doesiteverworkout
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doesiteverworkout
It won't let me post anything but one word titles. lol
Just a quick question. I know everybodies situation is different and everybodies alcohilic is different.
My question is: How many alcholics, when they leave the household become sober and come back? We have a house and children and would do anything for each other. Not that that matters.
I think the statistics are pretty low but I think I just want a little validation on my opinion. I don't want to hold onto hope that he will come back if from all you experiences they don't. I dont want to keep being dissapointed.
Thank you!!!!!!!!! It's only been 5 days since he's been gone and I know he was very angry and wanted not to be angry when we talked. Right now I feel in limbo because I don't know what's going to go on and all his things are at my house. I put most in basement.
I just hate this limbo part!!!
Thanks again for all your replies.
Just a quick question. I know everybodies situation is different and everybodies alcohilic is different.
My question is: How many alcholics, when they leave the household become sober and come back? We have a house and children and would do anything for each other. Not that that matters.
I think the statistics are pretty low but I think I just want a little validation on my opinion. I don't want to hold onto hope that he will come back if from all you experiences they don't. I dont want to keep being dissapointed.
Thank you!!!!!!!!! It's only been 5 days since he's been gone and I know he was very angry and wanted not to be angry when we talked. Right now I feel in limbo because I don't know what's going to go on and all his things are at my house. I put most in basement.
I just hate this limbo part!!!
Thanks again for all your replies.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: UK
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I can't help with the body of your post but re: the one word titles, I know there is a sticky thread somewhere near the top of the board that mentions what to do about it and I haven't yet read it as I don't think I had any probs posting a several-word title but if you look at that thread it should tell you what setting is 'out', or whatever.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
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It is possible. I lived it and was right where you are today. Wondering if it was possible.
Its a long road and if both are willing anything is possible especially if there is still love there. My A and I have been back together for almost 4 months now but the only reason we are able to do that is because his addiction has been put into remission. I can only tell you that the questions you are asking will never be possible until HE decides he is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Its a long road and if both are willing anything is possible especially if there is still love there. My A and I have been back together for almost 4 months now but the only reason we are able to do that is because his addiction has been put into remission. I can only tell you that the questions you are asking will never be possible until HE decides he is sick and tired of being sick and tired.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Honestly, these kinds of questions kept me stuck for a long time. I wish I could have back all the months and years I spent on what-ifs. Thankfully, I have learned to live in the present. I make my choices according to current reality, knowing I can always make different choices if reality changes. That's really all you can do.
L
L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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I wrote myself a little post it note and kept it at my desk:
Stop thinking about what the relationship COULD BE
Recognize and react to what IT IS
It helps me to remember that. I too want an answer on how this will end. Actually, so does AH-- he asked me today if I was willing to give it another shot. I told him I have no promises and no answers, that he needs to do what he feels is right, and I will do the same. He was so frustrated because he wanted me to either commit to "another try" (whatever that means, usually that means me admitting faults, then him blaming all his faults on mine.. sound fun? no thanks!), or to tell him in no uncertain terms to divorce. I told him there was no easy answer and he would need to just act in the way that he felt was right. I said I am taking each day and doing what makes me happy. If being around you is not making me happy then I will not be around you. Simple as that.. No one can validate my emotions or actions for me and I cannot validate his either.
Stop thinking about what the relationship COULD BE
Recognize and react to what IT IS
It helps me to remember that. I too want an answer on how this will end. Actually, so does AH-- he asked me today if I was willing to give it another shot. I told him I have no promises and no answers, that he needs to do what he feels is right, and I will do the same. He was so frustrated because he wanted me to either commit to "another try" (whatever that means, usually that means me admitting faults, then him blaming all his faults on mine.. sound fun? no thanks!), or to tell him in no uncertain terms to divorce. I told him there was no easy answer and he would need to just act in the way that he felt was right. I said I am taking each day and doing what makes me happy. If being around you is not making me happy then I will not be around you. Simple as that.. No one can validate my emotions or actions for me and I cannot validate his either.
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Originally Posted by honoryourself 
He was so frustrated because he wanted me to either commit to "another try" (whatever that means, usually that means me admitting faults, then him blaming all his faults on mine.. sound fun? no thanks!), or to tell him in no uncertain terms to divorce.
I kept telling him I wasn't ready to make a decision yet, and he kept demanding one. Finally I said to him that I was not ready to make a decision, but if he was going to make me decide, I would have to decide on divorce. After that, he was fine with me taking all the time I needed.
L
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
One of my biggest regrets is all the time I wasted waiting. I waited on him for so many things thinking I was being a good wife. In reality I was being emotionally abused and manipulated by a person that was immature, self absorbed, a liar, and unkind.
I did not want to admit that part.
I can't answer your question for you...but you found a great place that will help you find the answer you need make your life better for you.
I did not want to admit that part.
