scarke

I do hope someone can give me some advice...my brother who is 46 ( 2 yrs younger than me) is an alcoholic. Has been one I think for about 10 years. His first marriage broke up because of it. He had massive debts in England, then came home to Ireland. He has used cocaine as well. Over the years has had various types of depression, but also has had mental issues thinking people were after him trying to kill him etc. When he was home here in Ireland we got him to agree to go to rehab, he lasted 3 weeks out of 12. said he had nothing in common with those people. So his drinking went on and on, he had a roof over his head at this point. Eventually he went to another rehab and I had to go with him as a family member to the interview. Because he had been drinking up till the night before, surprise surprise they wouldnt take him in. Since that he has moved to the Far East where he has managed to find someone stupid enough to marry him. She has now moved out. He has spent money on land on boats and has nothing left now that she cleaned out his bank account (or so he says). He is now on the phone every day to me and today he told me that people came to his house to kill him. He swears that this way she wont have to pay back the money and life is cheap where he lives. He is my only sibling. Our father is 75 and is unable to cope with this. Mum died 9 years ago. I cannot see him getting better, but yet he doesnt seem to have hit his rock bottom either. I dont know how much longer he can continue to live his life like this. Is it possible to just keep doing this over and over ? He has been arrested many times for driving under the influence too. I have had counselling and therefore know I have to put myself and my family first, but to be honest this is absolutely doing my head in. I dont know how much more I can take. When he doesnt ring, I think, oh, he is drinking again...and worry and then of course he emails with normal stuff. His current wife says he can only go without drink for 3 days and then starts again...HELP !

GiveLove

There are several of us here who have alcoholic brothers, and we certainly understand the pain you're going through.

One of my brothers is very similar to yours, and has for years phoned me to warn me of the bald men in dark glasses and blue suits that he says are looking for both of us. It is sad indeed.

Do you have Al-Anon meetings where you are? I found them to be an invaluable source of support that allowed me to preserve my sanity in the face of this. There, I learned the three C's:

We didn't cause this.
We can't control this.
We can't cure it either.

No matter what you do - or don't do - your brother is going to continue to make his own choices. Sad as it may seem at first, your only course of action is to protect your family and your own peace of mind by learning how to establish boundaries with him and learning how to detach.

It was very hard for me to let my brother(s) go, free to live their own lives and make their own choices (yes, I have more than one addicted sibling...) It took Al-Anon, counseling, SoberRecovery, and journaling to help me to see that my worry was not going to change anything, and in fact was only hurting me.

I wish I had an easier answer, or something that would magically cure your brother of his life-choices, but such a thing does not exist.

But I can offer you SR, which is a wonderful, welcoming community where you can come and share your thoughts and gain support for you.

scarke

Dear GiveLove,

Thanks for that..it is very very hard isnt it ? I am lucky in that I have a great hubby who is always there for me...I find it hard to not worry...i have put myself first but when he is in trouble he always rings me. I now turn the phone off at night so I get some sleep...and sometimes I dont always answer it during the day either. I just dont know where it is going to end..tonight for instance he says 3 people came to kill him but that he showed them a text from the police and they then left ? His wife supposedly ran off with his money, I think she possibly did as I had spoken to her a week ago and told her she should leave as he was hitting her and threatening to hurt himself with the knife (has done this in front of me and ended up in hospital)..so I told her that this had all happened before and that she really should leave..but I am not sure if I believe him that she took his money.. he has a bad relationship with money anyway with all his debts etc..what worries me is that when he was in London he ended up in various hospitals and was detoxed and also here in Ireland, but over where he is, on an island, there would be no hospitals so I just worry about what may happen if he gets worse..

thanks