Cant go to AlAnon. Have to be anonymous
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Cant go to AlAnon. Have to be anonymous
Not sure how to begin. Being faceless helps. My husband was driving drunk and killed several people and injured several more severly. I wont go into specifics cause I need to stay faceless. The trial was a media circus. He got 10 years and a huge fine. Hes in jail now, but thats not the end. Now everyone is sueing.
Weve been dumped by everyone including his family. Ive gotten hate mail and phone calls and people have tossed dead cats on my front walk. We dont have any kids and Im an only child. I dont have any family except for my mother. I feel so alone. I considered going to AlAnon but were still in the middle of law suits and the attys keep stressing that I keep my mouth shut and not talk to anyone. Also Im leary of new people. All the ones Ive met lately either want to lecture me on the evils of drink or they pretend to feel sorry for me and want to know all the gory details.
I read posts for a while before I posted. I see from youre posts that some of you are where I was. Living with a functioning alcoholic. I closed my eyes to a lot because I hated conflict. No one can help me but maybe I can help you. Heres some things I learned the hard way.
If he drinks dont let him drive your car. If you know he drinks and you let him drive it then who ever he hurts can sue you too. If the car hes driving is in his name only then they can only sue him. If youre married every thing is common property no matter whose name is in. But when someone sues they can only go after whats in your name. They cant touch your spouse. (Unless you were driving their car) So if your husband drinks and drives I would get all the assets in my name NOW.
Weve been dumped by everyone including his family. Ive gotten hate mail and phone calls and people have tossed dead cats on my front walk. We dont have any kids and Im an only child. I dont have any family except for my mother. I feel so alone. I considered going to AlAnon but were still in the middle of law suits and the attys keep stressing that I keep my mouth shut and not talk to anyone. Also Im leary of new people. All the ones Ive met lately either want to lecture me on the evils of drink or they pretend to feel sorry for me and want to know all the gory details.
I read posts for a while before I posted. I see from youre posts that some of you are where I was. Living with a functioning alcoholic. I closed my eyes to a lot because I hated conflict. No one can help me but maybe I can help you. Heres some things I learned the hard way.
If he drinks dont let him drive your car. If you know he drinks and you let him drive it then who ever he hurts can sue you too. If the car hes driving is in his name only then they can only sue him. If youre married every thing is common property no matter whose name is in. But when someone sues they can only go after whats in your name. They cant touch your spouse. (Unless you were driving their car) So if your husband drinks and drives I would get all the assets in my name NOW.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Hello Cecelia and welcome.
I understand your pickle about going to meetings right now. Make yourself right at home with us. When you are able to go to meetings without fear of jeopardizing things legally, I bet you'll find that the people there are less judgemental or voyeuristic than the ones you've been encountering.
Hugs!
Smoke
I understand your pickle about going to meetings right now. Make yourself right at home with us. When you are able to go to meetings without fear of jeopardizing things legally, I bet you'll find that the people there are less judgemental or voyeuristic than the ones you've been encountering.
Hugs!
Smoke
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
I'm new to these boards too. First of all, I am so very sorry for your situation. It's sad that our spouses don't realize that they are taking us with them in spirit whenever they drunk drive. My husband drinks every day after work and then drives home. I'm always in fear that he will have an accident and kill himself or someone else. He doesn't see what he is doing. Even if he got stopped by the police he would lose his job of 33 years and all of his retirement benefits. I'm afraid that he will wind up like your husband and I will be left like you. Facing the consequenses and all alone. I will remember you in my prayers.
My brother is also an alcoholic and that is the main reason I came to these boards but I saw your post and realized that I need it for myself and my husband too.
My brother is also an alcoholic and that is the main reason I came to these boards but I saw your post and realized that I need it for myself and my husband too.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
I'm new to these boards too. First of all, I am so very sorry for your situation. It's sad that our spouses don't realize that they are taking us with them in spirit whenever they drunk drive. My husband drinks every day after work and then drives home. I'm always in fear that he will have an accident and kill himself or someone else. He doesn't see what he is doing. Even if he got stopped by the police he would lose his job of 33 years and all of his retirement benefits. I'm afraid that he will wind up like your husband and I will be left like you. Facing the consequenses and all alone. I will remember you in my prayers.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Wow...I guess going to meetings would be out right now. I agree...so stick around.
Just so you know, my son is in jail right now because I encouraged the person who's car he "borrowed" to call the police and he is still sitting there because of the fear I have about what you are going through right now.
Welcome to Soberrecovery!
