Still Worried

Old 10-22-2009, 07:51 AM
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Still Worried

My 19 yr old has been out of Rehab for 5 days. (DOC = heroin) He hasn't been to a meeting in 3 days. He's acting "ansy". What is a "Dry Drunk"? He's smoking cigarettes a little more. My mom bought him a pack 2 days ago, then my husband bought him another pack this morning. Should I suggest to him to take a at home drug test? Should I "tell" him that he's going to a meeting 2nite? He said he's stressed, he also said he's not happy being out of Rehab. Aren't these signs that he needs a meeting? He lives with me, my husband and 9 year old son. Should I back off and "let it happen"? I went to a Alanon meeting last nite....it helped me.
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Old 10-22-2009, 08:29 AM
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All the worry in the world isn't going to change what he's doing or going to do.

Do you have boundaries in place at your house since he's living there?
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:05 AM
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I hope you keep going to those meetings

Whatever the addict needs, they have to decide that for themselves. It's easy for us to see what they need but us telling them won't make any difference if they don't want it themselves. Your son, fresh out of rehab, knows what he needs for his recovery and how to get it. If anything, perhaps remind him if he asks for your help.

Freedom mentioned boundaries and they are so important! I used to ask my daughter if she was going to meetings or needed one, but that was still me trying to control her. Once I established personal boundaries, I would let her know when they were being violated and consequences followed. They were not punishments, they were self protective measures. There have been several times when she's been asked to leave my home, then contact me when she's ready to respect those boundaries.

My boundaries started off being about drugs, but soon became about behaviors with everyone in my life, not just her. I no longer focus on her addiction or recovery, I focus on my serenity. If she's compromising it I let her know. She has the choice, as does everyone in my life, to either back off or one of us is taking a hike. I no longer allow it to get the point where I'm suffering.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:08 AM
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We have verbally discussed the boundries, ie no drug use, no hanging out with anyone except girlfriend (not a user), go to adult education class, go with dad to work, go to meetings. I'm thinking of printing these on paper and going over them this evening with him. His probation officer is drug testing him Tuesday of next week. Should I even bring up the idea of an "at home drug test"? How strongly should I "suggest" NA meeting 2nite?
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:17 AM
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Get those boundaries on paper so they are clear. It's too easy to blur lines when it's just a verbal agreement.

As for 'suggesting' meetings, he's an adult now, no? He's been given the tools to continue recovery in the outside world. It's his choice to use them or not.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:28 AM
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I agree with the others. First and foremost, go to YOUR meetings, they will help you. Second & just as important....Boundaries.....what you will or will not accept while he is living in your home. "Say what you mean, Mean what you say and say it nice."

Your AS learned in rehab what he needs to do for his recovery, and it is HIS recovery. You can't work it for him, you can't love him clean. However, you CAN work on your own recovery.

Remember the 3 c's

You didn't cause it
You can't control it
You can't cure it

Hugs,
Chris
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:40 AM
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I just joined this forum about 4 days ago and it has already helped me sooooo much! It's like having help/advice at my fingertips!!! I'm going to take my lunch now and type those boundries...I'll be back a little later. Thanks Freedom, Chino & Serenity!
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Old 10-22-2009, 10:05 AM
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Hesmyfrankie

Love the name!

I agree with the rest of the group. There is no way in this world you can CONTROL your boy. Freshly out of rehab he has all the tools he needs. All he has to do is pick them up and use them.

Sounds like he is wrestling with himself between walking the straight and narrow and using. In which case, he definitely needs a meeting. Only one problem, only he can make that choice!

You don't say how old your son is, but my guess is he is old enough to make his own choices. Therefore, the more advice you give, the more you try to take control of his life, the more he will rebel!

My husband always told me I gave too much advice! He told me it was best for me to back off and only give advice when the son asked for it. When I protested and said, "yes, but he never asks for my advice" my husband would respond by saying "that's right, remember that!"

At the end of the day all you/we can do is pray that they make the right choices. When they are ready to give up the drug use, and only when they are ready, will they make that choice!

In the meantime, remember you are the only one that you can control! Which means, take care of number 1!

