iawoings

can you all help me understand this?

i am new here and probably got off to a bad start as it were. i came here in anger with my current situation, sorry to anyone i upset or gave a bad first impression to.

i have started reading more and more about having had and alcoholic parent.

i guess what i wonder is, is this the reason as to why i am so terrified of being successful.

i am just getting into understanding and facing these issues.

other than here and books i have no idea were to start lol.

PoetryandHums

Welcome! I don't have any answers as to how having an alcoholic parent and fearing success might be related, but I'll be interested to see what others have to say. Thanks for bringing it up!

DesertEyes

Hi there iawoings, and welcome to this little corner of recovery

Going thru the posts here and reading up on Adult Children of Alcholics _is_ the best place to start, so you're doing just fine.

As far as "fear of success", there's many reasons. I can only tell you about mine and you can see if any of this fits. In my "family of origin" it was incredibly dangerous to attract attention, it meant getting verbally abused for sure, and sometimes physically as well. The best way to survive was to stay quiet, in another room, or preferably out of the house.

Being succesful attracts attention, and attention can get me killed. Well, not any more, but the old reflexes and feelings still pop up from time to time. What I did was work the 12 steps on my ACoA issues, one step at a time, along with a couple good therapists. I learned how to accept my feelings and _not_ act on them. I learned how to act in healthy ways _in spite_ of my feelings. I learned that the emotional injuries I received as a child would heal if I treated them as _injuries_, and not as permanent part of my personality.

Today I am succesful in ways that _I_ have decided are important to me. I have a good job, a nice little condo, a car that runs, tons of friends, and a lovely girlfriend. I'm not anywhere close to being rich, but I have more than I need. Today I am _grateful_ for the success I have had in my personal and professional life and it no longer scares me like it used to. Ok, so I'm not 100% comfortable 100% of the time, but close enough

That's the brief version. For me it was the "brainwashing" my alcoholic parents forced on me that cause my fear of success. Nothing more.

Mike

discontentmiser

Hi!

it's funny once you start learning about ACoA, etc. and as the time passes the awareness grows.

I've just heard about this fear of success thingy tonight, but it's been mentioned in multiple posts.

Just this year I decided to be easier on myself (since I'm a perfectionist), but all I've done is expected to do badly in all my schoolwork. I've changed my dreams for the future from being an exciting environmentalist scientist, maybe working for the UN; now I think about becoming a librarian.

I'm gonna have to think about this fear of success thing

DM

LiveLikeGold6

Anyone else have it somewhat figured out? I'm learning that I have a hell of a lot of work to do ugh... Everytime I'm on my way to something good I back out. Almost done with college drop out and change majors, have a nice job on my way to getting raise, quit my job! Wtf? Over and over I do **** like this.

Iwanttoheal

I dunno LiveLikeGold6 - but this is another theme that I've seen repeat itself on this board again and again (and I've only been a member for two months).

For me it is not the achieving success that has been the problem but maintaining stable success for the long term. I have two degrees, I have worked full-time, part-time and been self-employed. I have self-sabotaged each and everyone of my jobs / careers. It is almost like when things are going smoothly and well that does not "feel" right so I self-sabotage creating adrenaline pumping chaos, uncertainty, fear and unhappiness - these feelings, I am familiar with, I know them, these are what I became conditioned to as being normal as a child.

So now I have become more self-aware, I am working at living at a calmer, slower pace. Sometimes I find it boring but I resist the urge to inject chaos into my own life and the feeling passes - it certainly is an easier way to live my life.

IWTHxxx

Lenore

Like IWTH, I self-sabotage when life is running smoothly beacuse not walking on eggshells and fearing what the next day will bring is so alien to my experience of growing up in an alcoholic household. So now, when I'm in a job or a relationship that is chaos-free and healthy that I fall apart and run away from it.

I did manage to go to college and then to uni to get my degree but I think that's probably the only thing I've ever seen through to the end (I even left school at 14!). But even at the end of Uni, when I should have been studying for my exams I created chaos (it's still too painful to talk about how but I really messed up big time).

tromboneliness

This is a big one. I have a medallion in my pocket that says XIV, but I haven't really begun to get a handle on the self-sabotage thing -- so make yourself comfortable; this is a long ride.

I have a broken career similar to those described in this thread -- supposedly a lot of good skills (and at times, I make good money, but never for more than a few months or a year or two at a time). I sabotage my success, I sabotage my happiness, and I sabotage my judgment -- and then second-guess myself 'til the proverbial cows come home, for making these decisions!

I don't know why this happens. Getting some attention for success was, in my family, nothing to be afraid of -- my Dad was an eminent scientist, and I think he would like to have seen me follow in his footsteps. We didn't really have the classic success-sabotaging things going on... nonetheless, sabotage I do. It's as if I give myself one of these every so often:

So ya, this is a common issue with ACAs. Enjoy!

T

guiab

Yes, I too have done some good damage to past jobs and past relationships. And, like trombonliness, I had a father who valued education and success. He had several degrees and a good job, plus a magical ability to drain a whole bottle of vodka, collapse on the floor, and the next morning be dressed, shaved, and out the door by 6:30am. The talk and the actions, under the influence and off, were 180 degrees apart.

I am working on awareness of the emotions that drive this, which seem to be a weird desire to imagine very scary negative reactions and opinions of others towards my actions and my person. Of course I procrastinate and get distracted, and even more terrified. I can paralyze myself better than any poison frog ever could. Somehow this served me well as a child, but yegads it makes life a little too scary and difficult.

Right now I have to get ready for class tomorrow, and I have way too much to do. And I am have the pestering little emotion/thought THAT EVERYONE HERE will hate my post and report me to Homeland Security for summary deportation.