i hate messing up like i do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
i hate messing up like i do
I see myself messing up a lot. And I just wanted to say it out loud, here. I thought it might help me address it. I have been trying to address it on my own and am not really succeeding.
My AH is 40 days sober. He is doing great. He is happy and well and wonderful. We are reconciling the marriage, he is moving back home soon, we are setting new boundaries and working things out nicely. Blah Blah Blah. Everything is going so well, and that in itself is rather unnerving. :-)
But I don't trust it. Trust is a while coming for me, I suspect. Like a skittish animal faced with what looks like a nice human. Experience tells me to beware. I am scared and doubtful and full of anxiety at times. Like so many, I know the statistics and am trying to prepare for the inevitable fall.
I am working on all that. This post isn't meant to be about me and those feelings. I want to talk about how I make HIM feel when I doubt and doubt.
I know it is not my recovery to work. I know I know I know! I keep working mine, and am doing very well on that part. I like how I am changing and the results, very much.
I don't at all tell him what to do or try to control his actions or environment. As a matter of fact, that change feels great. So liberating! Not my issue. La la la. I love it.
But sometimes I still say things related to his staying on track with his sobriety. I hate myself when I look back on it. I KNOW I shouldn't.
But sometimes life brings it up. Like recently I was working on my financial plans to ensure my daughter and I are secure as possible in case he relapses. He asks why we aren't just putting everything together again. I don't know how to be anything but honest when faced with a question like that, so I tell him why. I need to do things a little differently in case of future relapse.
I also recently spoke to the lawyer about my options in regards to reconciliation and financial settlements. Can I still be protected somehow after reconciliation? My AH asks why I am talking to the lawyer now that we are getting back together. I tell him I want to know my options in case of future relapse.
See? It comes up. "In case of future relapse." Even my delaying his moving back in has me having to say I wanted to see a longer term of commitment to sobriety.
I know he is upset when he has to be faced with my assuming he will fail. I just can't go along on faith again, and I can't go one day at a time with things I must address for the future (like ensuring my daughter will have money for college).
So, how much damage am I doing to him? Go ahead, you can tell me. The last thing I want to be is a bad thing for him.
My AH is 40 days sober. He is doing great. He is happy and well and wonderful. We are reconciling the marriage, he is moving back home soon, we are setting new boundaries and working things out nicely. Blah Blah Blah. Everything is going so well, and that in itself is rather unnerving. :-)
But I don't trust it. Trust is a while coming for me, I suspect. Like a skittish animal faced with what looks like a nice human. Experience tells me to beware. I am scared and doubtful and full of anxiety at times. Like so many, I know the statistics and am trying to prepare for the inevitable fall.
I am working on all that. This post isn't meant to be about me and those feelings. I want to talk about how I make HIM feel when I doubt and doubt.
I know it is not my recovery to work. I know I know I know! I keep working mine, and am doing very well on that part. I like how I am changing and the results, very much.
I don't at all tell him what to do or try to control his actions or environment. As a matter of fact, that change feels great. So liberating! Not my issue. La la la. I love it.
But sometimes I still say things related to his staying on track with his sobriety. I hate myself when I look back on it. I KNOW I shouldn't.
But sometimes life brings it up. Like recently I was working on my financial plans to ensure my daughter and I are secure as possible in case he relapses. He asks why we aren't just putting everything together again. I don't know how to be anything but honest when faced with a question like that, so I tell him why. I need to do things a little differently in case of future relapse.
I also recently spoke to the lawyer about my options in regards to reconciliation and financial settlements. Can I still be protected somehow after reconciliation? My AH asks why I am talking to the lawyer now that we are getting back together. I tell him I want to know my options in case of future relapse.
See? It comes up. "In case of future relapse." Even my delaying his moving back in has me having to say I wanted to see a longer term of commitment to sobriety.
I know he is upset when he has to be faced with my assuming he will fail. I just can't go along on faith again, and I can't go one day at a time with things I must address for the future (like ensuring my daughter will have money for college).
So, how much damage am I doing to him? Go ahead, you can tell me. The last thing I want to be is a bad thing for him.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 36
Wow - I just read your post and I posted just about the same question today about messing up. Reading yours helped me to see that I still need to take life one day at a time. Slips are bound to happen, we're not perfect, but if we learn from those slips that is where things will get better. Everytime I slip it's almost like God gives me a glimpse, or in the case of last night for me a slap in the face, of what I used to be like and how much I don't want to be that way anymore and how damaging it is. It's almost like a little gift to remember my program and what it teaches me.
