I'm tired of feeling guilty
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Scranton, PA
Posts: 10
I'm tired of feeling guilty
Hi Everyone. I relpased on the 15th of this, or so my husband thinks. Ive been drinking since after my daughter was born in Sept. 08. I went to White Deer Run in Allenwood, PA 09/06 - 11/09. When I got out I was a dry drunk, got pregnant and was completely sober throughout my pregnancy and when I was breastfeeding. Once I stopped BFinf, I started drinking and hid it. I was busted on the 15th and started going to my 1st AA meetings, I dont know if I believe in GOD, but I know there is a higherpower out there.
I was in an accident in 07/06 due to my drinking and lost 2 of my fingers, had skin graphs on my arm. They re attached my fingers, but you can tell my left arm is a mess. I was double over the legal limit in PA and I was never charged. Dont know why, but I wasnt. I may not believe in this AA stuff, but I need to at least give it a try for my sake, my daughters, my husbands and my marriage. I have so much to say and share but I dont know where to even start.....
So, Hi, my name is Allison and I am a alcoholic.
Please don't Breed or Buy while Shelter Animals DIE!
I was in an accident in 07/06 due to my drinking and lost 2 of my fingers, had skin graphs on my arm. They re attached my fingers, but you can tell my left arm is a mess. I was double over the legal limit in PA and I was never charged. Dont know why, but I wasnt. I may not believe in this AA stuff, but I need to at least give it a try for my sake, my daughters, my husbands and my marriage. I have so much to say and share but I dont know where to even start.....
So, Hi, my name is Allison and I am a alcoholic.
Please don't Breed or Buy while Shelter Animals DIE!
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
Hi Allison! Hehe, yep, lying to others about drinking is part of why I know I'm an alcoholic 
I hope you stick around at SR, I'd love to hear more of your story, and I have found that SR is a great companion to AA!
Damn Straight!
-Goat
I hope you stick around at SR, I'd love to hear more of your story, and I have found that SR is a great companion to AA!
Originally Posted by Imtryinto 
Please don't Breed or Buy while Shelter Animals DIE!
-Goat
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Hi Allison, welcome to SR. You've definitely experienced some consequences as a result of your alcoholism, it can end now if you're ready. I'm glad you've found recovery and you're willing to give AA at least a fair chance, the program has saved my life.
From my own experience, I can tell you that I definitely have a belief, faith, and trust in a God of my understanding. He's given me a life much better than I ever dreamed of, my kids have the father they deserved to have, and my fiancee and I have a great relationship. The program of AA does work, if you're willing.
From my own experience, I can tell you that I definitely have a belief, faith, and trust in a God of my understanding. He's given me a life much better than I ever dreamed of, my kids have the father they deserved to have, and my fiancee and I have a great relationship. The program of AA does work, if you're willing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Scranton, PA
Posts: 10
I've been clean before and now I want to be Happy and Sober and I am willing to give AA a try. However, I would love it if ppl would say HigherPower (HP) instread of G O D. But thats my issue.
Its only been a few days but I can already see a difference with my DH and I. Its nice. It truly SUX to say I cannot drink anymore. I cannot handle it. But the repercussions are huge. Wheni t was just me living in Los Angeles alone, I couldnt ruin anyone elses life but mine. Now I am married and have a little girl.
My DH doesnt drink a drop (Ive done enough for the both of us since my drinking career began) but his parents are wine NUTS!
Im sick of lying, and I black out EVERY SINGLE TIME I DRINK and I did it once with my child and I will never do it again. Im so glad my Mom in law came down. I played with her and put her to bed but I dont rememeber anything. I am a good, kind and caring person, I dont want to wake up in the AM and not know what I did anymore. I dont want my DH to leave and I want to be the best mom I can. So I walked in my 1st AA meetings this week. It was the hardest thing Ive done, but not the stupidest, ha.
I feel like a giant piece of weak crap, honestly.
Thanks for listening.
Its only been a few days but I can already see a difference with my DH and I. Its nice. It truly SUX to say I cannot drink anymore. I cannot handle it. But the repercussions are huge. Wheni t was just me living in Los Angeles alone, I couldnt ruin anyone elses life but mine. Now I am married and have a little girl.
My DH doesnt drink a drop (Ive done enough for the both of us since my drinking career began) but his parents are wine NUTS!
Im sick of lying, and I black out EVERY SINGLE TIME I DRINK and I did it once with my child and I will never do it again. Im so glad my Mom in law came down. I played with her and put her to bed but I dont rememeber anything. I am a good, kind and caring person, I dont want to wake up in the AM and not know what I did anymore. I dont want my DH to leave and I want to be the best mom I can. So I walked in my 1st AA meetings this week. It was the hardest thing Ive done, but not the stupidest, ha.
I feel like a giant piece of weak crap, honestly.
Thanks for listening.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by Imtryinto
IHowever, I would love it if ppl would say HigherPower (HP) instread of G O D.
I feel like a giant piece of weak crap, honestly.
I feel like a giant piece of weak crap, honestly.
And I hope that in time you'll be gentler on yourself and focus on being the best mother that you're capable of being. I don't know of any pieces of crap in recovery, cuz the Higher Power I know doesn't make any junk
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Welcome!
It is good to have you here.
I am also a wife and mother who hid her drinking from her husband. I have been sober a year and a half now and I can not begin to tell you the relief and gratitude that I feel thanks to my higher power, every morning. I can look my husband and anyone else, in the eye now. I can smile and feel myself shining, TRULY shining. When my daughter calls for me in the middle of the night now, I can run down the hall to her room without bouncing (literally) off the walls like I used to.
