fenster67

I have 6 months now. I have been on an endless spriritual journey, trying to research christianity. For the last 7 years, i have been going to church. I came to a point in my late teens that i didn't believe in god. I have done everything to make the leap of faith. It hasn't happenend.

I am at this point - If there is a god, then he or she doesn't intervene in any human life whatsoever. I don't believe in 'turning my will and life over to god." I DO, however, go by this- what would god want me to do, and i take that course of action.

I hope that the story of jesus is true. That is the best i can do. I can follow him and hope. that is basically what i try to do.

I have been in a bad place w/ sobriety lately and i have been finding myself w/ the attitude, like '**** it.' I want to drink again.

Man, my head hurts from thinkng.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

keithj

Fenster,

I came to AA as a staunch atheist. I found that it didn't matter what I believed or what I didn't believe. I had to take the actions that blocked me from the sunlight of the spirit in order to recover. The 12 Steps were the necessary actions to bring that power into my life. Faith or belief alone was not sufficient for me.

What step are you on?

least

Congrats on six months sober. I hope you don't give up your sobriety for any random drinking thoughts you may have had.

Saphie

Hi Fenster!
I don't know if you know, but Fenster means window in German. I can relate to everything you've said and feel just like you do and that made me think maybe we both should open our windows instead of keeping them shut? Just a thought.

fenster67

Well, since i have problems w/ 2 and 3, i thought i should at least do a step 4 for now.

fenster67

now that is a nice quote!! On my way to a meeting now! cya!!!

Anna

Hi,

I have been on a spiritual journey since I began recovery.

I needed to listen to my soul and to find my soul's path, in order to have contentment in my life.

Tazman53

Fenster, have you thought about setting aside the God you were taught and instead finding a Power greater then your self that you can connect with?

Do you ever feel a connection of some sort with something you feel may be greater then you or alcohol? If you do grab it and run with it every time you feel that connection.

The concept in the Bible may not be the one that you can connect with.

Perhaps you can take a concept of your own, meditate and see and feel what you feel. If there is even a glimmer of something grasp it, make it your own.

Why do you think there are so many different faiths in this great world? Could it be that it is just the concept that works for a group of people does not work for others? Who is to say that my concept is the right one for you? My concept works for me, it is one that I understand, reach and & seek one that works for you!

Why try and force your self into the mold of others if the mold does not fit you?

I can tell you that my concept of God one will not find in a book or in a group of people, that is not to say that one can not find a concept others have used, but if you can find something that works for you go for it, develop a relationship with what you can.

If you a simply willing to beleive that there is something greater then your self, that is a beginning. take it from there and seek what works for you, do not worry if what works for you does not work for others. My HP is ever evolving yet in certain areas he remains constant.

Wipe the slate clean and start anew. A power greater then your self is there, just reach out and be willing to accept that and learn to stay in touch with that power, lean upon it, develop faith in it.

fenster67

thanks for the advice. This really helped me. I appreciate the time and effort you put into this!!

Boomslang

I was raised Catholic, went to Catholic school, church 2 times a week, the whole thing. I turned away from the church in my teens mainly because I was disappointed. I kept hearing about "letting God into your heart," and "truly know God's love," and it just never happened. I think I was expecting this big moment where everything would feel different or look different or something, but it was always kind of a let down, and I just got tired of feeling let down.

Anyway, after a long, round-a-bout journey, I believe in God again, not in the guy-in-robes-with-a-beard-on-a-throne-in-heaven way, but more like a concentration of positive energy. I'm sorry, this is tough to put in to words, but then again maybe that's why spirituality can be so elusive - it can be difficult to express and different for everyone. For some people it may be like having a switch flipped - one day it's just "on," and for others it may be more gradual, like a flower growing up through the sidewalk. I think the most important thing is to keep an open mind, but don't put too much pressure on it. Like Yoda says, "Use the force, but don't force."
I've also learned that for me, drinking never helped answer any questions (except "where did my money go?" haha), and pulled me away from the positive things.

