Do I have a big CODIE sign on my forehead?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Do I have a big CODIE sign on my forehead?
Well, do I? 
I've recently signed up for an online dating site, not terribly serious about it or anything. I've been talking to a few different guys, but there is one guy who I've enjoyed talking with more than the others. I had a very faint warning bell go off because he is very charming and has a great sense of humor, just like AH. In fact, he is similar to AH in a lot of ways. I talked myself out of it, because all charming funny guys can't be bad news, right? Well, in getting to talk more, he has an eerily similar story to AH's, and is newly sober. Like, still pulling himself out of a pretty bad situation. The only thing that could make this more eerie would be if the guy actually turned out to BE my AH. He even kind of looks like him.
So do I have a sign on my forehead? Obviously, I can't date the guy, but should I still be his friend? I am leaning toward no, as I can see it being bad for my health, but how do I tell him that? He seems like he's genuinely trying to change his life, and I don't want to come across as thinking he's a loser or not good enough or anything like that. I just don't think I want to be wrapped up in someone else's problems at this point in my life.
By the way, as I look back over my dating history, this seems to be a huge step for me. I have always been sort of swept off my feet by guys like this and not given a second thought to what is actually a good situation for me.
I've recently signed up for an online dating site, not terribly serious about it or anything. I've been talking to a few different guys, but there is one guy who I've enjoyed talking with more than the others. I had a very faint warning bell go off because he is very charming and has a great sense of humor, just like AH. In fact, he is similar to AH in a lot of ways. I talked myself out of it, because all charming funny guys can't be bad news, right? Well, in getting to talk more, he has an eerily similar story to AH's, and is newly sober. Like, still pulling himself out of a pretty bad situation. The only thing that could make this more eerie would be if the guy actually turned out to BE my AH. He even kind of looks like him.
So do I have a sign on my forehead? Obviously, I can't date the guy, but should I still be his friend? I am leaning toward no, as I can see it being bad for my health, but how do I tell him that? He seems like he's genuinely trying to change his life, and I don't want to come across as thinking he's a loser or not good enough or anything like that. I just don't think I want to be wrapped up in someone else's problems at this point in my life.
By the way, as I look back over my dating history, this seems to be a huge step for me. I have always been sort of swept off my feet by guys like this and not given a second thought to what is actually a good situation for me.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by wanting 
So do I have a sign on my forehead? Obviously, I can't date the guy, but should I still be his friend? I am leaning toward no, as I can see it being bad for my health, but how do I tell him that?
As for that sign on your forehead, well, there's a guy at my CoDA meetings who shares these humorous thoughts.......sometimes when we should be seeing red flags, we see red roses, and instead of seeing the Titanic coming in to port we think it's the Love Boat. The longer I'm in recovery and the more insight and awareness I have of my codependency, the more that sign on my forehead fades.
If he's newly sober, I know from personal experience he'll benefit from time to work on his recovery before he pursues a relationship. Maybe he'll have a good friend like you to offer him some gentle support along the way.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Wanting I can SO relate to your post! I went out on a few dates after being newly separated and I swear to you every guy I met was either an alcoholic, had self esteem problems or very clinging. I'd walk around the grocery store and a guy would approach me and sure enough I either smelled booze on his breath or he was yakking about planning his life around me - DUH!!!!!It was only when I started working on myself and being TOTALLY alone that I was able to figure out:
I was attracting the type of person that I was - I really do believe that we attract the type of person or energy that we are giving out
For me I was emotionally drawn to people who feel familiar - sick me!
I took a year of solid daily recovery and it's worked! I no longer attract those type of people because I'm not like that.
Take the time - you're worth it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: VA
Posts: 85
So "codie" means "co-dependent"? I've seen people use both terms liberally, and it seems like everyone in Alanon has self-diagnosed themselves as co-dependent. Is that why people in Alanon say they are in recovery, because they are co-dependents? I'm not sure what it even means.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Main Entry: co·de·pen·den·cy
Pronunciation: \-dən(t)-sē\
Function: noun
Date: 1979
: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another
These are the patterns & characteristics of codependency:
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Pronunciation: \-dən(t)-sē\
Function: noun
Date: 1979
: a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person is controlled or manipulated by another who is affected with a pathological condition (as an addiction to alcohol or heroin); broadly : dependence on the needs of or control by another
These are the patterns & characteristics of codependency:
These patterns and characteristics are offered as a tool to aid in self-evaluation. They may be particularly helpful to newcomers.