I can't answer your question for you...but you found a great place that will help you find the answer you need make your life better for you.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Missouri
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Thank you for posting this question, Veryregretful! I've tried several times in the last week to post the very same question, and was having the same problem you did. Somehow I was able to post other questions, but not this. Thank you for the question, thanks to all for the answers! Very helpful, as always.
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
I can't stand limbo, but I do know what you are talking about here!. I think I am emotionally in limbo, but know that I do not, can not, will not be in a relationship with an alcoholic. If he (axbf) ever decides that he is sick and tired of being sick and tired, and gets help and is sober over a year then maybe.. MAYBE.. ok a HUGE MAYBE we can make it work out?? but as LaTeeDa says, IF that time comes, we as humans reserve the right to change our minds/circumstances. It is all in what we want out of this life. For now I am quite content living on my own, holding down the 'fort' and actually being FREE for once in my life. I have 'friends' (minus the benefits) who I enjoy hanging out with, but other then that.. I am FAR from ready to commit to anything, or anyone.. or to continue to commit to an alcoholic, no matter how much my heart still feels strongly (in love). I thought I was 'ready' a little while back, to move on.. but found that I wasn't, so I am just tending to myself and letting life lead the way, instead of forcing any outcome.
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This limbo stuff stinks. I just he would just hurry up and come over so we can talk and figure out what the next step is. What do I do with his stuff? If he is going to choose drink over family then I'll get rid of it, sell it. He's got a lot of stuff and if he is going to continue drinking then this stuff has got to go. He also has to finish up a few things here around the house that he started. He just redid the bathroom upstairs and the tub spout is not on. I tried to put it on but I can't figure out how to do it. I suppose I can get a friend to help but it should be his responsiblity to finish what he started!!!
I just want to know where we are going and what he is going to do about the situation. It's in his hands. I'm not holding my breath that this will be his bottom but don't leave me in limbo. Don't tell me we'll be able to talk when he's not angry anymore. I'm angry but I'll still talk.
They just don't get it. In their sick minds and as long as they continue their addictive behavior they will never face reality and take responsiblity.
It was easy here for him because I let him do what he wanted. Go out. Hide in the basement drinking till he passed out. Fed him when he did eat. He is down to about 118 pounds when he went to doc last week. I bet since then he lost more weight. He has always been skinny but this is too thin. Makes me sad. I put a roof over his head. Heat in the winter and a warm bed. I guess I realize he took me for granted. Thinking I would always take care of him. Even his own brother won't take him in if he is drinking. So sad. I don't even know where he is at.
Just come over, talk with me, let's figure what the next step is so both of us aren't in limbo. I bet he thinks that I will beg him to come back like I did last time and he was still drinking. Stupid of me, I know. But, I think now I'm a little stronger now. Ok, maybe a lot.
I'm looking at a stupid boat in the yard out the window that hasn't seen water except for the rain in two years. I'm ready to slap a for sale sign on it. If he isn't going to get help then all this stuff isn't going to stay here to remind me of the drunken times. As it is the house does that but at the moment I don't want to uproot the kids.
Here I am rambling again.
Freebird - (that's what he has tatooed on his arm) this limbo stuff stinks. It's early for me in this seperation as it's only been 4 days. I give anyone a lot of credit who has, I hate to use the word thrown, thrown the addict out and went on to be happy with or without the addict. Right now I just see doom and gloom and it's tough. Today was my first day back at work after taking two days off because of the situation and I broke down a few times today crying. I don't really care if people see me at work being emotional.
I just want to know wtf is going on!!! sorry about the swear abbreviation. I guess the anger is coming instead of sadness.
thank you freebird for your post. it gives me alot to think about and how to resolve this limbo crap.
hugs and kisses to you all!
I just want to know where we are going and what he is going to do about the situation. It's in his hands. I'm not holding my breath that this will be his bottom but don't leave me in limbo. Don't tell me we'll be able to talk when he's not angry anymore. I'm angry but I'll still talk.
They just don't get it. In their sick minds and as long as they continue their addictive behavior they will never face reality and take responsiblity.
It was easy here for him because I let him do what he wanted. Go out. Hide in the basement drinking till he passed out. Fed him when he did eat. He is down to about 118 pounds when he went to doc last week. I bet since then he lost more weight. He has always been skinny but this is too thin. Makes me sad. I put a roof over his head. Heat in the winter and a warm bed. I guess I realize he took me for granted. Thinking I would always take care of him. Even his own brother won't take him in if he is drinking. So sad. I don't even know where he is at.
Just come over, talk with me, let's figure what the next step is so both of us aren't in limbo. I bet he thinks that I will beg him to come back like I did last time and he was still drinking. Stupid of me, I know. But, I think now I'm a little stronger now. Ok, maybe a lot.
