I'm.a.stalker!!!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
I'm.a.stalker!!!!!!
My friend at work awhile ago showed me online how to see the phone numbers that were called and received on your cell phone. Well, since he left 5 days ago I've been checking who he calls. Not that I any suspisions of another woman but where he is and who he calls. He has been calling my nephews. I think looking for a place to stay. don't know. I always thought blood was thicker than water but I guess it isn't, My hubby is their party buddy so of course they'll stick by him. which I think is totally wrong but who am I. I'm just the nag, etc wife.
His phone battery died so I figured he would come by and get the charger but instead i think he bought a new one. He did call his sister who's husband is very active in AA and he has been sober almost 20 years. He is a sponsor and other things there. I'm hoping that they shed some light to him on his behavior but I'm not hoping too much. They were on the phone for an hour.
I know that's wrong to stalk him but I do have OCD and I can't help myself. Has anyone else stalked. I've only checked once in the middle of the night to see if he was at his brothers but he wasn't so I don't really know where he is staying. I'm just very surprised that he hasn't called. I think he maybe in shock because I have called or texted to beg him to come back so I think I'm totally blowing his mind.
I'm am embarrased about stalking him via cell phone records but by who he calls I know he is bothered by what has happened. He never calls his sister and they were on the phone for an hour so I know hey were talking about the situation. his sister knows what goes on and feels bad for me and the kids but of course he is her brother so i do have to be careful for what i say.
This stinks big time. I do notice the kids seem more relaxed and it makes me happy.
A lot of why i had him choose because i grew up with an alki dad who passed away at the age of 47 due to alcoholism. My mother threw him out and he went to live with his mother and either he fell down the stairs then had an anerysm or had and anerysm then fell down the stairs. It really don't matter how it happened all I know is that my mom had to make the decosion to pul the plug. So sad but it seems like life is repeating itself.
At this momemt i'm not sad nor angry. just doing my own thing. I have to go to bed soon since i have to get up in 5 hours to go to work. but it's all good. I'm really tired right now so I'm probably not making sense but thanks for reading.
No doubt you'll be hearing from me. It helps me and to read your replies always give mme something to think about.
My question now is 'have you stalked and did it make you feel pretty low. Just as bad as them?
Thank you and good night!!1!
His phone battery died so I figured he would come by and get the charger but instead i think he bought a new one. He did call his sister who's husband is very active in AA and he has been sober almost 20 years. He is a sponsor and other things there. I'm hoping that they shed some light to him on his behavior but I'm not hoping too much. They were on the phone for an hour.
I know that's wrong to stalk him but I do have OCD and I can't help myself. Has anyone else stalked. I've only checked once in the middle of the night to see if he was at his brothers but he wasn't so I don't really know where he is staying. I'm just very surprised that he hasn't called. I think he maybe in shock because I have called or texted to beg him to come back so I think I'm totally blowing his mind.
I'm am embarrased about stalking him via cell phone records but by who he calls I know he is bothered by what has happened. He never calls his sister and they were on the phone for an hour so I know hey were talking about the situation. his sister knows what goes on and feels bad for me and the kids but of course he is her brother so i do have to be careful for what i say.
This stinks big time. I do notice the kids seem more relaxed and it makes me happy.
A lot of why i had him choose because i grew up with an alki dad who passed away at the age of 47 due to alcoholism. My mother threw him out and he went to live with his mother and either he fell down the stairs then had an anerysm or had and anerysm then fell down the stairs. It really don't matter how it happened all I know is that my mom had to make the decosion to pul the plug. So sad but it seems like life is repeating itself.
At this momemt i'm not sad nor angry. just doing my own thing. I have to go to bed soon since i have to get up in 5 hours to go to work. but it's all good. I'm really tired right now so I'm probably not making sense but thanks for reading.
No doubt you'll be hearing from me. It helps me and to read your replies always give mme something to think about.
My question now is 'have you stalked and did it make you feel pretty low. Just as bad as them?
