NOW what's my excuse?
perpetual optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
NOW what's my excuse?
I used to blame my ex boyfriend for what I do.......my drinking that is. My life......all that.....now? I have a brand new flame and I believe I will chase that away too. But I have learned some things. I drink because I do not feel good enough. I have always been told all the wrong things I have done.......bad, bad, bad......I have never had a positive influence in my life......someone to say..."hey nice,,,,,,,,"
I have a hard time taking a hard look at things......I still have the darkness from cancer......a fear I cannot explain to those who have not heard the words....
When I can not deal......I drink......when I feel insignificant, I drink.........liquid courage? I am tiring........I am exhausted...........my mind hurts.
That's all......thanks for listening. Frazier has left the building.
I have a hard time taking a hard look at things......I still have the darkness from cancer......a fear I cannot explain to those who have not heard the words....
When I can not deal......I drink......when I feel insignificant, I drink.........liquid courage? I am tiring........I am exhausted...........my mind hurts.
That's all......thanks for listening. Frazier has left the building.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: My world
Posts: 379
Hey.... nice post and very honest. So other people haven't given you positive things to thrive on or maybe you just haven't noticed when they did. The bad things are always remembered more for some reason. You know that saying: You have to love yourself before others love you? Yeah yeah I know, old cliché, but if we are honest it's a little bit true.
I can't say I love myself, but I'm trying to like myself slowly and I definetely know that I couldn't stand myself when I was drinking. So start with day 1 and see how you feel. The brand new flame must like something otherwise it wouldn't be a brand new one would it?
I can't say I love myself, but I'm trying to like myself slowly and I definetely know that I couldn't stand myself when I was drinking. So start with day 1 and see how you feel. The brand new flame must like something otherwise it wouldn't be a brand new one would it?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,385
VC, we've known each other for a long time and you've had some good sober time in these many months. Please keep trying to do what is best for you and your overall health. I know the cancer is a devastating thing. That's something you have little control over. But you do have the ability to control your alcohol use. You can stop just as you did before. Never lose that determination to quit drinking just as you didn't lose your determination to fight the cancer. My prayers are with you always.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,279
Hi VC,
Sorry to hear that you are going through so much. I believe that a lot of alcoholics suffer from low self esteem. Especially after years of drinking & feeling crappy about the things they have done & what drinking has done to their life.
I don't love myself as much as I want to but i am growing into it more & more everyday that I dont drink. I am a better person to friends & family as well as everyone around me when I am not hungover, drunk or in between waiting for my next binge.
This sobriety thing still feels strange to me & there are so many things that I ignored because of my drinking & its tough looking into the light & facing it all striaght on & sober. But I am enjoying the journey (even the tough parts sometimes ;-).
Get back on track & start to feel good about you & your sobriety again. The only thing we have control of is what we do & how we interperet/act on other peoples actions. What everyone else does is there thing.
Take care & all of the best in your recovery.
NB
Sorry to hear that you are going through so much. I believe that a lot of alcoholics suffer from low self esteem. Especially after years of drinking & feeling crappy about the things they have done & what drinking has done to their life.
I don't love myself as much as I want to but i am growing into it more & more everyday that I dont drink. I am a better person to friends & family as well as everyone around me when I am not hungover, drunk or in between waiting for my next binge.
This sobriety thing still feels strange to me & there are so many things that I ignored because of my drinking & its tough looking into the light & facing it all striaght on & sober. But I am enjoying the journey (even the tough parts sometimes ;-).
Get back on track & start to feel good about you & your sobriety again. The only thing we have control of is what we do & how we interperet/act on other peoples actions. What everyone else does is there thing.
Take care & all of the best in your recovery.
NB
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,367
Hey VC
I hear you - my go to guy was drinking too - and I thought my reasons for not dealing with some stuff were pretty damn solid...how can you deal with the undealable?
The fact is - drinking will kill you, spiritually, long before your body gives out...at best drinking just maintains the status quo...all that self doubt and low self esteem...we're locking ourselves in to that when we drink.
I sold myself short for many years - much of that 'undealable' stuff I had I've actually come to deal with - with the help of others...
the first step was to do something different, and not drink.
No, its not easy - but neither is the life we lead as drinkers.
You can do this VC
D
I hear you - my go to guy was drinking too - and I thought my reasons for not dealing with some stuff were pretty damn solid...how can you deal with the undealable?
The fact is - drinking will kill you, spiritually, long before your body gives out...at best drinking just maintains the status quo...all that self doubt and low self esteem...we're locking ourselves in to that when we drink.
