MrsMagoo

I don't know where to begin. I thought I was doing really good. I am doing really good socially, career-wise and personally.

I have come to realize that I really am addicted to my addict. Today we are supposed to do the final exchange of property. I'm supposed to take AH's stuff to my attorney's office and AH is supposed to return my computer.

AH wants me to sign over the truck to him. It's his truck but I've paid for most of it. I've paid for the insurance on for the past three months too - since he left and I have to pay property taxes on it as well. My problem is that AH is unemployed. He has a few weeks left on his unemployment. He is not going to be able to pay child support and he is living in a homeless shelter. I beleive he is still using although I understand he is trying to get into a long-term treatment facility out of town. If I sign over the truck, he may not get the title transfered. He may not turn in the plates to DMV. He may sell the truck or loan it to a dealer. I don't know. I won't know anything until it happens and my gut tells me it's going to be something bad but as a co-dependent, I can't always trust my gut.

If he's homeless, using, unemployed, can't pay child support, may be going into a long term program or may end up in jail because he can't pay child support, why do I have to give him the truck?

Do I just want the control? Do I just want to be able to use the truck as a "marker" or proof as to where he is? Am I coming up with all the above financial and legal excuses just to be able to help him reach his bottom faster?

See, I still love him. Desperately. We've been to this rodeo several times. Of course, he's never been homeless before (while we've been together) because I've always saved his butt or allowed him to come straight home after treatment (max. 21 days) to support him and cheer him on. I know I did the right thing this time by getting custody of our daughter, getting a restraining order, kicking him out and ceasing all contact with him and basically not allowing him back into my life or our daugther's life. I've done all the right things this time. I know he has to do this on his own. I don't know if letting him have the truck is going to help him or hurt him. He may sell it and go buy a bunch of dope with it. I don't know what to do. I'm all over the place about this last big issue.

Part of me wants to have a hearing on it so I can see him and see how he's doing. I feel kinda like if seems to be getting his act together and doesn't nod out all through court and can speak in complete sentences, I wouldn't mind giving him the truck but if he's in the shape he has been in at all the other court hearings, no way, no how! I'm trying to control the situation again and I know that even if he resembles my husband, the man I married, there is no guarantee that having the truck, potentially having money and opportunity won't send him back into the pits of hell.

incitingsilence

Who's name is on the truck?
You have me a bit confused, with the title transfer thing, but then saying it is his truck....

If it is in both of your names well then you get paid for your half or you pay him for his or it is sold and any profit split.

If it is in his name, then it is in his name, keep it simple and let it go.
I understand you may have paid some of it, you kept it insured these past few months....but if it was never in your name or attached to you then you didn't have too.

And look at your motives no matter who's name it is in and how you might be driving yourself a bit crazy...

Freedom1990

My first question were I in the same situation is how much potential liability do I want for a vehicle turned over to an addict? That's common sense, no? That's called protecting my butt, no?

He's not even going to be able to pay child support, so where's the guarantee he's going to transfer the title, let alone get legal tags, and insurance?

My opinion is you are overthinking it, but that's just me!

I've missed you posting! :ghug2 :ghug2

Puggrinz

Don't feel bad for loving him. Step one is admitting you have a problelm, right? And you admit you are addicted to your addict.

You say your AH wants you to sign over the truck. Well, what does your attorney say is the best thing for you to do? Lay out the reasons to him/her as to why you are hesitant to do so. That's why we hire them, because we need someone looking out for our interests. Our A's just know how to manipulate us, and it can really mix us up. I read once in a book:
"Let go and Let Lawyer."

There is nothing wrong with wanting to see him. You love him, you care about him. You are still invested. Talk with your lawyer about the pros/cons of a hearing. If it is in your best interest, then do it.

You've taken some major steps forward in helping yourself and your daughter. Don't beat yourself up because you still have hope that things will work out. I mean, that is one of the definitions of love: hopes all things.

I love my addict too. I know I am just as addicted to him as he is to his DOC. So when I read in Al Anon literature, sometimes I substitute the name of my addict in place of where it says 'alcohol'. I still have hope too, that he will see the light and change. Maybe I am fooling myself, but having hope is what gets me up and out of the bed a lot of mornings. I don't think I could go on if I didn't have at least a sliver of hope. It just gets me through the bad times.

Let your lawyer handle the property division and assignment. That way you don't have to worry about what your motives are.

Hang in there and just know we are here for you. Whatever you decide to do it will be the right thing. As "Letting Go" says: Good things are planned for you.

MrsMagoo

Thank you. The truck is in both of our names. The insurance is in my name. I couldn't cancel the insurance without turning in the plates so I had to keep financial responsibility on it. Since he had the truck and was on the streets and I have a restraining order, I couldn't just roll up to the places he was staying at without risking my life or someone elses or joing to jail and remove the plates. It was cheaper to keep the insurance on it in case, God forbid, something happened to it or someone got hurt.

