Sikofit

I have a good friend; we've been close for 35 years. She was always having stomach issues and running to ER for anything. In the later years, she's getting hospitalized all the time. This last incident, she had a 'migraine.' Her boss took her to ER (we work for a health system). Of course, they couldn't resolve the pain and admitted her. After a negative CT scan, supposedly they finally found out she had a 'serious sinus infection' and finally found drugs to help her.
She takes Percoset on a regular basis. She's been diagnosed with vague stomach problems. She was just out of work for one week earlier this month because she had a root canal and had to go back to the dentist FOUR days in a row to get shot up with painkillers again. Every pain she has is the worst anyone could ever have.
I've taken her to have a diagnostic outpatient test done, and they couldn't give her enough to put her in a twighlight sleep, so they couldn't do the test.
Her family thinks I am the bad guy here, because I keep insisting that she can't always have the WORST pain of everything and I fear she's just using these frequent hospitalizations to get hooked up to narcotic IV drugs. This last time she was on Dilaudid and couldn't even find relief, OR sleep, with that.
Am I way off base with my suspicions? What should I do?
Thanks for any help or advice.
Sikofit

Impurrfect

Welcome to SR!

I'm a recovering addict (who used to be a nurse) and also a recovering codie. My gut says she is definitely coming up with whatever she can to get pain meds, and her tolerance has gone so high that a "normal" dose doesn't do much for her.

When I abused opiates, I was the same way.

As far as what you can do, the answer is not much, other than stop enabling her. Maybe stop taking her to all these tests, exams, etc. If she needs to go to the ER for a "shot" then let her find another way...they won't release her to drive, so she will have to find someone else or call a cab.

If I were you, I would step back and let her deal with her pain issues. Perhaps her family doesn't see what YOU are seeing because they haven't been drug to all these tests, ER's etc with her to see how often she's going. Or, they're simply in denial..."not MY daughter/sister/etc"

She will not be happy when you start making changes...be prepared. However, the people I got the maddest at for not enabling me, when I was using, are the people I'm most grateful to now that I'm clean.

There are a lot of supportive people here, and you may want to read around some other posts and you might find some similarities to your situation.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

laurie6781

From what you have described I concur with Amy, she is drug seeking.

She will soon have a 'record' at the different ER's and they will stop giving her pain drugs. Then she will Dr seek and then she will hit the streets.

What can you do? Nothing until she is ready.

You didn't cause this.

You can't control this.

You can't cure this.

You can step back and watch and wait. There are two groups which might help you Naranon and/or Al-Anon. I mention Al-Anon as many times there are a lot more meetings at different times and days to fit into your schedule, then there are of Naranon. These programs are for you. They help you to learn how to set boundaries for yourself, how to change your actions, etc

Pleaase do some reading on the forum and check out the "stickys" at the top of the forum.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

Sikofit

Thanks Amy. I actually have only taken her to the one test; and I have gone once or twice to the ER with her.

I have confronted her with the issue; she denies it and says I'm a horrible friend, etc. It's very hard because she's very involved with my family and is at many of our functions. They all agree she has a problem but none of them will be upfront with her about it. So I get left looking like a huge b!tch because if I'm not with her, I'm apparently against her.

My real problem is that I don't want to be an uncaring friend, but others who know the situation agree that something is just not right here. It's her immediate family--spouse, adult children, parents--who seem to really buy into the whole thing.

I guess there is nothing I can do...just want to reassure myself that I'M not the crazy one.

Sikofit

Thank you Laurie. The only thing that I disagree with is, she has very good healthcare and is very convincing. It seems that she can always get admitted or get prescribed something. I know she considers Percoset to be one of her "everyday" meds. She cries and describes the pain as "so bad" and it seems there is always a doctor willing to admit her, run tests, etc. Which doesn't surprise me; when my Mom was DYING, they wanted to keep running tests and we finally had to refuse them...I know how medical billing works and know that if there's a payment method available, a provider will try to justify any kind of test.

The really hard thing is just having to sit back and watch this all, while being branded a horrible, unfeeling person. But I'm not seeing any other solution. I don't want to wake up some day and hear about a "Michael Jackson" type of situation--is there any way that she will just kind of be able to continue along like this indefinitely??

I'm having a hard time finding any posts related to my topic. She doesn't steal--she and her spouse make a good living. She doesn't go off to get high; mostly she stays home a lot. The way this really affects me is that we are as close as sisters, and when she calls me crying and telling me she's in the hospital yet again, or home from work yet again, I have a really hard time being sympathetic.

