please help- desperate
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 1
please help- desperate
hi everyone
im new here and have come here as a last resort as i just dont know what way to turn next....
my partner of 3 months is an addict, i only found out the extent of this in the past 3 weeks. prior to that I knew he drank quite heavily and used some recreational drugs, but now I have found out he is using crack and heroin almost everyday. He cant go without it, sometimes Ive found him crawling the walls because he needs another fix so bad.
its making him paranoid and delusional and he starts arguments with me and accuses me of things. When he gets really low he begs me to help him get help, but the majority of the time he denies that he has a problem and claims that he can take it or leave it, which isnt true.
He agreed to go to a support centre with me but when he got there he wanted to leave and filled out false details on a form they gave him, so he wont take any help.
Im pregnant and scared as I cant see him having got help by the time the baby is born, he wants me to keep it but im frightened about bringing a child into a situation like this.
Im also terrified he will die, he is drinking heavily and using hard drugs every day as well as taking strong painkillers for an injury. he is underweight at the moment and im scared his body will just give up.
I love him to bits and if he gets help I will be there every step of the way, but I also know that I cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves. Everytime he upsets me or lets me down he apologises and begs me not to walk away from him, and because I love him I never do. But am I making things worse by allowing him to do this?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Ive never been close to an addict before and I dont know what to do for the best
im new here and have come here as a last resort as i just dont know what way to turn next....
my partner of 3 months is an addict, i only found out the extent of this in the past 3 weeks. prior to that I knew he drank quite heavily and used some recreational drugs, but now I have found out he is using crack and heroin almost everyday. He cant go without it, sometimes Ive found him crawling the walls because he needs another fix so bad.
its making him paranoid and delusional and he starts arguments with me and accuses me of things. When he gets really low he begs me to help him get help, but the majority of the time he denies that he has a problem and claims that he can take it or leave it, which isnt true.
He agreed to go to a support centre with me but when he got there he wanted to leave and filled out false details on a form they gave him, so he wont take any help.
Im pregnant and scared as I cant see him having got help by the time the baby is born, he wants me to keep it but im frightened about bringing a child into a situation like this.
Im also terrified he will die, he is drinking heavily and using hard drugs every day as well as taking strong painkillers for an injury. he is underweight at the moment and im scared his body will just give up.
I love him to bits and if he gets help I will be there every step of the way, but I also know that I cant help someone who doesnt want to help themselves. Everytime he upsets me or lets me down he apologises and begs me not to walk away from him, and because I love him I never do. But am I making things worse by allowing him to do this?
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, Ive never been close to an addict before and I dont know what to do for the best
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome, Kellymarie, you've come to a place where we understand the pain of watching someone we love destroy themselves with drugs.
Sadly, he won't get help until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping, and nothing you do or don't do will hurry the process. If loving an addict could make them stop, then not one of us would be here.
You may have a long and rocky road ahead of you, living with someone in active addiction fills our lives with chaos and although there is nothing we can do for them, we can save ourselves and make our lives worth living, regardless of how our addicts are doing.
Staying or leaving is your decision, one that only you can make when you are ready. In the meantime it's a good idea to hide your money and valuables someplace secure because, sadly, theft is a common factor with most of us. Protect your bank account and anything that may be in your name, caution is better than being left devastated by thinking you are secure and finding all you money is gone.
I don't mean to scare you but hoping that maybe telling you that up front may save you from some of the grief many of us have gone through.
What helped me most dealing with a son who is an addict was to find a meeting and begin to work a 12 step program that literally saved my life. Al-Anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are for us and about us and learning to find our balance again and live healthy lifes. If there are any in your area, it may be worth a try to see if it helps you too.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here who truly understand and will share what helped them.
Again, welcome to SoberRecovery, may you find hope here for a better life for yourself and your child.
Hugs
Sadly, he won't get help until the pain of using becomes greater than the fear of stopping, and nothing you do or don't do will hurry the process. If loving an addict could make them stop, then not one of us would be here.
You may have a long and rocky road ahead of you, living with someone in active addiction fills our lives with chaos and although there is nothing we can do for them, we can save ourselves and make our lives worth living, regardless of how our addicts are doing.
Staying or leaving is your decision, one that only you can make when you are ready. In the meantime it's a good idea to hide your money and valuables someplace secure because, sadly, theft is a common factor with most of us. Protect your bank account and anything that may be in your name, caution is better than being left devastated by thinking you are secure and finding all you money is gone.