Thank you and good night!!1!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yes, I have, and yes, it made me feel like dirt. Made me feel crazy.
It took some effort and some counseling and some Al-Anon and some SoberRecovery, but I was able to put the craving behind me and felt much better about myself. And then I felt stronger. And happier. And didn't feel a need to snoop any more, because I had gotten on with my life. It was the opposite of a vicious cycle....it was a beautiful cycle.
Wishing this same learning curve for you, when you're ready for it
It took some effort and some counseling and some Al-Anon and some SoberRecovery, but I was able to put the craving behind me and felt much better about myself. And then I felt stronger. And happier. And didn't feel a need to snoop any more, because I had gotten on with my life. It was the opposite of a vicious cycle....it was a beautiful cycle.
Wishing this same learning curve for you, when you're ready for it
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
We have a saying around here:
"Don't let the addict take up space in your head rent free."
You've got your job and your children to take care for. That is a better place to focus your time and energy. The rewards are outstanding!
Have you ever had your cell phone dial a number accidentally? Mine has. I wonder if your husband did talk with his sister for an hour, or did he pocket dial? Does it change anything? Not really. He is still drinking and not allowed to come home.
Let the alcoholic take care of himself.
I hope you get a good nights sleep and have a better tomorrow!
P.S. I'm sorry about your dad. Thank you for sharing.
"Don't let the addict take up space in your head rent free."
You've got your job and your children to take care for. That is a better place to focus your time and energy. The rewards are outstanding!
Have you ever had your cell phone dial a number accidentally? Mine has. I wonder if your husband did talk with his sister for an hour, or did he pocket dial? Does it change anything? Not really. He is still drinking and not allowed to come home.
Let the alcoholic take care of himself.
I hope you get a good nights sleep and have a better tomorrow!
P.S. I'm sorry about your dad. Thank you for sharing.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
veryregretful,
First, I'm very sorry what happened to your Dad. So young; what a shame. No wonder you have been so worried...
Well, I'm no "stalking" expert but it doesn't sound like you are stalking him to me. It sounds like you're just checking up on him. You've been worried about him so it makes sense to me. Nothing OCD about it in my opinion.
I think in order for you to be a stalker, perhaps you have to actually go somewhere and follow them? IDK. I was obsessed with an ex many years ago. He was a recovering but relapsed crack addict who I had thought I was in a relationship with, who had asked me to marry him, and who then "cheated" on me. I freaked and couldn't let go and became obsessed and got so bad that I would drive by his house 10 times a night. I don't know how long I did that, maybe a couple weeks? After a while, it got boring. You'll get bored with it soon enough. Don't beat yourself up about it. And stop worrying; he's a big boy.
This too shall pass.
First, I'm very sorry what happened to your Dad. So young; what a shame. No wonder you have been so worried...
Well, I'm no "stalking" expert but it doesn't sound like you are stalking him to me. It sounds like you're just checking up on him. You've been worried about him so it makes sense to me. Nothing OCD about it in my opinion.
I think in order for you to be a stalker, perhaps you have to actually go somewhere and follow them? IDK. I was obsessed with an ex many years ago. He was a recovering but relapsed crack addict who I had thought I was in a relationship with, who had asked me to marry him, and who then "cheated" on me. I freaked and couldn't let go and became obsessed and got so bad that I would drive by his house 10 times a night. I don't know how long I did that, maybe a couple weeks? After a while, it got boring. You'll get bored with it soon enough. Don't beat yourself up about it. And stop worrying; he's a big boy.
This too shall pass.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 105
I admit I drove from bar to bar in an effort to find my husband....why? What did I think I would do if I found him? I realized that, whatever he was doing, I wouldn't/couldn't stop it. Finally looked at myself in my rear view mirror at 2:30 am and asked what the heck was I doing? He was still controlling me, taking up my time and attention. Decided I no longer wanted to give him that power over me.
Now I reach for Codependent No More whenever I have the urge to "stalk" which is almost never. He isn't worth my time.
After caring so much for so long, it is difficult to stop.
