First Grocery Store Run
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
First Grocery Store Run
That was more difficult than I thought. I went by the beer aisle 4 times. Didn't pick up, but I have that little catch in my chest that really wants a drink. I got the same thing the other day as I threw away my remaining booze bottles and noticed the few drops left inside them. It was like getting a jolt.
I haven't had a drink since Sunday, so I'm on day five. I'm 28 years old. I've been drinking since I was 17, but I've never been a daily drinker, though I've gotten close lately. I have always been a binge drinker, and I've humiliated and endangered myself many times.
I drank occasionally in high school, then more in college. My senior year of college I was drinking all the time, sent to the hospital twice, cited for disorderly once (I never drink and drive, so I've never gotten a DUI. My only good drinking quality). After college, I cleaned myself up pretty well, went through grad school, gradually drinking more and more as time went along. I'd still get innappropriately drunk a few times a year with other people, but more and more I drank alone, so I could do what I really wanted, get totally hammered without humans getting in the way.
I graduated and got a high paying, stressful job. I struggled at it, not really because of the drinking at first, but as I realized I was sinking I began to drink more and more. I eventually was fired. Thanks to my strong academic background, I got another high paying, but much less prestigious job. It pays well, but it is sort of a dead end career wise. Once again, I kept clean for a while, but as I settled into the job and the routine the booze came back.
Despite all this, I never really believed I had a problem. I was young, I liked to drink, so what? I'd clean up when I got older. Sure, alcoholism runs rampant in my family, and my Aunt was a junkie who died of drug abuse in her mid-30's, but I never got scared until this year. My drinking was becoming more frequent, and more intense. Before I would drink a half bottle of wine. Now, a whole bottle left me frustrated. I needed a whole bottle plus a couple beers.
Ironically, no one else sees the problem, which only made it worse. My performance at work has fallen like a stone, yet my reviews were glowing. I got horribly drunk in front of my parents, something I'd never done, and they laughed. Everyone thinks I'm very serious and responsible, so when I cut drink and cut loose, people think its fun. This just made me want to drink more and more.
Two weeks ago today, we had a work happy hour. I drank more than I should, but it was not a disaster. I came home and drank some more. I decided not to drink for a while after that. I lasted 3 days. Day four, I decided to buy a bottle of wine. Drank it down. The next day I bought a bottle of scotch and a bottle of vodka. That night, I drank 3/4 of the scotch and some of the vodka. The next day I had the worst hangover of my life. Even worse, I had fallen in the middle of the night and gashed my head. There was blood everywhere, all over my sheets, the floor, the wall. I called in sick to work that day and was in bed till 5. That night, I finished the scotch. Called in sick Friday too. The next night, the vodka. Saturday I did not drink, but Sunday I went to work and drank alcohol there until I was blacked out. I went to work hung over that day, and realized for the first time that this was scary stuff. Normal people don't do this, not ever. A few months ago I woke up with a hangover and noticed some leftover whiskey in the glass and drank it before work. I've done that a few more times since. Normal people never do that.
I'm sorry I talked so long. Its probably way too much too read. But I guess I've never told a single human about my secret drinking before and I had a lot to say. Thanks for listening.
I haven't had a drink since Sunday, so I'm on day five. I'm 28 years old. I've been drinking since I was 17, but I've never been a daily drinker, though I've gotten close lately. I have always been a binge drinker, and I've humiliated and endangered myself many times.
I drank occasionally in high school, then more in college. My senior year of college I was drinking all the time, sent to the hospital twice, cited for disorderly once (I never drink and drive, so I've never gotten a DUI. My only good drinking quality). After college, I cleaned myself up pretty well, went through grad school, gradually drinking more and more as time went along. I'd still get innappropriately drunk a few times a year with other people, but more and more I drank alone, so I could do what I really wanted, get totally hammered without humans getting in the way.
I graduated and got a high paying, stressful job. I struggled at it, not really because of the drinking at first, but as I realized I was sinking I began to drink more and more. I eventually was fired. Thanks to my strong academic background, I got another high paying, but much less prestigious job. It pays well, but it is sort of a dead end career wise. Once again, I kept clean for a while, but as I settled into the job and the routine the booze came back.
Despite all this, I never really believed I had a problem. I was young, I liked to drink, so what? I'd clean up when I got older. Sure, alcoholism runs rampant in my family, and my Aunt was a junkie who died of drug abuse in her mid-30's, but I never got scared until this year. My drinking was becoming more frequent, and more intense. Before I would drink a half bottle of wine. Now, a whole bottle left me frustrated. I needed a whole bottle plus a couple beers.
Ironically, no one else sees the problem, which only made it worse. My performance at work has fallen like a stone, yet my reviews were glowing. I got horribly drunk in front of my parents, something I'd never done, and they laughed. Everyone thinks I'm very serious and responsible, so when I cut drink and cut loose, people think its fun. This just made me want to drink more and more.