I'm looking at a stupid boat in the yard out the window that hasn't seen water except for the rain in two years. I'm ready to slap a for sale sign on it. If he isn't going to get help then all this stuff isn't going to stay here to remind me of the drunken times. As it is the house does that but at the moment I don't want to uproot the kids.
Here I am rambling again.
Freebird - (that's what he has tatooed on his arm) this limbo stuff stinks. It's early for me in this seperation as it's only been 4 days. I give anyone a lot of credit who has, I hate to use the word thrown, thrown the addict out and went on to be happy with or without the addict. Right now I just see doom and gloom and it's tough. Today was my first day back at work after taking two days off because of the situation and I broke down a few times today crying. I don't really care if people see me at work being emotional.
I just want to know wtf is going on!!! sorry about the swear abbreviation. I guess the anger is coming instead of sadness.
thank you freebird for your post. it gives me alot to think about and how to resolve this limbo crap.
hugs and kisses to you all!
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"They just don't get it. In their sick minds and as long as they continue their addictive behavior they will never face reality and take responsiblity."
That's what I used to say about Rob. He just doesn't GET IT and I have to assume that he never will. Otherwise, I'd still be waiting. Two years was two years too long for me to keep waiting on my guy to get his life together. He made a lot of promises & never followed through with any of them. That would not have worked between us even if he were not a drunk. His many embarrassing episodes of behavior left me shell-shocked, dumbfounded and otherwise ashamed. It took me a while to figure out that his bad behavior was not my fault. But, the guilt by association was VERY hard for me to overcome. That still creeps up in my mind when I think about him and we have not dated in almost a year now. Drunks don't experience embarrassment or shame like a normal person would. Otherwise, they would seek treatment after first realizing how bizarre their behavior was. I still think that a video tape of someone's behavior is the best ammunition against an abusive spouse. My ex's ex-wife even has some photos from the daughter's cell phone when he was drunk & acting like a lunatic but has yet to use those in trying to keep the kid away from him. Some simply don't believe they behave that badly until they see themselves on camera though.
That's what I used to say about Rob. He just doesn't GET IT and I have to assume that he never will. Otherwise, I'd still be waiting. Two years was two years too long for me to keep waiting on my guy to get his life together. He made a lot of promises & never followed through with any of them. That would not have worked between us even if he were not a drunk. His many embarrassing episodes of behavior left me shell-shocked, dumbfounded and otherwise ashamed. It took me a while to figure out that his bad behavior was not my fault. But, the guilt by association was VERY hard for me to overcome. That still creeps up in my mind when I think about him and we have not dated in almost a year now. Drunks don't experience embarrassment or shame like a normal person would. Otherwise, they would seek treatment after first realizing how bizarre their behavior was. I still think that a video tape of someone's behavior is the best ammunition against an abusive spouse. My ex's ex-wife even has some photos from the daughter's cell phone when he was drunk & acting like a lunatic but has yet to use those in trying to keep the kid away from him. Some simply don't believe they behave that badly until they see themselves on camera though.
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Mitsy, I don't think my AH realizes the embarrasing things he has done. It blows my mind. The only thing I can think of why he doesn't is because he has blackouts. I just posted a very long post about what I was feeling right now so I don't want to add to much here. I told my 14 year old son that today I was having a hard time with the blame game. Even though I know I don't cause him to drink, I've been told that many times so it's beat into my head. It's been 5 days without him so I am definately on an emotional roller coaster.
I will check in later and you guys are all wonderful people. Hugs and Kisses to you all!
I will check in later and you guys are all wonderful people. Hugs and Kisses to you all!
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
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veryregretful, my first name on here was sadending... that is how devastated I was over the xabf, but I changed it to freebird, because I really am FREE if I let myself be, just as you can be too. BUT with everything.. it takes TIME. You are so soon into this, that the anger and sadness collide. One day at a time, one moment at a time. If it makes you feel better to sell the stuff, then do it, but as it is said, when we lose someone (no matter how) we should not make any drastic changes for at least a year. I still have my axbf's clothes in our closet, and other things of his inside the house. I am slowly getting rid of stuff, and it has been over a year. If I went into a rage and threw all his stuff out, then I wouldn't have a special box of memories to keep for my 'golden' years, where I can look back and see what has made me grow into the person I am becoming. I am a sentimental fool. BUT.. I just want to say, go easy on yourself.. take it one second at a time and take care of YOU. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time... it does get better.. with time.
SR basically helped me save my life.. I was drowning in sorrow beyond control. Today, and for the most part I am pretty balanced. I do have my moments.
SR basically helped me save my life.. I was drowning in sorrow beyond control. Today, and for the most part I am pretty balanced. I do have my moments.
