ChangeIsHard

My exboyfriend who has been in AA for about a year and a half recently contacted me out of the blue. He had lied to me for almost a year during his sobriety about seeing another woman. We were technically on a break at the time. Anyway - he recently contacted me out of nowhere saying he loved me, he takes full responsibility for everything that went wrong, he had never felt this way about another woman, etc etc etc. I sent him a ver long, and sort of harsh email back basically saying I was very mistrustful of him still and poked holes in a lot of what he said, and basically hammered home what he had done to me and told him that this wasn't good enough to get me back into his life. I took almost no 'cooling off' period between having read the email and sending my own, which i regret immensely.

he told me "Thank you for your honestly. Im sorry I brought this up again, take care."

I then (probably against anyone's better judgement) started second-guessing my email, afraid it was TOO harsh, and basically told him that I wasn't necessarily saying to him that i didn't want him to reply, but that I am very confused and angry still. And that if I he were to be in my life in any way inthhe future, i would have huge amounts of trust issues, that i am skeptical that what he is saying is true but that I still think about him, and that we feel very unfinished, and yet I have not been apologized to in a way that is satisfactory to me.

That was over 2 days ago and he has not replied. I am not stressing out about his response, I am honestly pretty ok either way. but i am now completely stressing out that he might have been prompted to do something stupid from my email. I am afraid I was too hard on him. In his email tome he told me that he was having a difficult year, and that he deals with things by himself for the worse usually. I am afraid of him starting to drink again....or having done god knows what. i even phoned his cell, but i think the number might be old by now because it no longer seems to be his voice mail - well, it is just a generic automated one. it is not like him to not respond.

i understand that this could be interpreted as codie thoughts and obsessions, and that to some degree it might be, but i also think it is within the realm of reason. I am having trouble not fretting. do you think i am stressing over nothing?

MissFixit

Step away from the keyboard...

No idea if what you wrote was hard on him, but if it was heart felt then probably okay as long as you have no expectations.

You are not responsible for any stupid thing he does or doesn't do. Sounds like manipulation on his part.

It is okay for him to digest and not reply to you. Just as it is okay for you to not check up on him.

Hugs

coyote21

You are not that powerful, if you were, you surely could have made him STOP drinking when you were together.

I think I would :codiepolice , and yes.

Isn't it weird how they can contact us out of the blue and sent us right back into our codie tail spins?

I find that fascinating that I would allow my very own brain to do that to me. And believe me, I have.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

sclarke64448

Hey CIH I'm sorry you're going through the mill all over again for this guy. My ex and I broke up at the end of May (though he dragged it out till the end of June and even to this day has left me with... I need time and space!) All I know is TC999, Bookwyrm, Jadmack et al have read my postings which have obsessed over and over and over again about how we were soooooooooooooo close, then how he could cut me off without warning, when his last text to me on June 19th was 'I'll call you tomorrow x'. Because I consider it unfinished business but because it's out of my control, I decided to read up on personality traits and psyche etc and all the experts say the same - and you could say we have experts on SR as they say the same too - probably not in all cases but in many the ex comes back and makes contact to see if you respond. If you do, he (or she admittedly) knows you're still under their control. You will hear of so many cases where this happens. They contact you, you contact them, and then no response. Then give it a few weeks or months, exactly the same thing will happen again.

I honestly wouldn't worry, I'm sure your ex won't have done anything stupid. While my ex and I were together he'd threaten all sorts. I remember him once phoning me at 4am from 'the railway line' and he said as soon as he and I were finishing our conversation he was hanging up the phone (which was mine incidentally), throwing it away and ending it. It was all manipulation. When he was in his right mind, he'd always tell me he'd never hurt himself as he hadn't the guts. I hope it all works out for you XXX

TakingCharge999

Change, time to go No Contact once again.


I stole this mantra from transform and added some more stuff from here and there and my own inspiration... perhaps it helps...



Today, I choose to be far away from you.

Contact with you is toxic and destroys my soul.

I do this for me. And I let you go, for MY sake.

Because my life and health, are VERY important.




Whatever you feel, say or do today -

It has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME

And EVERYTHING to do with YOU.



Today I am truly a free woman

And I open my hands to receive

the joy and beauty that are poured

in every moment of my day.




My heart is open and radiant

as it always was and will always be.



I am in the hands of God-HP.

I am protected,

as long as I stay true to myself

persevere and aim high...

as high as my imagination.




I trust myself. I trust God/HP.

All is well. Nothing is lacking.



At this moment, I let you go.

May light and love find their way to you

May you allow them in your heart.



May I remember you tenderly

As a vital actor in the script of my life.

A master that taught me

to trust my own self

and seek my own happiness.




Until then, I walk safe. Because I know who I am.

Today, I write my own story.

Today. I stay true to myself.



