Crazy

Old 10-21-2009, 11:04 AM
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Crazy

I used to post here a lot on the Family of Alcoholics Forum, but have been reading both forums the last few days and since C is also a meth user, I thought it would be more appropropriate to post here.

I have been with C for almost 5 years now. He is an alcoholic/meth addict. It has been an off and on relationship, like a lot of them. He is emotionally/verbally abusive, and has been physical (which he was incarcerated for). After much anger management/classes, C has not been physical with me anymore, he usually will leave before he gets to that point. He never hit me, but has shoved me. I have been the crazy codie who dabbles with recovery, and gets so far with it...then I go back. This last time, I stopped posting on any forums because I figured it was a waste of time...I wasn't recovering. I gave up, basically, because I knew I wasn't ready to leave. I still don't know if I am, but I am trying my best to at least do something different. I have appointments next week, one with an outpatient therapist, the other with a counselor/physician who can hopefully help me with medicines. I have taken 2 anti-depressants over the last few years, and stopped taking both. I have tried 2 counselors over the course of the relationship...one who told me I wasn't "codependent" and that she didn't think codependency is even a real sickness. The other one...idk she wasn't for me...she basically told me I need to break free of this and that I deserve better, but my issues are so much deeper. I have tried Al-Anon...I don't think the meetings are for me.

I typed this up the other day, I guess just journalizing, so this will be my post. In some aspects, I have come a long way in my recovery, but in others, I am in exactly the same position. I try so hard to understand him, and why he does things...because I want so desperately to believe it's not me. I have a hard time with codependency, because it makes me feel like I am a flawed woman, and if I wasn't codependent, could I make this work with him? Messed up, right? So right now, he is not living with me, and we have minimal contact. We are doing the usual "game". He is acting like his life is fine, being all cocky, and I am trying to be strong, but in some sense still wanting to have hope. About a year ago, when I "kicked him out" (crazy codie)...he started seeing a woman 2 days later. I was devastated!!!!!! Crushed, just beside myself with misery. A month after, he came back to me (and I LET him). We started having problems, he went back to her AGAIN, then came back to me AGAIN. I have NEVER gotten over that, and still have some very raw emotions about it.

I am feeling very strong at the moment about being done with C, but I have been in this position before...and I think when I go back to him (after he promises to change), I always have it in my head that if I "try harder" and be the best I can possibly be that things will work, that somehow things will fall into place. A week ago Monday, C was "working" with xx until 10:00 at night, I was furious (and with the intuition that he is using meth again), I called him and told him not to bother coming home. I think I probably overreacted, but I felt disrespected and hurt, and knew it would just be a big fight and I would come out looking like the crazy one, as usual. So all last week, it was the same game playing that we do. He would call me, I would pretend to be strong, and he would be mean and I would say I was sorry. Anyway, I was really sick over the weekend, and C wanted to go out Sat. nite. I told him no, I was sick and if he loved me he would come over and spend time with me. That was a mistake, he came over but was a complete ass to me. He was so cold hearted, unaffectionate, and uncaring. I could tell he didn't want to be there, it's like he just didn't even care. So Sunday morning, my mom came to get my son to take him to my gramas, and she told us about the ambulance being out at his mom's. So C called his mom and she said "I think we just lost your uncle" and hung up, so C had me take him out there. I know he was upset, but he was being so ****** to me, I felt like ****, I felt like nothing, I was so uncomfortable around him, or being at his mom's. He didn't want me there, he was being so horrible to me. I waited in the side drive for him to come out, and xx pulled up behind me. He came out of the house, didn't even say one word to me, and went right to xx's truck, then leaned over and asked if I cared if he worked with xx. (after all, that's where the drugs are!!!) I went off...I told him he can live at xx's for all I cared, that I am sick of it. I went home and packed his things, and called xx to tell him to tell C to send someone for his things, whenever. I didn't hear from him until late Sunday night, he was crying, a mess, telling me about his uncle...that they were waiting to pull the plug. I told him I was sorry, tried being there for him as best I could. Then nothing again from him until after 11 last night, I was in bed sleeping. I had called earlier just to tell him I was sorry and try and be an adult and be there for him, but he was at the bar. So when he calls, he is a drunken mess, a mixture of yelling at me, crying, blaming me for our relationship problems down to how I'm not there for him, and how I haven't had to deal with losing someone close yet...I about lost it...he knows I lost my husband to cancer, he died in my arms). I was so furious and still tried to "be there". Finally, I had to hang up. He called back a couple times, I answered once more, then was done for the night. I am just struggling with all of this so much. He is just so lost in his addictions and doesn't care who he hurts or what he loses. I can't wrap my mind around how he can be so cruel to me, and still BLAME me. I admit I have been depressed and probably not the perfect "girlfriend", but I have tried, and tried, and nothing works. No matter what I do, he still is never happy with me. And I believe his stupid ****, I mean I find myself second guessing myself all the time. Maybe if I would have....and then I rehearse all these things in my crazy head, things I should have done. Last night he said that I don't care about him, don't love him. If he doesn't know that I love him, I wonder what makes him think I keep going back? Pure insanity.