I don't mean to scare you but hoping that maybe telling you that up front may save you from some of the grief many of us have gone through.
What helped me most dealing with a son who is an addict was to find a meeting and begin to work a 12 step program that literally saved my life. Al-Anon, Nar-anon and CoDA are three similar fellowships that are for us and about us and learning to find our balance again and live healthy lifes. If there are any in your area, it may be worth a try to see if it helps you too.
Take a read around, make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here who truly understand and will share what helped them.
Again, welcome to SoberRecovery, may you find hope here for a better life for yourself and your child.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi Kelly,
Glad you found this website. Sorry about the situation you are in. 3 months eh? That's supposed to be the best part of a relationship.
I am a recovering crack addict and the father of my child IS a crack addict. I'm not sure if he's using anymore. I had to get away to protect my baby and myself.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to 'help' your boyfriend get better. In fact, any help you try to give him will only make him worse. It's called enabling.
i encourage you to read around and learn all you can. Post often. Learn all about crack addiction (it REALLY is that bad). Consider checking out a naranon meeting in your neighborhood.
Most of all, your biggest priority right now should be your unborn child. Do whatever you can to keep him/her safe from his fathers addiction. Unfortunately, the nature of crack addiction is that it only gets worse until a person quits using. And thats forever. And that is not easy. A crack addict only cares about getting high - they don't care about babies, they don't care about girlfriends, they don't care about telling the truth, they don't care about eating or working or any of the stuff normal people care about. They only care about getting more crack.
Don't worry about him. He's doing what he wants to do. he'll find recovery when he is ready and not a moment before. Just take care of yourself and your baby. You'll be fine.
Glad you found this website. Sorry about the situation you are in. 3 months eh? That's supposed to be the best part of a relationship.
I am a recovering crack addict and the father of my child IS a crack addict. I'm not sure if he's using anymore. I had to get away to protect my baby and myself.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to 'help' your boyfriend get better. In fact, any help you try to give him will only make him worse. It's called enabling.
i encourage you to read around and learn all you can. Post often. Learn all about crack addiction (it REALLY is that bad). Consider checking out a naranon meeting in your neighborhood.
Most of all, your biggest priority right now should be your unborn child. Do whatever you can to keep him/her safe from his fathers addiction. Unfortunately, the nature of crack addiction is that it only gets worse until a person quits using. And thats forever. And that is not easy. A crack addict only cares about getting high - they don't care about babies, they don't care about girlfriends, they don't care about telling the truth, they don't care about eating or working or any of the stuff normal people care about. They only care about getting more crack.
Don't worry about him. He's doing what he wants to do. he'll find recovery when he is ready and not a moment before. Just take care of yourself and your baby. You'll be fine.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
On 9/11, I worked in a building that collapsed upon itself, that day. Coming to terms with that day was a relative drop in the bucket, compared to the terror I felt when I learned my daughter was addicted to heroin.
I knew I had absolutely no control over what happened on 9/11. When you find yourself in hell, you just keep on walking.
I thought I had control over my daughter and her choices. I thought if I threw enough love, time, energy, money, opportunities and determination at her addiction, I could cure her. Then I stumbled onto this forum.
I remember being confused and initially put off by all the 12 Step talk, here. Didn't they know....I did not have a problem. I don't drink or use drugs. It's my daughter and all I wanted was someone to tell me what I had to do to fix her.
It took time for me to hit the wall and my own personal rock bottom, in terms of comprehending that I was powerless over my daughter and her addiction. And that's when the lightbulb went on...........accepting I was powerless. I was and remain humbled by this.
Unlike many here, I am not a card carrying member of a support group nor do I "work" the steps. I just just try to live my life taking responsibility for me and my own outcomes. I am aware that the support groups previously mentioned, have been life/sanity savers for some. And you might be one of them.
Kelly Marie, you have a choice. You can stay put in that burning building of a relationship and accept it as it is, instead of what you want it to be. Or , you can put one foot in front of the other. Only you can decide how to live your life.
As an aside, parenthood is not a cure for addiction. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that once he's a parent he's going to snap out of it.
That's not the way of addiction.
I knew I had absolutely no control over what happened on 9/11. When you find yourself in hell, you just keep on walking.
I thought I had control over my daughter and her choices. I thought if I threw enough love, time, energy, money, opportunities and determination at her addiction, I could cure her. Then I stumbled onto this forum.