JT
Just so you know, my son is in jail right now because I encouraged the person who's car he "borrowed" to call the police and he is still sitting there because of the fear I have about what you are going through right now.
Welcome to Soberrecovery!
JT
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Cecilia, You must feel
very overwhelmed at this point. I'm so sorry for all the heartache that you are going through. This is a safe place for you while you work out the rest of your circumstances. Feel free to hang around and live and learn with us.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Dreaming Summer
Posts: 821
(((((((((Cecilia))))))))))))
I understand that you can't go to meetings now.But if possible,you might like to get some of the Al Anon literature.We have daily readings posted on the forum as well.I hope you will feel welcome here.Having a support network can make such a difference.Hugs and prayers for you.
phoenix
I understand that you can't go to meetings now.But if possible,you might like to get some of the Al Anon literature.We have daily readings posted on the forum as well.I hope you will feel welcome here.Having a support network can make such a difference.Hugs and prayers for you.
phoenix
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Thanks for the support. I guess I just needed to unload a little of this baggage. Cant say this in public but Im not just depressed. I am so angry at him, at our so called friends, at his family, and mostly at myself. For 30 years I took the easy way because I didnt want to deal with conflict. It was easier to let him do as he pleased. And secretly I was glad when he stayed out with his buds cause I didnt have to deal with him.
Several years before this happened I found out he was seeing another woman. I considered divorce but I stayed because of the length of our marriage and to tell the truth because I didnt ewant to give him half of everything I worked for. You see I paid most of the bills while he spent his most of his on his hobby business and nights buying drinks at the local bar.
I cant divorce him now if I wanted to. After the accident he suggested we get a divorce and he would give me everything. (hes not totally bad) but the atty said that they would come after my assets because hes entitled to them even if he didnt claim them. As it is Ill probably have to sell the house and contents and give them half. But at least they cant touch my pension or my savings.
Even now he hasnt really accepted responsibility. He said he did in court but thats not how he talks now. I think hes in denial. He says he fell asleep. Well duh. I guess you would too if you drank that much at one time. All he talks about is how people pick on him and that his sentence s unfair and he wants me to file an appeal. he got a mandatory sentence. There is no appeal. He got a little bit of pension money from his job which I invested and too a monthly. He keeps saying he doesnt care how much it costs he wants to spend whatever it takes to get him out.
Im so tired of everyone picking at me Im afraid I lost it last week I let him have it. I told him we need that money to pay our bills and to live on later and that Im not wasting in on a lost cause. You screwed up so just suck it up and take your punishment.
Several years before this happened I found out he was seeing another woman. I considered divorce but I stayed because of the length of our marriage and to tell the truth because I didnt ewant to give him half of everything I worked for. You see I paid most of the bills while he spent his most of his on his hobby business and nights buying drinks at the local bar.
I cant divorce him now if I wanted to. After the accident he suggested we get a divorce and he would give me everything. (hes not totally bad) but the atty said that they would come after my assets because hes entitled to them even if he didnt claim them. As it is Ill probably have to sell the house and contents and give them half. But at least they cant touch my pension or my savings.
Even now he hasnt really accepted responsibility. He said he did in court but thats not how he talks now. I think hes in denial. He says he fell asleep. Well duh. I guess you would too if you drank that much at one time. All he talks about is how people pick on him and that his sentence s unfair and he wants me to file an appeal. he got a mandatory sentence. There is no appeal. He got a little bit of pension money from his job which I invested and too a monthly. He keeps saying he doesnt care how much it costs he wants to spend whatever it takes to get him out.
Im so tired of everyone picking at me Im afraid I lost it last week I let him have it. I told him we need that money to pay our bills and to live on later and that Im not wasting in on a lost cause. You screwed up so just suck it up and take your punishment.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
We take a risk when we remain in addictive relationships.
In reality we are not living with the "good guy" we are living with the disease and unfortunately the disease can bankrupt us emtionally and financially.
I understand your anger. I would be beyond angry...I would be in a panic!
Accepting responsibility is not just for him to do. You made a choice when you decided to stay and not protect yourself from what could happen because of his behavior.
It is an ugly reality but....the horse is out! Closing the barn door now won't do any good.
Prayers to you and his victims,
JT
In reality we are not living with the "good guy" we are living with the disease and unfortunately the disease can bankrupt us emtionally and financially.
I understand your anger. I would be beyond angry...I would be in a panic!
Accepting responsibility is not just for him to do. You made a choice when you decided to stay and not protect yourself from what could happen because of his behavior.