Denial Patterns:
I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.
Low Self Esteem Patterns:
I have difficulty making decisions.
I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never "good enough."
I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behavior over my own.
I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.
Compliance Patterns:
I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
I accept sex when I want love.
Control Patterns:
I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
I attempt to convince others of what they "should" think and how they "truly" feel.
I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
I lavish gifts and favors on those I care about.
I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
I have to be "needed" in order to have a relationship with others.
Patterns and Characteristics of Codependance is reprinted from the website Welcome to Co-Dependents Anonymous World Fellowship with permission of Co-Dependents Anonymous, Inc. (CoDA, Inc). Permission to reprint this material does not mean that CoDA, Inc. has reviewed or approved the contents of this publication, or that CoDA, Inc. agrees with the views expressed herein. Co-Dependents Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women whose common purpose is to develop healthy relationships and is not affiliated with any other 12 step program.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi wanting--
I agree w/ you- if he sounds too eerily similar to your exH then that is reason enough to stay away! You haven't met the guy- you are just checking each other out on an online dating service - you have nothing invested in this person, nor does he in you, so you don't owe him anything - just say "I pass!" He will move on, you will move on - it's all OK. If you need an excuse tell him the truth - "You are too eerily similar to my ex - so I'm just going to pass on this connection!" And then stop communicating w/ him.
I used to be afraid of "hurting" people within really insignificant exchanges - wow did I think I was so powerful or what? That someone would be devastated if I said "No thanks" to X, Y or Z!! AlAnon helped me take off the super-hero cape and get my feet back on the ground. I wasn't flyin' anyway!
I carried around these great fears about rejecting people or people thinking I'm "not nice." I swear I would feel this sense of obligation to a person within five minutes of meeting them! I learned in CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) that my sense of obligation veered towards the extreme and that it was OK and within normal range, and even nice (whatever the hell that word does mean!) to have a more rational response - like I do not have to jump in and be anyone's friend until I am ready, and I do not have to value someone's opinion whom I barely know!!
peace- do what's right for YOU!
b
I agree w/ you- if he sounds too eerily similar to your exH then that is reason enough to stay away! You haven't met the guy- you are just checking each other out on an online dating service - you have nothing invested in this person, nor does he in you, so you don't owe him anything - just say "I pass!" He will move on, you will move on - it's all OK. If you need an excuse tell him the truth - "You are too eerily similar to my ex - so I'm just going to pass on this connection!" And then stop communicating w/ him.
I used to be afraid of "hurting" people within really insignificant exchanges - wow did I think I was so powerful or what? That someone would be devastated if I said "No thanks" to X, Y or Z!! AlAnon helped me take off the super-hero cape and get my feet back on the ground. I wasn't flyin' anyway!
I carried around these great fears about rejecting people or people thinking I'm "not nice." I swear I would feel this sense of obligation to a person within five minutes of meeting them! I learned in CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) that my sense of obligation veered towards the extreme and that it was OK and within normal range, and even nice (whatever the hell that word does mean!) to have a more rational response - like I do not have to jump in and be anyone's friend until I am ready, and I do not have to value someone's opinion whom I barely know!!
peace- do what's right for YOU!
b
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 534
Thanks everyone. Bernadette, that was really helpful. That's why I posted this. I am so up in my head that I can't see plain reality sometimes - Hello, you know this person online only. No need to feel so tormented. I knew I'd get some clarity here!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Originally Posted by wanting
I've recently signed up for an online dating site, not terribly serious about it or anything. I've been talking to a few different guys, but there is one guy who I've enjoyed talking with more than the others.
So do I have a sign on my forehead?
Yeah, this new guy sounds like a bad idea for you...but it's not so much a "sign" on your forehead as it is a sign that maybe your "picker" needs some fine tuning.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: WI
Posts: 195
Originally Posted by Astro
As for that sign on your forehead, well, there's a guy at my CoDA meetings who shares these humorous thoughts.......sometimes when we should be seeing red flags, we see red roses, and instead of seeing the Titanic coming in to port we think it's the Love Boat.
Thanks for the much needed laugh(ter)
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