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I am going to hold out on packing up all his stuff in boxes and putting in the basement. I'm also a sentimenal person so I won't get rid of all his things. Actually it does get better with time. Even minute by minute. Right now I'm indefferent about it. Don't know what to feel. If it's over, it's over. It's sad after all these years and two beautiful kids but no more choas. Even today at dinner, myself and the kids had an actual conversation at the dinner table. So long since we had that.
I can't get rid all of his stuff because he was a part of my life for 20 years and helped me make two beautiful kids. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him if he still chooses to drink but I know what would happen if I brought him back into my home with my two kids. He even takes his anger out on the mini wiener dog we have. Doesn't hurt it physically but won't let her in the house for hours cuz she barks alot and she still has accidents in the house and she's 3. That aggravates the crap out of me too but I guess I should have done research on those little dogs. Stubborn.
Anyways, right now I feel pretty content. Tomorrow is another day. Food shopping and I think that I'll change some furniture around. Make it the way I like it.
Thank you and good luck all!
I can't get rid all of his stuff because he was a part of my life for 20 years and helped me make two beautiful kids. I will always have a soft spot in my heart for him if he still chooses to drink but I know what would happen if I brought him back into my home with my two kids. He even takes his anger out on the mini wiener dog we have. Doesn't hurt it physically but won't let her in the house for hours cuz she barks alot and she still has accidents in the house and she's 3. That aggravates the crap out of me too but I guess I should have done research on those little dogs. Stubborn.
Anyways, right now I feel pretty content. Tomorrow is another day. Food shopping and I think that I'll change some furniture around. Make it the way I like it.
Thank you and good luck all!
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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Sounds like you are having a better day!!! 
I wanted to add that when I first moved out (seperated) from my AH that I felt "in limbo" too. BUT then I realized, The only reason I was "in limbo" was because I chose to be there. I had all the control I needed to make decisions in my own life. It was very freeing to realize that. And everytime those feelings of being stuck came up, I had to remind myself, I am only in limbo if I choose to be.
Have you tried al-anon? I find a lot of support there
(((hugs))))
I wanted to add that when I first moved out (seperated) from my AH that I felt "in limbo" too. BUT then I realized, The only reason I was "in limbo" was because I chose to be there. I had all the control I needed to make decisions in my own life. It was very freeing to realize that. And everytime those feelings of being stuck came up, I had to remind myself, I am only in limbo if I choose to be.
Have you tried al-anon? I find a lot of support there
(((hugs))))
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Daisy - Yesterday was a little tough when I came home from work. I did not go to Alanon. I couldn't even bring myself to the food store. I was feeling I was to blame and I had to shake those thoughts from my head. It took awhile but the did leave. My 14 year old children don't want to go to alateen - Do I make them go and say we'll just try it once and see if you want to go back? I'd like them to go but don't want to force them. How do I get them to go?
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The first 6 months for me was miserable, as I went from managing a 4 bedroom home, with family for Sunday lunch, and being kept busy, to living in a 1 bedroom flat, and too ashamed even to go to mass. Thanks to a friend who carted me off to Alanon, I came thru it and began remaking my life.
It ended a 27 year marriage, and caused ructions in my family for a while, but then I got to enjoy the freedom and peace away from the drinking and weird behavior. I would do the same again if necessary, and if ABF drinks again, it is bye bye baby.
God bless
It ended a 27 year marriage, and caused ructions in my family for a while, but then I got to enjoy the freedom and peace away from the drinking and weird behavior. I would do the same again if necessary, and if ABF drinks again, it is bye bye baby.
God bless
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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veryregretful, I am a great believer in trying something once...whether it's a vegetable they say they hate, a new activity they may never get the chance to try out again - or, something like Alateen.
If they really think it's no use for them, that can then be their decision but it will be an INFORMED decision, not just based on hearsay, fear of the unknown, or whatever. At 14, they are old enough to understand this concept of Informed Decision.
Are they able to explain to you why they don't want to go? Are they afraid they will be forced to speak? are they afraid they will meet people they know there??
If they really think it's no use for them, that can then be their decision but it will be an INFORMED decision, not just based on hearsay, fear of the unknown, or whatever. At 14, they are old enough to understand this concept of Informed Decision.
Are they able to explain to you why they don't want to go? Are they afraid they will be forced to speak? are they afraid they will meet people they know there??
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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My 14 year old children don't want to go to alateen - Do I make them go and say we'll just try it once and see if you want to go back? I'd like them to go but don't want to force them. How do I get them to go?
We do not have al-ateen here, but my 12 yo is going to a divorce care at church. She does not want to go, I think she is embarassed, and also she would rather go to the bible study with her friends (which is at the same time). I really think she needs the Divorce care class so I told her she could alternate weeks, one week go to bible study and the next week to Divorce care. I really think she needs it and it is important. A friend who has a child who goes to the DC class said it took her son 3 classes before he decided he liked it. I think they just need some time to adjust.
Maybe others here can share their al-ateen stories
Remember to be gentle with yourself
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