It is an ugly reality but....the horse is out! Closing the barn door now won't do any good.
Prayers to you and his victims,
JT
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Oh Cecilia
Hugs to you for all your pain and anger.
I am sitting here wondering how many of us have read your post and thought "How easily this could be me."
Co-dependence No More, by Melody Beattie is a wonderful book. I recommend it. You must be asking yourself a million questions that sound like "Why didn't I do something sooner so I wouldn't have gotten to this point in my life." This book answered that for me.
Welcome to the forum.
I am sitting here wondering how many of us have read your post and thought "How easily this could be me."
Co-dependence No More, by Melody Beattie is a wonderful book. I recommend it. You must be asking yourself a million questions that sound like "Why didn't I do something sooner so I wouldn't have gotten to this point in my life." This book answered that for me.
Welcome to the forum.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 13
Cecilia~
Here I am, lurking the forum, and I read you post. I am so sorry any of this happend.
I was lurking because I recently...well, 3 months ago, broke up with my alcoholic fiancee. I often find myself believing that we are just on a big "break" and that he will eventually get it together and we can try again.
Not like I did not give him like 15 chances over 3 years.
Anyway, reading your experience reminded me of what I feared was possible if I married him. He had a serious DUI in 2002 and hit someoen the night we broke up in June. Reading your experience was a (no pun intentded) sobering experience.
My parayers are with you....I hope you can get to a meeting sometime. When you get there you will understand that YOU are who we care about. Not your husband, not attorneys...YOU. Hang in there....
Here I am, lurking the forum, and I read you post. I am so sorry any of this happend.
I was lurking because I recently...well, 3 months ago, broke up with my alcoholic fiancee. I often find myself believing that we are just on a big "break" and that he will eventually get it together and we can try again.
Not like I did not give him like 15 chances over 3 years.
Anyway, reading your experience reminded me of what I feared was possible if I married him. He had a serious DUI in 2002 and hit someoen the night we broke up in June. Reading your experience was a (no pun intentded) sobering experience.
My parayers are with you....I hope you can get to a meeting sometime. When you get there you will understand that YOU are who we care about. Not your husband, not attorneys...YOU. Hang in there....
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Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Hinsdale, Illinois
Posts: 19
welcome to alanon
You sound like you could use a little strength, experience, and hope. That's what the kind members of alanon offered me. I am new to the fellowship, but I extend my heart to you, because someone was kind and generous enough to share with me when I needed it. I still need it, and I've been coming to this forum and going to meetings, and have developed a sense of trust and love that I thought had died years ago. There are lots of wise alanon members in this forum with much more experience and wisdom than I, and you will learn a lot if you are willing (I know because it has worked for me -- and I thought I was hopeless!) I've leaned on other alanon members when I didn't think I had the strength to face another minute on my own. Please keep coming back, because it really works -- I don't fully understand why or how, but it works! Remember, you are not alone.
Hugs,
candlelight
Hugs,
candlelight
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
Just got back from visiting him in the pokey. Just got done rereading all the posts. Good thing no one I know read mine. Couldnt help thinking that last ones gonna leave a mark. I guess Im just crabby. This is a bad time of year. Usually after I make it thru this crap Im back to my old obnoxiously optimistic self. LOL. The accident anniversary and our 32nd wedding annversary was the same week. Right after that was my nieces 21st BD. His family are total ***** but I hate to break all ties cause he needs his family. Example. They told me the time of her Bd party. I get there and Im informed that everyone is going to a bar so she can get her first legal drink. I said under the circumstances I just dont feel comfortable, besides I dont really drink anyway. Theyre pissed and ten mins later theyre gone. But not till she opened her presents. Thats all I need is to be picked up & have booze on my breath. Im already in the paper. Every new developement gets plastered on the front page or on the Tv news. Boy wouldnt that make a story.
Sister 909
BTDT. My husband drank everyday after work. I worked days and he worked a swing shift. When he worked nights sometimes he would drink all day. Funny thing was he didnt drink at home much unless someone came over. He did all his at the neighborhood bar where there was a regular crowd. I realize now that where a lot of $ went. Buying drinks and tipping the waitresses.
My husband didnt loose his retirement. But since he wasnt retirement age he got a lump sum that was only a fourth. If yours has 33 years he probably qualifys for early retirement. You need to look into all this stuff. The first thing I would do is put all the house and all the savings in your name only so that if someone sues him they cant take your stuff too. My husband wasnt a repeat DWI. he drove for 30+ years and he didnt even have a speeding ticket. This was his first accident and it was a doozy.