Two weeks ago today, we had a work happy hour. I drank more than I should, but it was not a disaster. I came home and drank some more. I decided not to drink for a while after that. I lasted 3 days. Day four, I decided to buy a bottle of wine. Drank it down. The next day I bought a bottle of scotch and a bottle of vodka. That night, I drank 3/4 of the scotch and some of the vodka. The next day I had the worst hangover of my life. Even worse, I had fallen in the middle of the night and gashed my head. There was blood everywhere, all over my sheets, the floor, the wall. I called in sick to work that day and was in bed till 5. That night, I finished the scotch. Called in sick Friday too. The next night, the vodka. Saturday I did not drink, but Sunday I went to work and drank alcohol there until I was blacked out. I went to work hung over that day, and realized for the first time that this was scary stuff. Normal people don't do this, not ever. A few months ago I woke up with a hangover and noticed some leftover whiskey in the glass and drank it before work. I've done that a few more times since. Normal people never do that.
I'm sorry I talked so long. Its probably way too much too read. But I guess I've never told a single human about my secret drinking before and I had a lot to say. Thanks for listening.
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Malcoms and welcome to SR!
Yep-
I remember making my sponsor go with me the first few times i went to Wal Mart ...
wow.
brought back some memories!
I feel it important to direct you to the stickies down in the alcoholism forums - especially the 'under the influence excerpts. And I should also caution you about going cold turkey off alcohol without medical supervision.
Alcohol is the only drugthat can kill if you suddenly stop.
Please contact someone for advice medically - we don't do that here - but it's easy enough to do in whatever area you're in.
you're not alone I hope you'll keep postiNg!
Yep-
I remember making my sponsor go with me the first few times i went to Wal Mart ...
wow.
brought back some memories!
I feel it important to direct you to the stickies down in the alcoholism forums - especially the 'under the influence excerpts. And I should also caution you about going cold turkey off alcohol without medical supervision.
Alcohol is the only drugthat can kill if you suddenly stop.
Please contact someone for advice medically - we don't do that here - but it's easy enough to do in whatever area you're in.
you're not alone I hope you'll keep postiNg!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
If you're five days off alcohol I would think you're over the worst of the withdrawals, but do seek medical help if you should have any problems.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family. We are all here to support ourselves and each other in our clean and sober journeys. My drinking career was short but brilliant and it took me a while to be able to stop. I've relapsed more than I'd like to remember, but this time I believe I'll be able to stay sober.
Welcome to SR! You've come to a great place for support and understanding.
I'm glad you found us and joined the family. We are all here to support ourselves and each other in our clean and sober journeys. My drinking career was short but brilliant and it took me a while to be able to stop. I've relapsed more than I'd like to remember, but this time I believe I'll be able to stay sober.
Welcome to SR! You've come to a great place for support and understanding.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Thanks, both of you for for your thoughts. I appreciate it greatly.
Yes, its been 5 days without any symptoms so I think I'm probably ok. I had some insomnia the first day but I've had that my whole life. I've never drank daily and I've only been drinking really heavily fairly recently so I guess I've avoided that at least.
I did read the sticky about what to expect when quitting. Actually, its how I ended up on this site. Barb, I will take your reccomendation and check out the Under the Influence thread.
I literally can't remember the last Friday night I haven't had alcohol, usually a lot of it. It was just automatic. Keep a lid on things M-Thursday (though that lid was becoming increasinly tenuous) then go nuts on Friday and Saturday. Nice to at least talk to somebody.
Yes, its been 5 days without any symptoms so I think I'm probably ok. I had some insomnia the first day but I've had that my whole life. I've never drank daily and I've only been drinking really heavily fairly recently so I guess I've avoided that at least.
I did read the sticky about what to expect when quitting. Actually, its how I ended up on this site. Barb, I will take your reccomendation and check out the Under the Influence thread.
I literally can't remember the last Friday night I haven't had alcohol, usually a lot of it. It was just automatic. Keep a lid on things M-Thursday (though that lid was becoming increasinly tenuous) then go nuts on Friday and Saturday. Nice to at least talk to somebody.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Thanks guys.
I just read the Under the Influence sections. I've always blacked out a lot. I thought everybody did. Lately I've been blacking out a lot faster than I used it. I never really considered that to be an additional problem. But god, it is the worst. How often I wake up in the morning and stay in bed and pretend to be asleep, just because when I get up I have to deal with whatever stupid thing I might have done the night before.
I just read the Under the Influence sections. I've always blacked out a lot. I thought everybody did. Lately I've been blacking out a lot faster than I used it. I never really considered that to be an additional problem. But god, it is the worst. How often I wake up in the morning and stay in bed and pretend to be asleep, just because when I get up I have to deal with whatever stupid thing I might have done the night before.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 612
Malcolm, I'm on day 7 and completely know what you went through. I actually went to the store on Tuesday to buy ingredients for a recipe for dinner the next night. My husband was coming home from out of town. The recipe called for 2 cups of red wine. I actually bought one of those small Vendange cardboard thingies that says it is 3 servings. I thought, oh well, if there is a little left, so what would it hurt? As it turned out, 3 of their "servings" was exactly 2 cups! So there was none left and my (albeit very short) sober string stayed intact. Maybe it was a sign. Don't know. Anyway, I found this site earlier in the week and read the posts at least twice a day. It really gives me great motivation. Mostly, reading the Newcomers posts keeps me reminded of the hell that I used to put myself through. Welcome and try to stay with it, just as I am going to try. Best to you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Originally Posted by mirage 
Hi Malcolms, glad you're here..I think you'll find SR really helpful! Congrats on day 5 and for realizing what's going on with you before it gets worse. Hope to read more from you!