Congratulations on six months, hang in there.

rondfw777

Satan believes in God! Faith my friend. Keeping the faith!


Ron

Wolfchild

Antone

Is it possible that your "head hurts from thinking" because you are trying to resolve a question only resolved by letting go (yes, and "letting God.").

joedris

Fenster, Just out of curiosity, what makes you think that God doesnt intervene in any human life whatsoever? I ask this question not trying to be critical of your beliefs, but rather out of a desire to learn why you feel that way. I know many people have a problem here because they ask God for something and they don't get what they want. Ergo, God didn't answer their prayers. They don't realize that what they want and what they need may not be the same thing, and God indeed answered their prayers by giving them what they need. Others question why God allows so much suffering in the world. I can't answer this sort of question.

This is not to suggest that you fit into either category, but I would be interested in why you feel the way you do. And although you say that you don't believe in turning your will and life over to God, in essence you're doing just that. You try to figure what God would want you to do and you take that course of action. You hope the story of Jesus is true and you can follow him and hope. You're doing the best you can.

When I have a sponsee who suffers a crisis of faith, I suggest that they take two weeks and try to talk to God (or whatever higher power they choose) in whatever manner they wish. Following that, I suggest they take the next two weeks listening to God. In this manner they begin to establish a personal relationship with God or their higher power. And that, my friend, is the essence of spirituality.

So don't be discouraged. God's giving you what you need. If you remain on the path you've chosen you'll eventually find the answers you're seeking. For some of us it's more difficult than for others. Mother Theresa went years unable to incorporate spirituality into her life, and her pain was evident to those around her. But over time she succeeded. There's no reason why you shouldn't succeed also.

And that nagging little voice telling you to give up and drink again? That's the disease of alcoholism. It's looking for an opening. It's telling you that you don't really suffer from the disease. That's one voice you want to learn to ignore.

chrisinaustin

This concept always makes me think of this season's finale of Lost...

Ben, to the god of his understanding: "But what about me, Jacob? What about me?"

Jacob: "What about you?"

Creekryder

Sometimes I wish I could believe in a God. I've knocked on that door years ago; no one answered. I tried many times, and with the same result. My HP seems difficult to find these days. This is my beliefs, not to infer that I have any answers or debunk anyone else's beliefs. But the more I see, the more I disbelieve. I'll stop here.

Saphie

I too wish I could believe. It seems to bring a lot comfort to a lot of people. I've never experienced that comfort. I just can't get my head around the concept of wanting versus needing. This is my and only my feeling, not to try and influence anybody on their beliefs, just expressing myself: I lost my parents when I was young, no siblings or close family. I NEEDED them yet I was still refused. Sorry but mysterious ways my a....., it's just the way it goes. Nobody needs tragedy in their lifes, yet they still happen. I'm not talking about having money, etc. I mean real life shattering expriences that have nothing to do with wanting or asking for too much. I really hope I haven't offended anybody, I just had to let steam off. I figured it's better than having a drink. Thanks for listening.

Goat

Very much so. I can see how much better AA would work for me if I could just believe in the christian god and turn my will over to him. Unfortunately that would be a huge lie for me, and I'm not going to base my sobriety on a lie.

I had a little personal success with taking on that natural world and life in general as a higher power. Unfortunately that doesn't help much in the rooms of AA here in Ohio. As soon as I mention any specifics about my higher power the entire focus of the meeting becomes "convince goat that his higher power is really satan and he needs to accept god."

-Goat

chrisinaustin

I can say with complete love for the program that there is enough hypocrisy and "talking of the walk" in the rooms of AA that whatever you draw strength from is your business and not open to others judgment, whether implicit or direct. Keep walking your walk. Someone once wrote there is a close connection between the sacred and the secret. That being said, you may meet a new guy still shaking from his last drink, and by sharing with him the source of your strength you might save his life. One never knows.