a sl** she was, tons of horrible stuff.
AH had texted me three times and called me twice while I was having lunch with her. I called him when I got out and said, "this is crazy. We can't live together. Look at how you raged at me the other night," and he started yelling at me. Of course. Now he's saying, "it's me or you" and that the kids can live with him. that he will not give me money but keep it for himself to get his own place.
I can't take this anymore. He is insane. When I interact with him I feel insane. I can't not interact with him because I'm financially dependant and haven't been able to get full time work.
I have been trying to get a job. Do you know what the economy is like in MIchigan? I"ve applied for cashier jobs, jobs in my field.
I have huge scary screams and sobs coming out of me AGAIN. I am so triggered. I am dealing with a mad man. He said crazy **** to me like, You want me to live in my car and stuff that makes NO SENSE. LIke I am his enemy. I'm not. I'm the one person who has stuck by him, stayed by him no matter what, taken him back again and again he's like a child, a monster backed into a corner.
I do not want this. I do not want to fight with him, go into a courtroom but will if I have to. Why can't he see what he is doing?
I can't get away from him until I have a job.
Last night he calls me to say that the place he was going to move into has fallen through and he needs for me to "start thinking" about the fact that he may need to move into this house with me and the kids.
He's on the lease. He pays the rent. I have been trying to get a job because financial independance will fix all of my problems with him.
This morning we had a discussion about it. Calm like. I told him we would have to go to counceling. It ended very nicely. Sweet even.
Then I went and had lunch with my soon to be ex mother in law, who left my AH's father in july. He and his father are exactly alike. They are both alcoholics and they are both passive aggressive jerks. Charming, sexy. Liars and drunks.
She told me, for the first time, why she left him. He's a sex addict and she found years worth of disgusting stuff. Years. She also told me all the horrible things that my AH says about me to them, how he brought his affair partner over to her house, what a sl** she was, tons of horrible stuff.
AH had texted me three times and called me twice while I was having lunch with her. I called him when I got out and said, "this is crazy. We can't live together. Look at how you raged at me the other night," and he started yelling at me. Of course. Now he's saying, "it's me or you" and that the kids can live with him. that he will not give me money but keep it for himself to get his own place.
I can't take this anymore. He is insane. When I interact with him I feel insane. I can't not interact with him because I'm financially dependant and haven't been able to get full time work.
I have been trying to get a job. Do you know what the economy is like in MIchigan? I"ve applied for cashier jobs, jobs in my field.
I have huge scary screams and sobs coming out of me AGAIN. I am so triggered. I am dealing with a mad man. He said crazy **** to me like, You want me to live in my car and stuff that makes NO SENSE. LIke I am his enemy. I'm not. I'm the one person who has stuck by him, stayed by him no matter what, taken him back again and again he's like a child, a monster backed into a corner.
I do not want this. I do not want to fight with him, go into a courtroom but will if I have to. Why can't he see what he is doing?
I can't get away from him until I have a job.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
OH thanks guys.
I"m going to bed. Texted him that I will get a lawyer and fight him if that's what he wants, then he turned all victim like saying I was "ruining" his time with the kids before they come home tomorrow morning and that he won't do anything to disrupt our family. He's freaking insane.
What a mind f*** this guy is. Calls me five times a day for weeks, lamenting about his job and how he hates it and when I don't want to listen (because he also says he's divorcing me because he doesn't want to "fix" our marriage) he lashes out.
He's like a child! Lashing out at me when he doesn't get what he wants! And I"m the crazy one, trying to make sense of it. He spews venom at me, then insists we have to live together because he can't find his own place. It's like he's tearing me down intentionally. He is a desperate man and has pushed away the person who loves him, turned me into his enemy. Why?? What the hell did I do to him? I didn't drink the house away, cheat on him repeatedly and sucker punch him emotionally. I just tried to fix our damn marriage.
I have to go to sleep now, I wish I could stop crying. Maybe I need anti depressants or something, I felt this way when I first found out about his affair too, and for months afterwords.
I"m going to bed. Texted him that I will get a lawyer and fight him if that's what he wants, then he turned all victim like saying I was "ruining" his time with the kids before they come home tomorrow morning and that he won't do anything to disrupt our family. He's freaking insane.
What a mind f*** this guy is. Calls me five times a day for weeks, lamenting about his job and how he hates it and when I don't want to listen (because he also says he's divorcing me because he doesn't want to "fix" our marriage) he lashes out.
He's like a child! Lashing out at me when he doesn't get what he wants! And I"m the crazy one, trying to make sense of it. He spews venom at me, then insists we have to live together because he can't find his own place. It's like he's tearing me down intentionally. He is a desperate man and has pushed away the person who loves him, turned me into his enemy. Why?? What the hell did I do to him? I didn't drink the house away, cheat on him repeatedly and sucker punch him emotionally. I just tried to fix our damn marriage.
