Anger over my up-bringing .... yet again
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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Anger over my up-bringing .... yet again
Eeeeh - it's been a tough couple of weeks.
I have had to request a social worker for my son who has been recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (High Functioning Autism) in order to assess his needs going forward into adulthood. Given the media coverage that social work gets in the UK (don't know what it is like across the pond), I found it a very difficult step to take, to put us voluntarily into this environment. Well the social worker has been very proficient and thorough in her job - my son is in good hands. As he is now classed as a vulnerable adult, she has thoroughly (and rightly) scrutinised my own family environment and interactions.
The good news is that we have passed with flying colours
but yet again I find myself raking over my past and furiously angry and raging with alcoholic father and codependent mother.
We have done nothing wrong, my son has a genetic condition and I CHOSE to put myself and my family through this unpleasant experience for the benefit of my son. As children, my brother and I needed and would have benefitted greatly from a social worker yet my parents did EXACTLY NOTHING.
The thing that cut me to the core was when the social worker quizzed me about how my daughter was affected - specifically she was asking whether I was "leaning" on my daughter for support. I emphatically assured her that we were keeping my daughter's life as normal as possible and we were not treating her like an adult and were not making her responsible for her brother and this situation. Oh the anger, the intense fury - where was the social worker quizzing my mother, telling her that her teenage daughter (me) was still a child and to let her be a child and have her childhood.
I just feel battered and bruised - will the damage my parents did to me never go away. I feel so hurt that no-one ever gave me the help and support that I needed as a child. I feel vulnerable because I have been examined in such high detail ( I keep telling myself we are not my parents, we have NOT been found wanting as parents). I feel doubly punished - I feel let down because I wasn't worth being looked after and I feel exhausted because it is an emotionally draining experience to have your own life put under the microscope.
I am trying to pull the positives from this but all I can feel is the anger. I know I am strong, I survived my childhood, I have the strength of character to do the "right" thing for my own children. Why can't I feel good about myself? I am working very hard not to feel bitter - bitter that my parents did not have the strength of character to do the right thing by me.
Uggghhhh, uggghhh and ugggghhhh
I have had to request a social worker for my son who has been recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome (High Functioning Autism) in order to assess his needs going forward into adulthood. Given the media coverage that social work gets in the UK (don't know what it is like across the pond), I found it a very difficult step to take, to put us voluntarily into this environment. Well the social worker has been very proficient and thorough in her job - my son is in good hands. As he is now classed as a vulnerable adult, she has thoroughly (and rightly) scrutinised my own family environment and interactions.
The good news is that we have passed with flying colours
but yet again I find myself raking over my past and furiously angry and raging with alcoholic father and codependent mother.We have done nothing wrong, my son has a genetic condition and I CHOSE to put myself and my family through this unpleasant experience for the benefit of my son. As children, my brother and I needed and would have benefitted greatly from a social worker yet my parents did EXACTLY NOTHING.
The thing that cut me to the core was when the social worker quizzed me about how my daughter was affected - specifically she was asking whether I was "leaning" on my daughter for support. I emphatically assured her that we were keeping my daughter's life as normal as possible and we were not treating her like an adult and were not making her responsible for her brother and this situation. Oh the anger, the intense fury - where was the social worker quizzing my mother, telling her that her teenage daughter (me) was still a child and to let her be a child and have her childhood.
I just feel battered and bruised - will the damage my parents did to me never go away. I feel so hurt that no-one ever gave me the help and support that I needed as a child. I feel vulnerable because I have been examined in such high detail ( I keep telling myself we are not my parents, we have NOT been found wanting as parents). I feel doubly punished - I feel let down because I wasn't worth being looked after and I feel exhausted because it is an emotionally draining experience to have your own life put under the microscope.
I am trying to pull the positives from this but all I can feel is the anger. I know I am strong, I survived my childhood, I have the strength of character to do the "right" thing for my own children. Why can't I feel good about myself? I am working very hard not to feel bitter - bitter that my parents did not have the strength of character to do the right thing by me.
Uggghhhh, uggghhh and ugggghhhh
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Birmingham, England
Posts: 58
I don't feel experienced enough to offer advice, as I am very early in my stages of acknowledgment and acceptance.
But I wanted to tell you I know how you feel and I have found in recent weeks that I have become very angry (amongst many other feelings) and I don't know how to deal with it. One thing is for sure though, the feeling absolutely passes. It reminds one thing that Denise said from Good morning - bad times and emtiona don't last forever, they will pass.
You sound like you are an amazing mother, who is very grounded in the needs of your own children.
All my very best and I hope those feelings subside soon x
But I wanted to tell you I know how you feel and I have found in recent weeks that I have become very angry (amongst many other feelings) and I don't know how to deal with it. One thing is for sure though, the feeling absolutely passes. It reminds one thing that Denise said from Good morning - bad times and emtiona don't last forever, they will pass.
You sound like you are an amazing mother, who is very grounded in the needs of your own children.
All my very best and I hope those feelings subside soon x
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
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Psychologists often talk about doing inner child work.....becoming acquainted with the child that we are and were, and becoming protective and nurturing of him/her.
When I did that work, it made me want to go back and hit people in my life with heavy blunt objects.
How dare they do that to that girl? She was a NICE girl, a SMART girl, and only wanted to please. And even if she didn't, NO one deserves such treatment. I shouted and paced and raged and wanted to hurt them. It was bad. (definitely not what my therapist had in mind...)
But this too was part of my healing. When my fury was spent, there was more grief, grief that I could not control the kind of people who gave birth to me, grief that not all people can be good parents or even good human beings. Then there was the jealousy of others who had good, supportive families......
Healing is not linear. We go in fits and starts, forward and back, like a sewing machine sometimes does.