I sold myself short for many years - much of that 'undealable' stuff I had I've actually come to deal with - with the help of others...
the first step was to do something different, and not drink.
No, its not easy - but neither is the life we lead as drinkers.
You can do this VC
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Hi,
I understand how you feel. When you grow up hearing only negative comments it's really hard to move beyond that.
In my opinion, you need to love yourself. You have to give yourself the love you want and need. It can't come from outside of you. And, it will be hard for someone else to love you, until you love yourself.
I understand how you feel. When you grow up hearing only negative comments it's really hard to move beyond that.
In my opinion, you need to love yourself. You have to give yourself the love you want and need. It can't come from outside of you. And, it will be hard for someone else to love you, until you love yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: uk
Posts: 2,548
hi vc.........long time no speak?..
who knows why i drank.......i have an endless stream of excuses or reasons.
would it matter if i really could pin it down to an event or situation...or how i feel about myself........not really....for me anyhow.
the problem continues even if i have the self knowlege.......perfect health.......perfect background.......perfect life.
alcoholism....or my alcoholism will destroy all that...in a blink.
because for me none of it matters...
only one thing matters.........the solution i have found to remove the alcohol and make life bearable without it...
i could go on and on about childhood "stuff" that led to me finding solace in booze.....FOR ME its just another excuse for me to drink.
jeez you would drink if you had it as bad as i did.
once the active alcoholism was dealt with........the picture of my life became clearer.
and as time goes on without drinking ...solutions to all that "other" stuff becomes clear.
i needed therapy for childhood "stuff"........
i needed medical assistance for depression issues..........seperate illness.
what i needed to do became clear because i stopped rounding off all that underlying stuff.
i found the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous........and i became free of alcohol.......
which in turn help me to see the truth about all the other "stuff"....
abstinence from booze.......and very happy to continue that way....
trying to sort other problems while drinking is like one of those three leg races.......trip fall.......trip fall.
pm me if you need too...or want to........been a while anyhow
who knows why i drank.......i have an endless stream of excuses or reasons.
would it matter if i really could pin it down to an event or situation...or how i feel about myself........not really....for me anyhow.
the problem continues even if i have the self knowlege.......perfect health.......perfect background.......perfect life.
alcoholism....or my alcoholism will destroy all that...in a blink.
because for me none of it matters...
only one thing matters.........the solution i have found to remove the alcohol and make life bearable without it...
i could go on and on about childhood "stuff" that led to me finding solace in booze.....FOR ME its just another excuse for me to drink.
jeez you would drink if you had it as bad as i did.
once the active alcoholism was dealt with........the picture of my life became clearer.
and as time goes on without drinking ...solutions to all that "other" stuff becomes clear.
i needed therapy for childhood "stuff"........
i needed medical assistance for depression issues..........seperate illness.
what i needed to do became clear because i stopped rounding off all that underlying stuff.
i found the 12 steps of alcoholics anonymous........and i became free of alcohol.......
which in turn help me to see the truth about all the other "stuff"....
abstinence from booze.......and very happy to continue that way....
trying to sort other problems while drinking is like one of those three leg races.......trip fall.......trip fall.
pm me if you need too...or want to........been a while anyhow
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: SE and then South some more
Posts: 2,648
Hey VC, I can relate to the stuff you mentioned. I used to hear a voice in my head that told me constantly what a piece of crap I was. I had to think about where that was coming from, who had said it to me and why the hell I believed it so much that I was telling myself those horrible things.
I had to tell that voice to shut the hell up!!!!! When I was a kid, my dad unfortunately, did not always use the best presentation when telling me how I needed to guide myself. My sister always told me what a loser I was. Not that I had to believe any of that but it really hurt to hear someone you love tell you those things and well, maybe they're true, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I knew that my thinking was totally self destructive and that it was also so untrue. How am I less than anyone else on this planet? As much as it even hurt to go against that voice sometimes, I had to, for the sake of my VERY WELL BEING, tell myself that I was awesome, that I ROCKED, that I was a kick @ss person, that I am great!!!! Yes, felt like a ****** saying those things, but if I kept saying them to myself eventually I would believe them too. And today I do.
I have changed so much over the years and most (if not all) of what I did had to come from inside me.
You can get through all your stuff too, that's all it is. Good luck, keep persevering!!!
I had to tell that voice to shut the hell up!!!!! When I was a kid, my dad unfortunately, did not always use the best presentation when telling me how I needed to guide myself. My sister always told me what a loser I was. Not that I had to believe any of that but it really hurt to hear someone you love tell you those things and well, maybe they're true, right??? WRONG!!!!!