I've been reading a lot of SR this week. Every night really. And one thing that struck me is while my problems aren't as bad as some people's yet (though re-reading my original post, its pretty serious already) I'm still fairly young (though certainly not getting any younger). Especially when I was reading some of the posts from men in their 40's and 50's describing their drinking career's - so many of them followed the same path as I have so far in my career. And in many cases that path ends up with them in an awful place. So I guess I'm just wondering if that is going to happen to me. Would it if I keep drinking? And can I avoid it? Do I have to really hit bottom like that?
Thanks again everybody. This is literally the most I've ever talked about myself in my entire life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 91
Asta1
Congratulations! 7 days, so you've made it through a weekend. I doubt I have had a totally sober weekend in oh, probably 6 or 7 years.
I would not trust myself cooking with wine right now. So congrats on actually cooking with it! Is it easier having your husband with you? I live alone, so if I fail to stay sober, no one will know (and I've gotten very good over the years at hiding that from the outside world).
Congratulations! 7 days, so you've made it through a weekend. I doubt I have had a totally sober weekend in oh, probably 6 or 7 years.
I would not trust myself cooking with wine right now. So congrats on actually cooking with it! Is it easier having your husband with you? I live alone, so if I fail to stay sober, no one will know (and I've gotten very good over the years at hiding that from the outside world).
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Welcome Malcoms -
What you are describing is similar to what I experienced with some of my family - they just didn't believe that I was an alcoholic. They thought they were being nice, but what they didn't realize was that they were feeding my denial. if no one else thinks I'm an alcoholic, then I must not be one!?!
From what you have described, I would also agree that you are likely an alcoholic.
You have tried to moderate, and that hasn't worked too well. So, now it is time to try something else.
Welcome to SR -- we are here to help.
What you are describing is similar to what I experienced with some of my family - they just didn't believe that I was an alcoholic. They thought they were being nice, but what they didn't realize was that they were feeding my denial. if no one else thinks I'm an alcoholic, then I must not be one!?!
From what you have described, I would also agree that you are likely an alcoholic.
You have tried to moderate, and that hasn't worked too well. So, now it is time to try something else.
Welcome to SR -- we are here to help.
part time member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
I noticed that I left some alcohol in a glass the night before so I drank it in the morning and then I went and got some more. I don't think that this is normal..that is when I realized that I was in trouble....and really had to put some effort into stopping. so far so good.
welcome to the site.
welcome to the site.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Bethany, OK
Posts: 47
Originally Posted by Malcolms
Thats it, isn't it? Before it gets worse?
I've been reading a lot of SR this week. Every night really. And one thing that struck me is while my problems aren't as bad as some people's yet (though re-reading my original post, its pretty serious already) I'm still fairly young (though certainly not getting any younger). Especially when I was reading some of the posts from men in their 40's and 50's describing their drinking career's - so many of them followed the same path as I have so far in my career. And in many cases that path ends up with them in an awful place. So I guess I'm just wondering if that is going to happen to me. Would it if I keep drinking? And can I avoid it? Do I have to really hit bottom like that?
Thanks again everybody. This is literally the most I've ever talked about myself in my entire life.
I've been reading a lot of SR this week. Every night really. And one thing that struck me is while my problems aren't as bad as some people's yet (though re-reading my original post, its pretty serious already) I'm still fairly young (though certainly not getting any younger). Especially when I was reading some of the posts from men in their 40's and 50's describing their drinking career's - so many of them followed the same path as I have so far in my career. And in many cases that path ends up with them in an awful place. So I guess I'm just wondering if that is going to happen to me. Would it if I keep drinking? And can I avoid it? Do I have to really hit bottom like that?
Thanks again everybody. This is literally the most I've ever talked about myself in my entire life.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to our recovery community......
"Under The Influence" was the book that convinced me to quit.
I too thought everyone blacked out. I also was unaware of
how the liver and brain enzymes were affected by alcohol.
I took that info---re connected to God and AA
and have not had another drink
I so hope you will find your way
Recovery really rocks.....
"Under The Influence" was the book that convinced me to quit.
I too thought everyone blacked out. I also was unaware of
how the liver and brain enzymes were affected by alcohol.
I took that info---re connected to God and AA
and have not had another drink
I so hope you will find your way
Recovery really rocks.....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Malcolms, I'm here to tell you from my own personal experience, it can get way worse. I don't ever want to be back where I was. Just horrible.
Glad you found us, this site is wonderful. Lot's of great people here with support and experience. Welcome to SR!!
Glad you found us, this site is wonderful. Lot's of great people here with support and experience. Welcome to SR!!
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