Let yourself feel this, iwth. It's okay. Let it carry you to a deeper understanding, wherever it might take you. I've just shared my story so you could see the circuitous route that brought me to here...through that patchy forest of anger.
By the way, for me, forgiveness came way down the line, well after all of these other emotions were honored. And I do not love them; that would be a lie for me. It's not mandatory.
When I did that work, it made me want to go back and hit people in my life with heavy blunt objects.
How dare they do that to that girl? She was a NICE girl, a SMART girl, and only wanted to please. And even if she didn't, NO one deserves such treatment. I shouted and paced and raged and wanted to hurt them. It was bad. (definitely not what my therapist had in mind...)
But this too was part of my healing. When my fury was spent, there was more grief, grief that I could not control the kind of people who gave birth to me, grief that not all people can be good parents or even good human beings. Then there was the jealousy of others who had good, supportive families......
Healing is not linear. We go in fits and starts, forward and back, like a sewing machine sometimes does.
Let yourself feel this, iwth. It's okay. Let it carry you to a deeper understanding, wherever it might take you. I've just shared my story so you could see the circuitous route that brought me to here...through that patchy forest of anger.
By the way, for me, forgiveness came way down the line, well after all of these other emotions were honored. And I do not love them; that would be a lie for me. It's not mandatory.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Thank you for sharing GiveLove.
One of the many things that I have learnt over the past couple of months here on SR is to let that anger surface - not to run away from it, ignore it or bury it. I no longer feel guilty or a bad person for feeling angry or furious at my parents - I have learnt not to be scared of my anger and learnt that like all intense emotions, given time, it passes.
Today, I am much more in a place where I want to be - the rawness of the grief and anger have muted and settled again.
Had an ironical laugh today though - I found out that because we are coping so well as a family and because my son is so well supported, he has no "needs" to be met by social services. If we were a dysfunctional family that weren't meeting his needs or if I had hit the bottle because I couldn't cope then we would have been eligible for respite care support. There's a positive compliment in there somewhere.
IWTHxxx
One of the many things that I have learnt over the past couple of months here on SR is to let that anger surface - not to run away from it, ignore it or bury it. I no longer feel guilty or a bad person for feeling angry or furious at my parents - I have learnt not to be scared of my anger and learnt that like all intense emotions, given time, it passes.
Today, I am much more in a place where I want to be - the rawness of the grief and anger have muted and settled again.
Had an ironical laugh today though - I found out that because we are coping so well as a family and because my son is so well supported, he has no "needs" to be met by social services. If we were a dysfunctional family that weren't meeting his needs or if I had hit the bottle because I couldn't cope then we would have been eligible for respite care support. There's a positive compliment in there somewhere.
IWTHxxx
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 60
I'm glad that you are feeling a little better today, IWTH. And I wanted to say that you really should be proud that you have obviously provided such a supportive and healthy environment for you children even though, sadly, it was something you never got to experience yourself.
I think GiveLoves' post is spot on. For the first few months of my therapy I was so angry with my mother on behalf of that poor kid who hadn't done anything wrong but bore the brunt of all the blame and guilt that was flying around. And I think I was even angrier at my non-alcoholic father for leaving me there. Before the therapy, I hadn't even realised how angry I was-I had turned it all agaisnt myself and hurt mself in so many ways.
Although I do occasionally experience anger now, I'm at the stage now where I usually just feel the grief and jealousy that GL was talking about. My therapist is trying to make me accept that I can't be a child again-I'm resisiting that idea at the moment lol. But I'm sure it will come eventually. I'm not angry at them now, I've accepted that my Mum was unwell and I'm just confused about why my Dad didn't remove me from that situation. But I believe that I had to go through that anger in order to move on to that stage.
I'm glad that you know that anger doesn't make you a bad person or is any reason to feel guilty-it's part of the healing and I wish you lots of luck with your journey.
xx
I think GiveLoves' post is spot on. For the first few months of my therapy I was so angry with my mother on behalf of that poor kid who hadn't done anything wrong but bore the brunt of all the blame and guilt that was flying around. And I think I was even angrier at my non-alcoholic father for leaving me there. Before the therapy, I hadn't even realised how angry I was-I had turned it all agaisnt myself and hurt mself in so many ways.
Although I do occasionally experience anger now, I'm at the stage now where I usually just feel the grief and jealousy that GL was talking about. My therapist is trying to make me accept that I can't be a child again-I'm resisiting that idea at the moment lol. But I'm sure it will come eventually. I'm not angry at them now, I've accepted that my Mum was unwell and I'm just confused about why my Dad didn't remove me from that situation. But I believe that I had to go through that anger in order to move on to that stage.
I'm glad that you know that anger doesn't make you a bad person or is any reason to feel guilty-it's part of the healing and I wish you lots of luck with your journey.
xx
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: NJ
Posts: 197
Originally Posted by Lenore 
My therapist is trying to make me accept that I can't be a child again-I'm resisiting that idea at the moment lol. But I'm sure it will come eventually.
Thanks for your post, I love the quote in your signature by the way.
Like so many people on this board, I can see myself in your post.
I am a good, responsible parent and a fantastic caretaker - I learnt at a very early age that that was my role. I was parent to both my AF and codie Mum. My anger and resentment at the way I was raised has meant that I am a good parent to my own children - my guideline was, take how I was brought up, do the exact opposite and you won't be too far off the mark - it seems to have worked well, lol.
But....
Inside....
I am such a needy, needy child. I crave for someone to love, look after and nurture that child who did not deserve her upbringing, who may as well have been abandonned. I am learning to look after myself but it is hard going. I have started with my health, I make sure I go for walks, eat well and sleep well. Where I have got a real block is looking after my appearance or buying something just for me - I can always, always find something more important to spend my money on.
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