Thanks for not beating me up for loving him. I don't want to love him. He wants to kill me. I want to move on and in so many ways I am but he is still ever present in my heart and mind more often than I care to admit. He is my DOC and I literally have physical symptoms of withdrawals and definately have triggers. I do have a great accountability team but as everyone knows, they are only as good as you let them be by being honest...

Look, if I let him keep the truck which was bought for him to use but is in both of our names, I will be able to know where he is and what he's up to based on geography as long as he remains in town. It's not a very big town.

If I get the truck back, I will have no way of "tracking" him. I find comfort in knowing where he is even if he's not where he should be. Does that make sense. Not knowing is what has me freaking out.

If he goes out of town to treament for 12 or 18 months, I won't know where he is. I won't know how to contact him if I need to. He will "black-list" me wherever he goes and despite the fact that we are married and have a child together, if he gets really sick, if he dies, needs something, etc., I won't be contacted. I won't know how long he's there, when he will get out, how he's doing, be involved in any of the family crap that goes on in those place. I won't be able to send him artwork that the baby makes in preschool or send him a picture at Christmas or a card. It will be like we don't exist, or that he doesn't exist. Like our marriage and life never happened. That is where I start really really having panic attacks.

I haven't posted because I didn't want to admit this to anybody. I feel like I"m in worse shape than I was 3 months ago or even 18 mo. or 24 mo. ago but I have the tools. I have the resources. I have the groups, the meetings, SR, CR, friends, God, etc. I work the 1st three steps over and over and over again. It helps for a moment then I get all ******** again. Time is my enemy. I have to stay busy so I don't think, contemplate, plan my next move, strategize, etc. I have filled up my schedule with so many things to do that I'm doing a crappy job at all of them because I can't seem to get AH out of my mind or heart.

Everyone says I'm doing so well and being so strong. It does look that way. The moment I get alone (which is not very often at all - 2 x in the last 3 mo.), I break down and purge, or at least try to. I feel like a time bomb that's going to explode stupidity all over the place. LOL.

Freedom1990

incitingsilence

You could have stopped the insurance and turned in the tags, it is in both your names and if he didn’t have the money to make payments with not only the truck but the insurance then there is nothing wrong with not paying and being done with it…

But there is an agenda that you have set up, allowing fear and the what if’s and the unknowns to rule your life and living this way isn’t all that peaceful, or uncomplicated.

You wouldn’t be able to keep all the balls in the air, they will crash down and sadly it will be your demise, by your hand.

Maybe it is time to ask yourself some questions like…

Why do I need to know where he is…what he is doing…
And even more so why do I need the pain of it when he is somewhere and or doing something that will hurt me, sadden me, worry me…
Why do I feel he will die…
What does this truck mean to me…Is it just another asset to split, or it is a tool I can use to give me some illusion of control…

Also skip them first three steps if you are revisiting them over and over…
Maybe it would be better to do something different like jump to step four which will you start to help you work on and learn about you. No one ever tells anyone they are really hard to understand unless you find out who you are, and what is yours, and what was someone else’s that you snatched up with purpose. Skip ahead to the work and go from there…hell you may even find in that work life easing up and things making sense while other things, like the obsession on him not being so in the forefront…

Good luck!

rayofsunshine

MrsMagoo... I am in a similar situation with the tags/insurance. Since the vehicle my STBexH is driving is in both our names, and you have to turn in tags before you cancel insurance here in NC, I opted to pay the insurance also. Because, even if I "stole" the tags and turned them in, chances are he would still drive, uninsured, and I wanted my "butt" protected just in case there was an accident and someone wanted to sue. Because, they can come after your house if your auto ins is not enough for damages.

Personal feelings aside, please do whatever is necessary to cover yourself financially and as far as liability goes. Seek your lawyers advice on this issue as well.

(((HUGS))) I know how hard this is, dealing with an ex who is somewhat crazy and gives you reason to fear, too, just makes it harder.

MrsMagoo

thanks. I just got back from my lawyer's office. I took what was left of my husband's belongings to his office for my husband to pick up or be delivered to his attorney's office. I don't know but it felt so final and I almost couldn't contain my tears. Of course I got the speech about how I had to move on for me but especially the kids, that my husband is a starnger and he will never be more than he is at this moment which only made things worse.