I want desperately to feel that it isn't me, that I am not just some psycho bitch like he says I am...I desperately want to believe that I am a good person, and that I tried my best and that it isn't my fault.

I went to counseling 2 weeks ago and cancelled last night's appointment, but I don't think the lady is the one for me. I think it's going to take a special one to help me figure out why I can't respect myself, or love myself....and so far can't find one.

Sometimes I think I should have tried harder. He brought up to me last weekend how we never go out and do anything together. By "going out" usually he means going to the bar . And I always just wanted to be home, I think because that is where I feel safest. I never wanted to go to the bar with C, and found myself just not caring and having a hard time giving anything. And so then I get this feeling of it being my fault...if only I cooked more, if only I paid more attention to him, if only I made him feel better about himself. He has such a way of turning things around to it ALL being my fault. I want to believe in my heart that had he put real effort in, I would have put all that effort in as well.

And now on top of everything I feel, none of it good...EVER, I get to feel guilty for "not being there" for him when his Uncle died. I feel bad, but when he lost his dad, I went through pure hell with him. I can't do it again, I can't. It is just an excuse for him to treat me horrible (which he does anyway!). But I wish I could find a way to escape this depression, I can't remember the last time I felt happy, or excited, or truly good, I feel so trapped, And I get so frustrated that he is able to put up such a show for everyone, he always appear so cool, calm, and collected when everyone is around. And now it will be "oh poor C". It will be all about him.

And then the horrible thoughts...after all I've went through, if I don't cave and take him back, if I'm really strong and move on, he will just find some woman (one who hasn't been emotionally drained for the last 5 years), and charm her and start all over. He will move on like I don't exist....like I am nothing...and she won't know any better, and she will have a fresh mind and be able to give him everything I can't....and then I will be dealing with that hurt. WHEN DOES THIS HURT EVER END??????

I still love C, and I think a part of me always will. I wish I could escape my own ridiculous thoughts, my emotions and feelings. How can he be so cold hearted??? I know he has pain, or else he wouldn't drink. But when will he get to a point of accepting responsibility? I mean really accepting that he messed up, not just saying it?

I honestly don't know how much more I can take! I want to be be happy, I want to be strong, but he has such a hold on me, he controls my every thought and emotion and I want away from it.

I am sorry for this being so long ~

The crazy codie,
sodetermined
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Old 10-21-2009, 11:24 AM
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this is what addicts do:

What Addicts Do

My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
You cannot get him to realize how messed up he is and get him to change that. You work on can changing yourself though. Counseling is a good start. Reading here is a good start. Books about co-dependency are a good start (like Co-dependent No-more by melanie beattie.) Alanon meetings are a good start.

You keep asking for reassurance that it's not you. Well this isn't about him. He's just an addict doing what addicts do. This is about you. It's about what you need to feel better about yourself and worthy of love.

Give yourself some credit. Change isn't easy. We just need to take babysteps in the direction we want to go.

What's one small thing you can do for yourself today that will help you get to where you want to be in your life?
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Old 10-21-2009, 11:29 AM
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Now, here's one for us codependents:

What Codependents Do

My name's Jane. I'm a codependent. And this is what codependents do.

You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat myself better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is everyone else’s needs and how to go about fulfilling them. Within five minutes of meeting you, I will be offering you help.

My own feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my enabling that I have no empathy for myself.

My behavior cannot and will not change until I make a decision to stop enabling and then follow it up with a plan of action to practice acceptance, self-compassion and self-care.

And until I make that decision, I will help again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am a codependent. And that's what codependents do.
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Old 10-21-2009, 06:42 PM
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Hi Sodetermined. Sorry you're going through this. My ex's doc was meth also. I was a good wife, but I got the same lines you're getting about if I'd do this differently or pay him more attention or be better in bed, etc, etc. then he wouldn't do drugs or drink. It's all part of the blame game that addicts use to make them feel better about their addictions. If they blame you, they don't have to blame themselves.

