the good and the bad!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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the good and the bad!
So, I had a really good time this weekend away from AH, hanging out with friends I've known from college. It was like being young again.. I didn't think too much about AH and I completely forgot about my phone for a full day.. yay!
I didn't even talk non-stop about my situation, which I was a little worried about.
I got home this evening and checked our bills... I added up a bunch of money spent on alcohol, cigarettes, convenience stores and fast food places.. to the tune of $130 in the past couple days. I was so angry about it. At one point on Saturday he'd messaged me and I said a few things, he seemed calm and sober at that point (it was very early) and he said maybe he'd go to the counselor, but that definitely didn't happen. I asked him what he was up to on the weekend, and all I got out of him was that he had friends over on saturday and did nothing on sunday. I asked if he bought beer for all his friends or something and he immediately got livid. I told him I was just wondering why there were 3 charges of $16-$18 on his personal credit card -- he'd just sworn he only bought one 12 pack of beer. He was pissed, saying he thought he did really well only buying one case and thats all he drank (he was down to 2 by then). He swore he didn't go buy anything else.. but clearly he did--it's the only card that I'm not on-- I was out of state-- purchases were made at THE liquor store. He got furious and started screaming about how he doesn't know how they got on there but they weren't from him and he didn't buy anything this week.
I said, whatever, you've lied to me before about all these things, I'm not surprised (yeah, I know.. not healthy, should have just walked away when he got riled up).
He stood up, screamed, tried to smash his beer bottle on the coffee table, did not succeed, kicked a chair, kicked an ottoman, threw his beer bottle on the hardwood floor, smashing it into a million pieces and spilling beer everywhere, called me names, called me money hungry, a wh**e, an imbecile, told me to go f myself, at one point told me I was killing him, etc.. etc.. I walked away and went back upstairs. I know I should not have engaged that much but I wanted to know what he was doing. I do admit I got partway into an argument, said a few things back--not insults just saying that he needs to stop spending money frivolously because we don't HAVE any, he threw it in my face that I went away for the weekend, I told him I could do that since with my job that I have ALWAYS worked, I can afford my half of all the bills and have money left over for fun things. Money hungry, obviously.
Anyway... I should not have engaged as soon as I saw him getting worked up but it's hard. That was earlier... He just went to bed, left the smashed bottle and beer soaking into the floors of my house. Now what?? I know they say 'don't clean it up' and 'not my problem.' But it IS my problem because it's stinky, and it's soaking into my floors and rug nearby.
What the heck am I supposed to do with this?? Now that he's smashed it, it's a display and represents his indignation towards me. He will probably leave it for a long time and expect me to deal with it.
What's the protocol here? I know they say detach with love and compassion but I feel like I hate this guy. I feel like I'm living with the devil, the more I step back and look at things the worse he gets and the more ridiculous the whole thing seems!
I didn't even talk non-stop about my situation, which I was a little worried about.
I got home this evening and checked our bills... I added up a bunch of money spent on alcohol, cigarettes, convenience stores and fast food places.. to the tune of $130 in the past couple days. I was so angry about it. At one point on Saturday he'd messaged me and I said a few things, he seemed calm and sober at that point (it was very early) and he said maybe he'd go to the counselor, but that definitely didn't happen. I asked him what he was up to on the weekend, and all I got out of him was that he had friends over on saturday and did nothing on sunday. I asked if he bought beer for all his friends or something and he immediately got livid. I told him I was just wondering why there were 3 charges of $16-$18 on his personal credit card -- he'd just sworn he only bought one 12 pack of beer. He was pissed, saying he thought he did really well only buying one case and thats all he drank (he was down to 2 by then). He swore he didn't go buy anything else.. but clearly he did--it's the only card that I'm not on-- I was out of state-- purchases were made at THE liquor store. He got furious and started screaming about how he doesn't know how they got on there but they weren't from him and he didn't buy anything this week.
I said, whatever, you've lied to me before about all these things, I'm not surprised (yeah, I know.. not healthy, should have just walked away when he got riled up).
