Saphie

Friday is my day 30 and this post has been bubbling inside me so I'm not waiting until Friday. I am trying to talk myself into having a glass of wine this weekend. Despite dishing out advise and support to others and feeling quite the hypocrite right now, this is how I'm trying to convince myself why it would be okay: I've done well - I can reward myself. Others relapse - no big deal just start again - nobody even has to know. I sooo much want to be a normal drinker and enjoy those relaxing moments. And finally to sum it all up: Who gives a sh.... I just wanna drink!
Physically I've been feeling great (of course), emotionally my nerves are on overload and feel electrically charged. the one with the club is me and the other ....... well everybody else I guess. I remember years ago I went on the original Atkins diet and did fairly well. All of a sudden I wanted a funnel cake (big no no) gee it was so good when I ate it.
Why am I even telling you all this? My thoughts are all over the place. I have to remind myself that the funnel cake didn't make me feel like throwing up the next day or a failure. It didn't make me wake up with a bloody face and no recollection of how it happened. It was just a funnel cake, so why the heck am I comparing it to a glass of wine? Any inside knowledge or experience to this twisted psycho analysis would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Kablume

Follow that glass of wine through the end. Where it can eventually lead you to. Is that what you want to go back to? Because that's what it sets you up for. I know because I had that one glass of wine and it took me 10 years to get back. By the grace of God, I didn't kill myself or someone else out there. I couldn't say that with a funnel cake.

least

Yes, I agree. Play the tape thru to the end. Where will that glass of wine lead you? Not to a good place, you know that. Why not keep putting it off a day... and another day. I tried that many times, and could never just have one. It always led me back to that deep dark hole and it was always harder to get out than the last time. Think it over.:ghug3

tyler

Even if you "play the tape" and it doesn't lead you to a drunken binge, why would you want to "celebrate" your sobriety with drinking?! You have worked hard and chosen to leave alcohol, and all of the issues that come with it, in the past. Why would you want to drag it from the past into your present?

BTW, I'm not saying I've never had these thoughts before, but this is how I combated them in my mind. Have a happy and sober 30 days. Take care.

Anna

I think I understand your point. When you give up something, it can make you want it, even more. I'm one of those people, who if I decide to go on a diet, I will immediately begin to eat more.

Your addict mind knows that it is losing the battle. That's why you are hearing it so louid right now. Know that you can get through this and be stronger in the end.

Tazman53

Good suggestions already.

One of the things that has aided me immensely is to maintain an attitude of gratitude, grab a 3X5 card and write down EVERY single thing little and large that you have today due to being sober that you are grateful for. Now read them one at a time and ask your self "Am I willing to give this away to have a glass of wine?"

The reason I say to give away instead of lose is because it has now become a choice as to whether to drink or not, since it is now a choice and not a physical need to drink, if I decide to drink I am losing NOTHING!!!! I am giving what I have away.

Only an alcoholic can read a gratitude list and even still consider that a glass of wine or what ever might be worth giving what one is grateful for away for a drink.

I have always suggested that if the idea of a drink starts to sound like a good idea it is time to take ACTION!!!! What have you not done in the ways of recovery? Do it!!!!

WHy not think about going to your first AA meeting this week end instead of having a glass of wine. I can assure you that an AA meeting can give you far more then a glass of wine will. What do you have to lose......... check your gratitude list. What do you have to gain? Possibly a whole new beautiful way of life and freedom.

Sikkisirus

Instead of looking at that wine glass as a reward, look at it as a big anchor taking your sobriety down to the murky depths of illness and calamity

Bamboozle

You can reward yourself.

It need not be with alcohol.

Cook yourself a tasty meal...go out for dinner...eat your favorite junk food...go see a movie...buy yourself an article of clothing...spend the day outdoors...hang out with people you love...even clean something. Anything. That day is your day...just don't drink. There are many alternatives.

Hang in there...we all know how tough this is. Being sober means changing one's mentality and life style. Stay strong.

tricky164

as taz said,

go to an AA MEETING instead, you dont have to do this alone, so why would you try ?

some people dont get to get another chance, thats the nature of the illness we suffer with.

look at it this way ! has your way worked ? if not, why suffer ?.

AA is for people that cant stay stopped, not for people who can. which are you ?.


god bless

lovinmenow

Please don't do it. I did it on Monday, ya know that little voice that says just one. Went through that big bottle of wine in no time. You know yourself and you know darn well that for us, one is not enough.

LovesToTravel

It's been only 17 days for me and I was thinking the same thing. I have a wedding to go to on Friday. I was wondering if I could have a little wine for the toast? How about I just drink on Friday like a normal person and then I will not drink on Saturday and we will pretend that it never happened? One side of my brain says that is a good idea while the other says that I am kidding myself. Where will I be at 30 days if I am doing this now? If you drink I will feel that if you can't do it neither can I!

NEOMARXIST

Hi, I remember feeling like you do over the past couple of years of being off and on the sobriety wagon merry-go-round. The difference with me now is that my Psyche has changed from what it used to be. That is the key. I no-longer "think" like I used to do after much research, reading, listening, soul-searching and more than that far too much pain and suffering.