By the way, I see that you live pretty close to me. Do you know of any Friday night meetings in our area? I've been looking for one.
By the way, I see that you live pretty close to me. Do you know of any Friday night meetings in our area? I've been looking for one.
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
J&M,
I wouldn't worry about the damage you're doing to him. If he's really working his recovery, he'll deal with it and should understand where you're coming from, even if he doesn't like it. You are protecting yourself and your daughter's best interest. Your hubby has only been sober 40 days. You don't need to apologize or feel bad for not allowing yourself to believe he'll never relapse again. That would be impossible and unrealistic. My husband has been clean over a year - but he's been clean over a year before. While I trust his recovery today more than I ever have and I hope he never uses again, I know that the possibility of relapse is always there.
Don't beat yourself up over this. You're doing great - keep it up!
Hugs,
JG
I wouldn't worry about the damage you're doing to him. If he's really working his recovery, he'll deal with it and should understand where you're coming from, even if he doesn't like it. You are protecting yourself and your daughter's best interest. Your hubby has only been sober 40 days. You don't need to apologize or feel bad for not allowing yourself to believe he'll never relapse again. That would be impossible and unrealistic. My husband has been clean over a year - but he's been clean over a year before. While I trust his recovery today more than I ever have and I hope he never uses again, I know that the possibility of relapse is always there.
Don't beat yourself up over this. You're doing great - keep it up!
Hugs,
JG
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: where I need to be
Posts: 157
jessieandme......you crack me up....*I know, I know, I know....and la, la, la.....* My thoughts, exactly.
I do understand how you are feeling about trust. I'm right there with ya! AH and I have been separated for 7 months now, he sober and active in AA, I'm working on my healing/recovery, and we're in joint marriage counseling. He is spending more and more time at the house and we've had a couple of dates. He wants to move back home, and *I'm*not*ready. I'm fearful. Fearful of ME sliding back to the way I handled things.....fearful of stuffing my feelings, thoughts, wants, wishes and complying with him, denying how I feel and what I want. I worry more about ME slipping back into the depths of co-dependence more than I worry about him drinking. (and I do worry about him drinking again, but I worry more about losing my identity once again after I've worked so hard to get it back)
I've also thought about having an attorney draw up a document with stipulations that protect me and my children financially if he doesn't comply. Is that wrong? Personally, I don't think it is. Do I have the gumption to follow through and do it? I don't know. It's very overwhelming.
I like JT's quote about being married one day at a time.
Take care. I'm thinking about you,
S
I do understand how you are feeling about trust. I'm right there with ya! AH and I have been separated for 7 months now, he sober and active in AA, I'm working on my healing/recovery, and we're in joint marriage counseling. He is spending more and more time at the house and we've had a couple of dates. He wants to move back home, and *I'm*not*ready. I'm fearful. Fearful of ME sliding back to the way I handled things.....fearful of stuffing my feelings, thoughts, wants, wishes and complying with him, denying how I feel and what I want. I worry more about ME slipping back into the depths of co-dependence more than I worry about him drinking. (and I do worry about him drinking again, but I worry more about losing my identity once again after I've worked so hard to get it back)
I've also thought about having an attorney draw up a document with stipulations that protect me and my children financially if he doesn't comply. Is that wrong? Personally, I don't think it is. Do I have the gumption to follow through and do it? I don't know. It's very overwhelming.
I like JT's quote about being married one day at a time.
Take care. I'm thinking about you,
S
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
glad I mentioned this
It is so helpful to me to hear from you all.
All - Saying thank you over and over doesn't seem to cover my gratitude. but its what I can do so - Thank you.
Victoria - I know of Thursday meetings at Livengrin (a rehab hospital in my area). I did a search on the web once by putting in Al Anon and Bucks County and found a good list. Why not try a similar search and see what you get. I hate to do it form here, I am at work right now. But I remember there were meetings pretty much every night of the week within a short drive.
Sarah - I think it is totally appropriate to want to protect ourselves financially. I was nevous at first and posted here about it, but I got some good responses encouraging me to protect myself if it will bring me serenity. My lawyer said it is hard to uphold such an agreement between man and wife if you are already reconciled, so consider your options PRIOR to reconciliation. He said even dating could make it iffy, and my AH and I have been staying together on weekends for the past two. I am no lawyer, so this is NOT! legal advice. Just me chatting about it. I'd love to hear what you learn about it, if you do.