Thanks for listening.

Sikofit

Just found this and it's really great:

Today, I will trust my truth, my instincts, and my ability to ground myself in reality. I will not allow myself to be swayed by bullying, manipulating, games, dishonesty, or people with peculiar agendas.

Also the saying, I don't think I'm never wrong, but I'm not always wrong. That really rings true to me!

hello-kitty

A truly caring friend would not enable someone they love to pursue something which is unhealthy and potentially deadly. A real friend is one that isn't afraid to draw the line in a friendship and walk away if necessary.

It's about personal boundaries. What are yours? Where do you draw the line?

littlebird77

She must be in pain because she has developed a tolerance to the opiates and her body requires/ craves more for satisfaction. My confusion is her method of "doctor-shopping" is she going to the ER a lot because she has no medical? If so than that would make sense to me.

Learn2Live

Hi Sikofit,

No, you are probably right on with your suspicions. What you describe is typical behavior of persons addicted to pills. I have known many such people, two of whom were my brother and ex-sister-in-law.

Yes, they believe they are in pain. Yes, they invent complaints of injuries, pains, and illnesses to get meds. Yes, they doctor hop. Yes, they will call 9-1-1 to get an ambo to take them to the E.R. so they can get pills or pain shots. Yes, they will call 9-1-1 every month. Yes, they forge prescriptions. Yes, they have elective surgeries just to get pills.

But, most annoyingly, yes they will use YOUR address for the medical people to send their bills to! OH, and don't let me forget: Once the bills start coming to your house, the BILL COLLECTORS start calling your house. AND every time the debt gets sold to another debt collection agency, THEY TOO call your house at all hours of the night. It never stops.

You have placed yourself in a precarious position. You are assisting an addict to continue in her delusions (her denial) and you are acting as the scapegoat (taking the blame from many sides). This is typical of kind, compassionate, good and caring people who want to be a good friend to an addict. We try to help others but actually wind up hurting them in the long run.

If you continue to associate with this woman, you will find that her disease of addiction will get progressively worse. As you continue in your role of "friend" to her (that is, enabler) you will become more and more enmeshed in her life and all the problems this disease causes.

Please understand that once she has used up all available resources to get pills, she will then turn to street drugs. There is no difference except that pills can be gotten legally, as long as she can effectively continue the charade. Illegal drugs bring with them all sorts of worse problems than the fact that someone doesn't like you and you are seen as a horrible friend.

Here is my advice:
First, trust your instincts.
Second, learn the truth. About yourself, and about addiction and codependence.
Third, get this woman out of your life.

P.S. Don't believe the "Oh, I'm in so much pain!" B.S. My brother was on these things for over 20 years and it was the same from him. He has been clean for about 2 years now and he now tells me that yes, he believed it at the time (he has had two back surgeries and a knee surgery, neither of which do I believe were necessary) but now that he is clean, his back pain does not bother him.

splendra

People do experience pain differently. The brain in most people does make a form of pain killer. Maybe your friend's brain does not make enough of this hormone.

In my family there are 4 siblings all but me are strung out on drugs we all look so much a like but what is the difference? I believe it is brain chemistry I am the lucky one that slipped under the wire.

Sikofit

Just wanted to check in. I haven't spoken to my friend in a couple of weeks. This is very hard for me; as I said, she's like a sister to me. But I feel like I can't talk to her and have her think that I buy into the charade that has become her life any more.

I've been trying to do research on what I feel is her addiction, but it's very hard; she doesn't fit many of the classic addict scenarios.

A couple of my sisters, who are also close to her, actually took her flowers last week, because "Well, we've never SEEN her take these drugs, and she was in the hospital!" A niece of mine thinks I make my friend "defensive" when I question her on her frequent need for ER visits and hospitalizations.

All in all, I feel like I'm making the right decision in staying away from her, but it is very hard.

And I'm not trying to minimalize anyone else's problems with addicts; really. I live with an AH--and for the most part, with help from people here, visits to Al-Anon, and some intense reading, I've learned to deal with the situation and we co-exist pretty peacefully for the majority of the time now. So this whole scenario isn't entirely foreign to me, and I realize that my friend's addiction problem is not as threatening to me and my immediate lifestyle if we were married or something. I just don't know if there is anything else I should be doing. I sometimes feel that by ignoring her I am not being a true friend and ignoring what I think will be an escalating problem.