What is your dealbreaker? My ex went to 3 rehabs, jail, then prison. After prison, I'd had enough and when he relapsed and started staying out all night again, he had to go. He was telling me he lived in a rental house about 15 miles away, when really he was living at the drug dealers in a shack out back (no power) with his GF. That was my dealbreaker. After giving this man 18 years of giving giving giving and receiving nothing in return but heartache, then he does this, I know I can never take him back.

If they are not working on recovery, nothing will change. Maybe make a pro/con list of why you're with this man . What you're getting out of the relationship, etc. This will help give you a clear view of your relationship as you move forward and decide to stay or go. Keep reading and posting! It will help you so much as you go through this difficult time. ((HUGS))
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Old 10-21-2009, 07:44 PM
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I am sort of the anti-christ of co-dependency. Then my daughter got addicted to heroin and I developed a full blown case of co-dependency.

When I look back, upon that time, in my life, my own co-dependency was rooted in a belief that I had the ability to control my daughter and cure her addiction. And Lord knows, I tried. I could not figure out why....why she was doing this to me. You see, I managed to make her life and addiction all about me. That's what we co-dependents do. And we are sneaky little devils,too. We do it all in the name of our love for them cause we know what best for them...and forget about the concept of free will.

Your friend's addiction, the life style, the moods, the abuse are not personal. He hates himself and projects it all on you. Only way it can impact you is if this abuse validates your own feeling about yourself. Sounds like you are in touch with this concept.

Since you have determined that a support group and therapy does not work for you, what are you going to do to heal yourself? There is no magic formula that's going to make it all better. Have you considered getting out of the house and doing good, somewhere. Volunteer your time. Meet new people,.. Become exposed to some new ideas. Learn something. Find something ( not someone) to be passionate about. Don't like people? How about animals. Shelters are always looking for new lovers. Imagine the possibilities.
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Old 10-22-2009, 02:00 AM
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I know that when I was in my darker days of codependency but trying to find a better way to live, distracting myself from the obsession was a good start. Making myself do something, anything that took my mind to a better place, gave me a reprieve from the obsession at least for a while.

I found that I cherished those moments. Finding an hour of peace, then a half day, then a whole day where I took my mind back to focusing on myself and my happiness, gave me a new clarity of what life could be, if I was willing to let it.

Meetings helped me more than anything, not just for the meetings themselves which helped me find a better path, but I made friends there, friends I could trust and who understood. We went to dinner and a movie once a week, and often met for coffee or a walk in nature, and those get togethers helped me see that life didn't have to be all about my addict son, that it could be better if I did what I needed to do to get out of myself.

It's like being stuck in the mud. We don't like where we are but our feet just won't go anyplace else. Sometimes we just need to take off our shoes and step out. Who knew?

There is hope for you. You clearly see that he is bringing nothing to this relationship and it sounds like you are tired of doing all the work and yet not changing the outcome.

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, and it sounds like you're there, it's time to try something else, it's time for change and change begins and ends with us. We can't change them but we can say "enough" and step out of our shoes to find a new path.

Hugs
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Old 10-22-2009, 09:01 AM
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hi sodetermined, just wanted to chime in to say your story sounds like something i've posted once. i honesty believe that i was the craziest person on the face of this earth, i allowed my ah to convince me and everyone i knew that i needed to be commited to an asylum. i thank my hp that i stumbled upon this place before that happened.

i agree with the others, if he can blame you for his behavior then he won't have to face himself. none of this is your fault and there is nothing you can "do more of" that will change his behavior or make him stop his behavior. his behavior has nothing at all to do with what you do or don't do.

i had to accept that i couldn't change my ah of 23yrs, and since i needed change, i had to do the changing. for 21yrs i went through exactly what you've described above and it only got worse and worse as time went by. i had to detach from my ah and his behavior in order to regain some kind of sanity and serenity. it time to focus on you and what you need to do to make your life better.

i'm a ra too and in my active addiction i did care about my family but my addiction came first. most addicts get determined to stay in their addictions as long as possible and when one enabler stop enabling/accepting their behavior, then sometimes they will find another enabler. know that regardless of who he is with or where he goes, he takes him and his behavior with him. i know it hurts but i think maybe she is doing you a huge favor.

today i have serious health issues that i've been told stem from my living in addiction for so long but other than that, after nearly 2yrs of me being away from all the drama of his addiction, i have more peace than i ever thought possible. he's still using but that his his life and i choose to stay out of his way and allow him to live it as he see fit.

take care of you, it does get easier as time goes on. i will keep the both of you in my prayers.
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Old 10-22-2009, 06:05 PM
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Thanks for the input everyone (and for listening to my craziness).