Now I reach for Codependent No More whenever I have the urge to "stalk" which is almost never. He isn't worth my time.
After caring so much for so long, it is difficult to stop.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Los Angeles CA
Posts: 208
When I am focusing on the A (or anyone else for that matter) whether in thought or action, I ask myself, "What would I be doing with MY time in my own life if I were not thinking about/sticking my nose into this other person's life."
Then I try like hell to go do that.
If I can't manage to make myself do it, I know I need a meeting!
If I can't manage that, I use ALL of my strength to make an outreach call.
If I can't manage THAT, I come onto the forum and read about the recovery and struggles everyone is facing.
I am happy to report that I am often able now to just put down the distraction and pick up my own life. It's pretty rare that I fall down the rabbit hole anymore. If I'm in a new or unfamiliar situation, I'm most susceptible because new things bring fear for me. But I'm learning to roll with that, too.
Then I try like hell to go do that.
If I can't manage to make myself do it, I know I need a meeting!
If I can't manage that, I use ALL of my strength to make an outreach call.
If I can't manage THAT, I come onto the forum and read about the recovery and struggles everyone is facing.
I am happy to report that I am often able now to just put down the distraction and pick up my own life. It's pretty rare that I fall down the rabbit hole anymore. If I'm in a new or unfamiliar situation, I'm most susceptible because new things bring fear for me. But I'm learning to roll with that, too.
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Before H and I separated, I used to check his internet history, he checked mine, he checked my texts if my phone was lying about, he read my private diary. What a bundle of hideous sick behaviour that all was. Do you know what? I can't even remember why I was so convinced I had to do it. What was I trying to find evidence of? It was crazy making. I also thought I was completely justified in doing it even though I felt horrible about having done it. I had to make a concerted conscious effort to stop doing it. Stalkers always justify what they are doing.
SO, IMO, yes you are stalking him. Right now that is probably doing you more harm than him, but there are reasons that this sort of behaviour is illegal (at least it is here) and without sounding harsh please think about that. If you think he is doing something illegal report it to the police and let the professionals do their job, otherwise leave it all alone.
Let’s turn the tables shall we? an ex of your hacks into your phone records, interrogates your friends and family and work colleagues about your activities, draws fictitious conclusions about what this means you are thinking and feeling based on these sketchy pieces of “evidence”, essentially constructing a fantasy life for you and getting upset and angry based on these extrapolations. Sound healthy? Would you want this person hanging around?
Please believe me, this is doing you no good, people’s mental health can deteriorate rapidly if caught too long in this sort of behaviour, it can becaome addictive and escalates (I had a flatmate who escalated to hanging around outside an ex’s work, roaming the streets trying to find her car, defacing her car, another ex he followed for days after she finished with him, he thought he was perfectly justified and rational too).
Draw a line, you already know everything you need to know about him: you lived together for 20 years. Withdrawing from that daily contact, however painful it was, can be very hard, but you can’t process what has happened and what is happening in your life if your attention is caught up in a whirl of storytelling, and what-does-this-phonecall-mean and anxiety and drama about HIS life and actions.
If you need help to stop doing this, then go get help. Recognising that you have a problem is the first step, but it isn't the whole deal, you have to tackle it.
:ghug2
SO, IMO, yes you are stalking him. Right now that is probably doing you more harm than him, but there are reasons that this sort of behaviour is illegal (at least it is here) and without sounding harsh please think about that. If you think he is doing something illegal report it to the police and let the professionals do their job, otherwise leave it all alone.
Let’s turn the tables shall we? an ex of your hacks into your phone records, interrogates your friends and family and work colleagues about your activities, draws fictitious conclusions about what this means you are thinking and feeling based on these sketchy pieces of “evidence”, essentially constructing a fantasy life for you and getting upset and angry based on these extrapolations. Sound healthy? Would you want this person hanging around?
Please believe me, this is doing you no good, people’s mental health can deteriorate rapidly if caught too long in this sort of behaviour, it can becaome addictive and escalates (I had a flatmate who escalated to hanging around outside an ex’s work, roaming the streets trying to find her car, defacing her car, another ex he followed for days after she finished with him, he thought he was perfectly justified and rational too).