You make a good point about fear of slipping away again as an individual, and I am working HARD on that one. I have made it clear I do not want to lose the things I've gained about myself during this whole mess. He knows and is respecting that. I am making sure to communicate how I feel to him along the way so that things are MOVING FORWARD instead of us GOING BACK. That is important to me, emotionally.
JG - I suspect you have great insight into how to handle it when they do relapse. I suspect I'll be counting on that in my future! So glad you are here! Right now I am not quite prepared to talk about it. I am still formulating my boundaries in my mind so I can stick with them and not make empty threats, should that time come. I kind of rehearse it in my mind sometimes, but I don't have it worked out yet.
All - Saying thank you over and over doesn't seem to cover my gratitude. but its what I can do so - Thank you.
Victoria - I know of Thursday meetings at Livengrin (a rehab hospital in my area). I did a search on the web once by putting in Al Anon and Bucks County and found a good list. Why not try a similar search and see what you get. I hate to do it form here, I am at work right now. But I remember there were meetings pretty much every night of the week within a short drive.
Sarah - I think it is totally appropriate to want to protect ourselves financially. I was nevous at first and posted here about it, but I got some good responses encouraging me to protect myself if it will bring me serenity. My lawyer said it is hard to uphold such an agreement between man and wife if you are already reconciled, so consider your options PRIOR to reconciliation. He said even dating could make it iffy, and my AH and I have been staying together on weekends for the past two. I am no lawyer, so this is NOT! legal advice. Just me chatting about it. I'd love to hear what you learn about it, if you do.
You make a good point about fear of slipping away again as an individual, and I am working HARD on that one. I have made it clear I do not want to lose the things I've gained about myself during this whole mess. He knows and is respecting that. I am making sure to communicate how I feel to him along the way so that things are MOVING FORWARD instead of us GOING BACK. That is important to me, emotionally.
JG - I suspect you have great insight into how to handle it when they do relapse. I suspect I'll be counting on that in my future! So glad you are here! Right now I am not quite prepared to talk about it. I am still formulating my boundaries in my mind so I can stick with them and not make empty threats, should that time come. I kind of rehearse it in my mind sometimes, but I don't have it worked out yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Well I have never made it that far with my husband...he was sober for 30 and now he is drinking again....not out of control yet, but it will surprise me if he is able to maintain control over the alcohol ......anyway I think having your plan and protecting you family it wonderful. Your husband made choices in his life that have brought him to this crossroad. The way I see it, this IS the consequence for his actions......yes, it may be difficult for him, but he must face the consequence he has brought on himself.
Don't second guess yourself to protect your family.......it seems to me that if you aren't truthful about why you are doing it, that would be protected him or sheltering him......isn't that what we are trying to stop doing?
You are a very strong lady and sound like you really have you stuff together. Quite an inspiration!
Blessings,
Constant
Don't second guess yourself to protect your family.......it seems to me that if you aren't truthful about why you are doing it, that would be protected him or sheltering him......isn't that what we are trying to stop doing?
You are a very strong lady and sound like you really have you stuff together. Quite an inspiration!
Blessings,
Constant
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
Jessie,
I am glad you are doing what you have to do financially to protect yourself and your honesty with him is refreshing.
One day at a time applies when the rest of business is done. THEN you can feel safe to be compassionate, work your program and allow him to work his.
Hugs,
JT
I am glad you are doing what you have to do financially to protect yourself and your honesty with him is refreshing.
One day at a time applies when the rest of business is done. THEN you can feel safe to be compassionate, work your program and allow him to work his.
Hugs,
JT
No More Mrs. Nice Guy
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: Iowa
Posts: 724
My thoughts, for what they are worth:
If he's confident in his sobriety then he wont have a problem with you doing anything "in case of relapse". This is a natural conseqeuence of his actions. Sad, yes. Necessary - absolutely.
Personally, I think its the right thing for you to do - take care of YOU and your child... concentrate on your recovery and let him concentrate on his.
HUGS. you're doing the right thing!
O59
If he's confident in his sobriety then he wont have a problem with you doing anything "in case of relapse". This is a natural conseqeuence of his actions. Sad, yes. Necessary - absolutely.
Personally, I think its the right thing for you to do - take care of YOU and your child... concentrate on your recovery and let him concentrate on his.
HUGS. you're doing the right thing!
O59
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