Today I attended his uncle's funeral...I was actually quite fond of this uncle, when we were having problems and the rest of the family treated me like an outcast, he was always mutual, always willing to listen and talk to me. So I knew I would have to see him. I have had minimal contact with him this week, he did call 2 nights, drunk...and then one day while I was at work. He was very cold to me, I did put my hand on his knee and tell him I was really sorry, but no hug, nothing. When the funeral was over, I left right away. He didn't say one word to me, even when I offered my condolences.

So he called me about 5:30...and it was all about how I hardly acted like I knew him, and how I didn't even go to the cemetary afterwards. Then it turns into how he knows I am "f-ing some other d---" and have been having "another d--- in my mouth". I deny it, but he doesn't believe me. Then he tells me since I've moved on...which is a big fat made up lie...that he is going to move on, too, and find a woman that wants him, that he is going to take a nap then go up to the bar, etc. It hurts me so much that he says that, and hurts me even more to know if he had a chance, he would most certainly go find another woman and be with her intimately. I said well go ahead if that makes you feel better, and he says well when are we gonna get together then? I said when you learn to respect me. I mean I know better than to have a normal conversation with him, it is impossible. He then says to me "I dont' want to fight, I haven't fought with anyone all week until I talk to you". Which is probably true but I don't think he treats anyone like he does me, he puts me on the defense. He tells me how I dont' even care about him losing his uncle, etc.

I know part of this is my fault, for a long time in this relationship, he would pull his disappearing act, go out drinking and/or drugging all weekend, and I would always call and beg him to come home...so I know part of this is anger coming from him because I dont' do that anymore.

I have never gone completely no contact yet, I always want something to hold on to, but days like today just send my mind spinning. I cried and cried tonight, now I have a headache. And now I'm obsessing about him being at the bar (I doubt he even went, because he is crashing). It's like I want to get better, but I have such a hard time just letting go. I even told him it would be nice if he would talk to me and be decent to me, especially after all we've been through in the last 4 1/2 years.

I know he cant' give me anything right now, but why does he always make it out like I am such a bad person, like I don't care about him, I am already with another man, etc? Why can't he just be decent to me????
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:50 AM
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Originally Posted by sodetermined View Post
I know he cant' give me anything right now, but why does he always make it out like I am such a bad person, like I don't care about him, I am already with another man, etc? Why can't he just be decent to me????
Blaming you makes it easier to live with himself. Blaming you, projecting about the "new man" gives him reason to go use/drink, find a new woman, and not feel guilty. After all, to him "it's all your fault". You don't have to accept the blame though. You know it's not true. Give the blame back where it belongs.
To him. His actions are his responsibility period. You can't control another person and that includes his choices. Don't accept the blame. You may have to accept that he will never be decent to you. (It's the addiction ruling his life now and it doesn't like you cause you've stopped enabling.)
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Old 10-23-2009, 05:58 AM
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You know, pain doesn't last forever and the pain of ending a toxic relationship leads to better new beginnings once you walk through it.

The pain of staying stuck in a relationship that makes you sick, makes you cry, makes you crazy, goes on and on as long as we stay there.

You are making progress, seeing the bad behaviour for what it is...the behaviour of an addict stuck in his addiction. Acknowledgement, acceptance and action are the three A's that will help us move forward.

Keep taking care of yourself, that's what is most important here.

Hugs
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Old 10-23-2009, 09:55 AM
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its me again, i agree with the others about him blameing you for his troubles but to me, it also sounds possible that since he knows that you would be hurt by the thought of him finding someone new, or blaming you for the same, he may say or do what ever he thinks might work to manipulate you into excepting his behavior causing you to want to go back to being the way you were with him before.

i think you are making so much progress by looking out for your own best interest and he sees it and is grasping for straws, maybe trying to guilt you into continueing to be his non complaining enabler or excepting his behavior. think about it, you are the prize to be won and not him.

try if you can, to take nothing he says at face value. i know you are trying to hold on to what contact you do have but for me, nc, one day at a time and not allowing myself to think about my ah, good or bad, was what helped the pain and all the thoughts to began to ease. do whatever you can to change your thoughts about him as soon as the thought comes. try doing it for 5 mins. at at time and then again and again, it works for me hope it will for you too. it does get easier. besides, he can't say hurtful things to you if you choose not to listen. still praying for ya.
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