Draw a line, you already know everything you need to know about him: you lived together for 20 years. Withdrawing from that daily contact, however painful it was, can be very hard, but you can’t process what has happened and what is happening in your life if your attention is caught up in a whirl of storytelling, and what-does-this-phonecall-mean and anxiety and drama about HIS life and actions.
If you need help to stop doing this, then go get help. Recognising that you have a problem is the first step, but it isn't the whole deal, you have to tackle it.
:ghug2
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I did these things on occasion too, because so how I convinced myself at my unhappiest moments that if I could just catch him doing something terribly wrong, it would make leaving him easier.
As if being an alcoholic was not reason enough to leave. He needed to be cheating, lying and a son of a ****h too.
As if being an alcoholic was not reason enough to leave. He needed to be cheating, lying and a son of a ****h too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
thank you jenT
I know it is doing me more harm than good. I have not called him but I checked his phone calls. Yes, I know that is sick and I was being obsessive about it. I think I am getting angry now because here I am with the kids, house, bills, etc. and he is out doing what he wants - to get trashed. It's not fair. I'm going to see my psychologist on Friday and again we'll see what we can do about my obsessiveness if it is indeed obsessiveness. My psychologist knew what was going to happen but didn't know when. I just hope he has extra time for me on that day. lol Today I vow not to check his phone calls. I know it is an invastion of privacy and I know I wouldn't like it if it were done to me. I think I'm looking at his calls to see if he is hurting as bad as I am. By who he calls. I admit I do have a problem with that and I am going to try my hardest not to. I'm going to focus on food shopping today (was going to yesterday but just couldn't get myself to do it), change my furniture around in living room. And maybe go to furniture store to look for new living room set. The one I have now doesn't match and the sofa is broken.
I know I need to focus on myself and I booked a Tastefully Simply demonstration for November 25 so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to see my grade and high school best friend I hadn't seen in 27 years on Friday without the accusations and having to be home at a reasonable time. Without having to bring my daughter along because I figured if I brought her he wouldn't think I was cheating. Which I wouldn't.
I don't think I'm looking for him to be with another woman. Who would want a 6 foot 115 pound alki? I think I was just looking to see if he was talking to people about things like myself. I don't know where he is staying so I thought that might give me some answers. I was looking because I wanted to make sure he was working. Definately wrong of me and I think it would make me more sick than I already am.
thank you for giving me something to think about. XO
I know it is doing me more harm than good. I have not called him but I checked his phone calls. Yes, I know that is sick and I was being obsessive about it. I think I am getting angry now because here I am with the kids, house, bills, etc. and he is out doing what he wants - to get trashed. It's not fair. I'm going to see my psychologist on Friday and again we'll see what we can do about my obsessiveness if it is indeed obsessiveness. My psychologist knew what was going to happen but didn't know when. I just hope he has extra time for me on that day. lol Today I vow not to check his phone calls. I know it is an invastion of privacy and I know I wouldn't like it if it were done to me. I think I'm looking at his calls to see if he is hurting as bad as I am. By who he calls. I admit I do have a problem with that and I am going to try my hardest not to. I'm going to focus on food shopping today (was going to yesterday but just couldn't get myself to do it), change my furniture around in living room. And maybe go to furniture store to look for new living room set. The one I have now doesn't match and the sofa is broken.
I know I need to focus on myself and I booked a Tastefully Simply demonstration for November 25 so I'm looking forward to that. I'm looking forward to see my grade and high school best friend I hadn't seen in 27 years on Friday without the accusations and having to be home at a reasonable time. Without having to bring my daughter along because I figured if I brought her he wouldn't think I was cheating. Which I wouldn't.