I have to go to sleep now, I wish I could stop crying. Maybe I need anti depressants or something, I felt this way when I first found out about his affair too, and for months afterwords.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you everyone
I"m going to say this to myself today, all day.
The kids come home at 9:30 and I got up early and did some work. Realistically, if I just complete my freelance work right now, I would have a bit more money for the next few months at least. Of course, from the sounds of it, AH will be withholding the money he promised me so he can rent his own place.
He just sent me a text sayng
I am going to start looking for a place today amd will keep you involved with what i find and what it will cost. There is no war here. I only want peace but i have to work on dumping my fear and expressing it negativly. See you at 9:30
I can't believe how much I hate him. Its horrible. I'm afriad I will scream uncontrollably at him when I see him. I have to get control of myself. I have to be as calculated and manipulative as he is for now. Fight back with stealth and distant charm, instead of being stark raving mad out of my mind because I've let him push my buttons. And I don't think I have any bigger buttons than HE WON'T GIVE ME MONEY FOR MY RENT, WILL RENT HIS OWN PLACE AND TAKE THE KIDS FROM ME.
I tried sending him an email but all I can do is scream how much I hate him. I need to not interact with him at all and sort out why I feel so ashamed and like I screwed up and only want to kill him.
You will get a job, you will leave him and you will have a happy life. Just know this is all happening for some sort of reason.
The kids come home at 9:30 and I got up early and did some work. Realistically, if I just complete my freelance work right now, I would have a bit more money for the next few months at least. Of course, from the sounds of it, AH will be withholding the money he promised me so he can rent his own place.
He just sent me a text sayng
I am going to start looking for a place today amd will keep you involved with what i find and what it will cost. There is no war here. I only want peace but i have to work on dumping my fear and expressing it negativly. See you at 9:30
I can't believe how much I hate him. Its horrible. I'm afriad I will scream uncontrollably at him when I see him. I have to get control of myself. I have to be as calculated and manipulative as he is for now. Fight back with stealth and distant charm, instead of being stark raving mad out of my mind because I've let him push my buttons. And I don't think I have any bigger buttons than HE WON'T GIVE ME MONEY FOR MY RENT, WILL RENT HIS OWN PLACE AND TAKE THE KIDS FROM ME.
I tried sending him an email but all I can do is scream how much I hate him. I need to not interact with him at all and sort out why I feel so ashamed and like I screwed up and only want to kill him.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by transformyself 
I have to get control of myself. I have to be as calculated and manipulative as he is for now. Fight back with stealth and distant charm, instead of being stark raving mad out of my mind because I've let him push my buttons. And I don't think I have any bigger buttons than HE WON'T GIVE ME MONEY FOR MY RENT, WILL RENT HIS OWN PLACE AND TAKE THE KIDS FROM ME.
I tried sending him an email but all I can do is scream how much I hate him. I need to not interact with him at all and sort out why I feel so ashamed and like I screwed up and only want to kill him.
I tried sending him an email but all I can do is scream how much I hate him. I need to not interact with him at all and sort out why I feel so ashamed and like I screwed up and only want to kill him.
I think you're right - you have to be as calculated and manipulative as he is. You have the upper hand - you do not need him. Just his money. Stay strong and keep your eye on your goals - getting rent money from him and keeping your kids with you and getting him out of your hair.
I know it's easy to believe that he will take your kids away but that's fear talking.
Do you have a lawyer? Or any legal help to make him pay?
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
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No lawyer, but all the paper work is already filled out, and was filed last august 2008 when he was living with his piece of crap ***** and i filed for divorce. Of course, he wanted to come home after that and of course I let him. Why? So he could torture me for another year. More drinking, more cheating, more verbal abuse.
When I told the lawyer to withdraw the motion, she did so and told me, "keep the paper work."
there is no pro bono work on my county for divorce.
Everything I do from here on out will be to further my goal of financial independance.
I can't believe how much I hate him. I took a clonopin and hope it kicks in before he gets here so I can smile and greet the kids instead of telling him what a self serving, manipulative monster he is.
When I told the lawyer to withdraw the motion, she did so and told me, "keep the paper work."
there is no pro bono work on my county for divorce.
Everything I do from here on out will be to further my goal of financial independance.
I can't believe how much I hate him. I took a clonopin and hope it kicks in before he gets here so I can smile and greet the kids instead of telling him what a self serving, manipulative monster he is.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yep, its' that rage I have to harness and redirect into energy that will serve me and my kids. Want to put a hit out on him? How about you finish that feature instead? And make it a spectacular one that earns me tons of money and admiration from the non profit I"m writing about so they might hire me.