I remember being confused and initially put off by all the 12 Step talk, here. Didn't they know....I did not have a problem. I don't drink or use drugs. It's my daughter and all I wanted was someone to tell me what I had to do to fix her.
It took time for me to hit the wall and my own personal rock bottom, in terms of comprehending that I was powerless over my daughter and her addiction. And that's when the lightbulb went on...........accepting I was powerless. I was and remain humbled by this.
Unlike many here, I am not a card carrying member of a support group nor do I "work" the steps. I just just try to live my life taking responsibility for me and my own outcomes. I am aware that the support groups previously mentioned, have been life/sanity savers for some. And you might be one of them.
Kelly Marie, you have a choice. You can stay put in that burning building of a relationship and accept it as it is, instead of what you want it to be. Or , you can put one foot in front of the other. Only you can decide how to live your life.
As an aside, parenthood is not a cure for addiction. Please do not delude yourself into thinking that once he's a parent he's going to snap out of it.
That's not the way of addiction.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hi kelly, sorry about your situation. i agree with the others, take care of you and your unborn child, there is nothing you can do to help him or make him help himself. he have to want to do that for himself and on his own.
i spent 21 of 23yrs, married in an off and on relationship, waiting for my ah to change. until he's ready, it will only get so much worse for him but its up to you whether you allow his addiction to take you down with him.
i also agree that just becoming a parent will not make him want to quit his drug use, he has to want it for his own life. seems my ah celebrated every occassion bingeing for days and that included the birth of our kids. all these yrs later, the kids are mostly grown, i have lasting health issues mostly stemming from all the stresses of addiction and as far as i know, he's still actively using.
try to focus more on you and your child and i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
i spent 21 of 23yrs, married in an off and on relationship, waiting for my ah to change. until he's ready, it will only get so much worse for him but its up to you whether you allow his addiction to take you down with him.
i also agree that just becoming a parent will not make him want to quit his drug use, he has to want it for his own life. seems my ah celebrated every occassion bingeing for days and that included the birth of our kids. all these yrs later, the kids are mostly grown, i have lasting health issues mostly stemming from all the stresses of addiction and as far as i know, he's still actively using.
try to focus more on you and your child and i will keep you and yours in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Wilmington, NC
Posts: 932
Kelly,
I'm so sorry. Welcome to SR. I also found out early in my relationship with my husband that he had addict issues but I thought I could love it all right out of him. I got pregnant very quickly, as a matter of fact, I was pregnant when we got married and I just KNEW that baby was going to straighten him right up because after all, I was told repeatedly that all AH wanted out of life was a family, especially a child (he was 44 at the time).
He would tell me when the baby came, he would stop, just like his dad did when his sister was born. He didn't.
The baby just turned 3. I kicked him out (for the umpteenth time) a week before our daughter's third birthday. He was too high to make it to her party and apparently too high to call, send a card, drop off a present or see her. That was a reality check for me Kelly.
It's been a little over 3 months since he's been gone. He's homeless and living in a shelter. His drug of choice most recently is crack and alcohol. For years and years, before I met him and for a brief time during our marriage, his drug of choice was heroin but he's on methadone now.
Whether it's heroin or crack, don't let your child grow up in the chaos that comes with living with and loving in addict. There is not quick fix and there is no guarantee, even if HE decides to get treatment, that he won't repeatedly relapse sweetie. Crack is all consuming. When you read the people or listen to the evening news about robberies, muggings, beatings, killings, crime in general, most of those perpetrators ARE PEOPLE USING CRACK. I'm not downplaying other drugs but usually the violent offenders are not herion junkies, alcoholics or pot smokers. Crack makes people crazy, it changes them to people we can't recognize.
Protect yourself and your baby either my physically disassociating yourself with your ABF or like someone said, protecting everything you have from him because it WILL get gone and you will be lied to. You do know too that if there are drugs in your home, the home that you and your baby live in, you will be just as guilty as your boyfriend if there is any kind of investigation or criminal charges ever brought. Custody of your baby could be jeapordized. I'm not trying to scare you but you have another life to think about today. You have choice, your baby won't. You have the best excuse in the world to hit the highway. Either way, we will support you and love you.
I'm so sorry. Welcome to SR. I also found out early in my relationship with my husband that he had addict issues but I thought I could love it all right out of him. I got pregnant very quickly, as a matter of fact, I was pregnant when we got married and I just KNEW that baby was going to straighten him right up because after all, I was told repeatedly that all AH wanted out of life was a family, especially a child (he was 44 at the time).