Thanks for any and all input.

Sikofit

Hoping I can get some...support, I guess.

I'm still friends with this person, like I said, she's like a sister. She's still using, but now with a different tack--she ADMITS she is addicted! And the hard part for me is now wondering, what do I do?

A couple of months ago, she called me, said that I had been "mostly" right, that she DID have pain, but was using her hospitalizations to get the drugs (Dilaudid?) and that she recognized that. I asked, "What can I do to help you?" She said, "Nothing, I need to deal with this myself--I'm working with my doctor [he is also MY general practice doctor] to wean myself off of them." Fast forward a month or so, and a new urologist "discovered" that she had a twisted kidney and blocked ureter and THAT is what is causing all of her pain...so she went through surgery for it and had a stent inserted for 6 weeks...which of course, caused more pain, and more need for painkillers. [Anyone ever heard of this procedure?? She says she always KNEW something was wrong and that it was a necessary surgery...I feel it's fishy after 5 years or so of this. I mean, maybe a certain percentage of us walk around with this every day with no ill effects? But they've done SO many tests on her over the years--this is just the latest "find."]

The stent was removed a week ago...I got a call last night from her again stating that she needed to get off the painkillers, and was again being weaned off them with the doctor's help. Said she'd HAD to use them during the surgery recovery and the pain of having the stent in, but now she was ready to leave them behind and this is a "new" feeling--she wants to get off them and be "normal" again. She said she had a horrible night of withdrawal symptoms, and the doctor did give her a shot of something the next day that was non-narcotic, but which allowed the pain to subside and allowed her to sleep, after many hours of vomiting, pain, etc.

My problem is: I don't know what to DO with this information! I asked how I could help--she said just be supportive. I said, "Ok, but that means I'm going to be more up front about asking you if you're taking the drugs and questioning you about it." [Usually, if you ask her how she's feeling and she's not actively "sick," you get a very quick, "Good, I feel good," response and you can tell she doesn't want you to ask any more. But then you'll hear that the next day, she was admitted back to the hospital.]

So then she was kind of defensive: she said, "Well you know, people just don't FEEL good some days! Now you're going to question every little thing I say, if I say I don't feel good." And I said, "Yes, there are days when people have a cold or something and don't feel good, but usually, it doesn't affect their lives the way your reaction to 'not feeling good' affects your life." But I really don't like the fact that she got so defensive about this.

I also question the fact that she says the doctor is weaning her off the drugs, instead of an in-patient stay, which he told her would be really horrible. I can see her dragging this out--she's already latched on to the fact that he told her it "could take up to 6 months or more" for her to completely kick them.

Another problem: I texted her this afternoon and asked how she was. She said she still felt "pukey" and hadn't been able to eat, but wasn't hungry anyway. Didn't want to start vomiting again. Oh, and she was babysitting for MY niece's daughter (not that unusual, like I said, we're close)! I wrote back and told her I didn't think it was a good idea--for her to do that while she was in active withdrawals and didn't feel well anyway! She got kind of offended, but like I said, why would she think it would be good to watch an active 2 year old?? She said the baby was watching TV and kind of napping next to her on the couch, but I just didn't like that.

Someone, please, give me some feedback. I know, I know, I know--I'm not married to her, she's not asking me for money (she has very good health insurance and has even managed to hold on to her job throughout all of this--although she hasn't worked for the past 2 months), I don't have to live with her. But I AM very involved here and just would like to hear if I'm really offbase with my suspicions.

Thanks in advance.

hello-kitty

Pleae try to detach from her problems. Obviously, for all your good intentions, nothing you are doing is making her better. It's just going to get worse until she truly commits herself to a program of recovery.

At best, all you can do is listen, and then reassure her that you know she's a good person AND a really smart person, and that you believe she is capable of finding a solution to her problems and getting what she wants out of life.

You could also offer to attend an open NA meeting with her. I used to go to meetings with my best friend once in a while when she was in recovery from her oxycontin addiction. She really appreciated the company. She was proud she was in recovery and she wanted to share it with others.

I didn't go with her EVERY SINGLE TIME but I did go twice and she appreciated it. And the other addicts in the group were very welcoming too.

Unfortunately, this is how babies can be injured by addicts - the baby falls off the couch and the addict is too passed out to realize it or the addict rolls over on the baby and suffocates them. Very very scarey.