I don't think I'm looking for him to be with another woman. Who would want a 6 foot 115 pound alki? I think I was just looking to see if he was talking to people about things like myself. I don't know where he is staying so I thought that might give me some answers. I was looking because I wanted to make sure he was working. Definately wrong of me and I think it would make me more sick than I already am.
thank you for giving me something to think about. XO
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: ashamed ville
Posts: 311
Mellane - I didn't do this when we were together. I knew he lied. I knew he was an A-hole. He didn't cheat as far as I know. He was too trashed to do anything and always passed out. Then I didn't need validation. I knew the truth. I didn't snoop. I knew that would make me sicker. Now that he is gone I do it. It doesn't make sense to me.
XO
XO
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey there,
I agree with those who post that finding out "those" things is very unhappy. There might be an immediate sense of "I got you," but that quickly turns into a sinking feeling of sadness/anger (at least for me). If you can focus on YOU and your KIDS and less on him, I swear you will feel better sooner.
Hugs
I agree with those who post that finding out "those" things is very unhappy. There might be an immediate sense of "I got you," but that quickly turns into a sinking feeling of sadness/anger (at least for me). If you can focus on YOU and your KIDS and less on him, I swear you will feel better sooner.
Hugs
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"Evidence" plus Wild Imagination plus Zero Self Worth plus Wishful Thinking= Madness
Go no contact. Contact of any kind, playing detective, etc. only brings pain. I did that too. My life is better since I don't know anything or the least possible.... try it
Go no contact. Contact of any kind, playing detective, etc. only brings pain. I did that too. My life is better since I don't know anything or the least possible.... try it
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Veryregretful,
All of the behaviors you mentioned are normal reactions when you feel you are losing something so close to you... however, it gets to a point where these behaviors are no longer healthy for you. You are grieving... you still want that control of having a relationship with your husband... you want to see if this is all a dream and that he will find some way to wake up.
The thing is.... you will go crazy in the process.
You made a statement of you want to know if he's hurting like you are..... sweetie, he's hurting way more than you are... that's why he is numbing out with alcohol. Not to rationalize or justify his pain.... however, you can't numb out like him so you are left to feel it right now and in this moment. He will feel this same insurmountable pain if he ever makes the choice to get clean. And if he continues to use, his pain will continue.... but by his choice.
You have the same choices as him as well.... They are to get help for yourself (your recovery) and/or continue with this overwhelming anxiety, fear and worry (your drug).
We are here for you whatever path you decide. You have made progress in the last several days you have posted and I believe you will realize your own strength. You are making the first initial steps to get there. Keep it up.
All of the behaviors you mentioned are normal reactions when you feel you are losing something so close to you... however, it gets to a point where these behaviors are no longer healthy for you. You are grieving... you still want that control of having a relationship with your husband... you want to see if this is all a dream and that he will find some way to wake up.
The thing is.... you will go crazy in the process.
You made a statement of you want to know if he's hurting like you are..... sweetie, he's hurting way more than you are... that's why he is numbing out with alcohol. Not to rationalize or justify his pain.... however, you can't numb out like him so you are left to feel it right now and in this moment. He will feel this same insurmountable pain if he ever makes the choice to get clean. And if he continues to use, his pain will continue.... but by his choice.
You have the same choices as him as well.... They are to get help for yourself (your recovery) and/or continue with this overwhelming anxiety, fear and worry (your drug).
We are here for you whatever path you decide. You have made progress in the last several days you have posted and I believe you will realize your own strength. You are making the first initial steps to get there. Keep it up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 149
ahh yes, stalking. i exhibited this "crazy" behavior with xabf..snooped through his email, lied to him and then then later told him the truth. apparently that was one of the things (according to him, at least) that led to him kicking me out of his house and dumping me...he just couldn't get over the fact that he was "lied to for days, trust broken" etc. etc.
i've begun to realize why i felt driven to those behaviors. i'm not saying they were healthy, or that that's what i expect or want in a relationship by any means, but i don't believe i deserved to be dumped over that.
i've begun to realize why i felt driven to those behaviors. i'm not saying they were healthy, or that that's what i expect or want in a relationship by any means, but i don't believe i deserved to be dumped over that.
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