My son is soon to be 47 years old, and I tried for 35 years to get him to listen!

Hugs, Devastated
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Old 10-22-2009, 11:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Hesmyfrankie View Post
We have verbally discussed the boundries, ie no drug use, no hanging out with anyone except girlfriend (not a user), go to adult education class, go with dad to work, go to meetings. I'm thinking of printing these on paper and going over them this evening with him. His probation officer is drug testing him Tuesday of next week. Should I even bring up the idea of an "at home drug test"? How strongly should I "suggest" NA meeting 2nite?
These sort of sound more like attempts to control him than boundaries for yourself.

Perhaps a way to reframe this, is that these are the house rules. In exchange for X, you expect Y. Not quite sure how one can enforce who he hangs with or mandate attendance at meetings.

Back when, I drove myself nuts with the issue of drug testing. I eventually concluded I did not want to be the warden. Actions tend to be far more reliable than any test.

Where is his head at? Is he committed to his own sobriety?

A dry drunk is a term used in AA for someone who is not drinking and not actively working a recovery program. I am not crazy about the labels, like this.

The primary goal is to abstain from substances.

My own take of the 12 Step Program is that it is a well honed process of addressing one's own character development issues.
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:32 PM
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It didn't work for when my son came home at your son's age after his 1st rehab.
This last rehab he went into sober living house with a program for 6mos. after he left inpatient rehab.
It can't work for you or him for you to be his minder and monitor.
You will be sucked into codependency and him into his dysfunction.

Help him find a quality sober living house with a program is my opinion.
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Old 10-28-2009, 09:39 AM
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I just got a text that says that my 19 yr old just left school (adult high school) so don't come on your lunch to pick him up! I guess he told this person to text me. he has no phone. These are signs, I remember from last year! He's been out of Rehab (long term residential) for 11 days. He took a drug test (I purchased) Saturday morning and tested positive for marijuana. For a minute, my husband & I were kinda glad it was only weed! But I realize that it is only a matter of time b4 his DOC (heroin) creeps up his nose. His probation officer says that she will test him again Wednesday, 11/4/09, for coke, heroin, etc... she said this was his first strike and if he tests positive that will be strike 2. Violation of Probation seems to be at the discrecion of the Probation Officer!! It's a yuckky day, rainy & cold. I'm wondering if later, when he comes home, should I inform him that he needs to find another place to live. He knows the rules of our house and he's slowly working my nerves! I have a 9 year old to think about! He is in communication with "old friends" which is another sign of slipping back into using. It's just a matter of time....isn't it?? It is sooooooooo hard when it's your son (not spouse). I'm very sad. I am going to my weekly Alanon meeting 2nite (Naranon is too far) I know I have to "Let Go and Let God" Please pray for my strength. Elizabeth Edwards recently said "Cancer will win" and she must accept that. I agree that we must pray for strength to endure our loved one's addiction and stop praying for our loved one to recover.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:40 AM
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The fact that he tested positive for marijuana makes it clear he is not staying clean, whether it is his DOC or not.

He's been through rehab. He has the tools to stay clean. Obviously he's making a clear choice not to use those tools.

My 31 year old AD will not step foot in my house till she has substantial clean time under her belt, which I don't see happening at all.
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Old 10-28-2009, 10:40 AM
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I understand your sadness. But you do not have to be a victim of your sons addiction. You do not have cancer.

Your son does not have cancer either. He is an addict. It is not the same kind of sickness. Your son can choose recovery anytime he wants too. He has the tools. He's choosing not to use them. he's just not ready yet mom.

I just got a text that says that my 19 yr old just left school (adult high school) so don't come on your lunch to pick him up!
Do you have a boundary surrounding this? He is 19. As an adult, living at your house is a privelege not a right... you do not need to sit and wait for him to relaspe. You can stand up for your house rules.

Time to focus on the rest of the family and yourself. Glad you are going to your meeting tonight.

I agree that we must pray for strength to endure our loved one's addiction and stop praying for our loved one to recover.
I don't think anyone has ever said to stop praying for their loved ones? All we really have is prayer because it's in Gods hands, not ours. Accepting this and handing it over to God has been what helped me most. I pray for both.... my loved ones choices and my own.
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Old 10-28-2009, 11:59 AM
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Good advice here.