I drove by the homeless shelter (yes, I did) and there AH was, sitting in a car on the next block, probably smoking crack or drinking like he didn't have a care in the world while I was dropping off more stuff for him to pawn for more dope, oh, and I signed the title of the truck over to him. I took a picture of they guys tags and almost called the police but I know it wouldn't have done any good cause someone always has dope and there is always a buyer. I was already very close to a breakdown and so there it went....I want to hate him!!! I am desperate to hate him or especially, just not care!!! He looked awful and like such a loser. I don't think he even saw me and if he did, I doubt he cared. Why can't I turn off my "care" button? What in the world is it going to take for me to get over this homeless, alcoholic, drug addict who DOESN"T LOVE ME or our kid?

I actually am supposed to be working on my 4th step but all this court, and "stuff" keeps getting in the way. I keep getting in the way. I keep making excuses. I need to buckle down and do this thing because I am so tired of feeling like I feel. I'm just useless and I scare myself.

The plan is for attorney to get the plates and have his paralegal take them to DMV. Of course that doesn't solve the title problem but at least once the plates are turned in, I can cancel the insurance. My attorney will keep a copy of the fully executed title so in case something happens, there will be a record of the intent to transfer the title.

Freedom - you set me off again but I love you anyway. I wish you were closer so somebody could beat the crap out of me and I could wake up with amnesia!

outtolunch

If I am following this, the truck may represent the final illusion of control.

If you give up your interest in the truck you need to do so in a way that prevents whatever he does with it , or not, from becoming your financial responsibility. No doubt your attorney can handle this, for you.

Or, you can muck it up with your emotions and spend more money on attorney fees and court costs and let the courts decide the outcome, for you.

Your honesty with yourself about your own motivation, reflects the long, hard road you have traveled to get to where you are at, right now.

Freedom1990

You don't need the crap beat out of you...you already do that enough to yourself, gal.

It took years and years to finally understand what it was to truly have faith in my God and let go.

I've said it before; I've hit many bottoms in my recovery. There was letting go of the EXAH, letting go of my oldest AD, letting go of my youngest daughter, letting go of the illusion that I was not codependent.

Perhaps you should move that 4th step up on the priority list? I don't know about you, but every 4th and 5th (and all the rest too) step I've done have really set me free.

MrsMagoo

Hi. My name is Janet and I'm an addict. Not to a subtance but to a person, a feeling, a lifestyle.

As a result of my addiction, I have lost all faith in who I am and what I stand for. I have reached bottom several times and tried to claw my way back up to the top. I am weak. I am compulsive. I am lost without my DOC. I don't like who I am or what I've become.

I still go by the places where my DOC hangs out. I don't want the drug. I just want to look at it. I want to torture myself by looking at it. If the law allowed, I would want to feel it, taste it and touch it. The law is the only thing keeping me from "trying just a little" so see if it still made me feel the same way as it used to. Not having it, being told no, only makes me want it more because I too have a self-destruct button.

My DOC has turned it's back on me and left me for dead yet I still crave it and want it. It's the only thing that makes me feel normal but normal is accetable. My normal and your normal are different. My normal is dangerous and scary and unhappy even if it is mine. I don't own it, it owns me and I'm scared I'll never get over it. I'm terrified that it's going to ruin me and all that I hold dear yet I flirt with disaster any time I don't have something healthy and productive to do.

I am an addict in love with an addict and they call me co-dependent. I call myself a pathetic junky just like they call my husband a pathetic junky. I can think of nothing more than my next fix and consequences be damned. Just a taste. It will be worth it right? Then I can quit.

Thank you for letting me share.

breakingfree88

Mrs. M,
Your post about fearing and being hurt about being "Blacklisted" really spoke to me. After a suicide attempt, my mom left the ER and never came home. She blacklisted my dad wherever she went, even though they've been married 30 years and have two children together (myself & my sister). It hurt so bad, and I can't imagine how it feels to be in that position. To know that there are so many people that are keeping you away from someone you love so much.
I don't know what "advice" to give you, I don't think you need anyone to tell you what to do.
You're a beautiful and smart woman and your self-insight is inspiring. I'm sorry that its so difficult right now but things can and will get better.
My thoughts and prayers are w/ you.

p.s. I was in Wilmington a couple of weeks ago to visit some girlfriends, and we had so much fun! we went downtown but I was more excited about the mounted police than the clubs.

Ann

Acknowledging your fears, accepting that those fears are making you crazy and creating chaos in your life, will lead to action that can take you forward if you let it. Acknowledgment, acceptance and action...the three "A's" are important steps in recovery.

You're doing okay, Mrs. Magoo, just keep sharing and being honest with yourself on why you do the things you do. I know I did crazy things too, all for the wrong reasons, and it was only when I found the courage to let go of the need to control and gave my life and fate to God, that I finally found peace.

This truck is not the solution, it's part of the problem. It won't change the outcome, it will only leave you stuck in your fear and illusion of control. I know you recognize that, and I think it will just take a leap of blind faith for you to let it go.