He would tell me when the baby came, he would stop, just like his dad did when his sister was born. He didn't.
The baby just turned 3. I kicked him out (for the umpteenth time) a week before our daughter's third birthday. He was too high to make it to her party and apparently too high to call, send a card, drop off a present or see her. That was a reality check for me Kelly.
It's been a little over 3 months since he's been gone. He's homeless and living in a shelter. His drug of choice most recently is crack and alcohol. For years and years, before I met him and for a brief time during our marriage, his drug of choice was heroin but he's on methadone now.
Whether it's heroin or crack, don't let your child grow up in the chaos that comes with living with and loving in addict. There is not quick fix and there is no guarantee, even if HE decides to get treatment, that he won't repeatedly relapse sweetie. Crack is all consuming. When you read the people or listen to the evening news about robberies, muggings, beatings, killings, crime in general, most of those perpetrators ARE PEOPLE USING CRACK. I'm not downplaying other drugs but usually the violent offenders are not herion junkies, alcoholics or pot smokers. Crack makes people crazy, it changes them to people we can't recognize.
Protect yourself and your baby either my physically disassociating yourself with your ABF or like someone said, protecting everything you have from him because it WILL get gone and you will be lied to. You do know too that if there are drugs in your home, the home that you and your baby live in, you will be just as guilty as your boyfriend if there is any kind of investigation or criminal charges ever brought. Custody of your baby could be jeapordized. I'm not trying to scare you but you have another life to think about today. You have choice, your baby won't. You have the best excuse in the world to hit the highway. Either way, we will support you and love you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 49
Originally Posted by MrsMagoo 
Protect yourself and your baby either my physically disassociating yourself with your ABF or like someone said, protecting everything you have from him because it WILL get gone and you will be lied to. You do know too that if there are drugs in your home, the home that you and your baby live in, you will be just as guilty as your boyfriend if there is any kind of investigation or criminal charges ever brought. Custody of your baby could be jeapordized. I'm not trying to scare you but you have another life to think about today. You have choice, your baby won't. You have the best excuse in the world to hit the highway. Either way, we will support you and love you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((KellyMarie))
I'm another recovering crack addict who left my boyfriend behind because he is still using. He has 3 kids...the youngest two, thank God, are with their mom and are doing excellent in school...far, far away from their dad. The oldest? Well, he came to see "dad" and ended up selling crack for a living. He initiated his two stepsons into drinking and getting drunk when they were 12 and 13, and they also went into the dealing business. One is dead and one is in prison for murder (not of his brother).
This is what addiction, and specifically crack, does to a person over time. I am not saying there is no hope, as Kitty and I are living proof that people do recover.
However, I would highly suggest you follow the suggestions above - take care of you, get your money to where he has no access, and be aware that anything can be sold for crack...my vacuum cleaner was sold by my XABF (ex addict boyfriend) along with everything else in my house while I was in jail...including my dead mom's wedding ring - what Kitty said is so true....whe we smoke crack, it is ALL we can think about...getting more.
I know you are getting a lot of info and it is probably overwhelming, but please take time to read around some of the other posts of those who have stuck it out with their addicts. Whatever you do, however, you have our support as most of us have been down the same path, maybe just a little variation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I'm another recovering crack addict who left my boyfriend behind because he is still using. He has 3 kids...the youngest two, thank God, are with their mom and are doing excellent in school...far, far away from their dad. The oldest? Well, he came to see "dad" and ended up selling crack for a living. He initiated his two stepsons into drinking and getting drunk when they were 12 and 13, and they also went into the dealing business. One is dead and one is in prison for murder (not of his brother).
This is what addiction, and specifically crack, does to a person over time. I am not saying there is no hope, as Kitty and I are living proof that people do recover.
However, I would highly suggest you follow the suggestions above - take care of you, get your money to where he has no access, and be aware that anything can be sold for crack...my vacuum cleaner was sold by my XABF (ex addict boyfriend) along with everything else in my house while I was in jail...including my dead mom's wedding ring - what Kitty said is so true....whe we smoke crack, it is ALL we can think about...getting more.
I know you are getting a lot of info and it is probably overwhelming, but please take time to read around some of the other posts of those who have stuck it out with their addicts. Whatever you do, however, you have our support as most of us have been down the same path, maybe just a little variation.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