Sikofit

I appreciate the feedback, Kitty, but WHY is everyone so quick to tell me to distance myself from my friend? We've been close for over 35 years--why would I give up that friendship, just because she's caught in something she has lost control of?

I do like your idea of attending a meeting or 2 with her. I think I'll suggest this.

I want to HELP her, not abandon her. Like I've said--her addiction has not impacted me financially, and I'm kind of used to her "not feeling good" so I don't plan a lot of things around her...just kind of take her company when I can get it.

I agree that the babysitting thing was not a good idea, and that's a problem with her--she TRIES to do "normal" things and even now, when she's actively in withdrawal, she's trying to do things to convince others that she can handle things, like anyone could.

But--I have to say--I am kind of discouraged by a lot of you telling me to stay away from her. I understand that idea, if/when she were impacting me negatively, but I'm looking to understand and offer support to her, while trying to understand if my suspicions are correct. Aren't we EVER called upon to remain THERE for the addicts in our lives??

hello-kitty

I'm not telling you to distance yourself from your friend - although that is something you may want to consider. Please reread my post. I suggest several ways that you can support her in her recovery without taking her problems on as your own or trying to solve them for her.

Sikofit

Yes, you're both right; I mis-read the suggestions, and over the past couple of days have been thinking about it more. And I like what you each had to say.

I have been just trying to be supportive and non-judgemental, while not making it MY problem. That's something I need to try harder on.

Thanks for your help!

Sikofit

Wow. Just. Wow. Just re-read over this thread, b/c I'm back so I can try to remember how to deal with this situation. Same friend, different day.

Last Monday (9 days ago), she came to work with large sores on her face, and one on her tongue. No idea how they got there. Said her face was itchy and she scratched it, hard. But said her tongue was swelling! Went to an onsite clinic to get a steroid shot and some antibiotic creams. Her behavior got progressively worse for a couple of days after this. Her parents took her to the ER Weds. morning, because they came to her house to check on her (hadn't called in to work or shown up, and her husband was already at work--he left her sleeping) and found an opened car door, spilled food and drink, and her staring into space, with all sorts of bumps and bruises. Spent all day in ER and then was admitted. Turns out her husband said she was all jumpy the night before, wouldn't stay in bed, was on the phone in the night ordering a pizza--but he thought maybe she was just "sleepwalking" and didn't see it as cause for concern (he shared this with no one until 5pm on Weds.). In ER, they said she was possibly having a bad reaction to the steroid shot. But then it came out, from a coworker, that Sunday night, she walked into a wall TWICE on the way to the bathroom--her husband had to get up and help her to the bathroom (they've lived there for 10+ years), and he still didn't think this was a cause for alarm.

I confronted her, her mom, and husband with the fact that I thought she was either abusing drugs again, or she had serious neurological problems. I got a blank stare from the husband, her mom got angry that I would insinuate that she was not attentive to the problem, and my friend basically cried, said I was a "bulldog" and "mean," and told me to leave. After lying to me about some meds she'd gotten from a coworker the week before that she insisted were "just Motrin 800s." The mutual friend told me they were Flexeril, a muscle relaxant.

This time she was hospitalized from last Weds-Sat. Ruled out MRSA on the face, etc. No other treatment.

I know all this detail because, as I've said before, she is more like a sister than a friend. And her coworkers are asking me, "What can we do?" And again, I'm going through the doubt and anxiety. And again, she's telling mutual friends and my family that "people keep saying I'm a drug seeker and they would have found that out in the hospital if that were true!"

Also--she still hasn't returned to work. Says she's still "exhausted," "wobbly," and "unstable." Tells her coworker she feels she just needs to let the steroid shot work itself out.

The only Nar-anon meeting near me isn't until Friday at 4; I'm going to try to make that. But in the meantime...I need some encouragement and feedback. I feel like I'm going crazy. I know I need to detach. I'm just worried she is going to kill herself--and it would be like losing my sister.

I'd appreciate any wisdom anyone can share. I have been reading stickies and other posts, and I know I'm not alone here.

AnvilheadII

Same friend, different day.
FIVE YEARS of your life LATER.

hopeful4

Turn her loose. There is nothing you can do. She and everyone around her is in denial. So sorry.

BreesGram

The power of denial is amazing. It is so obvious to all of us reading the above posts, that this woman has a major problem but her whole family is in complete denial. Wow, just Wow.