I was given the gift to discern Love from lack of it.

And today, I am choosing Love.




:ghug3

NYC_Chick

You are doing exactly what he expected you to do with his response back to you. It's manipulation. So, he sends you back a short response. You start stressing out about what YOU did wrong. You start calling. I would lay money on the fact that the number is his and he is aware you have been calling. I would also lay money on the fact that when you stop, it will be a matter of time before he starts calling you again. It's the dance. I did this over and over again with xabf. Here is how it went.

Xabf would get mad at my honest response. He would then ignore my emails and phone calls for however long he felt it took to torture me. When I stopped emailing and calling, there he would be again. This happened right before my birthday in December, 2008. He didn't even call on my birthday. I told my mom I was kind of hurt about it. She told me, because she used to do this dance with my alcoholic father, that I would hear from him within a week if I did nothing. I thought it was funny, but she said he will realize I'm not calling to see if HE was ok because he ignored me on my birthday. Sure enough, 5 days after my b-day he called and explained he ignored me because HE was hurt. lol! He never said he was sorry for it. Then he proceeded to tell me how much he loved me, but could not understand why I was so difficult. LOL!

Be gentle with yourself. You were true to your own feelings and you owe him nothing at all.

sclarke64448

Wow TC! Those words really hit home! Thank you once more! Your posts, and the posts of many others, continue to help me and I'm sure many SR-ers, in our ongoing journey xxx

sclarke64448

NYC Chick your post too has got me thinking. With me, my XABF broke up with me at the end of May. In the same week he changed his mind twice. Then ignored me. I went over to his to find out what was going on and we had a big three hour showdown in which he ended it. Then during the same showdown he took back his 'ending it' and then left it with he needed time and space. I gave him that time and space. Sure enough he would ring me if I didn't ring him. On June 19th he texted me saying he would call me tomorrow. I tried to call him, but no answer. I sent him a goodbye message because I was sick of being messed about. He had the same number until about August as far as I know. His dad's wedding was on July 10th. I was supposed to go and I really wanted to. But thankfully I resisted texting him and making contact. My birthday was July 29th. Again I really hoped he'd text me. He didn't. Two days after my birthday - and two months after I'd seen or spoken to any of our friends - one of our friends requested me on FB (I accepted but mentioned nothing of my ex or my old days in that circle!) That same afternoon his best friend rang my number (My ex had had my phone for a while!) and asked if I was the woman he was now seeing. I said, 'No Nige it's Sam' at which point he asked if I was with my ex. What the??? Again I didn't respond, didn't rise to anything and didn't mention my ex at all. My friends thought this was all a set up but I didn't think my ex played these sort of games. Then that very same evening my ex sent me a text which was kind of menacing - telling me not to get involved with people 'he' knows (Forget the fact I was with him for three years and knew them too!!!) and to take everything of him down off FB. Which I did. The text ended 'I ain't jokin', which was lovely! The xabf I knew wouldn't have put the first two people up to it. But since we've broken up I've discovered little lies he told people - like he told his housemate he was an electrician for a living (Never known him to be one - although his brother is!) Also about this time last year when she asked him why he never saw his kids if they were two streets away he apparently replied, 'Because I can't be bothered!) The very same man who bleated in tears in my arms about how much he missed them. Inicidentally he has now been seeing them since March - how long for is anyone's guess. Views on whether the phone call / FB request / his text - all in one day - was perhaps a set up? And the angry text was a result of me not acknowledging his existence?
XX

Live

Dang, SClarke....that just sounds like way too much work and too little reward to me...
I wholeheartedly agree with everything NYChick said. I have seen this in operation more than once.....what I can't figure out is where/how they all learn the same tactics? LOL

NYC_Chick

Live: I swear there is a manual somewhere they all read! Lol! My abf is text book.

Sclark: I mean this in the best possible way...it does not matter why he did this or if it was a set up. It sounds like it was, but that being said, in some ways you are allowing him to win. It's taking up space that can be filled with wonderful things for you : )

they really do all play these games. They take away, then when you agree and don't freak out, they change tactics. It is never ending if you let it be. I know how hard it is. I have been there, but try and focus on what you want for your life. He is no good. Do you want to be with someone who is an erradic moving target? You are worth so muc more than that! Let him worry about him. You did nothing wrong. He knows that too, but he is too into his disease to care about anyone but himself.

sclarke64448

Aaaww thanks NYC. I know you're absolutely right. I'm pleased to say I've made a hell of a lot of progress since joining this wonderful site at the end of July. I went through a phase where I couldn't get out of bed and couldn't drag myself to the gym. Thankfully in about September time I started coming out of that. SR is a most wonderful site with the most wonderful people who seem to have genuine concern and drive in helping people with troubles. How different a world we would live in if everyone shared our morals and consideration for others!!