Boundaries.... man, are they hard!!


Looking back, I often thought - "whew, thank God it's only pot and not meth" ...derrrrr. Why do I think it would be different for my kid than for me? If I drink a beer, and then on another day drink two, and then on the weekend decide I might like just one more - you can bet your bottom dollar I'll be back to swiggin' rum and coke and sleepin with dogs in no time. I KNOW that. I've been sober for 25 years, I don't need to test the boundaries because I already did, and lost.

My kid is like yours - she is young, she has done a few rehabs and is currently doing a ... ahem... "county" long-term intensive inpatient (read: JAIL!) for the next few months.

What I know is that if she is still digging to find her bottom there is not ONE WORD I can say that will get her sober. Not one.

Because of that, when my kid is out, sober and the best person in the world, I have to say "no" to her living with us. I hate that, but we've done it enough to know that having a front row seat to relapse is almost more painful than anything else!

Nineteen is a fine age to be out on your own - I did it at 17, as did many of my peers. We found apartments, jobs and cheap apartments. Kids today want to have their own bathrooms, cell phones, cars and gas AND nice house... because that is what WE give them. One of the tough lessons I've had to remember was just how proud I was when I was able to do it on my own. Who am I to take that away from my kid?

My son is a pot addict, age 25, currently sofa surfing and not working - can't pass a pee test.

My daughter's first time living alone is in jail, she is a meth addict... and currently suffering from meth-induced psychosis, which gets a little better every week, I think.

I cannot save either one. They have addiction, and they need to deal with it. Each time I've tried to make it a little easier on them - by buying them cars (yep, several actually), paying for rent (many times), helping with the heat, the lights, the garbage, money owed to a dealer (can't believe I did that - once). Each time I helped, I stopped their fall to their bottom.... each time.

I cannot do that anymore. Financially, I am broken. Emotionally, dried up. Intellectually, finally "getting it". My kids are now adults and to BE adults means having experiences, some painful, that teach us how to live in the world.

So I go to my meetings, watch how others are doing it, got a sponsor and am working the steps (again) on me! What a change from just a few short years ago.



I believe in a power greater than me.... and greater than addiction and big enough to hold my kids and give them what they need.

I wish you well. ((hugs))
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Old 10-28-2009, 12:03 PM
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As I have learned, we need to say what we mean, mean what we say, and say it kindly. This includes boundaries. Our boundaries. In other words, when my AD was living with me, one boundary was that she could not use and live in my home. Now I didn't say, she couldn't use, only that MY boundary was that I would not live with this unacceptable behavior.

Also, no matter what, I ALWAYS pray for my AD, everyday, sometimes more than once a day. Prayer is the only avenue I have to help her.

Hugs,
Chris

Bigsis...........Ditto to everything you wrote, I did these same things so many times, til I finally figured out none of it would make AD clean, it only kept her from reaching her bottom.
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Old 10-29-2009, 08:25 AM
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Thanks Everybody!!! My 19 year old son did not come home last night. But I got up this morning, said my prayers, got my 9 year old out to school (breakfast, halloween costume, prapared bag lunch, kiss-kiss) and got myself to work by 9 am! I did go to my Alanon meeting last nite. I feel pretty good today, even though I don't know where he is. I am taking it one hour at a time! Thanks again for your kind words and advice! I'll keep in touch in a day or so!
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Old 10-31-2009, 04:53 PM
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Did your son make it home?
I too have a 19 yr old son that I "kicked out" this past monday. It is VERY hard...but after 2 rehabs, 2 overdoses , a totaled car, too many run ins with the police, and too many other things to mention...I finally had to make the decision to let him go...And you will too ...eventually....when YOU are ready.
He must have enough friends to take him in as he hasnt called....
You will know when the time is right...trust your instincts! They're always right...
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Old 10-31-2009, 10:23 PM
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just to say that you and your family are in my prayers. i'll say a special prayer that your son finds his way soon and that his his hp guide and protect him.
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