It's impossible to live in the problem (their addiction and all it entails) and to live in the solution (our own recovery and healthy plan for living), at the same time. For me, moving on to the solution meant freedom and peace and a life more beautiful than I could ever have imagined.

Hugs

MsPINKAcres

((Janet))

Please know that in my eyes and in your HP's eyes - You are NOT pathetic, neither is your ex AH -
Neither am I.

WE are lovely human beings affected by a pathetic horrible disease.

Some of us are on a path to recovery - some of us have not started that walk yet - sadly some may never.

Please keep on your path - allow yourself the wonderful healing that comes thru working the steps and taking good care of YOU

Remember YOU deserve it and YOU are worthy!!
HUGS,
Rita


I believe almost everyone hear has felt pathetic at some point in time

MrsMagoo

Good morning ya'll. I debated on whether or not to check out my thread. I didn't want to get on SR and stir my feelings up.

Last night, prior to my step-study meeting, I went into the sanctuary and kneeled at the alter. I just bawled and begged God to intervene and take everything that I'm holding on to away. I don't want it anymore.

I actually got through the step meeting without crying, went home, got some phone calls that made me cry again but this time, the tears weren't for John, they were for me which I think may be good. I packed up the tools he wanted despite my earlier decision NOT to give him one more thing and went to sleep feeling pretty peaceful. My oldest daughter took the things I packed up to my lawyer's office this morning so I wouldn't have to do it.

So it's done. He has everything he's asked for and all that I've asked for back that he took, is my computer and that is simply because it has all my 3 year old's pictures on it. All of them. I just don't care right now. My goal is not to care today and then work on not caring tomorrow. I think not caring at this point is better for than hating him. I want to hate him instead of loving him but hate is just as unhealthy.

Right now I am at peace. I've been more than generous. Yes, he will pawn those tools immediately. Yes, he will probably sell the truck immediately to fund his habit but today I know that I can wear myself out trying to manipulate the situation or just freaking let it happen. It's not going on under my roof anymore and it's not my business. I have a job to work and a family who needs me.

Thank you Ann and Rita - for justifying my crazy. I may call a counselor today and see about meeting with someone a couple times a month, especially since I'm starting my 4th step - the timing may be perfect.

Breakingfree - I'm glad you came down and enjoyed Wilmington. It's a pretty place but since I live here, I go to Charleston to kick back and enjoy the horses (and mules) on the street. Nothing like being in a historic town and smelling manure. Very authentic!! LOL.

Freedom1990

Hey, I like the smell of horse manure!

Speaking of mules, even though Pedro is a donkey, he requested I show you his cuteness this morning to see if you will smile (he is DD's horse's pasture mate).

breakingfree88

Devon,
What a precious little man! You give him a big kiss for me!!

Mrs. M,
I've always wanted to go to Charleston. I'm in Greenville so its not that far away, it looks like such a beautiful town.

I love the smell of horses too.

Impurrfect

(((Janet)))) - sweetie, you're human, and it hurts to have things end this way. Give yourself a break for feeling hurt, but keep moving forward, which I think you are doing a pretty darned good job of, BTW.

You WILL get to a point when you've had enough of the pain, and you will push through it. We all get to that point in our own time.

Just remember that he is making his choices and he really, really needs to feel the consequences of those decisions (this coming from a recovering crackhead, okay?)

Sending you lots of love, hugs and prayers!

Amy

MrsMagoo

OH MY GOSH!!!

I just forgot all about John and fell in love with PEDRO!!! He is awesome. I actually love farm smells! One day I will live on one I swear! Anyone that has livestock....I'm j.e.a.l.o.u.s!!! You made me smile Devon - mission accomplished.

Breakingfree - you made me smile and Amy, good lord woman, today was your day to make me cry! You are so sweet and while I appreciate everyone's encouragement, I have not done well with this.

I take that back, I really have done FANTASTIC compared to all the other times, this time maybe it was delayed or maybe this time, it's just much more permanent and it's the longest we've ever been apart. Maybe it's that invisible time line.

I'm staying really really busy today and tonight. I just have to keep telling myself that I'm okay right now. Judy sent me the Wisdom of the Rooms Weekly Quote this morning (could have used it yesterday but I'm not questioning God's timing...) that said:

"It all works out in the end....if it hasn't worked out yet, it's not the end."

I don't know why but that really spoke to me because it talks about all the times that we stressed and worried about something not working out only to look back and see that it worked out just fine.

Alright, going pumpkin shopping with the pumpkins and costume shopping for the littlest pumpkin.

THANK YOU LADIES for lifting me up and getting me out of this funk, even if it is temporary. One moment at a time.

I had a moment of clarity earlier. I'll share it tomorrow. Weird how that happens sometimes when I can shut up long enough to hear what's being said to me.