I knew that my thinking was totally self destructive and that it was also so untrue. How am I less than anyone else on this planet? As much as it even hurt to go against that voice sometimes, I had to, for the sake of my VERY WELL BEING, tell myself that I was awesome, that I ROCKED, that I was a kick @ss person, that I am great!!!! Yes, felt like a ****** saying those things, but if I kept saying them to myself eventually I would believe them too. And today I do.
I have changed so much over the years and most (if not all) of what I did had to come from inside me.
You can get through all your stuff too, that's all it is. Good luck, keep persevering!!!
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
VC things sound pretty harsh for you right now. I found that once I stopped coming up with excuses and quit blaming others for my drinking I was able to move forward.
There is only one person that ever made me drink and that was me.
There is only one person that ever made me drink and that was me.
perpetual optimist
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Montana
Posts: 2,959
Thanks to all of you....I will read over all your comments again and again in the next few days........they are re-read worthy,,,,,,I really appreciate them. I am about to hit the bottom again,,,,,,time to think about not drinking at all.....it makes me unhappy....and I am such an upbeat person......even touched a 38 handgun today....not to scare anyone......but it crossed my mind to just kill the pain.......then I remembered who I used to be...........
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 25
Hello VC, sorry about your struggle with cancer.
My girlfriend went to Loma Linda for her treatment for small cell lung cancer (one of the two treatment centers in the U.S. that provides positron emision tomography for nuclear medicine). Her mom sneaked alcohol shots to her. This initially pissed me off (evil stepmom issue, I guess)... but the calls I used to get from her during her treatment were heartbreaking... I don't think I could have endured what she did.
Thank you for coming here to share your story and know that we are behind your struggle for recovery and your struggle with cancer. I will say a prayer for you tonight with the recognition that my problems (and most addicted people's) probably aren't so bad (although most addicted people will go on and on about their problems).
If I may: life is good even with someone in recovery with a serious illness. My girlfriend showed that when she pulled through a cancer with a 5% 5-year survival rate. As anyone with cancer knows, this doesn't mean permanent survival, but it is a start in a hopefully long and happy life.
One last piece of advice: don't let the evil boyfriends get you down. First, they don't know they're evil (I didn't realize it in myself until I was 42); second they are carrying around that evil Y-chromosome (good for wars, bad for relationships).
One more last piece of advice: tomorrow usually brings something better and if it doesn't it will bring something worth fighting for... in other words, suicide takes away all your options.
Keep us updated on your progress, you have a lot of people connected to your story --please satisfy us and encourage us with your updates.
My girlfriend went to Loma Linda for her treatment for small cell lung cancer (one of the two treatment centers in the U.S. that provides positron emision tomography for nuclear medicine). Her mom sneaked alcohol shots to her. This initially pissed me off (evil stepmom issue, I guess)... but the calls I used to get from her during her treatment were heartbreaking... I don't think I could have endured what she did.
Thank you for coming here to share your story and know that we are behind your struggle for recovery and your struggle with cancer. I will say a prayer for you tonight with the recognition that my problems (and most addicted people's) probably aren't so bad (although most addicted people will go on and on about their problems).
If I may: life is good even with someone in recovery with a serious illness. My girlfriend showed that when she pulled through a cancer with a 5% 5-year survival rate. As anyone with cancer knows, this doesn't mean permanent survival, but it is a start in a hopefully long and happy life.
One last piece of advice: don't let the evil boyfriends get you down. First, they don't know they're evil (I didn't realize it in myself until I was 42); second they are carrying around that evil Y-chromosome (good for wars, bad for relationships).
One more last piece of advice: tomorrow usually brings something better and if it doesn't it will bring something worth fighting for... in other words, suicide takes away all your options.
Keep us updated on your progress, you have a lot of people connected to your story --please satisfy us and encourage us with your updates.
Last edited by anthronify; 10-21-2009 at 09:32 PM.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London,ontario, canada
Posts: 30
I can relate to you on the cancer thing VC my mom got that news, and it was the rooms of aa that led her to stop the drinking the first time, allow the people and the messages that you get from the room to love you back to health they cant take the cancer away, but they can give you the love you need. as my sponcer tells me regualry " let us love you back to health" and it is true, and thats exactly what my mother had to do was allow aa to love her back to health. her higher power did allow her to have the cancerous area removed and it did not spread. But the rooms of aa or na ca oea and alon dependign on where your go, they can and will help. remember Thy will be done. meanign that your higher power will help all you have to do is ask and give everything to him, sorry for my rent and I apolize if I am over steping.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