He stood up, screamed, tried to smash his beer bottle on the coffee table, did not succeed, kicked a chair, kicked an ottoman, threw his beer bottle on the hardwood floor, smashing it into a million pieces and spilling beer everywhere, called me names, called me money hungry, a wh**e, an imbecile, told me to go f myself, at one point told me I was killing him, etc.. etc.. I walked away and went back upstairs. I know I should not have engaged that much but I wanted to know what he was doing. I do admit I got partway into an argument, said a few things back--not insults just saying that he needs to stop spending money frivolously because we don't HAVE any, he threw it in my face that I went away for the weekend, I told him I could do that since with my job that I have ALWAYS worked, I can afford my half of all the bills and have money left over for fun things. Money hungry, obviously.
Anyway... I should not have engaged as soon as I saw him getting worked up but it's hard. That was earlier... He just went to bed, left the smashed bottle and beer soaking into the floors of my house. Now what?? I know they say 'don't clean it up' and 'not my problem.' But it IS my problem because it's stinky, and it's soaking into my floors and rug nearby.
What the heck am I supposed to do with this?? Now that he's smashed it, it's a display and represents his indignation towards me. He will probably leave it for a long time and expect me to deal with it.
What's the protocol here? I know they say detach with love and compassion but I feel like I hate this guy. I feel like I'm living with the devil, the more I step back and look at things the worse he gets and the more ridiculous the whole thing seems!
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Portland, OR
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That sucks and I'm sorry. Hugs to you. One thing I will never understand is the ability of alcoholics to, when confronted with concrete evidence, still deny that the thing that happened actually happened. Blows my mind.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
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Yeah it's crazy. He told me it was 'impossible' because he 'hadn't used that credit card in over 5 days.' I told him to pull it up online in front of me and there were like 8 charges from the past 3 days on there... Was he drunk?? Does he really not remember? Is it his disease telling him to deny deny deny?? He seemed really shocked. Usually he manipulates the facts, so he would usually have a story built up. I expected him to say he had friends over and maybe, say he bought the beer and his friends bought the food, you know what I mean? "Oh most of that was for them, but don't worry I wasn't being irresponsible with money because they paid for my food." instead it was, I didn't go there, I don't know why those charges are there. A whole new world for me, very confused. Not surprised, just confused. All I could come up with was maybe he bought that stuff late on saturday, and was hoping that they wouldn't show up on his card until monday/tuesday or something...
Strange.
Strange.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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What's the protocol here? I know they say detach with love and compassion but I feel like I hate this guy. I feel like I'm living with the devil, the more I step back and look at things the worse he gets and the more ridiculous the whole thing seems!
Take a little time and ask yourself what YOU want.
I know hind sight is 20/20, but remember try not to confront an A while drinking. Remember to say what you mean, but don't say it mean. Stay calm and just say it once.
About the denial. This is what A's do. He is going to deny it. You will never be able to force the answer that you want out of him. And so what if you did. Then what?
Just trust yourself
((((hugs)))))
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: east siiiide
Posts: 254
really? I mean I know my perspective is skewed because of what I"ve lived with for this long.. but I never have felt physically threatened by him.. I have seen him smash things before on rare occasions when angry. I actually smashed one or two things in my day during our arguments. I'd have felt really confused if the cops were called on me. Maybe I'm all wrong though? I know one thing, I never want to feel that enraged again!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I wasn't there so I don't know. But when I read your description of his behavior, I was scared for you.
You know, there is the possibility that he drank enough that he doesn't remember going back out to the liquor store for more. So, he may not have been lying. Not making excuses for him but when I drank, I drank to get drunk. And Lord only knows what I did after getting in that car. I used to drive to the 2AM liquor store AFTER I was already ----faced. Horrible, I know, but the truth.
You know, there is the possibility that he drank enough that he doesn't remember going back out to the liquor store for more. So, he may not have been lying. Not making excuses for him but when I drank, I drank to get drunk. And Lord only knows what I did after getting in that car. I used to drive to the 2AM liquor store AFTER I was already ----faced. Horrible, I know, but the truth.
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Location: east siiiide
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And what is it you are getting out of this relationship?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Having patience is not a bad thing. But, what exactly are you waiting for? He sounds very volatile and possibly dangerous. It's been a week since what? According to your posts he's been drinking and spending your money quite a bit longer than that. I could understand having patience for someone who is actually making changes. It seems to me (again based on your posts) that he has no intention of changing and is in fact only getting worse.
So, what is it you are waiting for? (NOTE: This is not me telling you to leave. When I tell myself to "have patience" I need to clarify to myself what that means. You don't have to answer me, but maybe ask yourself what having patience means to you.)