Well the clonipin worked, I was calm but busy when he arrived. He unloaded the kids stuff, sat at the kitchen table and asked if we could "stop hating on each other and have an adult discussion," "Sure," I said.
So he claims that he has impulse problems and does indeed lash out when he feels backed into a corner. That he thinks I don't care about him, that I just want his money and don't care whether or not he has a place to live (all true, what does he expect, undying devotion in the face of emotional abuse, alcoholism, denial, blame shifting and affairs?) That he's not going to withhold my rent money, or take the kids from me. sure, Keep talking, Loco. That's how I know you're lying...your mouth is moving.
Well the clonipin worked, I was calm but busy when he arrived. He unloaded the kids stuff, sat at the kitchen table and asked if we could "stop hating on each other and have an adult discussion," "Sure," I said.
So he claims that he has impulse problems and does indeed lash out when he feels backed into a corner. That he thinks I don't care about him, that I just want his money and don't care whether or not he has a place to live (all true, what does he expect, undying devotion in the face of emotional abuse, alcoholism, denial, blame shifting and affairs?) That he's not going to withhold my rent money, or take the kids from me. sure, Keep talking, Loco. That's how I know you're lying...your mouth is moving.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Impulse control? Most two year olds have poor impulse control but they GROW OUT OF IT. You're not his mommy and he's not two years old.
He needs to wake up and realize that HE and his "impulse control" issues are the reason that there is nothing left between you two except for financial dependence. If you walk out in the rain, you get wet. If you mistreat someone long enough, they stop caring about you. It's simple cause and effect. He treated you badly, now nothing is left except financial dependence.
I hope you will be INDEPENDENT in all ways, financial and otherwise, from him soon.
I always make the mistake of trying to reason with my ABF and I've learned the hard way it's just a huge waste of time and energy. You can't reason with him so might as well stop trying. Let him think what he wants - you keep your eye on your goal and if you have to be manipulative and sneaky to get there, well nobody is going to fault you for having to fight fire with fire. You're in a fight for your survival and you don't have the option to deal with him in good faith if you want to keep a roof over your family's head. You're forced to play the hand HE dealt you.
My counselor told me that hate and love are very closely related. That's so true!
He needs to wake up and realize that HE and his "impulse control" issues are the reason that there is nothing left between you two except for financial dependence. If you walk out in the rain, you get wet. If you mistreat someone long enough, they stop caring about you. It's simple cause and effect. He treated you badly, now nothing is left except financial dependence.
I hope you will be INDEPENDENT in all ways, financial and otherwise, from him soon.
I always make the mistake of trying to reason with my ABF and I've learned the hard way it's just a huge waste of time and energy. You can't reason with him so might as well stop trying. Let him think what he wants - you keep your eye on your goal and if you have to be manipulative and sneaky to get there, well nobody is going to fault you for having to fight fire with fire. You're in a fight for your survival and you don't have the option to deal with him in good faith if you want to keep a roof over your family's head. You're forced to play the hand HE dealt you.
My counselor told me that hate and love are very closely related. That's so true!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
If you mistreat someone long enough, they stop caring about you. It's simple cause and effect. He treated you badly, now nothing is left except financial dependence.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by transformyself
thank you for this. I must be some type of super dumb a** to not get this stuff..
You're really smart for seeing that you need to get out of this and for crafting your plan to do that.
I think one of the hardest things about this that while we're going through the emotional divorce, we end up feeling stupid for sticking with it for so long, and the alcoholic plays on that as much as he can to make sure we suffer for not letting him get away with what he wants.
We're not stupid - we're just too generous. Time for us all to be selfish!!!
WOOHOO! 
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
I'm also in a place of having to keep my anger and pain to myself, because my xabf owes me loads of money and if I told him what I think of him, I would definitely jeopardize my chances of getting any of it back. I HATE that I'm still having to keep my mouth shut as I always did, when I'm ready to not be under his abusive thumb anymore, but I try to tell myself that I'm doing this for ME this time, not for him. I'm looking after my OWN interests and not him and his feelings.
I'm praying for plenty of money for you to rent your own place!
I'm praying for plenty of money for you to rent your own place!
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you free, I appreaciate the prayers. I'm already in a place, moved in Sept 2. Now I need to support myself. We were suppose to move in together but I caught him texting the s*** bag Aug 7 and moved out without him. AFTER of course he said he was divorcing me and couldn't live with me.
It's ridiculous. I'm hanging out with the kids, eating and thinking, "I should invite AH over after he gets out of work to feed him some of this great soup." Then I remember he's not really my husband, just a drunk d***wad that looks like my husband..
It's ridiculous. I'm hanging out with the kids, eating and thinking, "I should invite AH over after he gets out of work to feed him some of this great soup." Then I remember he's not really my husband, just a drunk d***wad that looks like my husband..
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