Just Tired
I know that its partly my fault that Im in this mess. Thats why Im angry at myself. If only I hadnt been so conflict shy and confronted him. I realize now that I was in denial. I just wanted everything to be smooth. AS a result I let others run my life. I was always the resonsible one who took care of everything. Im still taking care of everything and everyone. I guess thats why Im so angry at his family. I helped them take care of his gram and her two sisters. They all three had alzheimers so it was no picnic. Im not asking them to take care of me. Just to be civil and treat me decently.
Sister 909
BTDT. My husband drank everyday after work. I worked days and he worked a swing shift. When he worked nights sometimes he would drink all day. Funny thing was he didnt drink at home much unless someone came over. He did all his at the neighborhood bar where there was a regular crowd. I realize now that where a lot of $ went. Buying drinks and tipping the waitresses.
My husband didnt loose his retirement. But since he wasnt retirement age he got a lump sum that was only a fourth. If yours has 33 years he probably qualifys for early retirement. You need to look into all this stuff. The first thing I would do is put all the house and all the savings in your name only so that if someone sues him they cant take your stuff too. My husband wasnt a repeat DWI. he drove for 30+ years and he didnt even have a speeding ticket. This was his first accident and it was a doozy.
Just Tired
I know that its partly my fault that Im in this mess. Thats why Im angry at myself. If only I hadnt been so conflict shy and confronted him. I realize now that I was in denial. I just wanted everything to be smooth. AS a result I let others run my life. I was always the resonsible one who took care of everything. Im still taking care of everything and everyone. I guess thats why Im so angry at his family. I helped them take care of his gram and her two sisters. They all three had alzheimers so it was no picnic. Im not asking them to take care of me. Just to be civil and treat me decently.
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 14
My notifier came on about when we are getting ready to leave to his daughter's house to watch the fight. Beleive me, I know all too well what to look forward to. His SIL has a tapper in the garage so they will all get *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!-faced tonite.
I feel like I'm where you were before your husbands accident. My husband doesn't go to bars but they have a place that all the guys get together and drink their beer before coming home. I'm so tired of fighting with him when he comes home drunk and falls asleep right after dinner.
He's nagging for us to leave. I'll check in later or tomorrow. I remembered you in my prayers last night and will pray for you and all our newfound friends at mass tomorrow.
I feel like I'm where you were before your husbands accident. My husband doesn't go to bars but they have a place that all the guys get together and drink their beer before coming home. I'm so tired of fighting with him when he comes home drunk and falls asleep right after dinner.
He's nagging for us to leave. I'll check in later or tomorrow. I remembered you in my prayers last night and will pray for you and all our newfound friends at mass tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Cecilia, my heart goes out to you. You are in my prayers. Many thanks for sharing your story with us. I live with an active alcoholic, hubby. He often drinks and drives. I have been planning to see an attorney to find out how I can protect myself in case this happens to me. You post is the push I need to get started. Hubby was out tonight and drove home on the motorcycle totally wasted. I get so afraid when he is out. I too don't like conflict. Lord give me the strength to protect myself and my family from this disease.
This forum has been a lifesaver for me. Keep coming back here and sharing. We care and we have all been there.
This forum has been a lifesaver for me. Keep coming back here and sharing. We care and we have all been there.
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Cecilia,
Welcome....There already have been some very wise words of wisdom given you so all I'll say is KEEP COMING BACK and let us be your support group until you can have a face to face one of your own....
God Bless. Love and prayers from one who cares.
Welcome....There already have been some very wise words of wisdom given you so all I'll say is KEEP COMING BACK and let us be your support group until you can have a face to face one of your own....
God Bless. Love and prayers from one who cares.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Cecelia,
Like Rose so wisely put it, your story could be just the thing to get a few to take action to protect themselves.
Again, like I said, I am the reason my son is in jail and I will do NOTHING to help him drive ever again. I could not live with myself!
Hugs,
JT
Like Rose so wisely put it, your story could be just the thing to get a few to take action to protect themselves.
Again, like I said, I am the reason my son is in jail and I will do NOTHING to help him drive ever again. I could not live with myself!
Hugs,
JT
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: CT
Posts: 6
Cecelia,
My heart is crying tears for you! It is awful that you have to pay for the actions of your husband! I agree with the others, it is time to concentrate on you! As far as "his" family....if "they" are mad at you...OH WELL! They should have had some consideration for your circumstances! With this behavior, to me, it is seeming that they should be THANKING YOU, for taking care of "THEIR" son for all these years!