L
So, what is it you are waiting for? (NOTE: This is not me telling you to leave. When I tell myself to "have patience" I need to clarify to myself what that means. You don't have to answer me, but maybe ask yourself what having patience means to you.)
L
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Well, I've realized that I haven't ever really put my foot down or put myself first, grown who I was or said NO to certain things. So I'm working on that.. but the patience part is that I've only been doing that for a week and a half now (yes he has misbehaved for a while), so for his sake, and for my peace of mind, I want to be sure if after the initial shock of the changing dynamic he doesn't begin to make changes. Last time I put my foot down he did come a long way from where he was before. It would take a long way for him to go, but like I said, I am not quite ready to divorce and deport the guy without giving it a fair shot. I always thought I was giving it a fair shot but really I was feeding into the dysfunction with my own. Does that make sense?
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It makes perfect sense. I just don't want you to trap yourself like I did. I put up with a lot for a long time. Then I started not putting up with it. But, my goal was to change him, not to make a better life for me. I thought if he would change, that would make my life better, but I really didn't 'get' that it was up to me, not him. So, I ended up in a power struggle. He would misbehave, I would put my foot down, then he would go on good behavior for awhile. Then the whole cycle would repeat, ad infinitum. It took many years for me to realize that I was deluding myself by taking 'control' of him, temporarily. But, it would never last, and he would end up more resentful than ever because of it.
Just try to be very clear with yourself what you are wanting. Are you wanting to control him? Because that will never work......
L
Just try to be very clear with yourself what you are wanting. Are you wanting to control him? Because that will never work......
L
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 105
When I started putting my foot down, I ended up with a hole in my bathroom wall and things being thrown across the room. No fun. And although I never thought for a minute that he would actually hurt me physically (maybe denial?), he certainly increased his verbal abuse. The trouble with the verbal abuse was that although I knew very well that it was out of line and plain wrong, it had this subtle insidious effect on me which gradually weakened me. This left me in a pretty bad place when he finally left and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces.
I'm just sharing this with you because I think that we should always be very protective of ourselves when it comes to exposing ourselves to really dysfunctional situations. I know that I thought that I had a handle on things, but I was losing my sanity without even knowing it and now I'm paying the price.
Hope this helps and stay strong and safe.
I'm just sharing this with you because I think that we should always be very protective of ourselves when it comes to exposing ourselves to really dysfunctional situations. I know that I thought that I had a handle on things, but I was losing my sanity without even knowing it and now I'm paying the price.
Hope this helps and stay strong and safe.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 277
I can always relate to your stories - that feeling of insanity - ugh.
I don't know if this will help you but my AH have set up a day/time a week where we can talk about his drinking. He recently said, "alll you ever do is think about my drinking" - and my reply was well, that's because I can never talk about it if I am not to talk about it when you are drunk.
So we set up a time when we know he won't be drunk.
I'm telling you, some of those drunk-filled arguments really make me shake my head and wonder if I am going nutty. I hope that we can make some progress with this approach.
I normally have my stuff together so feeling any degree of insanity, especially toward my AH who used to be my rock - is very unsettling.
I probably would have cleaned up the beer but I wouldn't have been happy about it.
I don't know if this will help you but my AH have set up a day/time a week where we can talk about his drinking. He recently said, "alll you ever do is think about my drinking" - and my reply was well, that's because I can never talk about it if I am not to talk about it when you are drunk.
So we set up a time when we know he won't be drunk.
I'm telling you, some of those drunk-filled arguments really make me shake my head and wonder if I am going nutty. I hope that we can make some progress with this approach.
I normally have my stuff together so feeling any degree of insanity, especially toward my AH who used to be my rock - is very unsettling.
I probably would have cleaned up the beer but I wouldn't have been happy about it.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Do you want to be financially responsible for him?
Do you want to have the fights about money?
Is there a reason to confront him about charges he has already made when there is nothing you can do about it?
If you weren't married I would just tell you not to let him access any of your money or your accounts but since you already are he can ruin you financially anyway.
This is real concrete issue to ponder beyond the whole what am I getting, who am I, what do I want, etc ...
Do you want to have the fights about money?
Is there a reason to confront him about charges he has already made when there is nothing you can do about it?
If you weren't married I would just tell you not to let him access any of your money or your accounts but since you already are he can ruin you financially anyway.
This is real concrete issue to ponder beyond the whole what am I getting, who am I, what do I want, etc ...
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