Have you accepted 100% in your deepest parts of your mind that you are an alcoholic? You must surely know that there is no such thing as "a glass of wine". That is laughable... I wouldn't ever want a glass of wine but enough to get me totally drunk just how I like it because I am a drunk!!

I used to feel that it was my right to be able to drink because I hadn't reached that stage of "acceptance"; of my own alcoholism and that most people aren't alcoholics like me. I no-longer feel resentment that I don't drink rather somewhat of a blessing as drink was destroying me and everything in my life. Rather than looking what drink would give me (which frankly is nothing but pain, suffering and total calamity) I now think of what drink would strip me of... The list is extremely long.

I think you are making the mistake also of not keeping your thoughts "in the day/moment". you are projecting and thinking into the future, I also used to do that. Try to think of it like booze will always be there to be drunk but just for today you will abstain. Works well and each time you get through a rough-patch, like you are having now, you come out feeling much more positive and stronger, because the bottom line is that you never will regret not drinking. Think how you will feel after that "glass of wine", I know I would be straight out the door to go and get some more as I wouldn't be feeling good but rather back to square one again and running away from the present and the fact that I have drank again by drinking more to forget about it.

I am in no way preaching or anything, I felt like you felt more times than I can remember over the last few years and of course I drank but in the end I reached the stage where I just couldn't do it to myself anymore, I didn't want to be a drunk.


All the best xxxxx

yeahgr8

Seriously just go to an AA meeting already...

biravatch65

IF you are an alcoholic, it's only going to get worse if you do drink that glass of wine. That's how my last 3 month bender started... with a glass of wine.

It ended in the hospital, and then back in AA.

Goat

I think you know i'm in exactly the same place you are Saphie! I'd like to repeat something Neo said, because it seems to be working best for me right now and maybe it will for you.

Alcohol wants nothing more than to lead me to believe it will just be *a* glass... but I know that one glass is not what I want. I want to hammer myself to oblivion, and the part I am hiding from myself is that I have tried and failed to have *a* glass hundreds, maybe thousands, of times.

Today I am going to finish some work and then I am going to hop on my motorcycle and enjoy the beautiful day. Because that is something I love to do that I have never intertwined with alcohol (even my drunkest self is scared sh*tless of riding the bike whilst drunk). That is how I plan to not drink today.

What about you Saphie? Will you please make a plan for what to do instead of drinking today?

-Goat

Goat

I had to respond to this in particular...

There is absolutely no need to feel like a hypocrite. I, personally, have found your shares and advice to be very useful.

The wisdom and advice of people who have been sober for a long time is quite helpful, but I, early as I am in my sobriety, need the connection and sharing with people who are early in their program like I am. I need to hear your advice and your troubles just for my own selfish purposes.

So please don't stop! You are helping others like me stay sober!

-Goat

smacked

One glass? If any of us could randomly have one glass of wine and walk away not wanting more, we probably wouldn't be here. This is how sick the addicted mind can be.. a reward? For sobriety? What?? In what universe does that make sense..

NOT everyone relapses. Relapse is part of active addiction, not recovery.

I promise you wont wake up on Saturday morning thinking "wow, that was just AWESOME that I had wine last night, I'm so HAPPY with myself!!!!".

And then what? Another night, might have 2.. another you might just blow the whole thing and get wasted.. and we might see you back here asking for some guidance in a few months after you reached another 'bottom' god forbid. The cool thing here, is that you can prevent all that. One glass of wine.. would it really taste THAT good?

It's your choice, we'll still be here either way.

Wolfchild

This is what works for me
& what i'm doing for you.

If all i have to tell me what i could(should) do is my thinking,
i am almost gaurunteed to come up short of happiness.
i think what i think, but have learned how to pray
before making a decision or taking any action.
The results of my day are much better!

Saphie

I knew this morning that I had to post this thread, instead of just chewing over my thoughts until the weekend. I also knew you all would come through for me, well I was hoping and you did. Too many quotes to copy/paste into here and thank you for. Isn't it strange how we can be so strong one day and the very next it's all gone. I will take notice and do the following as an initial plan:
I will write down a list of what I'm grateful for.
I will find the BB which was given to me as a present three years ago.
I will treat myself to something for my 30 days sober and it won't be drink (where's my credit card?)
I will let the dog take me for a walk.
I will enjoy the beautiful weather even though I'm at work, but I won't jump on a motorbike because Pennsylvania isn't ready for that yet.
I will keep putting my two pennies worth in if I can stop someone from being 'almost' as crazy as I was planning to be.
I will NOT have that glass of wine, because yes it will turn into, not a bottle of wine, but a bottle of bourbon and I really want to feel awesome every morning.
Thanks everyone.

Tazman53

Saphie you started this thread of with one of the keys to sobriety..... brutal honesty, you told on yourself, you let us know what you were thinking!

Second, you used that second key to sobriety, Open minded! You read the replies and digested them.

Third, you used the third key to sobriety, Willingness, a willingness to take actions suggested!!!

Saphie remember the acronym HOW, Honesty, Open mindeness, & Willingness. You amy not see it or feel it yet, but you are making progress, and yes, you are helping me and many others by demonstrating and sharing what you are doing to stay sober. I look forward to giving you congrats for 30 days.