You don't have to be the go between for your husband and his family. If they care, they will contact him themselves. If they don't care enough, then your husband needs to learn this and learn to deal with it...
YOU have been though enough and it is wrong! How could his family be sooo inconsiderate?
Don't blame yourself either! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! All you did was LOVE your husband and HIS family! I too, could have easily been you. It didn't happen that way, I had other things that happened, but one thing I learned through all of this is don't give up. Things will eventually turn to the better for you! Keep your chin up high!!! Concentrate only on YOU!!!
I will keep you in my prayers!
My heart is crying tears for you! It is awful that you have to pay for the actions of your husband! I agree with the others, it is time to concentrate on you! As far as "his" family....if "they" are mad at you...OH WELL! They should have had some consideration for your circumstances! With this behavior, to me, it is seeming that they should be THANKING YOU, for taking care of "THEIR" son for all these years!
You don't have to be the go between for your husband and his family. If they care, they will contact him themselves. If they don't care enough, then your husband needs to learn this and learn to deal with it...
YOU have been though enough and it is wrong! How could his family be sooo inconsiderate?
Don't blame yourself either! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT! All you did was LOVE your husband and HIS family! I too, could have easily been you. It didn't happen that way, I had other things that happened, but one thing I learned through all of this is don't give up. Things will eventually turn to the better for you! Keep your chin up high!!! Concentrate only on YOU!!!
I will keep you in my prayers!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
After I read some of your posts I felt compelled to share. I saw a lot of me in the things you were doing. I kept telling myself it really wasnt that bad. Sure he drank and had I no life but he worked every day and he didnt get falling down drunk much and he never hit me, although sometimes he was verbally abusive. Besides he worked different shifts and if I just waited he would be gone or asleep.
I dont just blame him for our troubles. He chose to be that way but I let him. Its really hard to be the one to rock the boat. No matter how bad things are its more comfortable to leave them be than to risk the unknown. I read some of the stuff on codependency. Yep thats me. Im a strong person too. Always the calm one in a crisis, the one who fixes everything. I hate to ask for help and it kills me for people to see me cry. Truth be told, I dont really know if Im capable of going to an Alanon meeting and spilling my guts in public. The only reason I can type here is cause you cant see me. LOL.
I want to emphasize that its not just you that his drinking affects. Dont keep your head in the sand like I did. I wish now that one of those times he called me and said he ws on his way home and I would have called the cops and turned him in. Maybe I could have saved a few parents their heartache.
Hes sorry now and tells me what a wonderful person I am and how much he loves me and how much hes changed. Believe me hes not drinking but he hasnt changed. Hes just under other peoples control. I havent told him this but Ill probably divorce him when he gets out. I cant bring myself to do it now cause I feel sorry for him. He has no one and he clings to me like a drowning man.
I know Im being codependant but with everything else thats going on and taking care of my Mom and my Gram I just dont have it in me to change right now.
I dont just blame him for our troubles. He chose to be that way but I let him. Its really hard to be the one to rock the boat. No matter how bad things are its more comfortable to leave them be than to risk the unknown. I read some of the stuff on codependency. Yep thats me. Im a strong person too. Always the calm one in a crisis, the one who fixes everything. I hate to ask for help and it kills me for people to see me cry. Truth be told, I dont really know if Im capable of going to an Alanon meeting and spilling my guts in public. The only reason I can type here is cause you cant see me. LOL.
I want to emphasize that its not just you that his drinking affects. Dont keep your head in the sand like I did. I wish now that one of those times he called me and said he ws on his way home and I would have called the cops and turned him in. Maybe I could have saved a few parents their heartache.
Hes sorry now and tells me what a wonderful person I am and how much he loves me and how much hes changed. Believe me hes not drinking but he hasnt changed. Hes just under other peoples control. I havent told him this but Ill probably divorce him when he gets out. I cant bring myself to do it now cause I feel sorry for him. He has no one and he clings to me like a drowning man.
I know Im being codependant but with everything else thats going on and taking care of my Mom and my Gram I just dont have it in me to change right now.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Cecelia,
Thank you so much for sharing your story.....I guess I never stopped to think about the fall out (other than a DUI) that would occur. I definately need to look into getting some things changed!
My heart goes out to you....please keep posting and know that you will be in my prayers!
Blessings
Constant
Thank you so much for sharing your story.....I guess I never stopped to think about the fall out (other than a DUI) that would occur. I definately need to look into getting some things changed!
My heart goes out to you....please keep posting and know that you will be in my prayers!
Blessings
Constant
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