I am so proud of the mother and wife that I have become thanks to taking the 12 steps of AA. My marriage (just had 10 year anniversary last month) is better than it has EVER been.
You can have all of that and more. Just do not drink one day at a time. My advice is pick up a Big Book and read the first 164 pages. But I do want to share this with you. Replace God with Higher Power in this.
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
This has been true for me. Welcome home!
It is good to have you here.
I am also a wife and mother who hid her drinking from her husband. I have been sober a year and a half now and I can not begin to tell you the relief and gratitude that I feel thanks to my higher power, every morning. I can look my husband and anyone else, in the eye now. I can smile and feel myself shining, TRULY shining. When my daughter calls for me in the middle of the night now, I can run down the hall to her room without bouncing (literally) off the walls like I used to.
I am so proud of the mother and wife that I have become thanks to taking the 12 steps of AA. My marriage (just had 10 year anniversary last month) is better than it has EVER been.
You can have all of that and more. Just do not drink one day at a time. My advice is pick up a Big Book and read the first 164 pages. But I do want to share this with you. Replace God with Higher Power in this.
THE A.A. PROMISES
If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and selfpity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
This has been true for me. Welcome home!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Imtryinto Glad to have you here, you will find a lot of understanding & support. All of the best in your recovery.
P.S. Regarding your doggie quote... my last three doges were all super breeds (much nicer than that horrible mutt word ;-) and they were all from kennels. Some of best dogs I have ever experienced, people should at least go down to a shelter & take a look.
.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Scranton, PA
Posts: 10
Thank you. I am already feeling a tad bit better and able to look up instead of staring at the floor all the time, or landing on it.
I know this journey is a tough one, but we all can do it!
I still cant stop questioning one thing: Why us? I dont mean that in a pitiful way, just a curious way. Why me, and you and you and not this person or that one? Ya know?
I know this journey is a tough one, but we all can do it!
I still cant stop questioning one thing: Why us? I dont mean that in a pitiful way, just a curious way. Why me, and you and you and not this person or that one? Ya know?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,035
Originally Posted by Imtryinto
I still cant stop questioning one thing: Why us? I dont mean that in a pitiful way, just a curious way. Why me, and you and you and not this person or that one? Ya know?
I'm not unhappy with the hand I've been dealt, it wasn't 27 years wasted, it was a lesson learned and all part of the plan, my journey unfolding. To finish my life clean and sober (HP willing) is a gift beyond my wildest dreams.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 35
I know about the blackouts...man. Checking my phone to see if I called or texted anyone I shouldn't...lying about drinking...hiding the bottles. Yeah, been there too. Glad I'm here now...and glad you're here, Allison!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
Hi Alison,
I don't know why us either - but after two years I'm glad I can see things from Astro's perspective - I've learnt a lot about myself, and others, in this journey of recovery - and I'm grateful for my life now, warts and all...I'm thankful to be 'here' rather than 'there'.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here
D
I don't know why us either - but after two years I'm glad I can see things from Astro's perspective - I've learnt a lot about myself, and others, in this journey of recovery - and I'm grateful for my life now, warts and all...I'm thankful to be 'here' rather than 'there'.
Welcome to SR. You'll find a lot of support here
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Imtryinto
Why me, and you and you and not this person or that one? Ya know?
When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I heard people use the term 'grateful acloholic.' At that time, I thought it had something to do with being grateful to finally be sober. Over time, and through spiritual growth, my understanding has changed.
I can say with no reservations that I am truly grateful to be an alcoholic. I've been brought to a way of life that is so far beyond what I could have realized without being beaten into submission by alcohol.
Some days are a struggle, there's no way of getting around that. But my life is deeply satisfying and fulfilled because of the experience of alcoholism and recovery from alcoholism.
I learned to have a real experience with humility, gratitude, and love that I had never experienced even prior to drinking. These are gifts I would have missed without my alcoholism.
Why not.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Scranton, PA
Posts: 10
I HATE THAT! Checking my car to see what I left in it, checking home and cell phones. Wondering if my husband is still speaking to me. Hiding my it from my FIL, MIL, Mom and Dad, etc. I'm done with it. Darn, I looked like a fool MANNNNY times, how attractive. I spend hours at the gym, working out saving calories so I could drink them. Der....So I was drinking on a empty stomach.....Sorry, just talking/typing out loud to myself. Im on day 5 and wish I didnt have the lil devil on my shoulder saying "Awe, come on, one wont hurt you" but whats that saying "Ones too many and 1,000 is never enough."
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
Originally Posted by Imtryinto
I HATE THAT! Checking my car to see what I left in it, checking home and cell phones. Wondering if my husband is still speaking to me. Hiding my it from my FIL, MIL, Mom and Dad, etc. I'm done with it. Darn, I looked like a fool MANNNNY times, how attractive. I spend hours at the gym, working out saving calories so I could drink them. Der....So I was drinking on a empty stomach.....Sorry, just talking/typing out loud to myself. Im on day 5 and wish I didnt have the lil devil on my shoulder saying "Awe, come on, one wont hurt you" but whats that saying "Ones too many and 1,000 is never enough."
I have had some ****** days in sobriety but every single day has been a success and I have been a success. Why? Because for that one day, I may have not done anything else right, but I did not drink! That is a HUGE success for an alcoholic woman like me.
Congrats on five days!!!! Just don't drink today and you will be one day closer to a week and then a month and then a year. Just one day at a time, they add up.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
